Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

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His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

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Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

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The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

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Another week...

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”

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His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”

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“Oh, it will,” Matt responds,...

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

My friend always takes a a bunch of molly during the weeks leading up to Easter

He’s a lent roller

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the thrift stores and get her clothes back.

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My grief counselor died last week

She must of been good though because I couldn’t give a shit.

Credit to an elderly man at my girlfriends pub.

My wife left me last week

She said she couldnt handle the lies anymore. At least that what i think she said as i was busy fighting a bear at the time.

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

So a man dies...

and walks up the stairway to heaven and meets St.Peter, he asks if he's ever cheated on his wife, the man truthfully replies "Never, I love my wife!" and St. Peter gives him a Roles Royce to drive around heaven. The next guy comes and St.Peter asks him the same thing, the man responds with "I did on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel just outside of Atlanta...

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops $500 and says,

“I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The astonished Madam stares at him and says,

“But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal!”

The Trucker r...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks

I didn't want to interrupt her

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

Getting paid every two weeks means I must make some really tough decisions.

To supply my kids with school lunch money or to make another trip to the liquor store.

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

Don't you hate it when you can't find a really great joke you saw a few weeks ago that you really liked?

It makes it really hard to repost.

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so i...

A snail walks into a bar and the bar tender says "We dont serve your kind here!" Then tosses him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back...

And says "Hey what was that for?"

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

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