Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

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His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

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Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

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The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

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Another week...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks

I didn't want to interrupt her

Don't you hate it when you can't find a really great joke you saw a few weeks ago that you really liked?

It makes it really hard to repost.

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so i...

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch.

The woman's husband comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says "Dark in here."

The man says "Ye...

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The best thing about white chicks with dreadlocks is that they’ll still suck your dick even if you haven’t showered in a couple of weeks.

Free love without judgement~

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work.

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work. He walks into the town saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender serves him. After he finishes his whiskey, he asks the bartender,

“Say, is there anywhere around here a guy can get some action? I’ve been in the mine and I ha...

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.

The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"

"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and our descent was very turbulent, followed by a hard landing that was quite jarring.

Once on the ground, our flight attendant announced, "Well, folks, that wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the captain's fault, but it was definitely the as-phalt."

The passenger reactions were a mix of chuckles and groans.

Shoutout to our Southwest Airlines flight crew from BUR-LAS flight ...

My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst.

I suppose I should go to the charity shop and get all of her clothes back.

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A guy is staying at a bed and breakfast for several weeks.

The bed and breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning. The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning and he even extended his stay at the bed and breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazi...

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

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A weeks worth of golf

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long bird...