Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

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My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.

It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way"

3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with...

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, ''please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection.''

But she did.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What walks on 8 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening?

The Weasley twins.

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

How do you wake up Lady Gaga in the morning?

You Poker Face.

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's probably the last time that I fall asleep in the bus with my mouth open

One Sunday morning

there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sara...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning?

Because Dawn is tough on grease!

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There was a tap on my door this morning...

fuckin’ hate my plumber.

I came home very early one Sunday morning.

I had two black eyes. My wife met me at the door with a look of discust on her face.
"Where have you been so late, and why do you have two black eyes?"
"I was at church." I explained.
"Church!? Where did you get two black eyes?"
"Well funny you should ask", I said. "When the priest asked...

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

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One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed thi...

Aliens landed at my local library this morning.

Their first words to us were: "Take me to your reader."

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The  earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.   He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

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Timmy and Johnny, ages 5 and 3, wake up one morning.

Timmy turns to Johnny and says "You know what Johnny, I think we're old enough to start swearing, lets try it out today".



They go downstairs and their mother says "It's time for breakfast, what would you like Timmy?". Timmy thinks about it for a second and says "Shit, I guess I'll ha...

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I went to a sperm clinic this morning.

The nurse asked me to wank in a cup.

I said, “No thanks. I’m good, but I’m not ready for a tournament.”

Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

I was assaulted this morning by six dwarves..

...Not Happy.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back o...

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road.

He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove off with the penguin.

Later that day as the boss was leaving work, he saw the m...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

I went to a coffee shop before work this morning.

The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.

I asked my girlfriend this morning how she would like her eggs and she said:

Fertilized

Every morning, I wake up and find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

I surprised my girlfriend at work this morning

Came up behind her and kissed her on the neck.

She laughed and said “Mike stop you know we’re at work.”

My name is Brandon.

I told my doctor that my back hurts when I wake up in the morning.

He told me to try waking up in the afternoon instead.

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

What did the buffalo say to his son in the morning?

Bison

How does bread greet each other in the morning?

Gluten tag!

How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?

They set their a-llamas.

This morning on the way to work, I wasn't really paying attention and i drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs.

I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”.

A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony...

Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.

Some folks came to my door this morning....

And asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.

I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

A nun wakes up in the morning and steps out into the corridor

“Woke up on the wrong side of bed sister?” Asked the first nun she passed by.

“No?” She replied, puzzled.

This carried on the entire corridor, with every passing nun asking her the same question.

Exasperated and angry, she reaches the end of the corridor, and upon seeing the M...

I cleaned my electric fence this morning.

I was shocked that I was able to get it fully clean.

A man who we’ll call Bob comes back from his morning golf with his friends looking visibly tired

His wife says to him “why are you so tired?” He responds solemnly saying: “Harry had a heart attack and died on the 4th tee.”

“That’s horrible!” his wife says. “Tell me about it” said Bob. “After that it was just hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”

A man comes home early from a business trip on a Friday morning and find his wife in bed with one of his friends

He shoots and kills both of them and goes to prison. A few days later one of his other friends goes to visit him in jail and his buddy says, “Hey man, it could have been worse!”

The man says, “Could of been worse?!? I’m in jail about to be on death row and in the electric chair. How in the he...

“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.



The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

My wife left me this morning because I’m so insecure.

No wait... she’s back. She just went out for coffee.

My wife was yelling at me this morning for going to the bathroom in the shower. I don't know what her problem is

I squished it all down the drain with my feet.

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Timmy wakes up in the morning.....

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop.
The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".

He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.

He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".<...

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My daughter saw my wife and I having sex this morning

She said "Quit sending me these videos!"

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all th...

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So it's a chilly morning in Brno, and everybody 's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.

Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".

So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting ...

I banged 2 girls with morning wood

I guess I can call it a tree-some.

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

I wrecked my car this morning and luckily got away with a broken arm.

I don't know who it belongs to but I'm keeping it.

I took my new pet amphibian into work this morning.

My boss wanted to know why I had named my pet "Tiny".

I replied - "cause he's my newt".

What was Ned Stark's favorite part of the morning?

Raisin' Bran.

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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims.
“Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says.
“Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, th...

Even in the morning, when most people's hair is scruffy and looks bad, Will Smith's still looks amazing.

Some call him the Fresh Prince of Bedhair.

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My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

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My boss called me into his office very upset this morning.

“It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out sternly, “that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your uncle to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," I said surprisingly, “I didn't realize it. You don't suppose that son of a bitch is faking it, do you?"

A Buddhist morning be like

Rice and shrine everyone!

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." ...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

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Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company this morning

Just putting my two scents in

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

Athenians hate mornings.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

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A man wakes up one morning to find. . .

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he searches google and sure enough the top result is for a “gorilla remover”. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 5 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He proceeds to ...

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

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This morning I was buttoning my shirt...

And the button fell off. Then, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off and the doorknob fell off. Then, I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I am afraid to pee...

People were so upset at me during a funeral this morning....

Don't know why, not my fault I had mourning wood.

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A man wakes up one morning and tells his wife "I had an unusual sex dream about you last night."

"What was unusual about it?" she asks.

"Well, for one thing we were actually having sex."

I beat my wife up this morning.

I got up at nine, she got up at ten.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

A meteorite fell in my backyard this morning.

It just... came out of the blue!

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

My ex-girlfriend started screaming and banging on my door at 3 in the morning.

After an hour of that noise I finally got up and let her out.

From my grandson this morning. His first Dad joke

Pop-pop? What did zero say to the number 8? I don't know River, what did he say? "Nice Belt" pop-pop

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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When i get married,my wife will be almost like an farmer

Eggs for the morning,chicken for the dinner and cock all night

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

My neighbour with Alzheimer's bangs on my door every morning at 8:00am...

And everyday he frantically asks me if I've seen his wife.

At first it breaks my heart to tell him she's been dead for years, but I always feel better about it when he smiles

Why do cops love an icy winter morning?

So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

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My family says my morning routine is distgusting.

-Wake up
-Take a shit
-Get out of bed

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

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This morning I woke up with a terrible case of bed head.

She seemed much better at giving blowjobs the night before.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

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A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

[NSFW] What's the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?

I'm not coming in this morning.

There was a stray cat in my driveway this morning, it meowed at me so I meowed back...

...now I'm nervous because I'm not sure what I agreed to.

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy as...

After waking up every morning, my roommate lights up a joint, and then throws it at me once he’s done.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma l

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat

She asked " is it bad"

I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

Sven sees Ole's car parked outside the bar early in the morning.

Sven, worried about His friend quickly goes into the bar. He seed Ole sitting at the bar drinking beer with a mute expression on His face.

"Hey Ole is something wrong? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Ole says in a somewhat sad tone."Oh Sven. My wife Lina ran off with my best friend Lars."...

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

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I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

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