If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

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My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning....

Luckily I was still up playing my drums

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Stalin wakes up ealy one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

My Parrot died this morning..

It was a big weight off my shoulder

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

How does a panda make his pancakes in the morning?

With a pan...duh

Early one morning, late one night

two dead men came out to fight

back to back they faced each-other, drew their swords and shot each-other

A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to rescue the two dead boys

If you don't believe this story it's true, ask the blind man he saw it too

I was the President's speechwriter but this morning I resigned.

The President was speechless.

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"

I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she comes home to ask her what she meant.

Two dead bodies were found inside a trunk this morning

Police are seeking the public's help, particularly in locating the rest of the elephant.

The body of Mario's former nemesis was found in his jungle province this morning.

It was in a state of DK.

What do you say to a pickle in the morning?

Rise and Brine!

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, plea...

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

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I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great

Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

[NSFW] Why is it called morning wood

When it should be called breakfast sausage

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I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

What has 4 legs in the morning 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs at night?

A dog in Chernobyl

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My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.

It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.

Joe Biden and Barack Obama are going for a morning jog.

Joe finishes at just under 11 minutes, but Barack is waiting for him at the finish line already.

"what time did you get?" asks Joe.

"I ran pretty well, did under 10 minutes this time", answers Obama. "By the way, what's the standing record amongst the presidents now? Bill at 9 and a h...

This morning I woke up to tap on the door

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

This morning I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind man

I also got fired from my job as a bus driver

My Drill Sergeant said, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning”

I said, “Thank you sir”

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Morning sex is a great way to start the day!

Unless you are in prison

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

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My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.

What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in bed.

What kinda murderer only kills in the mornings?

A cereal killer

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I felt shit this morning.

That's one of negatives about being a prostate doctor.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This fellow showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard.

“What happened to you?” a co-worker asked.

“I was up nearly all night,” the man said. “My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became historical.”

“You mean hysterical,” the co-worker replied.

“No, historical,” the man said. “She went over absolutely everything I’ve done wron...

I couldn't believe my eyes; I saw a man wearing a codpiece this morning.

So, I complimented the nutcase, turned around and walked away as quickly as possible.

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

Mary goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

The priest: “So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

Mary: “Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest: “Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

Mary: “That he did, Father."

The priest: “What did he ...

Joke from my 4 yr old this morning...

her: Knock knock!

me: Who's there?

her: Camel!

me: Camel who?

her: Silly, Camels don't say 'who' they say 'AAAHHHHHH!!!'

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.

He told me he wasn't home.

A man goes to his doctor: "Help, doc! I woke up this morning and lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"

I got pulled over this morning. The officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no sir, but I’ve got some Sting albums”

I got a letter in the mail this morning

“What was it?”

It was a

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

Why do American schools have a moment of silence in the morning?

Because that’s when they let the guns do the talking.

Anyone heard about the Russian guy who really hated waking up in the morning?

I think his name was Grigori Alarmoff.

What did the Arab Sheikh drink in the morning?

A Milksheikh.

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

Me: "I am still tired from all the CrossFit this morning."

Co-worker: "it's pronounced 'Croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

I went over to my local beekeeper this morning to buy 10 bees.

After 5 minutes he came back and gave me 11.

I said “I only asked for the 10?!”.

He replied “You’ve got 10, and a freebie”.

Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”

I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

What happens to Nitrogen when morning comes?

It becomes Dayrogen

So it was super foggy when I got up this morning.

I grabbed a big jar and went outside just to catch a bunch of fog and I put a lid on it. Came back in the house to check it out and the jar looked completely empty. So, while I thought I was capturing fog- I mist.

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

One company owner asks another: “Hey Bill how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces”

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

I hate talking to people until I have had my morning coffee

I don't drink coffee

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

My Nan died this morning.

I rung my best friend and told him

*" I can't believe it"* I said. *"I always thought she would live to be 100"*


*"Were you close?"* he asked


*"Well"* I replied, *"She was 97, so only 3 years out"*

A truck carrying cheese crashed on the highway this morning...

De brie was everywhere.

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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's probably the last time that I fall asleep in the bus with my mouth open

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

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Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my...

How do you wake up Lady Gaga in the morning?

You Poker Face.

Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

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A husband wakes his wife up on a Saturday morning....NSFW

The wife asks the husband "morning hun, what should we do today?"

Husband says "I'd like to go hunting"

Wife: "I don't want to go hunting today! That's boring"

Husband: "Well then if I can't go hunting then I'd at least like to get some action. Lets try something new. I want t...

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims.
“Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says.
“Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, th...

One Sunday morning

there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sara...

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

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One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.

As he was about to turn everything off and go back...

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

I missed my Ex wife twice this morning.

I must get the sights on my rifle fixed.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back o...

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

I was assaulted this morning by six dwarves..

...Not Happy.

Aliens landed at my local library this morning.

Their first words to us were: "Take me to your reader."

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I went to a sperm clinic this morning.

The nurse asked me to wank in a cup.

I said, “No thanks. I’m good, but I’m not ready for a tournament.”

Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning?

Because Dawn is tough on grease!

A guide to waking up in the morning

Step 1: Buy a rooster

Step 2: Name it Russell

Step 3: Fall asleep

Step 4: Wake up to Russell Crowe

“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.



The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

I came home very early one Sunday morning.

I had two black eyes. My wife met me at the door with a look of discust on her face.
"Where have you been so late, and why do you have two black eyes?"
"I was at church." I explained.
"Church!? Where did you get two black eyes?"
"Well funny you should ask", I said. "When the priest asked...

I surprised my girlfriend at work this morning

Came up behind her and kissed her on the neck.

She laughed and said “Mike stop you know we’re at work.”

My name is Brandon.

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Timmy and Johnny, ages 5 and 3, wake up one morning.

Timmy turns to Johnny and says "You know what Johnny, I think we're old enough to start swearing, lets try it out today".



They go downstairs and their mother says "It's time for breakfast, what would you like Timmy?". Timmy thinks about it for a second and says "Shit, I guess I'll ha...

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An old man went to his doctor complaining that he woke up every morning at 8 AM.

His doctor, puzzled, wondered out loud: “why is this a problem, this seems like a perfectly reasonable time to wake up”. The old man, a bit annoyed by The Doctor’s lack of concern irritably retorted: “but doctor., you don’t get it, every morning I take a shit at 7:30“.

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Went camping last weekend and woke up at three in the morning to the most amazing site of the milky way galaxy.

Where the fuck is my tent?
Sight,fuck

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The  earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.   He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

First thing every morning I punch a brick wall as hard as I can

Because your best days start with break fist.

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

Defense Secretary Shanahan briefed the President this morning.

He told Trump that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Trump's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaking. Finally, he composed himself and asked Shanahan, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

What did the buffalo say to his son in the morning?

Bison

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road.

He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove off with the penguin.

Later that day as the boss was leaving work, he saw the m...

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

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