This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I beat my wife up this morning.

I got up at nine, she got up at ten.

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

Sven sees Ole's car parked outside the bar early in the morning.

Sven, worried about His friend quickly goes into the bar. He seed Ole sitting at the bar drinking beer with a mute expression on His face.

"Hey Ole is something wrong? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Ole says in a somewhat sad tone."Oh Sven. My wife Lina ran off with my best friend Lars."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.

​

The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

There was a stray cat in my driveway this morning, it meowed at me so I meowed back...

...now I'm nervous because I'm not sure what I agreed to.

It was a fine Sunday morning...

... and the devil was bored.

He picked a nice quiet country side church and rolled up in a cloud of foul smoke and brimstone. Right in the middle of the sermon.

Screams all around as the flock run for their lives. All that is, except for the priest and a wizened old farmer chewing on ...

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims.
“Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says.
“Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, th...

My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning

My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

What does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning?

Gluten-tag

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer:"What is the first thing that you do in the morning which,according to you,has made you so successful?"

Famous person:"The snooze button"

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." ...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking my dog through the local cemetery early one morning

When I saw a man crouching down by a grave stone.

"Morning!" I yelled towards him.

He looked up and yelled back "nope, just having a shit!"

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family says my morning routine is distgusting.

-Wake up
-Take a shit
-Get out of bed

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.

Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.

No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.

He is kind of confused b...

[NSFW] What's the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?

I'm not coming in this morning.

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife.

"No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I c...

I thought my friend Flanders was exercising this Morning

Turns out he was doing Diddily Squat!

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning over a broken egg

She said Omelette you go

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla on his roof!

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an add for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the Gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The Gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"W...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This morning I was beaten up by a busty lady in the elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?"

And so I did.

I don't remember much after that.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

I asked a math major freshman friend this morning, "So what's your four-year plan in college?"

ohhh you mean my Four-Year Transform or Four-Year Series?

What does the communist citizen say every morning before leaving his/her home?

Lets get this bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Peter wakes up one morning

"I don't wanna go to the school!"

"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"

"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"

"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.

​

Tonight, I will kill again

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

I found a suicide vest in the attic this morning.

I was looking for an old poster I had when I was younger. Couldn’t remember what it was, maybe for a movie? Anyways, I was hunting in the attic and I saw an old vest with several bombs tied to it. I couldn’t see if there was a way to detonate it or not.

So, I took it down to my room, and I d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ole wakes up one morning, remembering that it's his and Lena's 25th wedding anniversary.

Ole punches Lena in the arm. Lena awakes and asks, "What was that for?" Ole says, "That's for 25 years of bad sex!" Lena then punches Ole in the arm. Ole asks, "Why did you hit me?" Lena says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

A haiku about getting out of bed in the morning

I came up with this one myself, here's the haiku:

​

No no no no no

No no no no no no no

No no no no no

Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It’s the breakfast of champignons

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Early One Morning

Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very s...

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

I helped my friend hang a chandelier in his mansion this morning

It was the high light of my day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

One night, a wife buys two bottles of vodka, and the next morning she checks on the bottles and tells her husband,

“Last night I bought two bottles of vodka, and today there is only one left. Where did it go?”

The husband responds, “There were two?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s always nice to wake up to a blowjob in the morning

Unless you are in prison

When I woke up this morning there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a bad sense of humour.

I got a call from the local police station this morning, they said they want to interview me...

i don't remember applying for a job there

A man enters in a bar and the bartender asks him:<<Good Morn.. morn.. morning... What would.. you.. you.. like.. to.. to.. drink..?

And the man:<<Yeah... I would li.. li.. like a co.. co.. coffee, please.>>
After a while, another man comes in and recognize the first man and starts talking to him:<<Yo, dude how's going? What are you doing here?>> And the first man:<<Nothing important. Just chillin...

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.

Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”

He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.

He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A ...

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

Made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing wont even eat it.

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president sucks" on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.

Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".

The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband goes golfing every Saturday morning with the same foursome.

But he’s always home by 2 o’clock so his wife puts up with it.

This one Saturday, 2 o’clock comes and goes. Three, four, five; still not home.

Finally at 6 o’clock he comes staggering through the front door. He’s dirty, he’s sweaty, he looks totally exhausted.

His wife exclai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has ...

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one morning when his wife asked him,

"What have you got there?"
Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Got a text from my wife this morning saying “Windows frozen”.

I text back saying “Pour some warm water on it.”

Got a text back, “Laptop totally fucked now”

I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

So I took my mother in law out yesterday morning...

From 1867 yards with a Barrett M82

Does anyone know if Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning?

Six more weeks of government shutdown coming if he did!

So i walked into a bait shop this morning

And i didnt even mean to.

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

After coming to work this morning, all of us were shocked to find out that our firm has been taken over by a company in Madrid.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

If guys get morning wood.......

Do girls get morning dew?

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

I saw Venus AND Jupiter this morning!

So glad the strip club is open early.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wif...

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

I woke up feeling so animated this morning.

Probably because the curtains were drawn.

I lent my wife my gloves to survive the cold on her way to work this morning. She left them on the bus.

I’m now living in a gloveless relationship.

It was so foggy this morning and I tried to grab some of the fog

Sadly, I mist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?" Left me red faced when she replied,

"Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit"

This morning I saw a lady talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought the cat understood her...

When I got home I told my parrot. We had a good laugh. Lol.

My wife walked into the bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Rubbing her shoulder, she said, “I don’t think I slept right. My shoulder is stiff. Are you stiff?”

I said, “No.”

After a second or two I added, “This water is nice and hot, you should get in the shower.”

She asked, “Do you think it’ll help my shoulder?”

I said, “No, but ...

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wake up every morning at the same time to a raging boner.

It runs like cockwork.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

My trans am stopped running this morning..

anyone know where I can get a quart of gender fluid?

After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

I built a snow man this morning.

Then the sun came out and it became genderfluid.

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.