A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

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What do you call masturbating in the summer?

A heat stroke.

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Call me shallow, but a child left in the car in the summer with the windows up...

is so fucking hot!

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

The makers of summers eve

The makers of summers eve has release a new product line for men. A spray for men called umpire, for foul balls.

To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer"

they are in recovery.

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3 guys are out walking their dogs in the summer.

Eventually they decided to find some place to grab a drink, so they went to a nearby pub.
"Oh, damn" said the first guy. "no dogs allowed, guess we'll have to find another place to drink."
"What, are you kidding me? Watch this and do what I do." said the second guy as he pulled out a p...

I loved last summer in Milwaukee.

I think it was a Tuesday.

You know what's cooler than going to the beach on a summer day?

Going to the beach on a winter day.

Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the...

My summer body is in shape.

Round is a shape.

On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.

It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.

“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “C...

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Summers goes to his 20th High school reunion...

He sees and old friend of his. The guy is wearing a 3 cornered hat, he's got a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a black patch over his left eye.

Summers says, "Robey, this is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"

Robey says, " Well I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and...

I’m so excited for summer!!!

I just wet my plants.

I heard Humpty Dumpty had a great summer!

But he had a horrible fall.

What does a pig say on a hot summer day?

"I'm bacon out here!"

I like to spend my summers by volunteering to help blind children

by the way verb, not adjective.

Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?

Because they have no class

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At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc.

I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

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A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

I plan to lose 10 kg before summer starts.

Just 13kg to go

Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion

>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

A penguin is driving through the desert on a hot summer day.

Suddenly, his car breaks down. He goes to the local auto mechanic to fix it. The mechanic says "Come back in 30 minutes and I'll tell you what's wrong" Meanwhile, the penguin is really hot in the desert. He goes and gets a vanilla ice cream to cool down. However, in the hot desert, the vanilla ice c...

'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife.

I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'

I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin.

She said "no, they're new."

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

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When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!"

"Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.

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What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

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The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money a...

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

What do bees say in the summer?

'S warm, isn't it?

I asked my dad a few summers ago why he planted a tree in our backyard

With the summer heat practically grilling everyone, he seemed to be fine under the shade of our roof

My father responded, “You’ll understand why I planted it eventually”

Years later, as the tree grew much larger, it provided shade for everyone

Now I understand it was foreshadow

Pride is like the summer...

It comes before the fall.

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I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

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I've been getting my dick sucked A LOT this Summer...

I should really put some pants on and do something about all these fuckin' mosquitoes.

What’s the difference between 9/11 & that summer I worked as a roofer?

9/11 was an inside job

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening

Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."

"Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago."

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

A husband and wife on a hot, summer day . . .

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she s...

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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

"Don't get me wrong," says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea."

"You Englishmen," snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest p...

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.

My cab drivers keep reporting me to the cops.

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un were all fishing on a lake one beautiful summer day.

Putin got hungry so he got out of the boat and walked on water to the shore and bought some sandwiches and walked on water right back and got in the boat.

Trump was amazed at what he saw and for once he was speechless.

Later Kim Jong Un was thirsty so he got out of the boat and walked ...

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

Why Mexicans are freezing in the hot summer?

Because they're surrounded by ICE.

A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"

The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife an...

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

What's Irish and comes out in summer?

Paddy O'Furniture

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

This summer was driving down the highway when it saw police lights flashing in its rear view window...

It, being the good summer it is, pulls over and the cop approaches its car window. The officer leans in and says, “Summer, do you know fast you were going?”

Summer, without hesitation, lights a cigarette and puffs, “I don’t know, Sir. Too fast?”

What happens when you don't make the summer Olympics?

You luge.

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Why did the whistleblower wait until summer to move to Russia?

It doesn’t really Snowden.

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I have this amazing plan this summer. I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant, and when they least expect it...BANG!!!

I will fuck their boyfriends.

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College kid home for the summer, answers an ad for an "Assistant Gorilla Catcher"

Old man says we usually don't get much work. But it pays $20 an hour, with a 40 hour week. Kid accepts the position and most of the summer goes by without a single phone call. Finally a call comes in for an escaped gorilla from the zoo, up a tree. Old man tells the kid to get the baseball bat and sh...

When I was 7, I would write my mom letters when I was at summer camp

When I was 7, I would write my mom letters when I was at summer camp asking her when I could go home.

She would always write back "stop calling me mom. For the last time, you're not at summer camp. We sent you back to the orphanage"

What do you call a Muslim that only prays during the Summer?

Sunni.

What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics?

Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.

Michigan summers are amazing....

It was on a Wednesday last year.

A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."

So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream....

Where do hillbillies like to hang out during the summer?

The shallow end of the gene pool.

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

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I visited Australia this summer, I saw a a guy fucking a kangaroo and a one legged man jacking off in a bar.....

I asked the bartender, what's wrong with this place?

He said, "What do you mean what's wrong with this place?"

I said, "On the way over here I saw a guy fucking a kangaroo, and that one legged man is jacking off over there!"

The bartender said, "That man in the corner, poor fell...

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Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the l...

Hey girl, is summer over yet?

Because I’m falling for you.

Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile...

"24 but feels like 36."

When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

A penguin is driving on a hot summer day when his car...

... suddenly starts to make noises and smoke out from under the hood. The penguin coasts into the service space and stops at the garage.

The mechanic there tells the penguin it's going to take a bit of time to see what the problem is, and starts working on the car, so our penguin shuffles out...

Spent my summer with the bomb squad!

It was a blast...

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