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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wif...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Why you taking your girl to Maine this summer?

I'm going to Bangor.

Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation

Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for the summer?

John Cougar Mellen-camp

During a hot summer, a man goes through a McDonald's drive through and orders several cold drinks...

He repeats this process several times a day for a few days.
After the 4th day, a McDonald's manager decides to investigate why this man is buying so many drinks. He asks the man "why do you keep buying so many drinks when you could just go to a grocery store and get them cheaper?"

The man...

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

I Summer in Maine and Winter in Florida...

...and sometimes I fall in bars.

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.

It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

As a child, I used to have two sets of summer vacation homework.

One that the school gave us, to be finished in the last few days of the vacation, and the other, that my father, ever so graciously, asked me to do every day of the vacation before he left for work. He used to ask me to memorise all the possible uses of articles, hundreds of idioms, similes, commonl...

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

I had a wonderful childhood. I remember the summer of 1992, my dad put me in a tire and rolled me down a big hill.

It was a Goodyear.

Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there.

On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation.

They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer?

I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.

What's green and goes to summer camp?

A brussel scout!

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A college guy works for a farmer bailing hay over the summer...

Farmer: “You’ve done a great job working for me this summer. I want to throw you a party before you go back to college. Hope you like to drink.”

College Guy: “Oh yeah! Being in college, I’ve learned how to throw a few back.”

Farmer: “There probably will be some fighting.”

Colleg...

I love the British summer

It's my favourite day of the year.

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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your ...

Two bears are sprawled out in a forest, sweating profusely in the extreme summer heat

"I can't take this anymore," One bear says to the other, "It's *unbearable*!"

How did the ice cream man sell all of his melting product on a hot summer day?

He had a liquidation sale.

It's almost summer!

Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready

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Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights.

Therapist: Tell me more.

After a disappointing summer...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

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I used to work for Disney, but their offices were always so hot during the summer.

I guess they don't give a shit about fans.

What do cats eat on hot summer days?

A mice-cream cone!
Ha, ha ha

How do you confuse an idiot?

Summer

Where do pregnant women go in the summer?

Labor Camp

In the summer I lose track of how many AC’s are in my apartment

I guess I’m just not good at accounting.

I lost 200 lbs over the Summer.

"Wow! What's your secret?"

Divorce.

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

Two men are hunting in the woods...

Andy and Ed are off hunting on a hot summer's day, when all of a sudden Ed collapses, seizing and foaming at the mouth. Andy panics and instantly whips out his phone to call 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" Andy frantically yells into the phone.

"Ok, calm down sir. Let's take this one...

I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer?

A shhhhh-kabob

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

What’s the most mathematical aspect of summer?

The tan lines

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

Nothing beats the Swedish summer...

it's simply the best day of the year.

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What do you call masturbating in the summer?

A heat stroke.

On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...

On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...


At the beautiful village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,
''Before we order, I wonder if you could settle a...

Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

There's a anti vax kids only summer camp

It's called the cemetery

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

This summer I spent my vacation in the beautiful town of Hammerfest.

It was about time.

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

summer is like communism

there are no classes

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Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hotdog.

She walks to the nearest hotdog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst. He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it, and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the...

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

People worry about their "summer body"

but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

I once got a summer job to grade the county gravel roads.

I got fired when I started flunking all the roads for being too bumpy.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in...

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Call me shallow, but a child left in the car in the summer with the windows up...

is so fucking hot!

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

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3 guys are out walking their dogs in the summer.

Eventually they decided to find some place to grab a drink, so they went to a nearby pub.
"Oh, damn" said the first guy. "no dogs allowed, guess we'll have to find another place to drink."
"What, are you kidding me? Watch this and do what I do." said the second guy as he pulled out a p...

As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer"

they are in recovery.

The makers of summers eve

The makers of summers eve has release a new product line for men. A spray for men called umpire, for foul balls.

My summer body is in shape.

Round is a shape.

Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?

Because they have no class

On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.

It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.

“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “C...

My friend went on a vacation to Finland over the summer but he found communicating with the locals to be difficult

He had trouble finnishing his sentences

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

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A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

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Summers goes to his 20th High school reunion...

He sees and old friend of his. The guy is wearing a 3 cornered hat, he's got a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a black patch over his left eye.

Summers says, "Robey, this is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"

Robey says, " Well I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and...

I’m so excited for summer!!!

I just wet my plants.

Knock knock

“Who’s there”

“You”

“You who?”

“Big summer blow out”

I like to spend my summers by volunteering to help blind children

by the way verb, not adjective.

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I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

What did Lucius Malfoy tell Dr. Dre during the annual summer bonfire?

Do you want more s'mores, Dre?

Pride is like the summer...

It comes before the fall.

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At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc.

I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

A husband and wife on a hot, summer day . . .

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she s...

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion

>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

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A nice day

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.

The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling ...

What are the four bad things about Soviet agriculture?

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter

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When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!"

"Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.

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I've been getting my dick sucked A LOT this Summer...

I should really put some pants on and do something about all these fuckin' mosquitoes.

'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife.

I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

What do bees say in the summer?

'S warm, isn't it?

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin.

She said "no, they're new."

A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening

Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."

"Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago."

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The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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Did you ever hear about Hitler’s children’s book?

Mein Summer Kampf

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Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

What’s the difference between 9/11 & that summer I worked as a roofer?

9/11 was an inside job

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

Two boys play in a stream

Two boys are bored on a hot summer day, so they decide to go down to a local stream to play and cool off. They’re walking down the trail through the woods when they notice there’s somebody in their normal play spot. Curious, the boys sneak closer to the water and hide behind a bush as not to be seen...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

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One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money a...

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

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Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

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