This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!"

"Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

A young man was building a fence as part of his summer job

A young man was building a fence as part of his summer job when his boss came by and checked on his progress.

"I'm sorry lad", his boss said, "but the fence posts are supposed to be further apart. You're going to have to repost them all."

The working man replied, "That's okay. I'm go...

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

I asked my dad a few summers ago why he planted a tree in our backyard

With the summer heat practically grilling everyone, he seemed to be fine under the shade of our roof

My father responded, “You’ll understand why I planted it eventually”

Years later, as the tree grew much larger, it provided shade for everyone

Now I understand it was foreshadow

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.

My cab drivers keep reporting me to the cops.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been getting my dick sucked A LOT this Summer...

I should really put some pants on and do something about all these fuckin' mosquitoes.

Pride is like the summer...

It comes before the fall.

A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening

Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."

"Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago."

What’s the difference between 9/11 & that summer I worked as a roofer?

9/11 was an inside job

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

Humpty Dumpty is real depressed after his terrible summer

Let's hope he has a great fall

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

What happens when you don't make the summer Olympics?

You luge.

This summer was driving down the highway when it saw police lights flashing in its rear view window...

It, being the good summer it is, pulls over and the cop approaches its car window. The officer leans in and says, “Summer, do you know fast you were going?”

Summer, without hesitation, lights a cigarette and puffs, “I don’t know, Sir. Too fast?”

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

A husband and wife on a hot, summer day . . .

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she s...

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

"Don't get me wrong," says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea."

"You Englishmen," snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest p...

I got a summer job digging holes to find water

It's well boring

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

Why did the whistleblower wait until summer to move to Russia?

It doesn’t really Snowden.

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

Why Mexicans are freezing in the hot summer?

Because they're surrounded by ICE.

What do they call summer in Finland?

The best day of the year.

Why is summer the worst season for programmers?

Because it’s filled with bugs.

What do you call a Muslim that only prays during the Summer?

Sunni.

What's Irish and comes out in summer?

Paddy O'Furniture

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

College kid home for the summer, answers an ad for an "Assistant Gorilla Catcher"

Old man says we usually don't get much work. But it pays $20 an hour, with a 40 hour week. Kid accepts the position and most of the summer goes by without a single phone call. Finally a call comes in for an escaped gorilla from the zoo, up a tree. Old man tells the kid to get the baseball bat and sh...

When I was 7, I would write my mom letters when I was at summer camp

When I was 7, I would write my mom letters when I was at summer camp asking her when I could go home.

She would always write back "stop calling me mom. For the last time, you're not at summer camp. We sent you back to the orphanage"

Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un were all fishing on a lake one beautiful summer day.

Putin got hungry so he got out of the boat and walked on water to the shore and bought some sandwiches and walked on water right back and got in the boat.

Trump was amazed at what he saw and for once he was speechless.

Later Kim Jong Un was thirsty so he got out of the boat and walked ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have this amazing plan this summer. I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant, and when they least expect it...BANG!!!

I will fuck their boyfriends.

Michigan summers are amazing....

It was on a Wednesday last year.

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the l...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl qu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."

So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream....

When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

Spent my summer with the bomb squad!

It was a blast...

Did you hear about the German summer camp where they gave all the kids adderall?

It turned into a concentration camp

A penguin is driving on a hot summer day when his car...

... suddenly starts to make noises and smoke out from under the hood. The penguin coasts into the service space and stops at the garage.

The mechanic there tells the penguin it's going to take a bit of time to see what the problem is, and starts working on the car, so our penguin shuffles out...

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile...

"24 but feels like 36."

One hot summer day on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are sitting on the stoop outside their apartment.

Bert turns to Ernie and says, _"Want to go get some ice cream?"_

Ernie replies, _"Sure Bert."_

Hey girl, is summer over yet?

Because I’m falling for you.

What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics?

Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I visited Australia this summer, I saw a a guy fucking a kangaroo and a one legged man jacking off in a bar.....

I asked the bartender, what's wrong with this place?

He said, "What do you mean what's wrong with this place?"

I said, "On the way over here I saw a guy fucking a kangaroo, and that one legged man is jacking off over there!"

The bartender said, "That man in the corner, poor fell...

Two necrophiliacs talk during a hot summer day.

*Sweating*, it's way too hot outside!

Let's go in and crack open a cold one.

How do rabbits stay cold in the summer?

Hare conditioning

People of Alabama have summer teeth.

Summer there. Summer not.

What kind of summer camp would a toilet, a mountain lion, and a cantaloupe all go to?

A John Cougar Melon Camp

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.

A kid and his mom are home during the summer

The boy asks his mom if he can go the neighbors house to play and she says yes. Thinking she has some time, the mom gets comfortable and starts walking around the house topless. The little boy comes home shortly after and see his mom topless.

"What are those?" He asks.
"These are my headl...

Procedural programming is like school in the summer.

It has no classes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One summer day...

...a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin

It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."

What's Reddit's favorite drink this summer?

Peñis Colada

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where are my testicles, Summer?

[removed]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

TIL about a pack of lions that had a massive orgy at the end of last Summer

They were the pride that came before the Fall

Damn This Summer Heat!

It's so hot, when I took water out of the refrigerator, the goddamn bottle started sweating!

There once were two sisters: one named Petal, the other named Fridge.

One day, as the entire family was relaxing in a field on a nice summer day, Petal asks her parents: “Mommy? Daddy? Why did you name me Petal?”

Her parents replied: “Because, darling Petal, on the day you were born, a beautiful red rose petal was whisked into the air, flew softly in the wine, ...

Canadian summer

I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"

He said "No! I was working that day."

An EU diplomat, a Chinese diplomat, and a Nigerian diplomat meet at an annual international summit.

They become friends while talking, and the EU diplomat suggests they go spend the summer at his holiday home. So after the summit they fly to Nice, and drive in his car down a gleaming new highway to the EU diplomat's home on the French Riviera. It has six bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a swimming p...