When I was a kid I was diagnosed as color blind.

It really came out of the purple.

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.

When i was a kid , we were soo poor

For Christmas my mom would cut the pockets out of our pants ,so we would have something to play with..

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

When I was a kid I had a penpal who lived in southeast Asia who worked in an athletic clothes sweatshop. I would send him gifts from America and he would send me different clothes he made at work. His name was Chen, but I called him Bean Burrito.

Because he made me puma pants.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid.

Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

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When I was a kid

Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad..

My family was so poor when I was a kid...

We could only exchange glances at Christmas!

When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain

I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

Both of my parents died in a car crash when I was a kid.

Not only did I lose my parents, but Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all forgot about me that year too.

My fondest memory when I was a kid was building sandcastles with my grandpa.

I really enjoyed it until the day my mom hid the urn from me.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

While moving to a new apartment I lost several of my fossils from when I was a kid.

They weren't really worth much so I guess its just the sedimental value I'm missing.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

When I was a kid, I saw Finding Nemo on Ice.

That was my first time doing meth.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

I read this joke when i was a kid, its funny every time. It goes like: A Kid ran to his mother shouting...

"Mother, Mother.. there is a Dog outside our house and its the size of an Elephant!!"

The Mother replies " Son, i told you 5000,000 times, don't over exaggerate things too much."

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

When I was a kid, every time my dad farted he denied it.

It wasn't until years later that I realized he had been gaslighting me.

When I was a kid I used to pray for a bike daily.

When I grow up, I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness?

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill.

Those were the Goodyears.

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

When I was a kid

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

When I was a kid

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a storm trooper.

But I missed my opportunity.

When I was a kid, my dad always used to hit me with a camera....

I'm still having flashbacks.

I remember back when I was a kid, walking down a gravel road with my grandpa....

I accidentally tripped and fell, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first kid ...

"When I was a kid, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar-

and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs. You can't do that now. Too damn many security cameras."

When I was a kid, i told everyone I wanted to be a comedian. They all laughed.

Now that I am a comedian, no one is laughing.

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I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.

I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

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When I was a kid my parents told me "never open the basement door"

One day they went out , so I sneaked up to it and pushed it open and saw wonderful things I had never seen before.



Like trees, the sun, the sky.

When I was a kid, we didn't have Flat Earthers.

We only had Earthers, since the Earth was always flat!

When I was a kid, I asked my dad where God would send children who were bad.

"Well," he said after a pause, "I guess they get to the same place as the priests who were good."

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

When I was a kid , my acne was so bad...

blind people tried to read my face.

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

When I was a kid my parents use to make me walk the plank...

we couldn’t afford a dog

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

I used to hate maths when i was a kid

But as you get older you realise that decimals have a point

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”

“When I was a kid, I thought that everyone would pick one quote to pass on to further generations.

But now I realize that literally anything you say can be your famous quote”
— u/skillplants

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

Kids these days are way more grown up at an early age then when I was a kid. What we need is a way to...

Youthenize them.

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

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When I was a kid we were so poor...

We had to jack-off the dog to feed the cat.

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When I was a kid, we had a dog named Karen.

One day she disappeared and i never saw her again. My parents told me she ran away.

When I grew up, I realized that was bullshit, 'cause she would have taken me with her.

When I was a kid, I wanted to bang Mother Theresa

My friends were like "Ew! She's like a million years old...you're a seriously sick kid!"

And I was just like "Good! She doesn't seem to go for the healthy ones, anyway.".

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

When I was a kid, my brother told me about the treasure in the bottom of the well.

I fell for it.

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

When I was a kid, my foreskin got..

[removed]

When I was a kid I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a drummer

And she said "Well honey, you can't do both"

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy w...

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When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why...

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That we'd have wait for Grampa to sneeze to get something to hang on the Christmas tree.

(Thanks Rodney)

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When I was a kid I hated how the church operated

Its all quiet and dark



All the sitting down and standing up and kneeling



I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me

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When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.

Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

My family was poor when I was a kid

I was lucky to be a boy -- at least I had something to play with.

When I was a kid, I really wanted a dog. My dad told me if I prayed hard enough then miracles could happen. So I prayed all year, and then on Christmas a miracle happened!

Dad went blind! I finally got my dog

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel.

I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.

When I was a kid, my family was very poor.

I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.

Poor Onion.

He was such a good dog.

When I was a kid we were in line at the bank and the lady in front of us pager started beeping

I yelled "y'all look out she's backing up"

When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man

but now I want to be like Uncle Ben

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My mom used to tell me when i was a kid.

"Don't open the site named pornhub. You will see something that will haunt you for the rest of your life". Being a kid, i listened. One day the curiosity got the best of me. I opened up the site. she was right. i saw something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I saw my mom.

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

When I was a kid

Staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table..

..We were quite an incestuous family.

When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns."

I said, " who, me?"

PRANK CALL I did when I was a kid.

PHONE RINGS

Person Answers - "Hello?"

Prankster - "Is this the suicide hotline?"

Person Answers - "Uh...No. Sorry you have the wrong number."

Prankster - I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!

CLICK

When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.

But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...

Oldie: When I was a kid, my acne was so bad....

I fell asleep in a library and woke up to find a blind kid reading my face!

When I was a kid the police came to the church to ask if anyone knew any child molesters.

The priests fingered me.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

When I was a kid I thought I was the Messiah.

Every time my dad said anything to me it always started with "JESUS CHRIST!"

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

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When I was a kid, if I wanted to jerk off, I had to use a Sears catalogue

But now, with the internet, when I want to jerk off, I can just go to Sears.com.

I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid

They always tasted worse than the other crayons

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

When I was a kid, I googled 'DNA' to know more about it.

I was promptly directed to the National Dyslexic Association homepage

I was scared of the dark when i was a kid...

Now im afraid of the lights because of the electricity bills.

When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.

It was too bad they only ever played with each other.

My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"


The Italian throws out pasta.


The Chinese throws out rice.

...

When i was a kid, my father said he wanted me to be an autodidact.

I asked him what that word meant.

He told me to look it up.

Happy Father's Day, everyone!

I can trace most of my problems back to my parents...I'm not sure if they hugged me too much, or too little when I was a kid.

Either way, they should have been wearing clothes.

When I was a kid, I would dream about how it would feel being blind.

Nothing to see, really.

“When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom,” a man told his buddy.

“Your dad showed you pictures of venereal diseases?” the friend asked.

“No,” the first said, “they were all pictures of me.”

When I was a kid my dad left without any indication

All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW

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When I was a kid I caught a glimpse of my father’s dick

It made the rest of confession really awkward

Sometimes I look at pictures of myself from back when I was a kid and think

"I would murder this guy in a fight. No contest."

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rocket scientist..

Nowadays, I just sell weed.
It's not too far off, though. I still get people very high.

I had a pet mouse named Elvis when i was a kid, but he suddenly died one day.

He got caught in a trap

When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head

It was tough living in the gateau

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