UPJOKE

When I Was A Kid Jokes

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

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When I was a kid

Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad..

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his b...

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

When I was a kid I thought that being empty inside was a bad thing.

But then I grew up and learned about constipation!

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

This joke killed when I was a kid. Let me know how it holds up.

One time 3 boys went to the mall, their names were Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

While at the mall Trouble got lost. The other boys went up to a police officer and told him their brother was lost.

The officer asked "what are your name?"

The boys responded "Shut Up and Be Quiet"...

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

When I was a kid we got a dog from a blacksmith

As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid

I love you.

PRANK CALL I did when I was a kid.

PHONE RINGS

Person Answers - "Hello?"

Prankster - "Is this the suicide hotline?"

Person Answers - "Uh...No. Sorry you have the wrong number."

Prankster - I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!

CLICK

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

but it turns out that identity theft is a crime. ;(

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When I was a kid, we were so poor

I had to jack off the dog to feed the cat.

I had a lucky chess board when i was a kid

Even thought i never considered myself a great chess player i always seemed to be winning every game i played on that board. It was my lucky chess board. But what was really special about thay board was where it was produced. It was, czech made.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid;

girls got pinned, not nailed.

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

When I was a kid, my dad worked hard to put food on the table

He was a good waiter

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

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When I was a kid a genie asked me if I would rather have a long penis or a long memory

I forget what I chose.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

When I was a kid we were so poor!

We were so poor that in the winter time we had to gather around our sickest sibling just to stay warm.

When I was a kid, my foreskin got..

[removed]

When I was a kid, I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

When I was a kid, my family used to move a lot.

But I always found them.

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

We were so poor when I was a kid…

I thought the teachers were rich

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

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When I was a kid my mum walked in on me masturbating

A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.

"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"

I said: "I'm over here dad"

When I was a kid I wanted to be a fantasy writer

So when I became an adult I joined the UN's security council.

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

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My dad was so conservative that when I was a kid he wouldn't allow Skittles in the house because they let you taste the rainbow.

And rainbows taste like dick.

When I was a kid

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a storm trooper.

But I missed my opportunity.

Both of my parents died in a car crash when I was a kid.

Not only did I lose my parents, but Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all forgot about me that year too.

When i was a kid , we were soo poor

For Christmas my mom would cut the pockets out of our pants ,so we would have something to play with..

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

When I was a kid, the best boombox brands you could buy were JVC, Aiwa, and Panasonic.

..but those are just old stereotypes.

When I was a kid

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.

Today you can't, because there are cameras.

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My mom washed and combed my hair every day when I was a kid. I used to think it was so sweet and now I am horrified by it...

All those years, she was grooming me
Sick bitch...

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"


The Italian throws out pasta.


The Chinese throws out rice.

...

For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

When I was a kid, I goofed around with my dad’s coffee maker before he got done cleaning it.

I managed to get myself grounded.

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

I used to hate maths when i was a kid

But as you get older you realise that decimals have a point

I can’t remember if I had a Dalmatian or leopard when I was a kid.

Either way, my memory of my pet is kinda spotty.

When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns."

I said, " who, me?"

When I was a kid, I saw Finding Nemo on Ice.

That was my first time doing meth.

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

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I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.

I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

When I was a kid...

...I remember going to the store with a $1 and coming home with two bags of chips, a candy bar, a pack of gum, and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere.

When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain

I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker

When I was a kid , my acne was so bad...

blind people tried to read my face.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

When I was a kid

Staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.

When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel.

I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.

When I was a kid I used to pray for a bike daily.

When I grow up, I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness?

When I was a kid, my family was very poor.

I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.

Poor Onion.

He was such a good dog.

My family was poor when I was a kid

I was lucky to be a boy -- at least I had something to play with.

When I was a kid, we didn't have Flat Earthers.

We only had Earthers, since the Earth was always flat!

When I was a kid, every time my dad farted he denied it.

It wasn't until years later that I realized he had been gaslighting me.

When I was a kid I thought I was the Messiah.

Every time my dad said anything to me it always started with "JESUS CHRIST!"

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When I was a kid, we had a dog named Karen.

One day she disappeared and i never saw her again. My parents told me she ran away.

When I grew up, I realized that was bullshit, 'cause she would have taken me with her.

I read this joke when i was a kid, its funny every time. It goes like: A Kid ran to his mother shouting...

"Mother, Mother.. there is a Dog outside our house and its the size of an Elephant!!"

The Mother replies " Son, i told you 5000,000 times, don't over exaggerate things too much."

When I was a kid some guy said he slept with my mom last night. I told him he was a liar, cos I slept with my mom last night.

Looking back, I now realize what I said

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When I was a kid I hated how the church operated

Its all quiet and dark



All the sitting down and standing up and kneeling



I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a banker when I grew up.

...but I lost interest

When I was a kid, I wanted to bang Mother Theresa

My friends were like "Ew! She's like a million years old...you're a seriously sick kid!"

And I was just like "Good! She doesn't seem to go for the healthy ones, anyway.".

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When I was a kid, if I wanted to jerk off, I had to use a Sears catalogue

But now, with the internet, when I want to jerk off, I can just go to Sears.com.

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When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.

Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That we'd have wait for Grampa to sneeze to get something to hang on the Christmas tree.

(Thanks Rodney)

I was scared of the dark when i was a kid...

Now im afraid of the lights because of the electricity bills.

While moving to a new apartment I lost several of my fossils from when I was a kid.

They weren't really worth much so I guess its just the sedimental value I'm missing.

When I was a kid I sweared I would never be an adult always in a bad mood.

That's why I'm never in a bad mood. My mood is always terrible.

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When I was a kid my parents told me "never open the basement door"

One day they went out , so I sneaked up to it and pushed it open and saw wonderful things I had never seen before.



Like trees, the sun, the sky.

I remember back when I was a kid, walking down a gravel road with my grandpa....

I accidentally tripped and fell, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first kid ...

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

When I was a kid my mom told me I could become whatever I wanted

So I became a disappointment

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

Oldie: When I was a kid, my acne was so bad....

I fell asleep in a library and woke up to find a blind kid reading my face!

When I was a kid I was diagnosed with ADD

But I paid no attention

When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man

but now I want to be like Uncle Ben

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

When I was a kid my parents use to make me walk the plank...

we couldn’t afford a dog

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

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My mom used to tell me when i was a kid.

"Don't open the site named pornhub. You will see something that will haunt you for the rest of your life". Being a kid, i listened. One day the curiosity got the best of me. I opened up the site. she was right. i saw something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I saw my mom.

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table..

..We were quite an incestuous family.

I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid

They always tasted worse than the other crayons

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

When I was a kid we had fun rolling down hills in tires.

Those were goodyears.

When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.

But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...

When I was a kid, my father would say to my sister and I. "Who ever gets me a beer faster is the kid I'm keeping."...

I miss my sister sometimes.

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

When i was a kid, my father said he wanted me to be an autodidact.

I asked him what that word meant.

He told me to look it up.

Happy Father's Day, everyone!

When I was a kid my dad left without any indication

All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW

"When I was a kid, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar-

and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs. You can't do that now. Too damn many security cameras."

When I was a kid I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a drummer

And she said "Well honey, you can't do both"

When I was a kid, I googled 'DNA' to know more about it.

I was promptly directed to the National Dyslexic Association homepage

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill.

Those were the Goodyears.

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

When I was a kid I was diagnosed as gluten intolerant.

When I misbehaved my mom would make me eat a bunch of white bread. A gluten for punishment kind of thing.

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

When I was a kid I took an aptitude test...

It said I was best suited to become a bartender and all I could think was, "Well that's one way to see my dad!"

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