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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?

Bob.

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Posting this for a friend who thinks this a funny joke.. what do think? (NSFW)

Nobody: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Me: Idk

Nobody: an Uber

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.

Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody ca...

Who gets communist jokes?

Everyone ideally

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the...

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

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A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.





























Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.



.
...

To who ever put the "L" in Noel

Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.s

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”


The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.


“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the ho...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

There are two types of people in this world: One, who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

Two.

What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class?

Doctor

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

A Meanderthal.

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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I had a friend who was the best ever at putting worms on fishing hooks. We called him

Jack off joe, because he would also jack off all the time

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

Confucius say: Man who fart in church...

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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Some guys are arguing over who has the dumbest wife

The first guy says, "My wife spent $15,000 on a new kitchen, and she can't even cook!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My girl spent $45,000 on a sports car but can't drive a manual transmission!"

The third guy goes, "That's the best you can do? My wife packed a box of 50 condoms...

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A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.

The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door.

She immediately gets on the phone...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

The guy who stole my diary just died...

My thoughts are with his family.

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

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What do you call a horse who’s had sex with many horses?

A whorse

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

What do you call a mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

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What do you call someone who is addicted to anal sex?

A crack addict.

What did the person who invented knock-knock jokes win?

A no-bell prize!

What rock group has 4 men who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

Did you hear about the lawyer who was prosecuted for having a loophole fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Who has no choice to strip to make ends meet?

Electricians

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I was talking to a British man who told me he bought a tiny car for his testicles

I asked him why he would do that?

He said "it drives me nuts!"

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad?

A faux pa.

The guy who stole my calendar finally got caught …

He got twelve months

In a fight between a car and a train, who would win?

The train, because its been training.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

What should you give a woman who has everything?

Penicillin

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Who works for an online site that’s worth billions for free?

A Reddit Moderator

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

Have you heard about the italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

What do you call someone who hates using fax machines?

Anti-Faxer

TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce.

They can't see the red flags.

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't even close his casket!

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

who decided to call it ‘gluten free’…

and not ‘against the grain’?

What do ya call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Ya don’t.

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name after surviving being attacked by a lion?

He's now called Claud.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

The man who invented the crossword puzzle died today...

...he was buried 4 down and 3 across.

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with six guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

Who are the worst guests at a dinner party?

Vegan bitcoin owners.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

did you hear about the guy who got all of his left side cut off?

he's all right now

Don’t be ashamed of who you are .

That's your famlies job.

I have a friend who is half Indian.

He's called Ian.

What do you call someone who dyes their hair orange?

Transginger

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

I was dating this girl who had a wooden leg

But it just wasn’t going well. So I broke it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish I knew who was off

Because people keep suggesting that's who I should fuck

Who should carry the bear mace when hiking with friends?

The slowest runner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who loves shopping?

A buy sexual

I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He said, “Why? is she good looking?”

I said, “No, she’s a optician.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

The Greek president called the British thieves who stole the Sculptures from the Parthenon and won't give them back.

The British parliament was outraged by the illiterate accusations! People who openly take your property and threaten you with death are called robbers, not thieves

If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive

I'd have enough to make me attractive again.

What do you call a jaguar who cheats on his wife?

A cheetah..

Did you hear about the bird collector who didn't buy enough soda for his party?

His guests were disappointed that he only had Toucans

What do you call the nation of people who scratch their knees?

Itchinese.

Thank you and good night

Who are the world's fastest reader...

911 victims they went through 101 stories in 9.2 seconds

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

I hope the guy who invented autocorrect

Burns in Hello.

A seven foot tall woman who looks exactly like Al Gore’s wife walks into a bar

Bartender says, “I’ll bet she’s a big Tipper.”

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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what do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

a tearjerker

When my daughter Ria turned 4, she was so crazy with happiness, I took her to the doctor who said:

Euphoria

What do you call the play about the pretzel who wanted to be king of Scotland?

Snackbeth

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assasinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

I know a man who flunked tree doctor school...

He fainted at the sight of sap!

Who do Canadians hate more than the French?

French Canadians

(I’m sorry)

Three brothers are arguing over who got their mom the best Mother's Day present

The first brother says "I got mom the best gift! I bought her a brand new house! It's so huge, its practically a mansion!"

The second brother says "No, I got mom the best mother's day gift! I bought her a brand new luxury car and I even hired her a chauffeur to drive her around! She just has ...

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A woman who worked at a glory hole was asked if she preferred some members over others. Her response?

All in all it's just another prick in the wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

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Those who jump into the valley of wishes speaking what they desire shall wake up having their wishes granted.

3 men arrived at the valley.

The first man was a really horny one. He shouted "Hot girls!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded by a sea of the most beautiful women. He was so happy.

The second man was a geek. He shouted "Books!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded...

What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?

His house got re-possessed

What do we call a person who watches over kids while hiding in the shadows and sneaks in the kids room when the parents are asleep?

Santa Claus

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" in bed.

I asked if she want to have sex. She said no. I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a wife into an ex-wife.

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Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?

ass skin for a friend

what do you call a carnivorous dinosaur who falls in love with his own mother?

Oedipus Rex

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

Did you hear about Salvador Dali’s brother who was a really good boxer?

His name was Muhamma

What do you call a hooker who uses Pepsi for lubrication?

A Pop-tart.

What happened to the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

People who make counterfeit batteries....

Belong in cells

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

I was disappointed that my sister started dating a guy who praised Stalin, idolized Karl Marx, and was working to form a union at work

I don't know she missed all the red flags

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

There was a young French artillery officer, who had notions of grandeur, that is, until the day he stood too close to a firing cannon

He thought he was Napoleon, but he was actually blown-a-part.

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

What do you call a Spiderman villain who eats a lot?

Green Gobblin'.

Our dog suddenly ran to the front door and barked. "Who is that?", my son asked.

"It was the dog", I responded.

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

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