UPJOKE
hishimhimselfthemheasneitherforwithonenotbutthenwhenshe

Who Jokes

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

There was a farmer who had three daughters

All of his 3 daughters were going on their first dates that same evening. Being protective of them, he decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his gun.

So the first suitor arrived and told the farmer: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" T...

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis

So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night.

Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist docto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

The guy who invented autocorrect has died...

...his funfair will be help next sundial.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?

Everyone watching

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

I joined a local scat group on Facebook recently who said they were having a meet up

Once I showed up and saw what they were doing to each other, I realized my mistake and skiddy-be-bop-a-do’d out of there as fast as I could.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Who invented the circle?

Sir Cumfrence

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

Who’s the nicest guy the the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino?

They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?

The flambuoyants.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey JosĂŠ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can't run.

A cop arrests 3 ducks who were in the pond late at night.

He asks the first one: “What are you doing in the pond so late?” First duck replies “Blowing bubbles.” The cop rolls his eyes and asks the second duck: “And what were you doing in the pond so late?” The second duck answers: “Blowing bubbles.” He turns to the third duck: “And what were you doing? Lem...

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

Who is cheating?

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

• ⁠


Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a guy who lives in Ohio

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and ...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Who gets communist jokes?

Everyone ideally

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the jud...

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Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

I was a man who was trapped in a woman’s body

Then I was born

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Who composes all these blonde jokes?

Brunettes do, during the lonely winter evenings.

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

If I had a dime for every girl who found me unattractive…..

Eventually they would find me attractive

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

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