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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

What do you call an owl with PhD?

Doctor Who

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

I went to visit a psychic,

I knocked on her front door and she yelled

“Who is it”?

So I left

-Knock knock. -Who’s there? -Broken pencil. -Broken pencil who?

Never mind, it’s pointless.

Someone here is possessed by an Owl...

Who though?

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

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When Borris Johnson and Donald Trump have sex, who’s on top?

Vladimir Putin

A frog walks into a bank

He goes up to the teller, Patricia Black, and asks to borrow some money.

“I don’t have any info on you,” she says. I’m going to at least see some collateral before we can discuss giving you any money.”

“No problem,” says the frog, who pulls out a small statuette.

“What’s this? ...

"Knock knock"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"John"

"John who?"

John began to sob softly to himself, as his mother's Alzheimer's had gotten worse.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Woo.

Woo Who?

Why are you so exited, it’s just a knock knock joke

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An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”

A man sitting in the corner replies,

“You won’t have enough bullets”

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

What do you call someone who’s fed up with people?

A cannibal.

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Knock knock

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Grandad

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

Limerick

There was a young girl named Sapphire


Who succumbed to her lover's desire.


She said, "It's a sin,


But now that it's in,



Could you shove it a few inches higher?

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab.

Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

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Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think libraria...

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

Who is China's favorite NBA team?

[REDACTED]

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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Three mice are arguing over who is the hardest mouse.

The first mouse says, "I'm so hard I eat cheese with rat poison".

The second mouse says, " That's not as hard as me, I snort rat poison for breakfast".

The third mouse walks away and the others ask why it is leaving. The third mouse states, "I don't have time for this, I'm off to fuc...

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.

So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."

Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside c...

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What do you call a black guy who sells drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist ass.

There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

A man who works at the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland goes to his best friend's house.

The friend's wife opens the door and sees the look of grief on the man's face.

"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible accident and Liam died."

"Dear God, no!!! How?!"

"He fell in a vat of beer and drowned."

"Just tell me one thing: did he suffer?"

"I don't think so. H...

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Who cuts Simba's hair?

His mane man.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A wise man once said,... He who puts hand in other mans pocket,

Soon feels cocky!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

If two blind people have a baby

Who’s going to watch it?

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?

5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old

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There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,

one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,

the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,

"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you...

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

Malaysian airlines 173

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law!

The man who discovered milk

What was he doing with the cow?

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You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings?

An Alabamination.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

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Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? Amazingly, they were able to make a set of eyelids out of his foreskin when he was circumcised! He looks totally normal now...

Except he's just a little cockeyed

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

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What do you call a Frenchman who is gay?

Faguette

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

What do you call a guy who has 6.02*10^23 dollars?

A molennaire

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

if a female who murders is called a murderess then what do you call a male who murders?

a video gamer.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

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What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

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Why did the boy who moved to Alabama have sex with a dinner roll?

He wanted to be in-bread like everyone else.

Did you hear about the guy who slapped a Russian priest?

He was quite unorthodox

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There was a French knight who was great at math and sex

He was known as Sir Cum of France

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who get binary, and those who don't.

And those who weren't expecting this to be a ternary joke.

A man bursts into a bar with a revolver and shouts "Who's been banging my wife?"

A voice in the room shouts "You're going to need more bullets."

A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

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If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

Who made king Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference.

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve. You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?"

God shrugged, "Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Have you heard about the man who lost his left arm and foot in a car accident?

Reports are telling he's all right now

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

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