My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift

The first one bought her a mansion.
The second one bought her a Porsche.
The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars.
After some ...

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word!

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

A 15 year old boy was at the center of the cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

What do you call a person who just fell head first off of a 10 story building?

A crackhead







-I think this is original content. If not, please correct me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"

Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"

Daft bugger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

I'm starting a group for people who cannot climax.

Let me know if you cant come.

Did you hear about the girl who drowned in a sea of lemonade?

Her body was schwepped away.

I hate people who take drugs!

For example : Airport Security.

Have you heard of the kid who died breaking ore?

He was so young. Only a miner.

The people who chose Saturn's name were spot-on.

It really has a ring to it.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

Did you hear about the Scottish man who thought he had an std?

It turns out he was just allergic to wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sex position is for couples who don't like each other?

96

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay back his exorcism loan

He got repossessed

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

Who keeps the oceans clean?

Mermaids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

To the person who stole my antidepressants

I hope you're happy

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

I have a russian friend who's a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

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Did you hear about the guy who died from a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close the casket.

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
...

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Who is worse, Epstein or Hitler?

Epstein. Because, despite all his atrocities, at least Hitler killed Hitler.

A red guy lives in the red house. A green guy lives in the green house. A blue guy lives in the blue house. A gray guy lives in the gray house. Who lives in the white house?

An orange guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate guys who can suck their own dicks

They’re just so full of themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this German shepherd who comes to take a shit on my lawn every single day...

This morning, that fucker brought his dog along.

Did you hear about the man who slaughtered lizards?

He was a cold-blooded killer.

What do you call a person who studies about the mechanics and interactions of poo?

A fecesist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow"...

... don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

What do you call people who worship cheese?

Brielievers

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

The Person Who Invented The Knock-Knock Joke

Should get a no-bell prize

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

Never be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parent's job.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

Why can Doctor Who never help himself out in the past?

It would make a pair of docs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who fixes boners?

An erectrician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

What's the difference between the devil and someone who laughs but doesn't upvote?

One unleashed pain and misery, the other one isn't real

Did y’all hear about the guy who shot himself in Walmart in Black Friday?

They’re calling it a self-checkout

What do you call a child who fell off the roof?

An ambulance.

Knock Knock. Who is it?

"It's the police. "

"What do you want?"

Police : "We just want to talk."

"How many of you are there?"

Police : " Two."

"Talk to each other then."

Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

Knock knock. Who's there? Gwen. Gwen who?

Gwen find another joke, this one's rubbish.

What do you call a Mexican who's just lost his car

Carloss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

Compared with smokers, people who vape seem to be ...

held in more esteam

What do you call someone who tells you that you must see the new Star Wars series?

A Mandatorian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

Did you hear about the lawyer who came to the court with an empty bag?

It was a brief case.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also was a blonde...

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in...

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

Who won the 1940 Tour De France?

The 7th Panzer Division

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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Who the hell called them therapists

When they could have been called mental detectors

What do you call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

What do you call a man who had too much to drink?

A cab :)

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

What do you call a military officer who knows everything about anything?

General Knowledge.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab.

There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look

Opticians!

Who do mice pray to?

Cheesus Christ!

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the best Goalkeeper in the world?

Sunday, 8 am. Me and my mate walking through the streets of my town, completely hammered, seeking the first open Bakery we can find when we cross path with this very old man. He's tiny and look funny, three hairs left on his head, some missing teeth and a good ol' red nose. He stops us and ask:
<...

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

What do you call a lizard who can’t mate?

E-reptile dysfunction

Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"

Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."

Who is the hottest girl in the world?

Medusa because whenever I stare at her I’m rock hard.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

A roamin' Catholic

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up

I said, “Sure, 70.”

What do you call a Russian royal who calms down people?

A tranquiliczar.

Employer - In this job, we need someone who is responsible.

Me - I’m the one you want!

Employer - Why is that so?

Me - On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

What do you give the woman who has everything?

Penicillin

The Person Who Was In Charge of Ringing the Bell in the Bell Tower Wanted To Go On Vacation

To do this, he had to find someone to ring the bell each day, or he couldn't go. After looking for several days, he hadn't found anyone willing to do it. Discouraged, he went home and got on his computer to cancel his flight/hotel. Right before he canceled them, he heard a knock at the door. He got ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who jerks off with both hands?

Ambidickstrous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter...

are fucking nuts.

What do you call an Egyptian god who's bad at videogames?

Anoobis.

Saw a bumper sticker that said: “who farted?”

About two cars later I saw another bumper sticker that said “Jesus is the answer “ I’ll take highway jeopardy for 500 Alex.

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

Who called it screaming?

And not Irritable Vowel Syndrome

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

Did you hear about the cheesemonger who painted his wife?

Supposedly he double Gloucester

What do you call an electron who fixes cars?

A quantum mechanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two types of men.

The two types of men. The ones that have masturbated before, and the ones who aren't afraid to lie.

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

Artificial Swedener.

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