I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

The government has been shut down for more than 15 days....

We can all legally leave.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

St. Patrick's Day

So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused. "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ...

I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

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A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I had a threesome some days ago...

Two people didn't show up tho, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

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One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

What does a necrophiliac do after a long days work

Goes home and cracks open a cold one

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.