UPJOKE
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The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

As a Family we could‘nt decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated

so we let her live.

I saw a really nice bed on sale, but I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to get it...

I figured I'd sleep on it.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial.”

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

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What did The Magic Flute opera singer say when his son asked him whether his putting on a costume loaded with feathers meant that he was a homosexual?

Papa gay? No!

What do you call it when a couple fight over whether to use a condom?

Trojan War

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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I said to my wife, "I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going !"

She said, "By the look on your face you're going.
Because when you're coming, you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle."

How can you know for sure whether someone is really vaccinated?

Ask them who won the election.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

Little Jimmy was visiting with his grandpa

They were both sitting in the living room and suddenly little Jimmy asked the grandpa:

- ‘Grandpa, what is a c*nt?’

The grandpa was a little bit shocked with the question. He checked whether the grandma was in the kitchen and took little Jimmy up to the attic. There, he moved few of th...

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them.

Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles."

A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block.

Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat”.
“What does that mean?”, asks the girl.
“Go and ask your father in the garage”, says the mother.

So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mum says she’s in heat and to ask you about it”. ...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind.

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

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How are boobs and martinis alike?

They’re both good shaken.

Also, I wanted to see whether this joke has been posted before. But I don’t see where the search feature is for r/jokes. Can somebody explain where I can find that?

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

A normie and an anime watcher were having a debate if humans have souls.

Normie: People don't have souls.

Anime watcher: No they do.

Normie: Oh really? Then let's make a bet. We research whether or not people have souls and come back in a year to show our evidence.

Anime watcher: ok.

Normie: I bet $10,000, how about you?

Anime watcher: ...

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Two brothers are hunting in the woods...

One of the two brothers has a heart attack and passes out. So the other brother is worried and calls 911.

911: Whats your emergency?

Man: I think my brother just died. He's just collapsed and he's not breathing.

911: Can you make sure whether he is dead?

Man: sure.
...

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

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I can’t say whether or not science can create an aphrodisiac from fermented soybeans, but...

...I can say that it needs to be called Miso Horny.

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

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My girlfriend asked me whether I like breasts or legs.

Apparently, wings was not the correct answer.

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

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A woman asks her friend what her most sensitive body part is during sex.

Her friend replied: My ears
Her: Oh really?
Her friend: Yes. Because I have to keep listening whether my husband gets home.

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

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Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

I asked mon ami whether he happens to play video games.

He said Wii

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Mocho man,,,

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for din...

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

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People are always arguing whether boobs or ass are better.

But I’d rather have a whole human than just a body part.

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest...

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen

I don’t know whether to get a jack russel or a lab...

Because I really like dogs, but I also really like to have a place to do experiments

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A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel, which he often goes to. Unfortunately, he’s already had all the good looking ladies there, some even several times. So, he asks the man at the lobby, whether there is a woman, he has not had the pleasure with, whom he could have a really good night with.

The man says ...

What property is always true of the popsicle stick, whether or not it has ice cream on it?

It's always a little sticky.

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

What's the difference between Martial and Marital?

Whether the violence is domestic.

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There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate.

As you can see... That's bullshit.

My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids

Our son is taking it really hard

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on ...

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

I was asked whether I can perform under pressure at a job interview

I said "No but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try".

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

I bought a new mattress today but I’m not sure whether I like it or not

I don’t know, I’ll sleep on it

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

“There’s no whey in hell.”

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

This morning my wife asked me whether I had any dark stuff

And I admitted that between the pandemic and the Trump administration I’ve been feeling a paralyzing mix of anxiety and depression. Then she said “No, I’m putting a load of laundry in.”

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

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Understood?

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old ice hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or loose, but how we play...

A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch

For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist.

When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.

He replied, “I stand corrected.”

Whether they have it or not, the coronavirus...

Whether they have it or not, the coronavirus is causing people to make runs on toilet paper.

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with

He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.

Send bail money.

A priest was asked whether he had exploited anyone from the church. Father replied:

I have exploited none.

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

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My friend asked me whether he should take the job as a tester for super strength Viagra.

I said, “Go ahead. How hard can it be?”

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I hurt my ass on the farm.

Couldn't decide whether to go to a vet or a proctologist.

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

How can you tell whether a mathematician is introverted or extroverted?

The introverted mathematician will look at his shoes while telling you something.

The extroverted will look at your shoes.

Which vegetable does everyone hate whether they admit it or not?

Kim Jong-un

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

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Some people don't know whether to use the word 'burro' or 'burrow'

They don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Sometimes, it’s very important as to whether a sentence was said by a man or a woman

For example: “I used up a whole pack of tissues yesterday during that movie!”

There's an old saying in China: It doesn't matter whether the cat is black or white

it still tastes the same.

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

How do you tell whether someone went to Harvard?

You don’t have to. They will definitely tell you.

Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?

Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee

LPT: If you find yourself wanting a child, wait eighty years then reevaluate whether it was only a passing feeling.

This advice has been brought to you by the antinatalism movement.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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Whether you're a Redditor, a 4channer or a Tumblr...

We can all come together on PornHub

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

How can you tell whether or not someone vapes?

Wait thirty seconds.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

In a psychiatric hospital it is time to check whether any patient is ready to be sent home.

As part of a test the doctors put a car in the test room and observe what patients are gonna do. Everyone jumps in the car and behave as if they are driving, except for one person. This guy remains calm in his sit and starts laughing at others. The doctors think he has definitely recovered. So, they...

A minister dies..

..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, ta...

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:

"What happened to the cheese?"

They replied:

"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be...

How to tell whether someone is an idiot

“Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?”

“For that, we have special questions.”

“Can you name an example?”

“Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one...

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of $100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

A policeman is interrogating three new recruits training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first recruit a picture for five seconds and then hides it. 


“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” The recruit answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, "Recruit!...

As scientists try to determine whether it escaped from a lab or originated in an animal market

Others say it's the president now and everyone just has to live with it

When people question whether or not I have 94 chromosomes...

I double down

I have this stupid obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

My blind girlfriend and I were having a debate about whether Jesus was a Jew...

....but i just can’t respect her views, since she is a not-see

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Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I d...

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A woman was at the doctors enquiring whether it was possible so to get a vaginal reduction

After multiple tests and doctors visits she found that she was eligible for the procedure.

After she woke up form the anaesthetic she found three beatuiful bouquets for flowers by her bed side.

One from her surgeon, saying that everything had gone smoothly and her recovery should only...

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Whether Tom Hanks signs his thank you messages "T.Hanks" won't matter...

People won't open his emails anymore because it might be a virus

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

It doesn't matter whether your cup's half-full or half-empty

You're still wearing the wrong bra

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Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump has given us something we haven’t had in decades.

A First lady we can masturbate to.

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

My family voted on whether we should go to a Burmese or Laotian restaurant...

...we ended up in a Thai

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The Admiral

An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very
sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs,
an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal
staff...


The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it w...

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

A woman told her sister, "I don't know whether to watch my husband or the fire"

"'cause if I watch one, the other goes out"

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