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Whether Jokes

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I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

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I asked my doctor whether masturbation causes poor eyesight.

He said: “you’re in Walmart Sir”

The question was never whether Trump would be indicted....

But is he competent enough to be tried as an adult?

Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn?

Or is it just me?

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

My friend is convinced there's no way of knowing whether the chicken or the egg came first.

He's a real eggnostic, that one.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind.

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

How can you know for sure whether someone is really vaccinated?

Ask them who won the election.

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

I was doing a study on whether women are open to dating short guys

The 2 most common resposes were

1. Who are you
2. How did you get in my house

There’s so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

We couldn't decide on whether we wanted to have grandma buried or cremated.

So in the end, we let her live.

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Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I d...

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii".

They ask a passerby, who answers "HaVaii".

"Thank you", says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome", replies the passerby.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

During a history-themed comedy roast night, we couldn't decide whether to roast each other as ancient Roman gods or ancient Egyptian gods.

In the end, we agreed to diss a Greek.

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

How to tell whether someone is an idiot

“Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?”

“For that, we have special questions.”

“Can you name an example?”

“Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one...

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People are always arguing whether boobs or ass are better.

But I’d rather have a whole human than just a body part.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

How do you tell whether someone went to Harvard?

You don’t have to. They will definitely tell you.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

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I said to my wife, "I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going !"

She said, "By the look on your face you're going.
Because when you're coming, you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle."

I saw a really nice bed on sale, but I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to get it...

I figured I'd sleep on it.

I asked mon ami whether he happens to play video games.

He said Wii

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids

Our son is taking it really hard

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

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There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate.

As you can see... That's bullshit.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

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Whether you're a Redditor, a 4channer or a Tumblr...

We can all come together on PornHub

Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:

"What happened to the cheese?"

They replied:

"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be...

How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

I don’t know whether to get a jack russel or a lab...

Because I really like dogs, but I also really like to have a place to do experiments

Deciding whether to buy gold or silver...

...is an either ore situation

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen

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I can’t say whether or not science can create an aphrodisiac from fermented soybeans, but...

...I can say that it needs to be called Miso Horny.

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

How can you tell whether a mathematician is introverted or extroverted?

The introverted mathematician will look at his shoes while telling you something.

The extroverted will look at your shoes.

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

Which vegetable does everyone hate whether they admit it or not?

Kim Jong-un

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?

They'll tell you.

When people question whether or not I have 94 chromosomes...

I double down

Sometimes, it’s very important as to whether a sentence was said by a man or a woman

For example: “I used up a whole pack of tissues yesterday during that movie!”

People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

“There’s no whey in hell.”

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Some people don't know whether to use the word 'burro' or 'burrow'

They don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

I'm unsure whether I like my beard.

But it's growing on me.

I asked my husband whether I’m the only one he’s been with

He said yes, all the others were 9’s and 10’s.

Send bail money.

It doesn't matter whether your cup's half-full or half-empty

You're still wearing the wrong bra

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

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What did The Magic Flute opera singer say when his son asked him whether his putting on a costume loaded with feathers meant that he was a homosexual?

Papa gay? No!

Whether Tom Hanks signs his thank you messages "T.Hanks" won't matter...

People won't open his emails anymore because it might be a virus

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

What property is always true of the popsicle stick, whether or not it has ice cream on it?

It's always a little sticky.

A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch

For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist.

When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.

He replied, “I stand corrected.”

I bought a new mattress today but I’m not sure whether I like it or not

I don’t know, I’ll sleep on it

Every time my wife asks whether the kids want fish fingers

I have to respond by saying "I didn't even know fish had fingers". I try to stop but I just can't.

If you are debating whether or not to shovel your neighbor's driveway...

Ask yourself, "would they do the same for me?"

If the answer is no, do it anyways out of the kindness of your heart.

If the answer is yes, go back inside.

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

Whether she kicks you in the groin or sits on your face...

Taint gonna happen either way.

Whether you love him or hate him...

...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

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If your wondering whether your going to annoy grammar nazis with your typos

*you are

There's an old saying in China: It doesn't matter whether the cat is black or white

it still tastes the same.

How to check whether you have a fast PC...

Click anywhere on your desktop (not on icon).

Quickly press on keyboard Ctrl+A then Enter.

So you will know.

A woman asked her husband whether she was pretty or ugly

Woman: Darling, am I pretty or ugly?

Husband: Both

Woman: What?? What do you mean both??

Husband: I meant, you're PRETTY UGLY

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I asked the priest whether it was normal to masturbate during a marriage.

“No," He said, "I just find your bride very attractive.”

Someone asked me whether my children are going to be vegetarian

I said they would probably be made of meat like everyone elses

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

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My friend asked me whether he should take the job as a tester for super strength Viagra.

I said, “Go ahead. How hard can it be?”

[At the museum] Her: Do you know whether we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No. I think they need to stay on the wall.

My family voted on whether we should go to a Burmese or Laotian restaurant...

...we ended up in a Thai

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

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Historians are torn as to whether or not Hitler had a favorite date

Some say that he vehemently denied having one

while others say it was 9/9/99

My blind girlfriend and I were having a debate about whether Jesus was a Jew...

....but i just can’t respect her views, since she is a not-see

The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most?

I said ''open your legs and I will show you''
Then I nutmegged her.

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

I can't decide whether to get this broom or large stepping stool.

I think I'm going to have to go with the ladder.

Someone asked me whether or not I believed Indian food is healthy.

I told them I'm a naan-believer.

I asked God whether or not to open a brothel

He replied "build it and they will come".

I have this stupid obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

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Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump has given us something we haven’t had in decades.

A First lady we can masturbate to.

In a psychiatric hospital it is time to check whether any patient is ready to be sent home.

As part of a test the doctors put a car in the test room and observe what patients are gonna do. Everyone jumps in the car and behave as if they are driving, except for one person. This guy remains calm in his sit and starts laughing at others. The doctors think he has definitely recovered. So, they...

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive...

try missing a couple of payments.

My wife and I were deciding whether we wanted a third child

Which is a bit awkward because he's 5.

As scientists try to determine whether it escaped from a lab or originated in an animal market

Others say it's the president now and everyone just has to live with it

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

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A woman was at the doctors enquiring whether it was possible so to get a vaginal reduction

After multiple tests and doctors visits she found that she was eligible for the procedure.

After she woke up form the anaesthetic she found three beatuiful bouquets for flowers by her bed side.

One from her surgeon, saying that everything had gone smoothly and her recovery should only...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

I asked a friend whether he knew how to say "farewell" in French.

He replied, "Adieu"

Tom and Mary were arguing about whether boys or girls were better...

After a long debate, Tom pulled his pants down and said, "Ha! Boys are better because girls don't have one of these!" Realising that what Tom said was true, Mary ran home crying.

The next day, Mary returned beaming. "My mom says that girls are better," she said confidently. "Why? You don't h...

I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.

He said, Na-ama-ste.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

How would you figure out whether someone is an AI robot or a human in Reddit?

Nice try bot.

Two donkeys are standing near a street light and deciding whether to cross the zebra crossing or not

Donkey-1:Yo! What are you waiting for?Lets cross the road!

Donkey-2:No Way! Did you see what happened to the zebra?

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A farmer once showed me pure ox feces. I was always very skeptical of whether it was real...

...or just bullshit.

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen

I feel like we’ll just take them for granite

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

The Testicular Cancer Prevention Society called me to ask whether I received their email, and I said no.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

A blind answer poll was made to dads everywhere, whether they liked Republicans or Democrats.

The only answer they got back was "Yes."

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

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A woman asks her friend whether she should date an anti-semite.

Friend: "He sounds really nice!"

Woman: "I know...but he's always spouting unsubstantiated, racist nonsense, marching, and carrying around some sort of sign."

Friend: "Oh, he's a Neo-Nazi. That's a huge red flag."

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A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white

They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.

"God! Are you white or black?"

"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.

"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"

"Why would you assume that?!" asks the bl...

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