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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening..

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.

Great idea; terrible execution.

We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!” She blushed and asked if I really meant it.

“Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!”

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions....

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts bec...

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One evening, a husband says to his wife:

"Darling, tonight I will fuck your ear."
"Absolutely not!" the wife replies "What if I go deaf?"
"Well, you still haven't gotten mute, have you?"

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.

In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman of about 25 came to my table and asked, "Are you single?"

I smiled and nodded.

She took the other chair and brought it back to her table.

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive...

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90...

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

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A man and his wife go for an evening walk around the neighborhood

As they walk, they stop in front of a tree and the man says, "Look at this tree. Remember when we planted it?"

"Of course I remember", the wife answers. "So many beautiful memories we have together."

"Indeed", says the man. "What great day that was!"

They keep walking and see an...

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A lovely evening....

I was walking home the other evening as it started to get dark. Several feet in front of me was a young woman. After a minute she started walking faster. So I started walking faster. Then she broke into a jog. So I broke into a jog. Well then she started screaming and running as fast as she could. S...

Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond.

He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.



“Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing at the water...

I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..

Talk about short arms long pockets...

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

Steven: Good evening.

Stephen: Good ephening.


^^^bye

A man and his wife were going out for the evening.

A man and his wife were going out for the evening and the last thing they did was let the cat out. As they were going to the taxi, the cat went back inside. The husband ran inside to get him while the wife waited in the car. Not wanting it to be known that the house would be empty to the taxi driver...

A couple are driving home one evening and run over a badger.

They get out the car and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up"
Wife replies " but its all wet and it stinks" the husband replies; "well hold the badgers nose then"

Ralph is driving home one evening,

when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie G...

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

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Coming in from the snow one evening, a polar bear cub asked his mother, “Mom, am I 100% polar bear?“

His mother replied, “Yes, son! I am 100% polar bear and your father is 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear.“

Still not satisfied, the cub went to his father who gave him the same answer. “Of course, son! Both your grandmothers were 100% polar bear and both your grandfathers were...

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

One romantic evening...

A man is screwing his wife.

All of a sudden he stops and says, “Your chest is too flat and your box is too tight!”

The wife responds, “Get off my back!”

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

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A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office.

He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

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Stalin wakes up ealy one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

A soldier and a citizen are sharing a cigarette in soviet Moscow one evening when they see a man hurrying down the street...

"Hey! You there! Stop, comrade!" says the soldier.

The man continues to rush down the street, nearly at a full run.

"I said STOP!" shouts the soldier as he shoulders his rifle.

The man continues his rush down the street as a crack thunders through the air and the man falls to t...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

An old Chinese couple turn in for the evening

While lying in bed, the husband turns to the wife and says "You give me 69!"

And the wife responds "What? You want Beef and Broccoli now!?!"

I ran into an old friend the other evening.

Should have had the headlights fixed.

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A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

I live in such a dangerous part of town that I don’t let my kids go out in the evening.

They might just rob someone.

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My boyfriend’s dad is a doctor and told me about this case where a group of teenage boys had swallowed some BBs like from a BB gun.

A little later, one boy went crying to his mom because he had peed out a BB so obviously she took him in to the hospital.


A second boy went crying to his mom not long after, saying that he’d peed out a BB.


Obviously word of this got around the neighborhood mom group pretty fas...

The Ugly Man

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar.

He sits at the bar, ...

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