Every evening news start with "Good evening"

And then they tell you why it's not.

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

A man and woman were out for a date one evening at a fancy restaurant.

The waitress comes over to take their order.

The guy says, "I think I'd like a quicky."

The waitress says, "Excuse me!?"

The guy says, "I said I want a quicky."

The waitress slaps him.

The guy's date leans over and says, "I think this idiot is trying to order ...

Another Sunday joke!

A man went to a job interview a a door to door Bible sales company. This man had a real bad stutter but the guy doing the hiring thought he would give him a chance.

After 2 weeks the new guy was out selling all the other sales people by double! The box came to him on a Friday evening and to...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

Batman invited all the superheros to an evening discussing bitcoin investments

Superman didn't go because it was a crypto-night.

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

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One evening, I was laying in the bed with my wife, she looked a little bit sleepy already.

Thinking, it could bring some spice to our intimate life and light up the evening, I said: "Let's play doctor".

She agreed.

Bitch. She wrote me for September saying, her schedule is unfortunately already full.

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A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

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Father gives his son a lucky duck

A young man is celebrating his 18th birthday, when his dad comes over and tells him. "Since it's your 18th birthday, and we don't have much money, I want to give you this lucky duck. Go out and have a good time"

The young man, is a little sad, but accepts the present. Being a virgin he wanted...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

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A Tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Cava Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight today. A delicacy!"
The tourist said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me a...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender considers it and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat. He then reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender was impressed.

After the man finishes his dr...

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

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A trap set by wife for husband and the maid

one evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband. that night when they went to bed **husband** gave same old story "*excuse me my dear, my stomach& went to bathroom.* the wife promptly went into maid's bed & switched off the lights. when in he came silent...

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