A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?

“Thank you for your service”

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonn...

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

It was eleven years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife

Happy Mother’s Day!

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

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What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

My wife of 10 years left me because I didn't do enough chores

It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

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A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

I’ve been off my OCD meds for more almost a year now

(Or 11 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 7 minutes to be exact)

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

Is it safe to say that babies born in the year 2020 will be called....

...doomers?

This year was the first year I couldnt travel to Europe because of Covid-19.

Before this I couldnt because I didnt have money.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...


“What did you just call it?” I asked.


“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of t...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

So I had an interview last year

The interviewer: You answers should be quick
Me: Ok
Interviewer: what is 1490/52?
Me:quick

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What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

Buddy and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say

“Buddy, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Buddy always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Buddy, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never...

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I did meth and masturbation for one year, but now I'm clean.

Just washed my hands.

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?!

Next year we'll be laughing about the great Coronavirus fears of today

\-Not every one of us, of course...

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

My doctor told me I only had a year to live

So I killed him and the judge gave me 40 years

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time

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This was a joke that I was told last year by my tour guide in Berlin about Cold War-era Russia.

Every morning, General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev would go out onto his balcony and stretch. He would look up at the sun, rising in the East and go, “Good morning, Sun. It is a beautiful day outside.”

The sun would reply, “Good morning, General Secretary! Thank you for admiring my work!”
...

After years of getting yelled at and doing his work, i finally stood up to my bully...

He fired me.

I have the body of a twenty year old.

I keep it in the freezer.

A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944

"I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."


Reference: QI, S18E01

I’ve been battling my addiction to the ‘Hokey Cokey’ dance for a number of years now..

It’s been a long and hard challenge, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

I have the body of a 24 year old model

But it takes up too much room in my fridge.

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

Year 4000 will be a delicious year.

MMMM

My wife told me she had the body of an 18 year old.

I told her, "Give it back, you're getting it wrinkled."

Last year, I joined a support group for procastinators

We haven’t met yet

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate

I now live in constant fear

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

I heard Michigan just had the worst flood in 500 years.

Dam.

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

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What is the biggest obstacle of sex after 50 years of marriage?

Depends

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

Husband's 19 year old secretary

A woman finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

"My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope that y...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds...

And I’m proud to say that I managed to hit one of the little brats!

100 years after Trump dies, he gets one day back in Earth.

Trump visits a bar and asks for a beer. "So how is it in the middle east?" he asks the bartender.

"Don't worry, we've taken care of it. It's all ours."

"How about China?"

"Nope. Doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"Europe? Africa? South America?"

"It's all under us,"...

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

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A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

Telling your suitcase there’s going to be no vacation this year can be tough,

Emotional baggage is the worst.

Why was the anti-vaxxers 3 year old crying?

Mid-life crisis.

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

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When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"


To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..." ...

A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

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An 100 year old man brings home a prostitute from a local bar.

The lady begins to undress and perform a headstand in the corner.
The man asked, what are you doing? One of those fancy Carmen sutures positions.
She said no. I figured you can't get it up so go ahead and drop it down in.

100 year old on local TV



"So what's your secret, Sir?"

"I once sucked a guy for $ 20"

"No - to your longevity!"

"Oh, fruits and vegetables"

Year 2020 has a bad sense of humour.

We joke about it getting worse and it takes it seriously.

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery to honor her, I poured a fine 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

A Church.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years

The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

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Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.

Oh, and also fuck you.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex’s killer.

But no one will do it.

For the first time this year I didn't go in a European trip due to coronavirus

Every year I don't go because of money

Two quarks separated by a great few light years remain connected by their pee.

Quantum en𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒ment

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer...

...but apparently no one will do it!

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

My friend went bald years ago, but

He still carries a comb.
He just can’t part with it.

It has been a year since Notre Dame burned down and they still do not know how it started,

but Quasimodo has a hunch...

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

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After all these years...

After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy.

Every time I walk by she says, "What an Ass!".

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2020 is a leap year

and it leaped right into some bullshit

In 2015 I was in a job interview. The interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I don't recall my answer, but it wasn't this...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

In a year or two we are going to look back at this pandemic and laugh...

Obviously not all of us.

Why didn't the 4 year old trust her doodle?

It was a little sketchy.

My girlfriend was born in a leap year so technically she is 4 lol

And 1 in leap years

When my 5 year old son asked me what coffee tastes like;

I said, “Unfortunately, not as good as it smells.” And he said, “Oh. Like shampoo.”

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My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

I donated a kidney last year

They still want to know where i got it from

My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke

What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?


"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.

Five years ago, I asked the girl I love out for dinner.

Today, I asked her to marry me.

Shame she said no both times...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

So I was at a party some years ago with my new watch.

Unfortunately while I was there I found that ny watch had been stolen. I searched the party for hours trying to find, I was going completely mad. As the party started to wind down I began to lose hope of ever finding. Until I saw some douchebag harassing a some random girl, he was grabbing her arm, ...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

A guy was taking his year end final for his course in university (remember those?)

The time is up, all of the others have handed in their tests, and this one guy keeps on writing. The professor comes over to him and says "Times up! Hand in your test." He ignores this, and keeps writing.
"If you don't hand your paper over now, I'll disqualify your test," says the professor... an...

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years

When they first got married Ole said, "I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box w...

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We should have known that this year was going to look like ass

After all hind sight is 2020



Edited from my previous post

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My 4 year old told me this today: What do you call a monster with poop on its head?

Mad.

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An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! 


Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? 


iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...

but I didn’t realise it would ZOOM

(im sorry)

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

I can’t believe it’s been more than 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making Friends references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Ten years after Donald Trump died, he's allowed one day on Earth

He goes into a bar, orders a beer and, eager to catch up with the events, asks to the bartender:

"So what's going on with Afghanistan now?"

"Oh don't worry about that, that's all ours now."

"China?"

"Nope, doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"What about Europe?"
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An 80-year old man finds his wife doing a handstand naked against a wall.

Shocked, he asks, "what are you doing?

She replies, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop it in."

My 6 year old is coming up with dad jokes: What do you call Optimus Prime if he gets a tick?

Optimis-tick

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

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