Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n ...

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

My six year old’s current favorite joke:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Interrupting pirate.

Me: Interrupting pira...

Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wi...

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A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is yo...

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

2020 has been brutal this year

Now it's just Ruthless

My 6 year old daughter came up with this joke. What is a duck's favorite sea monster?

A Quacken

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

The year is 2077...

Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again.

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it??” The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy?” The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gon...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

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A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”
The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your ...

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

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A 10 year old girl asks her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves. In a few months, it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So we...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

Interviewer: how do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Man: that’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: that’s pretty impressive! You’re hired.
Man: thank you, I really need this yob.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

My horoscope said that i was going to get my heart broken in 12 year time.

So i bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

Moore’s law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years.

This is usually done by making them smaller.

Therefore, less is Moore’s

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released

UB40 now.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A Dinosnore.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

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One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"

[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]

My next door neighbor is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s

Every morning at 9 AM he knocks on my door and asks me if I’ve seen his wife.

Which means every morning at 9 AM I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for several years.

I could move. I could just not answer the door. But it’s wo...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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What's similar between a pregnant 15 year old girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

I'm going to this years Fibonacci convention.

It'll be as big as the last two put together.

I bought Pfizer years ago and was so excited to earn millions when they announced their COVID vaccine...

Oops.... Turns out I bought Pfizer Total Landscaping instead. Oh well. Maybe I could rent the place out for a news conference?

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

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What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

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My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said ‟back in '09”. It sounds much better than saying September.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the ...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "...

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

From my 7 year old son: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

(joke my 6 year old daughter got me with last night) “daddy, say ‘egg’ over and over really fast”

me: egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg

daughter: why are you laughing like Mr. Krabs?

This is the first year I’m not going to travel because of covid

Normally it’s because I’m poor

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

Donald Trump WILL be president next year...

For about 19 days.

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

I was a flat earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

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Study suggests that a man does sex for a minimum 30 times a year.

Looks like it is going to be fun December for me.

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee..

I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.

I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.

Good Luck..

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Because of a mid-life crisis.

I went to my doctor last year.

They said they had good news and bad news.


The good news is I had a year to live.
The bad news was it was 2020.

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

Out of all the inventions in the past 100 years, which one was the most remarkable?

The dry erase board.

A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with

What do only T-Rexes have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
T-Rex babies

We cannot allow this year to end

That would be admitting that 2021

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

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For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

I spent years searching for the perfect mustache

It was right under my nose the whole time.

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year....

I am now dealing with emotional baggage.

I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus.

Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

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One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady.

Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?



Don’t look down.

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

What do you call a cult that's been around for 1000s of years?

Culture

The sentence I have used the most this year is :

Do you see my screen now?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

What is the difference when a group of republicans scream for Trump to have "4 more years" and when a group of democrats scream it?

The republicans are saying it during his election, the democrats are saying it during his sentencing.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

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What does a 60 year old woman have between her breasts than an 18 year old woman does not?

Her bellybutton.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

A man wastes 5 years of his life on Reddit...

It’s me. I’m the joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

Why did so many Republicans turn blue this year?

Covid

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

The way this year has gone so far

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Corona virus vaccine will be available in suppository form only.

A North Korean man was arrested and given 15 years for calling Kim Jong Un a fathead

1 year for insulting the Supreme Leader and 14 for revealing a state secret

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...

February — EFG...

March — HIJK...

April to December — ELEMENOP.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!

Please for the love of god i just wana live four more years before the apocalypse starts

After years of drinking, I can say that alcohol cures obesity and bad looks

Not in me, but in people I look at

A couple had been married for 35 years,

the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic ...

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen

More at 11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

From the year that brought you 8 months of March

Welcome to Tuesday Part 4.

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stri...

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