I was introduced to my cell mate and he said,

"You touch my stuff and I will kill you. I catch you staring at me and I will kill you. You touch me and I will kill you."

I thought to myself, "Just got here and I'm already married."

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

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Got introduced to a doctor and I asked what field he was in. He said, “Urology”. I didn’t know how to respond…

So I said, “No shit?”

An 60 guy introduced his friend to his new trophy wife

When they alone without the wife they asked him : "how did you got such a hot wife? "

He said: " i lied about my age"

"did you tell her that you are fifty?" asked one of his friends

"no i told her i am eighty" replied the man

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

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My Dad is Glaswegian, I brought my first girlfriend home one day and introduced her, "This is Amanda".

"It's a fucking what!?"

My friend from Alabama introduced me to his wife and cousin.

Her name is Susan.

So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East

TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.
So far there has been mixed reviews.
People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

So today introduced my girlfriend to my parents

It was a bit strange since they couldnt see her

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

When they introduced cyberpunk 2077

I didn't get that 2077 was the release date

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

A man goes to join a monastery

When introduced to the abbott, he finds out it is a progressive monastery, where, while they generally keep the vow of silence, they are allowed to say two words every five years. The guy agrees to it and becomes a monk.

After 5 years the abbott asks him what he has to say. He says: "bad food...

My Mum introduced me to minimalism.

It's the least she could do.

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So turns out my wife Is racist

So I met a beautiful black woman but when I introduced her to my wife all she said was "pack your shit and leave"

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

I Introduced my GF to my EX

She got upset. I guess she didn't like the mirror.

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

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Wilhelm has just been sent to a German concentration camp.

He’s very grateful when his first day of brutal roadwork is over, but when he returns to the camp he is introduced to a strange tradition. As a sadistic joke, the commandant has forced all the prisoners to pretend to be clock pendulums, rocking back and forth and saying “tick tock tick tock” over an...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

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Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

So, I introduced my gf to my family today...

I still don’t know why my wife hates her so much.

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"

God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was appare...

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[NSFW] My new girlfriend just introduced me to her fetish....

I didn't want to tell anyone, but I just had to get this shit off my chest.

I was out on the street, minding my own business...

when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.

...

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then. Everyone had common cents

What do cows do when there first introduced?

They give each other a milkshake

I introduced my communist friend to Minecraft the other day.

Too bad he ended up starving to death.

What's worse is he's still AFK in my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man named Ted moved into an apartment building and was invited to have dinner by the old lady next door.

He arrives and is introduced to her beloved cat Sadie and then they sit down to eat.

A few minutes into the meal Ted starts feeling rather gassy. He holds it as long as he can but finally lets out a teeny fart.

Before he can apologize the old lady yells out "Sadie!" and tells her cat t...

My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...

He brought her out and said,

"meet patty"

My girlfriend introduced our new baby to my friends.

"Look at those chubby cheeks and bald head," they said.

I said, "Thanks, but we're here to talk about the baby."

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...

It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.

I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

I rode on an elevator to the eleventh floor and the operator jammed the door and introduced himself as Rick.

"Let me out, Rick! This isn't my floor!" I begged.

He smiled. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

A guy I wrote into a joke asked me to tell him if I was ever introduced to his girlfriend.

I said sorry, I never meta.

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