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Months Jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong

I am giving up. Drinking for a month

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's really going on.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."

"I want a second opinion."
"You're also ugly."

There’s a lady 6 months pregnant with twins in a car crash..

And she goes into a coma. When she wakes up 7 months later, she’s startled and confused.

‘What happened?’ She says to the nurse

Nurse goes ‘it’s okay, your safe. You were in a car accident!’

Lady replies ‘what about my babies?’

Nurse, ‘don’t worry, you’re brothers been l...

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

My doctor gave me three months to live

When I told him I wouldn't be able to come up with the money to pay the bill by then, he gave me three more.

I haven't worn clothes for 12 months.

I'm on a 1 year streak.

Why does Peter Parker only have eleven months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

How many months have 28 days?

>!All of them!<

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

I joined gym 8 months ago

But still didn't lose any weight, may be i need to go there and ask them what's wrong.

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

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I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.

Doc says "what have you been eating"?

I said well doc I've been eating snooker balls!!

What?? Snooker balls Charlie??

Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porrid...

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

Three months have passed

Since I have subscribed to the gym membership and I didn't lose a single pound. I might have to go there in person to see what's happening.

If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months...

Cause it would end after 2 seasons.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months...

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me t...

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Months ago I ordered a bunch of art....

From a really cool lithography studio, but none of it has arrived yet. I just have to hope that someday my prints will come.

Six Months

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

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A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. 

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. 

They went to her husband and explained what ha...

I'm moving to Greenwich in a couple months.

Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time...

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.

After that my mugging attempts have been very successful

I spent months inventing a wingless plane

sadly the idea never took off.

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[Old Joke] A couple are in divorce court just 3 months after marriage.

Judge : What is the reason for divorce so quickly?

Wife : He has a problem with premature ejaculation

Husband : I'm totally fine with it,my lord. Its she who has a problem with it

Did you hear the one about the Redditor that posts the same jokes every few months?

Yeah... we heard it already.

Did you know the original Gregorian calendar had different months?

January = Greg

February = Ian

March = Greg

April = Ian

May = Ian

June = Greg

July = Ian

August = Greg

September = Greg

October = Ian

November = Greg

December = Ian

9 months isn't really that long

It only feels like a maternity

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes

He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

An 80yr old couple had been arguing for months.

After having enough the husband said that’s it I’m going to leave you for a 20 year old.

The wife said that’s fine I’ll find me a 20 year old as well.

Just remember 20 goes into 80 a lot more than 80 goes into 20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break

When he tells his dad, he asks him “wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?

Timmy replied: “yes Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her”?

His dad said after a deep sigh: “well son, I’m Afraid you can’t date her, see when I was younger I got around if you know what I mean a...

My wife has clamored for months for plastic surgery so she could have a smoking hot body….

After seeing the doctor’s estimate, I told her cremation seemed more cost-effective.

So there’s a man I’ve been seeing for the last couple months, and honestly, things aren’t going too badly.

Problem is, no one else can see him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

I've been searching for my wife's killer for six months.

No takers so far, though.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

I helped make a joke but it won’t be ready for a few months.

I hope it’s a boy.

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

I choose to get a cavity search every 6 months

I love going to the dentist

A Russian coma patient wakes up after 6 months ...

... and asks for the news.

"Well, we're fighting in Ukraine - defending our motherland from NATO, and deciding the future of the world"

"How is it going?"

"Well, we lost over 15.000 soldiers, hundreds of tanks, hundreds of aircraft, it's a grinder"

"And NATO?"

"NAT...

A lady about 8 months pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the drive...

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

I saw the expiration date was six months past.

Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

A couple had been dating for a few months.

And they decided to consummate the relationship.

As they were driving to the hotel the man says, “Just so you know I am really nervous about doing this, you see I am built like a baby boy down there.”

She replies, “OMG I bet that was really hard to to confess too! And I am so relieved...

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