UPJOKE
babyminorinfantpersondaughteradultfamilykidhumanboytoddlerinfancyoffspringbirthteen

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without m...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died...

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving wo...

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and n...

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her.

So it makes sense that they’ve been given to Prince Andrew.

A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Ho...

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Abusive Children.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is ...

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

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Why do they evacuate women and children first?

You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.

(**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)

Children are like farts.

You're proud of your own, but other people's are kinda gross.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."


She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

My wife and i decided we don't want to have children!

We will be telling them tonight.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

What's the difference between a Taliban training facility and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

Raising children is hard as a trans parent

They see right through me

Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

So I’m trying to open a chain of outdoor, overnight facilities to help children overcome symptoms of ADHD.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble getting the bank to approve a loan for concentration camps.

What did Vizzini say to his wife after failing to have children?

INCONCEIVABLE

A man has 6 children and is...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as wel...

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

Why did Czar Nicholas lose his children?

They were always Romanoff.\*

* Roamin' off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

Why don't bananas ever adopt children?

Bananas foster

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.

She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lets go ride our bikes

What do children and ice cream have in common?

They’re sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adopted children are like testicles.

I always get weird looks at the grocery store when I take mine out.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

why do Chinese children not believe in Santa

They are the ones making the toys

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

I always wanted children when I was younger.

I could never entice them into the back of my van.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

My children were chewing on power cords again...

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died.

However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.

At her funeral the preacher prayed to God for this woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go...

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third t...

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Another name for children

Cumsequences

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

My wife and I were never expecting children

But then BAM, straight onto the windshield

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The children in Africa

When I was young and I wouldn’t eat my food, my mom would always tell me to think about the children in Africa and how they’re starving.

Being a good and impressionable kid, I really took her words to heart and made it an objective of mine to help these poor kids. Today I work as a volunteer...

There was a woman with 100 children.

She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog...

My children are my light in the darkness

...that they caused.

What did the children of the Polka Band's Tuba Player call him?

Their Oom Papa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town.

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town. He strikes up a friendship with little Timmy, who has a very rare disease. He promises to visit Timmy every week, and he keeps his promise.

He brings Timmy ice cream and pizza. He buys Timmy every star wars toy he can find. They ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children are like herpes

The stranger at the bar doesn't tell you they have them until it's too late, they wreck your wife's pussy, you dread going out in public with them, and when you think you're finally rid of them, they come back.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

I went to see the railway children the other day.

It was cancelled and I had to watch the railway replacement bus children instead. Not as good.

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Why won’t cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples?

Because kids don’t like to eat fruits and vegetables.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

a Mother has three children.

One day, her first child comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Flower?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a flower fell on your head."

Her second child, Twig, comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Twig?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a...

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing beastiality

My wife and I have come to the mutual agreement that we do not want children. And the judgement that is coming at us from family, friends, co-workers, it's just crazy.

And the kids aren't taking it very well either.

Why did King Arthur have so many children?

Because he Camelot

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

What's the difference between children and Isis?

Drones can't tell either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love my children more than life itself...

And I can barely fucking stand my kids.

What's the difference between orphans and blind children?

None. Neither can see their parents.

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?

They live past the age of three

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to write a children's book

It's called "Only You Poop and it's Wrong"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just bought some children's books and there was no porn in any of them

I'm suing the Republican party for false advertising.

How does a black mother tell her children apart?

She remembers them by their last names.

What do Bob Ross' children say when they pray?

"Our father, who art in heaven..."

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

A married couple has two beautiful children.

They are getting a third one but this time the child is super ugly.
So the man asks his wife: "Honey, did you cheat on me?"
The woman replies: "Not this time."

I've decided I definitely don't want to have children.

They are going to take the news hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unvaccinated kids have been found to have lower IQ's than vaccinated children.

Can't blame them, their parents are dumb as fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

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