I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it’s their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

I'd never let my children go to the opera

There's just too much sax and violins

Blonde: "Do you have any children?"

Me: "Yes, I have one, thats just under 2."

Blonde: " I may be blonde, but I do know how many 1 is."

Why was it so easy for King Arthur to have children?

He Camealot.

A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.

Man: “How many kids do you have here mam?”

Blonde: “Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?”

Man: “I have one that’s just under two.”

Blonde: “Look I know I’m a blonde, but I know how much one is.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

Why aren’t children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?

Because of all the Shrexual content.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and 17 dead children?

There’s no Ferrari in my garrage.

Where are ADHD children sent for therapy?

Concentration camps.

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So should children witness childbirth or not?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed ...

I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library.

I never even knew they had a section for that.

Please guys, could we not make any jokes about starving children?

I think they've got enough on their plate.

I once made a post about un vaccinated children

*It died in new*

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He t...

I would never vaccinate my children, that's reckless and dangerous.

I let the doctor do it.

I always wanted to have 3 children.

But now that I have 2, I just want 1.

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you cr...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

My wife and i decided we don't want to have children!

We will be telling them tonight.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …

A WWII pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.


(At this point, several of the children giggle.)


I looked up,...

How can you tell that the children of anti-vaxxers are radioactive?

They have half-lives.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

How do you call the beauty pageant for women with unborn children?

Miss Carriage

(Elder Scrolls) What do Argonian children study in school?

Hist tree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

My father kept telling me success stories of children of cab drivers.....

So I asked him to start driving a cab.

A guy from iceland and a girl from cuba get married.What are their children called?

Ice cubes

What's the difference between German and American children?

They're kinder.

I saw a sign while driving yesterday that said "Watch for children"

What a good trade

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

Every month I donate money to a children's charity.

Although the technical term is "government tax".

Every year, hundreds of children are shipped off to mime school ...

never to be heard from again.

What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children?

Orange is the new Black... 🙃

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

Why are anti-vaxxer's children good at keeping secrets?

Cause they don't live to tell the tale

What the difference between a government building and a children’s hospital?

Don’t ask me, I just fly the drones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Hello people of reddit. We have started a fundraiser for abused children. If only we can raise 500 dollars,

We can buy their silence.....

"42! 42! 42!", a redditor heard the neighborhood children chanting loudly and went over to investigate...

He saw all the children dancing around a well and chanting ”42!" over and over. One of them, who seemed to be the leader, saw the redditor and walked over to him.

"What's going on here?" asked the redditor.

"We've found the answer to life, the universe, and everything.” said the ringle...

Women should not have children after 35. Really…

35 children are enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To teach my two children about politics, I let them choose what we would have for dinner.

They picked two different shitty fast food joints, and then spent an hour arguing about which to choose. They never picked anything and we went to bed hungry.

An old man lay on his deathbed, surrounded by his children.

However, he had never met any of his children due to his avid drinking habits, and this was the first time they had seen or heard of him for 10 years. Not knowing anything about him, they were surprised when he turned to his oldest son James, and said
"Here son. You have all the houses I have on...

My abs are like young children when a new person visits their house

They’re there but nowhere to be seen

I think video games like Call of Duty set a terrible example for children.

There's no lag when you shoot someone in real life.

What do children and Jackson Pollocks have in common?

I look at both and think I could make them myself, but don't want them in my freaking house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up

When I was a kid, I asked my dad where God would send children who were bad.

"Well," he said after a pause, "I guess they get to the same place as the priests who were good."

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

I love making jokes about unvaccinated children

They never get old

A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is?

Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."

When I heard Julian Assange had 2 children with his lawyer while in exile...

I realized this gave new meaning to the words pro bono!

Five men, six women and seven children walked into a bar

None of them saw it around the corner.

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

My son Luke loves that we have named our children after Star Wars characters

My daughter Chewbacca not so much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Model trains are like breasts

They are there for the children but it’s the father that winds up playing with them the most.

What do police budgets and children’s coin holders have in common?

Both are piggy banks

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

I just lost my job manufacturing children’s playground aparatus

This industry is all swings and roundabouts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Father’s Day to all my children.

Wherever those bastards may be.

Did you know the baking soda packets are training their children to be police officers?

Yeah, they're raising agents.

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.


Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cli...

The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children.

You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.

The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".

After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets,...

The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.

She said to him I have something to confess.

Yes?

You know our 7th child, Little Joe?

He's not mine?

No, he is yours.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

When my future children ask me about my highschool graduation...

And how I answer:

“The graduation was great! But the reception was terrible.”

You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?

They live past the age of three

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

I let my kids play only with the autistic children.

That way I know for sure they've been vaccinated.

What do you call children born In early 2021?

Children of the quarn

Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.

Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.

A Blonde on a date, asked the guy, do you have any children? Guy replies, yes I have one that is just under two.

She says, I maybe blonde but I know how many one is!

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, the...

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Ma...

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now.

Probably the only way it could happen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Secret to long life

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.

The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13...

What was Beethoven's favorite children's game?

Hayden seek.

All the children were playing with the woodchipper, except Fawn.

She was spread out all over the lawn.

Most accidents happen due to children in the front seat

and most children happen due to accidents in the back seat

The **car** is the cause of em all troubles!

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