A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husban...

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

What did the drummer name his children?

Anna 1, Anna 2

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!

Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Third edit: I'm a proud anti-vaxx woman!

I am a happy father of 5 unvaccinated children...

Edit: 4 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 3 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 2 unvaccinated children*

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks...

With my wife, we have decided we don't want to have children.

The children don't appreciate this much though.

I stopped molesting children.

No kidding.

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

My friend used to help blind children

Now he is is jail for putting bleach into their eyes.

What do epileptic children have in common with cheap pizza?

Little Seizures

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

There once was a woman who had 100 children

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except for Ninety.

Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the ...

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children

I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance.

The air ambulance won.

A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

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Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

because they are more likely to be dead

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them

The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

Sometimes it makes no sense to vaccinate your children.

For example, when they're already dead.

Children in the backseat can cause Accidents....

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..

German Kids Are always going to be Kinder

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

One day a father took his two children to a zoo.

They were having a great time, until one realized the lion was acting strangely. Almost human like. So the father decides to tell one of the zoo employees. He leans over and says,”our lion died last week, so we hired a replacement”. The father didn’t bother to tell his children and went on with the ...

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

What do you call a man that tells dad jokes but doesn’t have children?

A faux-pa

Every Sunday service the priests whip the children.

I attend an unorthodox church

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

Thirty children dead after their school mandated they wear bulletproof vests to prevent shootings.

Swimming lessons should probably have been exempted.

I survived a genocide where millions of children were killed

...as the last sperm cell

How do anti vaxxers talk to their children?

Through a medium or an ouija board.

A mother is sitting in the car with her three children...

The first girl asks, "mom? Why am I named rose?"

The Mom says "because a rose fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

the second girl says "mom why am I named Lily?"

The Mom says "because a Lily fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

and then the...

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”

Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A graveyard

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

Why doesn’t Snow White have any children?

She’s still waiting for her prince to cum

Do you have children?

B: Yes, I have two kids.

A: Do you drink alcohol?

B: Yes, I have two kids.

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There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

I never hit my children

one of the good things about not bein there

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you w...

Two nurses are working at a children's hospital.

While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leave...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

What did the Mexican fire chief name his two children

Jose and Hose-B

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

What is the difference between anti-vaxx jokes and anti-vaxx children?

Anti-vaxx jokes live longer.

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

Squirrels don’t have children....

They ALWAYS swallow the nut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

What are Amish children called?

Omelettes.

Antivax mothers all over think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus.

And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than ten, because my basement is still dark.

TIL that yesterday was National Missing Children's Day.

Parents of reddit, what are you doing with all of your new found freedom?

A hillbilly couple decides they want to have children.

They try and try, but the wife won’t get pregnant. The wife finally convinces the husband they should see a doctor. They go to their appointment and the wife is seen first. She comes out, “Well it ain’t me so it must be you.” The husband goes in and is seen for a long time. He finally comes out with...

I don’t want to vaccinate my children

I think that’s something a doctor should do.

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

**Bobbie:** East?

**Robbie:** No. Larry.

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

Read about a small accident involving young children digging up shiny rocks...

It was a minor miner, minor catastrophe.

Children are like flowers.

Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

Why did I take my children to work today?

I wore the wrong sock.

I like to spend my summers by volunteering to help blind children

by the way verb, not adjective.

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

If a Cuban man marries a woman from Iceland and have children,

can the children be considered ice cubes?

An orpganage for blind children gets a donation

After the initial happiness had died down, the caretaker steps next to the donator and tells him:

-Sir, they didn't see that coming..

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

What's the difference between cannibal children and regular children?

Cannibal children can play with their food.

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were...

Whats the similarity between dark jokes and children with cancer

They never get old

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?


Depends on how hard you throw

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

What's the difference between misbehaving children and eggs?

The eggs taste better after I beat them.

Children are like cheap hookers.

They'll do almost anything for 5 bucks.

I only love children who give me a soft spot

But they never remember me

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas

The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

Anti vaxxing children

Anti vax children aren’t stupid, they just prefer free trials. Of everything. Including life.

If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsessio...

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

A young Native American boy asks one of the tribe elders: “How children get their names?”

The elder replies:

“When two get married they make love in their teepee and when they are done, they look outside, and the first thing they see will be the child’s name. Why do you ask two dogs humping?”

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

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