My wife and i decided we don't want to have children!

We will be telling them tonight.

I just started volunteering to help blind children!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

I think video games like Call of Duty set a terrible example for children.

There's no lag when you shoot someone in real life.

Children

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children.

You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I've told you n times, I've told you n(10³) times!

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

I’d never let my children join a orchestra

There is to many sax and violins

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,

"Good morning, Ma'am", he s...

I recently found out a bunch of people I know have been lying about being only children.

They keep posting things about standing with their black brothers and sisters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

I just lost my job manufacturing children’s playground aparatus

This industry is all swings and roundabouts

My son Luke loves that we have named our children after Star Wars characters

My daughter Chewbacca not so much

The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.

She said to him I have something to confess.

Yes?

You know our 7th child, Little Joe?

He's not mine?

No, he is yours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mo...

I'm a proud anti-vax mother of 4 beautiful children

Edit: 3 beautiful children

Edit: 2 children

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.

The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".

After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets,...

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Stop calling Karens children Angles....

They are not acute thing.

I live near a special needs school. There is a sign that says, SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. That can't be good for their self esteem.

But look on the positive side, they can't read it.

When my future children ask me about my highschool graduation...

And how I answer:

“The graduation was great! But the reception was terrible.”

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

I let my kids play only with the autistic children.

That way I know for sure they've been vaccinated.

Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.

Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.

COVID 19 is saving many American school aged children's lives.

Haven't had any school shootings due to schools are shut down.

What do you call children born In early 2021?

Children of the quarn

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

What was Beethoven's favorite children's game?

Hayden seek.

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now.

Probably the only way it could happen.

The coronavirus actually hits children the hardest with singing.

No one can touch their eyes and ears and mouth and nose.

Stop vaccinating your children!!

Let the doctor do it.

You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?

They live past the age of three

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, the...

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

A Blonde on a date, asked the guy, do you have any children? Guy replies, yes I have one that is just under two.

She says, I maybe blonde but I know how many one is!

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father of one of my children

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled and said "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be talking to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

So he says, "I'm sor...

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

Why can’t Caitlyn Jenner’s children see her?

Because she’s trans-parent.

What do you call it when you feed your husband to your big cat and steal his children’s inheritance?

Baskins Robbin’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

How many 1st born children does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, they hold it in place and think the world revolves around them.

I love jokes about unvaccinated children

They just never grow old

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

What's the difference between jokes about coronavirus and the children that contract it?

The jokes will eventually get old.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

All the children were playing with the woodchipper, except Fawn.

She was spread out all over the lawn.

Most accidents happen due to children in the front seat

and most children happen due to accidents in the back seat

The **car** is the cause of em all troubles!

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children"

And I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

If baby boomers were still fertile, how many children would be conceived in quarantine?

None. All of them would be in line for toilet paper.

Now that we're all self-isolating, the children just stand there looking miserably through the window.

But I think they should be grateful that I'm passing food out through the letterbox to them three times a day.

Honey I get a feeling you discriminating one of our children...

Which one? Dave, Lisa or the ugly one?

The CDC needs volunteers for the control group to test a new antidote for children.

Any antivaxxers have kids they can part with?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb....

Obviously more than 9 because my basement is still dark

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family councilor was having a group discussion with several parents and their children.

Councilor: You, parents, have named your kids after something you greatly value.

Parent 1: Oh, so I named my daughter Shelby because I like cars?

Councilor: Yes, that's the right idea.

Parent 2: And I named my girl Ruby because I love jewelry!

Councilor: That's correct....

I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

We're in big trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children young...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"

"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"

The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"

"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she...

An ant couple and their eight ant children

moved into an apartment together. They were tenants.

As a parent I never want to have to bury my children

So I had them both cremated

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

My wife and I have three beautiful children

And three out of five isn't bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

How did Palpatine mate and have children?

He executed Order 69.

Women should not have children after 35..

35 children is definitely enough!

How Communism would make children less annoying:

Child: "Dad, was that thing once yours?"

Dad: "Son, now it's OURS. There is no 'y' in communism."

Child:

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go ho...

What's the difference between Walter White and Kool Aid man when it comes to children's privacy?

One of them knocks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

Did you know that children are holy?

Well, catholic priests do.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die.

A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear about Hitler’s children’s book?

Mein Summer Kampf

Donald Trump is visiting a school

He enters one of the classrooms and asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Trump. "That would be an ACC...

I went to a children's petting zoo once.

So many angry parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple's children get together to ask their him about the origin of their names.

"I suppose you're all old enough that we can tell you the real story. Each of you were named according to the circumstances surrounding your conception," the father said.

"What about me?" asked his first child.

"Well, Breckenridge, your father and I took our honeymoon to go skiing and ...

Tolkien may have had a wife and children

but he also made a good batch o' lore

I made a disk out of iron that children can ride on

I guess you could call it a ferrous wheel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

What movie has Rick Astley’s children never seen ?

Up.

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?

They both give children serial numbers.

How do you call a guy who sells drugs for young children

A pharmacist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

Yesterday the police arrested two children...

...because the one was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating fireworks. So they charged one and let the other one off.
Badummm tssssss.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

What do tattoos and children have in common?

Both can be removed by a laser

True story from an acquaintance from Zambia: Before I came to this country, I learned that the Zambian government would offer a stipend to any family with five or more children...

My wife and I had only four children. When I found out about the stipend, I came to her and admitted that, years ago soon after we married, I had been with a woman in the mountains while traveling, and that I had a son with this woman that my wife never knew about.

After cursing me up and do...

Children in the back seats of cars create accidents

Although its only natural as accidents in the back seats of cars create children

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbi and a priest are in a burning building with a bunch of children

Rabbi: Let's get out of here

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids!

Priest: Do we have time?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is the difference between wine and children ?

Its better after several years in the basement

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

Why doesn’t Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and it’s down a chimney.

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

so I pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children wake up in the morning to find a strange man in their kitchen making some scrambled eggs...

They ask him: "Are you our new baby sitter?"

The guy replies: "No, I'm your new mother fucker."

{NSFW}She told me she wanted to see my children

So I nutted in her eye.

Jesus loves all the children of the world

But then again, so do priests

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

a Mother has three children.

One day, her first child comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Flower?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a flower fell on your head."

Her second child, Twig, comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Twig?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.