A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you w...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

Children are like flowers.

Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?


Depends on how hard you throw

I help blind children.

Verb, not an adjective.

If a Cuban man marries a woman from Iceland and have children,

can the children be considered ice cubes?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

What's the difference between misbehaving children and eggs?

The eggs taste better after I beat them.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

Anti vaxxing children

Anti vax children aren’t stupid, they just prefer free trials. Of everything. Including life.

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

Whats the similarity between dark jokes and children with cancer

They never get old

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

As the robber was standing in my house I begged once more, "Please, I have three children and a wife!"

He answered: "For the last time dude i'm not going to shoot you"

Two Young Children Walk Down The Stairs

The 9 year old says to the 7 year old
“I think that we’re old enough to start swearing now.”

The 7 year old says
“Okay but when will we do it”

The 9 year old just says
“Follow my lead.”

They walk into the kitchen and their mother says
“What would you like for bre...

Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children...

I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals?

Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

My elderly neighbor has grown children.

In her backyard, quite impressive.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

The mall Santa had many children asking for electric trains.

“If you get a train,” he tells each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?” After he asks that question of little Tommy, the boy becomes very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, Santa asks what else he would like Santa to bring him. The boy promptly rep...

There was a woman with a hundred children

There was a woman with a hundred children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them, so she just named them 1 through 100.

Eventually, through a series of misfortunes, 99 of the children died. Only the one named 90 survived. 90 grew up healthy, thankfully. She found a man and fell in lo...

I'm never going to vaccinate my children...

...I'll leave that to the doctors and nurses!

One day children are learning the word contagious.

One day children are learning the word contagious. They are told to use the word in a sentence. Mary says,"I had to stay home from school because I had a contagious disease." Steve says,"My neighbor was painting the fence and my dad said it will take that contagious."

Why were children used as chimney sweepers during the victorian era?

They were the only ones soot-able for that type of job

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

What do you call an Iraqi guy who sells bags to feed his children?

A bagdad

What do you call a game that antivaxxed children play?

Marco Polio

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

What do you call a pirate that likes children?

ARRRRGGHHHH Kelly.

Honestly women should not have children after 35..

That would be way too many

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

What's the great thing about unvaccinated children?

The long healthy life

Don't get it?

Neither do the children

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except  Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm s...

Yesterday i ran over three disabled children

Cripple kill

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A widowed mother of 3 is worried her children aren’t getting enough iron in their diet.

Not sure what to do, she mixes bb’s into their oatmeal. Later that day the first child comes running in the kitchen:

“Mama Mama - Guess what!?! I peed a bb!!”

“Oh, that’s good,” the mother assured, “that means you’re getting your iron.” And she gave the little tyke a cookie and sent ...

My wife and I decided we don't want to have children

So far the kids are taking it pretty rough.

I called my children Lager and Guinness

My wife's bitter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

I just donated $1000 to a blind children’s charity

Not like the kids will see any of it.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do y...

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

My friend told me that I must be autistic for not vaccinating my children.

It's such a shame that people still don't know how autism works.

Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

I don't know why people think throwing singles at children is the new viral trend...

Hollywood's been doing it for decades.

I always understood people who don’t want to vaccinate their children

I say leave that to the doctors

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man lives with his wife and 4 children

Three of the kids have black hair and brown eyes, and the fourth child is a redhead.

One day the man comes home with some terrible news. He has stage 4 cancer and 2 weeks to live. The family spends as much time with their father as possible until the day comes when he must die. He dies during...

I’d make a joke about food in front of starving children

But they wouldn’t get it.

No matter how generous and caring your children are...

German children are kinder.

What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a children’s school?

I don’t know, I’m just the drone pilot

What do you call a dog who loves children stroking his fur?

A petophile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can’t the Patriots football team members have children?

Because their balls are deflated

What do you call the "terrible twos" in unvaccinated children?

A midlife crisis.

Why can't the children of anti-vaxxers go to bars?

They never reach the drinking age.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

In 1590, John White traveled to Roanoke Island to discover that his entire family, wife and children, had disappeared.

Anyway, just figured out my family vacation plans

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teaching children the word "CONTAGIOUS" in class...

In English class the teacher wrote the word "CONTAGIOUS" on the blackboard and turned to her students.

"I'd like to you tell us all a sentence containing the word "contagious". Several students raised their hands and the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class their sentence.
...

Why are miscarried children very smart?

Because they weren't born yesterday.

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Beers are like children

I can nurse the first two, then I just start throwing them down

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?

Kohl’s

Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.

They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.

What's the difference between a weapons factory and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me buddy. I just fly the drone.

What’s it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby ...

How do anti-vaxx parents talk to their children?

Through a Ouija board

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

All children go through a phase of saying "no" to everything.

For german children it's the age of "nein".

Children are a lot like farts

you can normally tolerate your own but other people's are particularly unpleasant.