The wife and I decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

My wife and I have three beautiful children

And three out of five isn't bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.

“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.

"Mary, you take the offices in the Center.

"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.

"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."

The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must hav...

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

What game do anti-vax children love playing?

Marko Polio

Jesus loves all the children of the world

But then again, so do priests

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God i...

All around the world children are nice

But in Germany all the children are Kinder

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored ...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Over 2,000 children go missing every day.

You'd think some of them got the hint the first time round.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbi and a priest are in a burning building with a bunch of children

Rabbi: Let's get out of here

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids!

Priest: Do we have time?

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.

After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother repli...

As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!

Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Third edit: I'm a proud anti-vaxx woman!

Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve.

It’s called St. Eve Jobs.

Why did Bach have over 20 children?

His organ wouldn't stop

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three children at a catholic school are learning the alphabet

"Hi, kids," says the priest. "Today we're going to learn about the letter S."

The priest holds up a white board with the letter S on it.

"How many sins can you name that begin with S?" asked the priest.

The children thought for a moment, then Johnny spoke up.

"Slavery!" ...

Why can't the skeleton have any children?

Because he has a hollow weinee

If you vaccinate your children, you're stupid.

Let a doctor do it, hes a professional.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

What do you call a byte that likes children?

A petabyte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to name your children

Child 1: Daddy why did you name me Rose?

Dad: When you were a baby a rose fell on your head.

Child 2: Daddy why did you name me Daisy?

Dad: When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head.

Child 3: uajkjoeijafdsklJ!!!jakfajdfklfjdakfldjfkl?!JJkjkaldjfdkfjadkflj!!!!aiueriqp...

a Mother has three children.

One day, her first child comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Flower?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a flower fell on your head."

Her second child, Twig, comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Twig?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy

I'll call it little seizures.

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

My children messed up the furniture...

when i got home from work i said "Oh how the tables have turned..."

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but ...

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw children fighting at a playground, and being an adult, I had to step in.

*Little bastards didn't stand a chance...*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Chief, can I ask you something? How do you name these children?"

And the Indian chief says,

"It's very simple. When a child is born, and I see snow gently falling I say, you shall be called
Snow Gently Falling. And when a child is born
and I see a hawk flying over... I say, you shall be named Hawk Flying Over.
But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking,
why...

I just came back from the doctor, he told me I'm never going to be able to have children...

I asked him if I'm sterile, he said "No, you're just THAT ugly"

A mom has a conversation with her 3 children...

Rose: Mommy, why is my name Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head.
Lily: Why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when you were born, a lily landed on your head.
Other Child: Duhhhhshsiuuuu.
Mom: Shut up Brick.

What’s something this joke and unvaccinated children have in common?

They’ll both die young.

What did the drummer name his children?

Anna 1, Anna 2

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

I went to get a vasectomy and the doctor said I won’t have children anymore

When I went back home they were still there

What do you call a student who sneezes in a class full of unvaccinated children?

A terrorist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we cool it with the Epstein jokes already people? I mean christ, the man had children.

Locked in his basement.

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

My friend used to help blind children

Now he is is jail for putting bleach into their eyes.

I like children...

but I can never finish a whole one.

What did Darwin tell his children?

You're adapted

I understand parents who accidentally leave children in cars.

I mean who really checks their trunk everyday?

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

A man has 3 children: “Sandy”, “Snowy” and “Bricky”.

One night he is watching television, Snowy approaches him and ask: “Why is my name snowy?”

The father replies: “Because when you were born, a little snow flake posed on your head and your mother though it was beautiful”

The other day, Sandy approaches his dad and asks him: “Why is my n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having children is like making pancakes.

The first one is always fucked up, but you make all the other ones better and didn't drop none on the floor this time.

A teacher is checking if the children know the currencies from around the world.

First she asks Mike about Britain's currency and he says:"Pounds."

Then she asks Joe about America's currency he says:"Dollars."

Finally she gets to Peter and asks him what is Germany's currency.

He says:"TIMES."

Bamboozled, she asks what is "times"?

Peter:"Well yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

What do you call a bunch of chimpanzees who run a children's tv studio?

Nickelodeon executives

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

I see these signs that say "slow children at play"

I guess some people need the whole world to know how smart there kid is..

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children

I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

Why doesnt Santa claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney.

I stopped molesting children.

No kidding.

I am a happy father of 5 unvaccinated children...

Edit: 4 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 3 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 2 unvaccinated children*

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

Why doesn't the Church take the issue with priests molesting children seriously?

Because it's a minor problem.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

What do children and privileges have in common?

Abuse ‘em and you’ll lose ‘em.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead children does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 7, my basement is still dark.

What do you call it when a team of ghostbusters visit a children’s hospital?

Spawn camping.

Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is,

“You Can’t.”

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Why can’t Jedi children use their powers at the supper table?

Jedi parents don’t believe their children should be force-fed.

What do epileptic children have in common with cheap pizza?

Little Seizures

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

African children love their food like I love my Lamborghini.

I don’t own a Lamborghini.

How many children do you need to paint a wall?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

There once was a woman who had 100 children

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except for Ninety.

Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the ...

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

In a classroom the teacher wants the children to answer questions before they go to the bathroom...

A child goes up to the teacher and says: I really need to go to the toilet!

The teacher replies: Is it really urgent?

And the child says: Yes! Yes! Yes!

So the teacher says: Okay then. I will give you something easy then.

She continues: What is the alphabet?

And th...

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them

The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

Children in the backseat can cause accidents...

but accidents in the backseat can cause children.

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

What do you call a man that tells dad jokes but doesn’t have children?

A faux-pa

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

Why do unvaccinated children not have autism

Because they don’t live long enough to get tested

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

Sometimes it makes no sense to vaccinate your children.

For example, when they're already dead.

A mother is sitting in the car with her three children...

The first girl asks, "mom? Why am I named rose?"

The Mom says "because a rose fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

the second girl says "mom why am I named Lily?"

The Mom says "because a Lily fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

and then the...

How do anti vaxxers talk to their children?

Through a medium or an ouija board.

After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance.

The air ambulance won.

One day a father took his two children to a zoo.

They were having a great time, until one realized the lion was acting strangely. Almost human like. So the father decides to tell one of the zoo employees. He leans over and says,”our lion died last week, so we hired a replacement”. The father didn’t bother to tell his children and went on with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

My favorite jokes are jokes about anti vax children

They never get old

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

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