If you Remove the Shell from A. ....

If you Remove the Shell from A Snail it Actually Doesn't Make Faster, but Instead Makes it More Sluggish. ...

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

Hoes really be like blue shells.

They only chase me when I’m winning

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell

on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it go any faster

It just made it more sluggish.

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

When I was 3, I had a pet snail.

I always wondered why it was so slow. After a while I figured "maybe it's that shell of his"
So I removed it, but it didn't make him any faster.
He became really sluggish.

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

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Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

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My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

Last time I was at Disney with my dad...

He complimented Ariel on her seashells.

She didn't have seashells. They were more of a small B shell.

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

Because she grew out of her B-shells.

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

Why don’t mermaids use Bash?

Because they prefer a C-Shell.

What's the cross between a turtle and a gas station?

Shell

;)

It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.

He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people buy them...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

I tried to give iodine a full electron shell...

...but iodide.

Tank navigator: hey dude

Tank driver: yea?


Tank navigator: can ya pass me that shell?


Tank driver: ye sure


Tank navigator: tank you

What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

A man stands outside of a toothbrush factory

The owner of the toothbrush factory arrives early in the morning to find a man he has never met standing outside of the front doors.

As he approaches, the stranger sees him and says "Hey misther, I want to shell Toofbruthes for you!"

The factory owner is a little weirded out, but the ...

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

Why does Ariel wear seashells for a bikini top?

Because the B-shells were too small.

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach?

Oh no Michelle !

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

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They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they can't fit in d-shells.

Ever wonder why Ariel wears seashells?

Because she outgrew the B-shells

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg?

One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them.

And the other is an egg.

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

What do you call Bruce Lee stuffed in a shell?

A crustacean

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

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I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.

I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.

.

.

.

.

I'll see myself out.

What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake?

Yolko Oh-no

A man needs reassurance from his wife.

“Honey, when I look in the mirror, I only see a bald, fat shell of my former self.”
“Well, at least your eyesight is perfect!”

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

Panama Papers: Kim Jong-un among the latest release of persons involved in offshore shell companies.

Kim Jong-un was discovered to be sending most of his food to off-shore accounts to avoid the common folk of North Korea from eating it.

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