You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

What happens when you take the shell away from a snail?

It becomes sluggish

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because B shells are too small.

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

But why would you buy seashells if you're already by the sea?

When I first met my father-in-law he threw a shotgun shell at me

Then he said "Nice catch but the next one's gonna be going much faster!"

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

My girlfriend has a shell tattooed on her inner thigh

If you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea

My wife - its difficult to say what she does for a living.

She sells seashells on the seashore.

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because she’s too big for B shells

Two snails talking.

Snail One: I had to have my shell removed today.

Snail Two: So how are you finding it.?

Snail One: I feel a bit sluggish.

Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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Why are dildos the best kind of tank shell?

They’re both penetrative *and* explosive.

Why don't sunflower seeds get laid?

Because they're in shells

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

Say this aloud: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big!

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

The man once renowned, now…

Salomon Elliot is a notorious man from the familia, and ain’t no one ever cross the man. His name shakes fear into his foes and demands respect from his henchmen, wide across the Hudson and down even to the beaches of Miami.

After years of blood on his hands and the helpless cries of this fa...

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

Sea shell

When you put a Sea shell on your ear you can hear the sea.
SO my girlfriend had the bright idea to place a tattoe of a Sea shell on her inner leg.
Now whenever i place my ear on her shell, instead of hearing, i can smell the sea.

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

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My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

I got turned into an egg once. You know what the hardest part was?

The shell

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

Electron joke

Why did the electron went up to the 3rd shell?



It was Bohrd

My mother does unspeakable things at the beach.

She sells sea-shells on the seashore.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

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They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

New York City is the archnemises of Introverts

It always seems like it's a creepy introvert that wants to destroy the largest American city.


After 9/11, even Osama Bin Laden escaped to a cave and then a Pakistani stronghold to have his alone time and recharge.


But like any good friendship, that introvert has that one ex...

A fishing boat was out on the sea when a storm blew up.

The wives of the fishermen gathered by the docks, and were all really worried that the boat may go down. Everyone, except the captain’s wife, who was as calm as a clam shell, but wouldn’t say why. After a while, the others were getting quite annoyed that she, the captain’s wife of all, seemed almost...

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they can't fit in d-shells.

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

What do you call Bruce Lee stuffed in a shell?

A crustacean

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

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I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.

I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.

.

.

.

.

I'll see myself out.

It is really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

This is a joke

This is a joke we used to tell as kids and I thought I'd post it here. Feel free to point out any mistakes as English isn't my first language


Bernhard is flying on vacation with his grandmother. As they are sitting in the plane, he asks her:
"Can I throw this banana peel out of the win...

What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake?

Yolko Oh-no

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