My girlfriend has a shell tattooed on her inner thigh

If you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

Why does Ariel wear sea shells?

Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big

My brother broke my tooth with my pet turtle’s shell

That’s enamel abuse

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Why are dildos the best kind of tank shell?

They’re both penetrative *and* explosive.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

The other day I was organising snail races

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

This is a joke

This is a joke we used to tell as kids and I thought I'd post it here. Feel free to point out any mistakes as English isn't my first language


Bernhard is flying on vacation with his grandmother. As they are sitting in the plane, he asks her:
"Can I throw this banana peel out of the win...

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

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[NSFW] A joke translated from Mandarin

A Japanese man went to a famous Chinese restaurant in China, where he was served a platter of prawns. He asked the waiter, "In China, what do you do with the leftover prawn shells?" The waiter replied "Of course we throw them away." The Japanese man shook his head and said "No! In Japan, we send the...

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

It is really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

There once was a man who collected and raced snails.

He believed he knew how to make his snails fast enough to consistently win their races.

One night, he took two snails to the track he used for racing them, and removed one's shell, hoping it would give it the edge.

However, the snail with its shell removed was almost twice as slow as t...

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity?

He came out of his shell.

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

A turtle walks into a bar...

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order. The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?" Everyone started laughing. The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey." The bartender gets him his drink and says, "...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

Two native Cubans are going for a stroll through the forest.

The first guy mentions that he didn’t finish his hunting quota in time for supper, and explains that if he doesn’t find something suitable soon, his wife is going to be very cross with him.

The second guy, recognizing his friend’s plight, offers to assist the first in his hunt but asks a favo...

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

I picked up a shell at the beach.

I put it to my ear, hoping to hear the ocean. It was silent. Threw it back into the ocean in disgust. I still didn't hear the ocean. It just waved.

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

I bought a racing snail

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.

It didn't work, it became more sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Japanese sword smith meets his three sons at a shrine, and explains his final wish.

"I refuse to die until I am a great-grand father." He says. "Until you all three of you have given me a great-grand child, I will live on. When each of you grant me this, I will give you all a sword, each matching your personalities." After I give you the swords, I will die.

The child of the ...

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

Mario decided to take up an extra job at the bank.

He had only been working a few weeks and was having a rough day when suddenly a masked man bursts through the door and yells: "This is a robbery!"

This was the last straw for Mario and pulls a shotgun out of his desk, aims it at the man and gives him til the count of 3 to get out or hell blas...

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My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

Why won't the shrimp share its treasure?

Because it's shellfish.

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

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Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

The IRS is investigating a seafood company in Hawaii which dealt in mollusks

They suspect it of being a shell company being in fishy business

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

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Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach?

Oh no Michelle !

From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

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They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they can't fit in d-shells.

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

What do you call Bruce Lee stuffed in a shell?

A crustacean

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