The 39+ Best Shell Jokes

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.

How come the turtle didn't have a hard shell?

Because it had ereptile dysfunction

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea

All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

I had a one night stand with a girl who had a shell tattooed on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it you could smell the sea.

What did the Spanish snail say when asked what he carried inside his shell?

Es cargo.

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

What’s the difference between an epileptic shell shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

An epileptic shell shucker, shucks between fits.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

i hosted a party for snails that don't have shells

it was a slugfest

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A rooster was looking to furnish his roost with cockle shells

And his assistant asked “in terms of a supplier, do you want me to call the guy from Miami Beach, the guy from Hawaii, or the guy from Hermosa Beach? They all have great prices on cockle shells”

The rooster shrugged and said “any cockle dude will do”

The guys on the beach are charging such high prices for their shells

It’s Unconchinable

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

But why would you buy seashells if you're already by the sea?

When I first met my father-in-law he threw a shotgun shell at me

Then he said "Nice catch but the next one's gonna be going much faster!"

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I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells.

Then someday I’ll be the most bad ass zombie ever.

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.

- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

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Why are dildos the best kind of tank shell?

They’re both penetrative *and* explosive.

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They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

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My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

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