You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

In hopes of making my racing snail faster, I removed its shell.

But it only became more sluggish

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

What happens when you take the shell away from a snail?

It becomes sluggish

My girlfriend has a shell tattooed on her inner thigh

If you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

But why would you buy seashells if you're already by the sea?

When I first met my father-in-law he threw a shotgun shell at me

Then he said "Nice catch but the next one's gonna be going much faster!"

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

I saw a cicada last night.

The poor guy was just a hollow shell of his former self.

Two snails were chatting.

Snail One: I had to have my shell removed today.

Snail Two: So how are you finding it.?

Snail One: I feel a bit sluggish.

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

My wife - its difficult to say what she does for a living.

She sells seashells on the seashore.

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells shells on the sea shore...

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business.

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

Sea shell

When you put a Sea shell on your ear you can hear the sea.
SO my girlfriend had the bright idea to place a tattoe of a Sea shell on her inner leg.
Now whenever i place my ear on her shell, instead of hearing, i can smell the sea.

Why don't sunflower seeds get laid?

Because they're in shells

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

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My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

Say this aloud: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big!

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

The man once renowned, now…

Salomon Elliot is a notorious man from the familia, and ain’t no one ever cross the man. His name shakes fear into his foes and demands respect from his henchmen, wide across the Hudson and down even to the beaches of Miami.

After years of blood on his hands and the helpless cries of this fa...

What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they can't fit in d-shells.

From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

I got turned into an egg once. You know what the hardest part was?

The shell

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

What do you call Bruce Lee stuffed in a shell?

A crustacean

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

My mother does unspeakable things at the beach.

She sells sea-shells on the seashore.

Electron joke

Why did the electron went up to the 3rd shell?



It was Bohrd

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I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.

I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.

.

.

.

.

I'll see myself out.

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake?

Yolko Oh-no

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

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