Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because B shells are too small.

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

My girlfriend has a shell tattooed on her inner thigh

If you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are dildos the best kind of tank shell?

They’re both penetrative *and* explosive.

I got turned into an egg once. You know what the hardest part was?

The shell

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

My brother broke my tooth with my pet turtle’s shell

That’s enamel abuse

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

Electron joke

Why did the electron went up to the 3rd shell?



It was Bohrd

New York City is the archnemises of Introverts

It always seems like it's a creepy introvert that wants to destroy the largest American city.


After 9/11, even Osama Bin Laden escaped to a cave and then a Pakistani stronghold to have his alone time and recharge.


But like any good friendship, that introvert has that one ex...

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station!!!!

A fishing boat was out on the sea when a storm blew up.

The wives of the fishermen gathered by the docks, and were all really worried that the boat may go down. Everyone, except the captain’s wife, who was as calm as a clam shell, but wouldn’t say why. After a while, the others were getting quite annoyed that she, the captain’s wife of all, seemed almost...

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

My mother does unspeakable things at the beach.

She sells sea-shells on the seashore.

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A joke translated from Mandarin

A Japanese man went to a famous Chinese restaurant in China, where he was served a platter of prawns. He asked the waiter, "In China, what do you do with the leftover prawn shells?" The waiter replied "Of course we throw them away." The Japanese man shook his head and said "No! In Japan, we send the...

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

It is really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

This is a joke

This is a joke we used to tell as kids and I thought I'd post it here. Feel free to point out any mistakes as English isn't my first language


Bernhard is flying on vacation with his grandmother. As they are sitting in the plane, he asks her:
"Can I throw this banana peel out of the win...

Greek tacos sound good for lunch.

Gyros in a half shell.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

A Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had s...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

The other day I was organising snail races

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they can't fit in d-shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity?

He came out of his shell.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

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