I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything,

it made him more sluggish.

Why did Ariel wear sea shells?

The D shells were too large.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

Hoes really be like blue shells.

They only chase me when I’m winning

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

D’ya hear about the annoyed shell fish...

a proper frustracean.

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

I picked up a shell at the beach.

I put it to my ear, hoping to hear the ocean. It was silent. Threw it back into the ocean in disgust. I still didn't hear the ocean. It just waved.

Why won't the shrimp share its treasure?

Because it's shellfish.

The IRS is investigating a seafood company in Hawaii which dealt in mollusks

They suspect it of being a shell company being in fishy business

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

The Chinese premier was spotted selling people a popular Linux terminal app on the beach.

Xi sells C shells by the seashore.

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

Why did they kill Mr. Peanut?

Because he had become a Shell of his former self.

I tried to give iodine a full electron shell...

...but iodide.

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?

About 25 seconds in the microwave.

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell?

A she shell.

Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach?

Oh no Michelle !

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is?

Cause you're on the fuckin beach.

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

Because they can't fit in d-shells.

Why don’t mermaids use Bash?

Because they prefer a C-Shell.

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

What do you call Bruce Lee stuffed in a shell?

A crustacean

It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

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