Sound Asleep Jokes - 30 Hilarious Sound Asleep Jokes

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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Political joke

A boy asks his father:

What is politics?

Father answers:

It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business . Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.

Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law...

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

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What are Politics?

A young boy asks his father what politics are at the dinner table. His father responds with, "Well look at it this way son, I'm the president since I run the household. Your mother is the government since she pays the bills, the nanny is the working class since she works for me, and you and your lit...

A newly arrived First Lieutenant stationed at a military camp in the midst of a vast desert...

When arrived, he noticed something peculiar. He observed that his fellow soldiers were diligently taking care of a camel. They were bathing it, feeding it the best food, and treating it as if it were a goddess. Intrigued, the First Lieutenant inquired with a Sergeant about what made this camel so sp...

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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

Another dumb joke

**A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" th...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a ...

It's the little things in a marriage.

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into
her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What d...

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A group of blokes were down the pub downing a few schooners.

One of the blokes goes "I don't understand. I roll into the garage all quiet. Nice and light on the breaks. Get to the door and gently move the cat. Quietly open the door head inside and shut it with hardly a sound. Take my boots off and tip toe down the hall and slip into bed and every time the wif...

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Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

Young Gulls

The dolphin trainers at the state zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young se...

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A business man is travelling home for the weekend late at night when his car breaks down in a rural area.

He is in the middle of nowhere but spots a small farmhouse in the distance and walks there. He knocks on the door and is greeted by the farmer and explains the situation. The farmer let's him use the phone but the line is down and the farmer suggests he stays the night at the farm with him and his w...

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A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.

Farmer: ...

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Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

After a long day of travelling, a husband and wife decide to stay in the nearest hotel.

They go straight to bed and are almost immediately sound asleep. The next morning, they wake up and ask for their bill.

"That'll be $300 each," said the manager.

"WHAT?! Why so expensive?!" demanded the husband, outraged.

"Well, there was the car valet, the swimming pool, the sa...

Knock on the door at 2 AM

A husband and wife are sound asleep, when at 2 AM there’s loud banging on the door and a man shouting “Can you give me a push please?”

The husband wakes up and hears it, but buries his head under the blankets and tries to sleep again.

A few minutes later, the banging continues, and the...

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Rancher Abe and his mating bull

Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a vaginal smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the vaginal juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose

Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy a...

Two men are sitting at the bar

One says to the other: "So I've just crawled into bed. My wife's sound asleep. All of a sudden the smoke alarm starts chirping because the battery died."

The other guy says: "Let me guess. You tried to ignore it, drift to sleep and deal with it in the morning?"

"No way. Do you think I ...

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Not meant for shrimp lovers...(NSFW)

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother’s house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says “What is it Johnny?”. Little Johnny says “Grandma has a shrimpy”! His mother looks at him puzzled. “She has a WHAT?” Johnny ...

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Explaining economics to children...

A young boy asks his father to explain the economy to him. The father thinks for a while before responding, "Son, think of our household as the economy. I earn the money, so I'm capitalism.

"Your mother deals with the day-to-day running of the house, so we'll call her the government.

"...

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

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Ole decides to take Sven hunting for the first time...

They get up very early in the morning to head out, as hunters do. Sven said, "Ole, you wait by dis der tree here, while I go down to da valley and flush out da deer. If you see a deer, you shoot it and I'll come. If you hear a gunshot over my way, you come over and help me drag 'er out."

Ole ...

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