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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

I was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying

Even the cake was in tiers

Everyone was really excited at the Autopsy Club

It was open Mike night

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare

But I think it's much ado about nothing.

Everyone thinks I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid...

BS. I can stop when I want to.

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

In Iran, everyone is so very afraid of spiders.

But in Iraq no phobia.

Everyone asks me why I eat like I got out of prison. I explain them that in a family with 5 siblings it's a race to the snacks like lives depend on it.

Also I've spent 9 years in prison.

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

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Everyone deserves a nice, hard fucking....

At least, that's what I was brought up to believe.

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?

Nuttin'

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

A $100 bill

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

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Not exactly for everyone

Elderly couple go to a sex therapist. The guy says, “We have a problem. We don’t think we can do it right. Can you advise?”

The therapist says she will watch them make love on his couch and advise them. When they have finished she says, “You both did very well; there was no problem, really...

Everyone has imaginary friends during their childhood.

My grandmother, although very old, still has one.
She calls him Jesus.

What’s the name of the colonel that keeps brushing everyone’s teeth?

Col. Gate

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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This is for everyone who has 20 20 vision

Why the FUCK didn’t any of y’all warn us about corona

Sorry everyone,

Today’s session on dealing with disappointment has been cancelled.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

Doctor, everyone's ignoring me!

"Sharon, please send in my next patient."

Everyone's too afraid to say it... but 13yo is the prime age

other prime ages are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, ...

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island

shouting and desperately waving his hands."Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?""I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

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To everyone who received photo of my penis!!!

I've been hacked! So there will be no mailings this and next week, sorry

Everyone says the other side is the devil, but why wasn't actual Baphometh on the ballot?

Turns out, Spoonerists' "vet out the goat" campaign was a success.

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This joke is popular with lebanese people, idk if everyone will find it funny but here we go

Mr. Abed and Mrs. Abed recently moved to a new building on the first floor. They were very happy they moved to a better area, but little did they know there was a man living in the second floor who plays the violin. At night when they went to sleep, the man started playing the violin and it was beau...

My sister is so dumb, she tells everyone she is bipolar

Because she is working at two different strip clubs.

What happens when everyone gets together at Thanksgiving during the pandemic?

You get the coronacopia.

Hey! Everyone here at r/Jokes is invited to my party celebrating me making my final mortgage payment!

Don't get me wrong -- I still owe like $190,000, but I'm just not going to pay anymore.

My six fingered friend doesn't understand why everyone else is okay with only having 5 fingers.

He feels that it's an odd number.

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Why do everyone hate lazy people

I mean we didn’t do anything

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I always wanted to make a joke that would make everyone laugh their asses off.

But then I realised that if I did do that, I would have to pay for all of the ass reattachment surgeries.

Everyone is looking forward to the end of this year...

But I will not be happy in that 2020 won...

Supervisor told everyone at the meeting "make sure your costumes are tasteful, and appropriate."

Im dressing up as seasoning

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

What did the whale say to scare everyone

Ooga Beluga

The censorship is getting out of hand, they're banning everyone named Anna!

This is banannas!

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

Everyone cheered when Hercules cleaned the Aegean Stables.

Everyone except the people living downstream.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

I didn't steal this joke. This is *OUR* joke.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

Everyone in Georgia loves a good peach.

Apparently they don’t like oranges as much.

Everyone always jumps aboard with a joke of their own in the comments because they think they are more funny.

Guess we could call it the one upman ship.

Why did everyone want the truck on their tug-of-war team?

Because it had a ton of pulling force

What did everyone think of the Challenger documentary on Netflix?

I only saw bits and pieces.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C. Everyone said he was crazy..

..But he was 0K

Everyone’s talkin about these mail ballots...

but what about the femail ballots?

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Everyone loves petting a dog when they're sad

But you ask one crying girl to scratch your ass for you and suddenly you're the bad guy.

Why did the fun guy tell everyone to get away from him?

Because they weren't leaving him mushroom to move around.

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

Everyone is a good example

Some are just a good bad example.

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what...

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

How did everyone know Kurt Cobain had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders behind the couch.

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

Everyone argues over writing dates 2 October or October 2, either way

10/2 your own damn business.

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." said ...

According to Seal Team 6, Bin Laden wasn’t as bad as everyone thought

They said he became “open-minded”once they got involved

My girlfriend is telling everyone that I am an astronaut.

I knew shouldn’t have said that I needed some space.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

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TIFU by sending a dick pic to everyone in my address book...

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

Everyone should be able to grasp the concept that COVID-19 spreads quickly.

Even the president gets it.

Why is everyone saying #notallmen?

What have tall men done to them?

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I had enough, fuck everyone who doesn't like me.

Damn, that's gonna be a lot of sex.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

What do you call a parade where everyone wears masks?

A mask-arade

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

My wife said I was getting lucky tonight and I could tell everyone on Reddit.

I wish she said I could post it in a different sub.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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My ex wife left me because I was banging prostitutes behind her back. When she found out, she told everyone I was a sex addict. She was 100% wrong, though.

I fucked all those prostitutes raw. That makes me a gambling addict.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

I had a refrigerator that insults everyone.

Instead of keeping things cold it just burns everyone.

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

A person, unmasked, goes to a restaurant and asks, "I want to be seated away from everyone as much as possible."

The host replies, "Here's a to-go menu to help place your order."

Why does everyone hate r/aww babies?

I mean I like mine cooked too but I'm curious...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Nobody is laughing now.

everyone wears crosses and I just feel like

y'know, maybe Jesus doesn’t like crosses, all things considered

The lisp magician gives everyone a chocolate bar

Apparently he still had a few twix up his sleeves.

Why does everyone always drink too much at tree weddings?

Because seeing family reminds them of their roots

M: in the orchestra, there is a place for everyone.

F: What if they are completely tone deaf.

M: Easy, give them 2 sticks and put them in back with the kettles.

F: But what if they have no sense of rhythm?

M: Even easier, take away one stick and make them stand in the front.

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In a little village in africa everyone is black except the pastor who's white

One day one of the black man becomes a father. It's a beautiful son but there is a problem : the baby is white. So the black man being super pissed goes and see the pastor accusing him to have a relationship with his wife.

The pastor then says :

'You know my son there is a lot of mist...

What was the name of King Arthur's faithful sidekick who would go through the castle in the evening reading stories and tucking everyone else into bed?

Knighty Knight

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

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In a world where everyone wears their title, a shit-head decided he’d had enough.

He wanted to be more than what he was, but nobody would hire a shit-head.

One day he was in the building of a large corporation, and saw his opportunity. “If I remove the shit from my title, people will think I’m in charge.” He got to work pulling the letters off, one at a time, until they we...

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

Everyone's talking about Trump having Covid-19, but what if Mrs. Hicks' condition doesn't allow her to support his campaign?

That would be pretty hopeless.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

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Johnny's mother receives a call from the school principal, informing her he is being sent home for pissing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that", she protests...

The principal replies, "not from the top of the bloody diving tower!"

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

My personal trainer told me how to lose weight just by not sitting, but he says it doesn't work for everyone.

I dunno about you, but I can stand to lose a few pounds.

A man wakes up in a hospital and is told by a doctor "I'm sorry, but while you were in a coma everyone that ever loved you died..."

"...Your mother will be here to pick you up shortly."

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts...

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted back, “I do, in fact, I know the entire alphabet!” Everyone in the bar laughed and laughed...

Well, all except for one guy...

Everyone is worried about which candidate will win the US presidential election. I'm more worried about the one that loses.

They're the one that will be allowed to drive.

Today, my teacher told everyone how annoying they are

She was in the staff break room

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Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.

"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good mor...

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank......

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.

This week everyone kept posting about "National Dog Day."

Gotta be honest... I can't tell the national dogs from the local ones.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

Teach a man a joke, he'll tell it too everyone,

But teach a man to copy & paste, he'll tell everyone's jokes.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them....

We are a very tight knit community.

Why does everyone love BTS?

I mean, a Bacon Tomato Sandwich doesnt sound that appetizing as a BLT

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Aliens are coming to take everyone with big dicks back to their home planet.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Everyone asks "What are you doing, step-bro?"

No one asks "How are you doing, step bro?"

A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

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What is everyones best yugo (shitty car) jokes?

My favorite joke is:

How do you double the value of your yugo?

Fill the tank with gas

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the d...

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If sex with 3 people is called threesome.

And sex with 4 people is called foursome.
I guess I understand now why everyone calls me handsome.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Trump is visiting a class

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my bes...

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once upon a time there was a village where everyone was named after letters of the Alphabet.

Also everyone referred to one another as "person".

"Hello person"
"How are you person"
Greetings, fellow person!"

and so on.


Anyways one day an outsider wanders into the village and he is being introduced to everyone by the village guide.

"This, is person A. Tha...

Everyone is saying that trump has had a lot of big strokes...

But they just look big because his hands are so tiny

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

Do you remember that party we had in Pompeii?

Yeah everyone was stoned

Whitehouse has a new slogan to encourage everyone to get back to work, school and boost the economy...

**!!No Lives Matter!!**

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