UPJOKE
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Everyone Jokes

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this pa...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

A chemist froze himself at -273.15 °C, everyone said he was crazy

He was 0K

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves

It's probably not tru-deau

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I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

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Everyone thinks I have a nice butt

When I walk by, I always hear people wisper under their breath, "what an ass!"

Same thing... right?

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen...

Drat! I meant to post this somewhere else!

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

I called Shotgun long before everyone else, but still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

For everyone saying he has risen

How about using spoiler alert. Some of us haven’t read the book yet.

why is everyone posting about 9/11?

It's still 2 months away.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein was a genius...

but his brother, Frank, was a real monster.

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

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I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me.

Not my fault they don't have Windows.

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

Everyone knows what the Big Apple is

But nobody knows what the...Minneapolis

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

Everyone in the autopsy club was super excited.

It was open Mike night.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Just a little math problem for everyone

You purchase a social media company for $45 billion. After you make a series of bad managerial decisions, your company loses a large portion of its ad revenue. What is the value of X?

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over?

Watch the second half.

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

Hello everyone 32 (F) here

It's freezing in here!

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

To everyone out there suffering from Paranoia

Just remember you're not alone

Why is everyone in New York depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora"

It means a lot

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic.

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

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Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.

A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whol...

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons...

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyway

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Everyone pees in the pool...

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

I'd like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of 'many'

it really means a lot

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

To everyone suffering from anxiety: you are not alone!

There's someone behind you.

A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

Everyone says there is vampires in my erea

The funny thing is I have been here for 500 years and I have never seen anything

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

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Everyone keeps calling my dog “he”

I’m like, “Bitch, please”

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Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their piss.

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

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joke everyone laughs at

A single old woman in her 70s was bored alone in her home so she decided to look for a husband, she put up posters saying "i want a husband in his 70s, doesn't cheat, won't hit me, and be good in bed." Two days later, the doorbell rings, the old woman opens a door and finds a grey haired man with no...

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Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds

For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite

But women have great tits.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Not everyone thinks that Cleopatra is beautiful...

... but that's the way Julius Caesar.

Not everyone gets a Handjob from their Barber

But not everyone cuts their own hair either.

[OC] Everyone talks about being an "Alpha Male"...

I definitely consider myself a Beta male, lots of fun features, but I don't always work correctly...

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

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Hi everyone, I’m selling my new book on reverse psychology.

It’s fucking terrible.

You know why everyone is so tired today?

Because we just finished a 31 day March!

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Everyone credits Pastors and Priests for spreading the gospel..

But no on seems to appreciate the stunning amount of missionary work done by porn stars..

Father’s Day PSA — Not everyone appreciates Dad Jokes

They’re only for the groan, man.

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

It is Wednesday, February 15th 2023. Happy Humpday everyone.

Opps, my bad... humpday was February 14th, wasn't it?

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

Everyone knows Al Pacino, the famous Hollywood icon.

No one talks about his brother Cap, who invented delicious Italian coffee.

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some people just don’t have film.

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Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.

But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.

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The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

Before you say "Tesla" backwards, make sure everyone's ready.

All set?

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What do you call a prostitute that blabs on everyone?

A hotel.

Why does everyone in the MCU wear wrinkled shirts?

Because they lost their Iron, Man.

Everyone on reddit......

"I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible. Because I am an eighth-theist."

Everyone has a different view about life. I’m a solipsist.

But that’s just me.

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Everyone needs a reliable DD

A man pulls out of the parking lot of a busy Bar at closing time, he begins to swerve and drive eratic. The officer that was parked across the street turned his lights on and pulls him over.. At this time more cars began to leave and everyone who passed honked and waved. The officer paid it no atte...

What do you call it when everyone spins round once?

A communist revolution.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Everyone wants to be an alchemist…

…until things change

I threw a party and everyone came

It's been two years and the walls are still sticky.

Everyone in the US is choosing sides right now

I choose inside.

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A donkey walks into a bar, and everyone cheers. Why?

Because if he had passed it he would have been a bad ass lawyer

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you don’t see.

Attack now, while they’re distracted.

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

a Christian walks into a bar. how do we know? he told everyone.

an atheist walks into the bar right after. how do we know? he told the Christian.

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

why isn't everyone just making their own soap?

It's really basic

Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn't be a musician.

But did he listen?

I don’t know where to park my boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

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I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

Clickbait

I wanted to wish everyone here a happy Spanksgiving...

...but that would have been quite cheeky of me.

Why is everyone surprised at Hasbro’s recent behaviour?

They’ve been creating Monopolys for 32 years now.

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My asshole of a boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work.

“John, you’re a fucking croupier!”

Everyone has heard of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem...

...but nobody has heard of the Goliath Hotel, even though it is much larger and only a stone's throw away.

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

What's the difference between everyone and bullets?

Everyone misses Harambe

If I had a dollar everyone called me handsome...

I'd have a dollar.

Thanks mom =(

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