Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

Read the following out loud...

Alpha Kenny Body

Say "rise up lights" out loud.

Congratulations, you have just said "razor blades" in Australian.

What do you call a loud person from Chicago?

Illinoisey

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

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Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn.

“What the heck was that?”
“Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.”
“Wow! They know how to treat their help!”

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

A Roman centurion, in a noisy saloon, walks up to the bartender holding up two fingers and says loudly

"5 beers please".

Say addicted out loud after each sentence

What are you if you have too many drugs:


What are you if you have too much alcohol:

What hit you in the face last night:

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

What do you call a loud annoying bee?

Cardi Bee

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

*loud thud*

Mom: What was that sound?

Me: Nothing, just dropped my shirt

Mom: That's ridiculous! A shirt doesn't sound like that!

Me: *I was wearing the shirt*

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

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A mother is cleaning the kitchen when her son calls her loudly for help.

- MOM! COME OVER HERE!

The mother replies: "I'm busy, if you need something, then *you* come over here.

The boy goes to the kitchen with his feet all dirty and says: "I stepped on the dog's shit. Where do I clean my feet now?"

Son - Mom, I dont feel like going to school today. The kids are too loud, unruly and mean.

Mom - Remember now, you are the headmaster of the school.

Why are Americans so loud?

Cause king George wouldn't listen

What's loud and sounds like an apple?

AN APPLE.

As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Apparently I snore so loudly

that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

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I'm sick of people speeding through my residential neighbourhood in their obnoxiously loud tricked-out vehicles

Fucking ambulances

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

Saw a radio for sale today that said the volume was stuck on loud.

Like damn, I can’t turn that down

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time?

I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud.

Mr. Peterson walks into Cheers, and gets his usual greeting, which is everyone in the bar loudly shouting his first name.

It was funny the first few times, but after that, it became the norm.

I tried eating with one of my war buddies, but he chewed so loudly.

It was like, 'Nam 'Nam 'Nam...

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

I absolutely despise loud music





It's going to be the deaf of me

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

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[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

What makes a loud noise when it flies 9.46x10^12 km annually?

Buzz lightyear

A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"

The kid replies "where are all the clowns that yo...

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Man and a woman on the beach [maybe NSFW]

There is the man walking down a stretch of beach, then suddenly he hears this loud crying.

He checks it out and sees this girl with no arms and no legs on the sand. The man then asks her why she is crying and she then says: "Because I've had no arms and no legs for so long, I've never been hu...

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

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