The 131+ Best Loud Jokes

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to

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A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar from outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch ...

Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

What is black and screams real loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.

Now I know how Canada feels.

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A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...”

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the m...

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Did you know it’s illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii?

When you’re there you gotta keep it to a lo ha.

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

I heard a loud cry in the ocean

Must've been a wail

A nun is shopping for groceries. She is pushing a stroller with a baby that is crying loudly.

As she passes by the church, a priest spots her and asks sternly: “What do we have here? A little monastery secret?”

“No, Father”, answers the nun, “it’s a cardinal error.”

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

My girlfriend is so loud and bulimic….

I’m always telling her to “keep it down”

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly...

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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Loud Mick

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

What do you call when a person annoys people with loud music?

A deaf wish

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...

It's very rare that I laugh out loud when reading a joke, I had to share this...

Last fall, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge…So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, an...

(Got to say this out loud) Knock knock...

- Who's there?

- I eat map

- I eat map who?

- Ewwww (etc, etc)

This is posted on behalf of our seven year old. It's his favourite joke.

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My new loud exhaust pipe

Before buying my new loud exhaust pipe, I was secretly ashamed of how little sex I was having. But now that's no longer a secret.

Heard a loud thud from the bathroom…

Me: Are you ok?
GF: All good. Dropped my pajamas
Me: That was pretty loud though!
GF: I was in them

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

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My wife moans loudly during sex

I can hear her all the way from the bar.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

What is fast, loud and crunchy?

A rocket chip.

An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.

"Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon!" said one of the boys.

"That's nothing!" said the other boy. "This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking!"

"What are you two whippersnappers doing?" asked the old man.

"We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk," ...

Did you hear they just passed a law that you aren’t aloud to laugh out loud in Hawaii?

They only allow A low ha

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

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My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

“Your music is turned up way too loud!”

they used to tell me.

But I haven’t heard that for a long time.

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

“LOL stands for laugh out loud and BRB stands for be right back but what does IDK stand for?”

“I don’t know”

“Alright fine I’ll ask somebody else.”

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

My upstairs neighbor was yelling so loudly at her daughter...

...that I cleaned my room too and put on my pajamas.

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.

McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she ...

READ THIS OUT LOUD!

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now please go back to the top, read it again, but only the third...

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A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

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A bartender said loudly, "Look at this fine piece of shit that just rolled in."

"Thank you," replied the dung beetle.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

I hate loudly eating children!

Everyone stares at me when I am doing it.

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

What is white, loud, and ruins your scrambled egg?

An avalanche.

Look down your shirt and spell ‘attic’ out loud

Hehehe..

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

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I know I masturbate loudly, but that’s just the person I am.

And if you don’t like it, go find another KFC.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

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I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Be fucking quiet, I'm trying to film a movie here!

Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud?

They just give aloha!

Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

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A guy walks into a bar with a gun and asks out loud "who had sex with my wife!?"

A voice up the back said, "you don't have enough bullets!"

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A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

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Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud.

One genuine dad joke for your amusement!

Best read out loud

I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud banging on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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Two Italian men are talking loudly on a bus

One is telling the other one, "First Emma come. Then I come. Then two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Then the two asses, they come again. Then I peepee. Then I come one last time."

An old lady sitting next to them turns and exclaims, "Excuse me, but nobody else on this bus want...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

My new neighbours listen to Metallica really loud all hours of the night!

I mean, they may not want to, but they do.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

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A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases.

Though he got off on a technicality.

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A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First blowjob!"

The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me."

The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know wh...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!

 

 

 

### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

Bf took me to get undies and he wanted to embarass me and he said real loud

"I can't wait to rip these off with my teeth" then I replied with : "seriously you need to stop, you're my brother." And i won.

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

A while ago, my friend told me to not listen to music too loud.

Haven’t heard from that guy since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door

He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says,
"hello officer, what can I do for you?" the officer says,
"I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia," frantically, the man replies,
"Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be ju...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Read the following out loud...

Alpha Kenny Body

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Kasparov beat Carlsen I cheered so loud I nearly lost my voice.

Now I’m a hoarse chess nut.

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