UPJOKE
thunderousnoisyaudibleloudlyaloudgaudydeafeningblaringshoutedsoundraucousshrillnoisegarishtacky

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

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A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”...

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.

Now I know how Canada feels.

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

What is black and screams real loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

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My new loud exhaust pipe

Before buying my new loud exhaust pipe, I was secretly ashamed of how little sex I was having. But now that's no longer a secret.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

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A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

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My wife moans loudly during sex

I can hear her all the way from the bar.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.

"Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon!" said one of the boys.

"That's nothing!" said the other boy. "This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking!"

"What are you two whippersnappers doing?" asked the old man.

"We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk," ...

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

(Got to say this out loud) Knock knock...

- Who's there?

- I eat map

- I eat map who?

- Ewwww (etc, etc)


This is posted on behalf of our seven year old. It's his favourite joke.

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Loud Mick

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with...

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly...

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

What is fast, loud and crunchy?

A rocket chip.

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in...

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm st...

My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

Did you hear they just passed a law that you aren’t aloud to laugh out loud in Hawaii?

They only allow A low ha

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

After a tiring day

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman that was sitting next to him pulled out her phone.

When she pulled out her phone, she started talking to someone in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's me, I'm on...

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

A bereaved widow goes to view her husband's body in the mortuary....

The mortuary assistant opens the casket, and bows his head solemnly. Upon seeing her husband, the widow starts crying huge tears and wailing loudly. The assistant quickly moves to comfort her.

Still wailing, the widow explains that she can't bear to see her husband wearing a suit. In life he ...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

Move

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game.

The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.

So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), “I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics livin...

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Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

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A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

“Your music is turned up way too loud!”

they used to tell me.

But I haven’t heard that for a long time.

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woman's new perfume

A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy’s Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.



All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart.



Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a lon...

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

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Just for Bieber

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" s...

A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….

After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple’s 5yo. “Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?”
The child thinks a second and replies, “Go...

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The lore of a genie atop a cliff prompts three friends to climb up.

As they climb, they discuss their wishes.

Dick wants to become a famous musician and travel the world.

Harry wants fabulous wealth and a long healthy life.

Tom wants to be a bird and fly to Mexico.

As he reaches the top, Tom sees the magic lamp first and scrambles to pic...

Knight vs Dragon

A knight goes into a cave to fight the big bad three-headed dragon. He goes inside and after one hour, he comes out with the first head, shouting out loud:

\-One for me, zero for the dragon!!!

Then he goes back into the cave and he, again with another head, comes out screaming:

...

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

Two Hunters and a Goat

Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.

“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?” The other shrugs.

The first hunter looks around and finds a stick,...

The boys got onto their bike.

A cop pulled them over and said, “Three people on a single bike. Against the rules. Gonna charge you”.

Then the third boy nearly cried and said loudly,”Bob and Carl might have fallen off on our way here!”

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

I hate loudly eating children!

Everyone stares at me when I am doing it.

My upstairs neighbor was yelling so loudly at her daughter...

...that I cleaned my room too and put on my pajamas.

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

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The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

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Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

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Bathroom

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the reveler...

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A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

The atheist and the bear

One day, an atheist man was walking through the woods. He was a proud atheist, never skipping the opportunity to mock those of faith for their ignorance and blindness to reality. He was enjoying his stroll through nature.
All of a sudden, there was a loud crashing behind him. He turned to look an...

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Grandfather of the year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

\- "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Anothe...

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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Perspective

Three children are playing football in a park. Out of nowhere a large dog runs over to the group and attacks one of them unprovoked.

One of the other children tries to help his friend and kicks the dog in the head, killing it instantly.

A reporter who happened to be passing comes racin...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

A German a French and an English man crash with their plane on an island.

Immediately they start to explore the island and encounter a native tribe.

The chieftain of the tribe commands everyone of those 3 to get into the jungle and gather 2 different kinds of fruits, otherwise he has to banish them from the island.

First the English man arrives back at the c...

a man was driving his Tesla when

an old truck forced him to stop

after greetings, the truck driver suggested that they swap their cars

"are you out of your mind, who would ever want to swap a new beautiful eco-friendly Tesla with a loud old smoking truck ?"

"you don't und...

Two Rabbis are having lunch together…

The first one says “You won’t believe the terrible thing that’s happened! My son, he left home and became a Christian!”

The other Rabbi says “It’s funny you should mention this! My son, he also left home and now is Christian!”

They can’t believe the exact same thing has happened to bo...

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

An agricultural inspector goes to a farm to carry out field tests and inspections.

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s...

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That's love... A man goes out drinking with his buddies on Saturday.

The other morning he wakes up in his bed, breakfast is waiting next to him, his clothes are neatly folded over the chair.

When his wife comes into the bedroom with a beaming smile carrying freshly brewed coffee, he says, "Honey, I don't remember anything from yesterday. But obviously I was no...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

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My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

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Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

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Probably been here before, but I heard this one at summer camp

The old man who lives in the tall bell tower needed someone to help him with ringing the bell, as he was getting too old.

The first person who arrived was like the old man and was not strong enough to produce a loud sound with the bell.

The second person who showed up was a boy who had...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny’s teacher announces to the class, “For today’s exercise, I will go through the alphabet and for each letter, select a student to share a word that begins with that letter.”

She scans the class and begins, “The first letter is A.”

Several students raise their hands, includ...

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

I got caught peeing in a pool today.

The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in!

What is white, loud, and ruins your scrambled egg?

An avalanche.

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

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A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...”

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the m...

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Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

Man comes out of the bathroom at work…

After a loud session of diarrhea, “sounds like you had a rough time in there.” a slightly embarrassed coworker commented. “No it was a blast” the man responded.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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