Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Came home from work and my wife is crying.

What is it, honey?

She said I knew you'd be tired, so I baked you you're favorite, a cherry pie. But the dog ate it.

That's okay, dear. I'll buy you a new dog.

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

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A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.


The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her cryin...

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

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Me: there’s too much crying in this episode of Naked and Afraid

Girlfriend: this is our sex tape..

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I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking.

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

Why was the anti-vaxxers 3 year old crying?

Mid-life crisis.

What do you do when your Xbox is crying?

You console it.

“Officer, why are you crying and writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Because....it’s a moving violation.

One day my sister was crying

You could really call it a crisis

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Why is the little fly crying?

Because her mother eats shit for a living.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

What do you call it when an unvaccinated 2 year old starts crying?

A midlife crisis.

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

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A friend of mine told me a really sad story about a time when he was crying and masturbating at the same time.

It was a real tear-jerker.

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I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.




How do you make the baby stop crying?

*Drop it again*

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

A little girl crying goes to see her dad

- Daddy ! Everyone one at school is making fun of me because of my big mouth !
Her dad: Don’t worry, it’s nothing ! Now take your shovel and eat your soup !

A man saw a boy sitting on the curb, crying.

He said "Why are you sad, little boy?"

Kid said "I lost my harmonica." The kind man then gave the sullen boy a razor blade, which the boy happily started playing on, and his smile just grew wider and wider.

My wife has been crying for 3 days;

Her boyfriend dumped her

What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

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A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"

"My father just passed away," the boy replied.

"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"

"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

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Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug. The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed her, but she start...

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

Saw a guy in an AA van crying his eyes out today

I thought, he’s having a breakdown

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I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job man, I fucking hate it."

The other day I saw a girl crying so I tried to help...

Turns out asking if she was crying because of her haircut is not an effective way of consoling someone

Zeus walks into a bar, crying.

The bartender asks, "Child support again?"

Why was 10 crying?

He was right in the middle of 9/11

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A girl started crying after I told her a joke

I said that if she was a rapper, her name would be lil boobies.

Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

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After a big accident, Dave was crying "O God! I have lost my left hand?"

John: Oh, Stop crying! grow a clit will ya! See that man he has lost his head, do you see him moping?

“Well, why are you crying?” - Fairy asked.

"Because everything is oooov... is oooov.... is over!"

Cinderella wept so violently that she could barely speak. And, even more so, to listen. Fairy decided to wait. Let the goddaughter calm down a bit.

A few minutes later, Cinderella blew her nose in the apron and said almost calmly...

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A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

he's just going through a rough patch!

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

Why were the classified documents crying?

They had very sensitive information.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

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A son goes crying to his mom..

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

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A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely

"I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. "My wifes been sleeping with someone else." He explained.

The bartender, in shock replied "I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."

"Fine." The crying man replied. He retur...

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

Why was the ink drop crying?

Because his mom was in the pen and didn’t know how long the sentence was.

A horse is crying because it lost the Melbourne Cup.

The horse’s friend says “don’t put yourself down over it!”

i see my boyfriend crying one day

I ask him whats wrong. he replies, “the world is flat!” “no it’s not silly,” i say, to try to comfort him. “but you’re my world”

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A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.



The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?



Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.



Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason ...

I found my dad crying. He said he was chopping Onions

Onions was our dog

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