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A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly...

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

I passed a tow truck and the poor driver was crying his eyes out.

I thought "He's headed for a breakdown"

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Why Was the Anti-Vaxxer’s Baby Crying?

It Was Having a Mid-Life Crisis.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

My wife tried to kill herself last night. I heard noise coming from the garage in the middle of the night so I went to check it out. The car was running with the garage door closed, and she was in the driver's seat crying hard.

This is the last time I buy a Tesla.

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her, "Where are your parents?", and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

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A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline.

He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

She says, "I've never been hugged before."

The man hugs her, says, "There, now you've been hugged," and leaves.

The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He walk...

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I saw an old man sitting on a park bench, crying

He looked and sounded miserable. I stopped and asked him what's wrong.

He said, "I'm 75 years old.

I said, "Yeah?"

He said, "I'm extremely wealthy"

I said, "Yeah?"

He said, "I'm married to a 25 year old super model who actually loves me and isn't just in it for the...

A: Why are you crying?

B: I don't know the other spellings of 'there'!

A: Aww, their, they're.

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

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A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

i started crying when dad was cutting onions...

onions was such a good dog.

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

I walked out of a goodwill store one time and found this woman crying.

She had just lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found.

What do you say when your English teacher is crying?

"There, their, they're".

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"

Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"

Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"

Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

My son came up to me crying.

"Dad, I left my girlfriend because she was popping holes in my condom."

I frowned. "Sounds like you dodged a bullet there."

"Yeah, sort of," he replied.

"So, why the tears?"

He said, "I was wearing it at the time."

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

Dixie Kong ran up to Donkey Kong crying..

"What wrong?" asked Donkey Kong.

"Someone told me I could get bananas from a hornet's nest so I hit it and the hornets came out and chased me!" Dixie sobs.

"Sounds like you did a Diddy." says Donkey.

"A Diddy? What's that mean?" asks Dixie.

DK explains, "I'm sayin, 'Do a ...

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's ...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Some people say they cry when they cut up onions.

I find the secret to not crying is, don't form an emotional bond with them.

If you see someone crying, ask:

“Is it because of your haircut?”

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

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Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

My mother broke down crying when I gave the eulogy at my sister's funeral

I didn't think my ventriloquism was *that* bad

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Man gets home from work and finds his wife crying in the kitchen.

‘What’s wrong , honey? ‘ he asks all worried.

‘ I went to the doctor today and as he examined me he said I had a beautiful pussy ‘ his wife sobbed.

The man got angry and jumped into the car and drive to the Doctors surgery, he rushed into the office and grabbing the Doctor by the throa...

A short, but funny one

A 103 year old man lay dying in his hospital bed and asks his wife “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?

His wife crying uncontrollably answers “Yes”

He asks “Whose is it?”

His wife replies “Yours”

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying.......

.......and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her x-ray, I said don't speak to him just walk away.......

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park and crying his heart out

A passing cop stopped and asked, what happened?

Old man: I have a beautiful young wife. Every evening she cooks the most delicious meals and serves it in candle light and then we have a romantic night.

Cop: So, why are you crying?

Old man: Because, I have forgotten whe...

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife holding a crying baby in one arm screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house looks like a garbage can, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night clothes, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home? The hus...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

and when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was extremely sorrowful, I’ve never seen a guy could cry like that.

I took a glance at him, but he didn’t noticed, he just kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

So, I walked to him, and said, “Sorr...

Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the co...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

###

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.


"First, you must wear a diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees.


"What's the se...

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she ...

I was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying

Even the cake was in tiers

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rip gilbert gottfried

there's a family about to eat breakfast, a mom, a dad, and two little boys. the mom looks at one of the kids and asked him what he would like for
breakfast, he said "i would like the fucking french toast". the mom then started to slap him and the dad took of his belt and started beating him, they...

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his ey...

Three men at the pearly gates....

Three men have died and arrive together in the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first man "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man proudly answers "Not once in 40 years of marriage"

"You are a good man" St Peter tells him. "Here are the keys to your brand new Porsche. " He...

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What are Politics?

A young boy asks his father what politics are at the dinner table. His father responds with, "Well look at it this way son, I'm the president since I run the household. Your mother is the government since she pays the bills, the nanny is the working class since she works for me, and you and your lit...

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

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I heard a girl crying in my driveway, so I went out to ask her “Where are your parents?”

She said Fuck you Dad being adopted isn't funny.

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

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