Listening Jokes - 83 Hilarious Listening Jokes

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"

Strange way to start a conversation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele

She was Rolling in the Jeep.

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

What was the drunk driver listening to?

The Cars' Greatest Hits.

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed.

The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to quest...

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

What kind of paper likes listening to music?

Rapping paper

I was listening to a new Wagner movement yesterday.

Bit disappointing, it started with a bang but ended with a whimper.

I was listening to a joke about tinnitus but I could hear the punchline coming from a mile away.

Then I realized it was all in my head.

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?"

"K, pop."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you like listening to music whilst having sex

Listen to a live album, that way you'll get an applause every 3-4 minutes

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

Lena is listening to the news as she makes dinner…

It’s rush hour around St. Paul and she knows Ole will be on his way home from the office. As she’s putting things in the oven, she hears a story about a car going the wrong way on the interstate! She immediately calls Ole to let him know he needs to be careful.

“Ole, are you headed home soon?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

A corn farmer asked his field "are you listening?"

To which the field responded "I'm all ears"

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I’ll never hear the end of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just finished listening to a country album backwards.

I got my dog, my truck, and my wife back.

Why do women do all the talking and men do all the listening?

Woman have 4 lips and men have 2 heads

Most people don't enjoy listening to Jimmy Eat World right away

It just takes some time

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who is aroused by going to courthouses and listening to verdicts is eventually arrested for masturbating during a public trial

They tried him, and he got off on a technicality

Just been listening to Ghislaine Maxwell's favourite band.

Scouting For Girls.

Twenty years from now, kids listening to "Baby it's cold outside" are gonna find it really, really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood in the context of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

I was listening to music, and it suddenly stopped.

Spotty-Fi.

I can't stop listening to Daft Punk.

Just One More Time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

A man is listening to his daughter pray one night.

The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray a...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

I was listening to the orchestra but I had to turn off the radio...

There was too much sax and violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

What disorder can you get listening to kpop?

BTSD

A new study indicates that listening to albums by the band Queen might be bad for your health.

They have a high Mercury content!

Why does listening to One Direction make people age more quickly?

It makes you go see Niall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

Couldn't sleep at all last night, just lay there listening to my wife's nose whistle.

Really wish she'd practice it somewhere else.

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier today I saw a highways worker doing nothing but gossiping whilst drinking cordial and listening to Glen Campbell.

Just seen him again, and that bitchy tarred roadman is still on the lime!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

No one is listening

until you fart.

A student sits in class, eagerly listening to the lecture.

Next to him, a classmate who is twiddling his thumbs and spinning a pencil.

The teacher finishes the lesson and asks the students to copy the board.

Soon enough, the teacher walks over to the eager student and asks what he’s doing, as he isn’t writing.

Twiddling his thumbs and ...

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

I was listening to Wonderwall and my mum told me to turn it off

I said maybe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”

And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

All women complain about husbands not listening

I am lucky! My wife never says that to me.

In the Garden of Eden, why didn’t Eve want Adam listening to her while she went to the restroom?

Because eavesdropping.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book.

Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

My Daughter and I were listening to the radio.

She asked me, “Is this The Weeknd?”. I said “No, today it’s only Wednesday”.

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

I hate listening to anesthesiologists tell stories.

They always put me to sleep

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:

God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

A man was listening to the radio while driving home.

There was a report warning about someone who was going the wrong way on the highway.

The man said to himself, swerving: “There isn’t just one!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

My mom died on the weekend while listening to celtic music.

She had an enyarism.

Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...

... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

My new neighbors are listening to Slayer all day long

They don't seem to like it much, but I'm sure they'll come around eventually.

My girl asked if I will ever stop listening to Oasis

I said maybe...

I think we need to stop listening to scientists. They’ve been wrong about a fundamental topic...

...that you need a brain to survive. Look at Trump, he’s living proof that you don't.

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