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Confused Jokes

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.
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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...
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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25. (Yes, I realize I'm a day late on this, so sue me).
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Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his Daddy was a Mummy.
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I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.
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The Confused Owner of Two Horses

He had two horses, but every time he had to deal with them, he always mixed them up, so he never knew which one got fed or the one that needed to be groomed.

While talking to a bunch of his friends, someone suggested that he could measure both horses to tell them apart. When he got back...
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NSFW I got confused between the difference between oral and anal

You can imagine my horror when we got told to do a French oral presentation for GCSE

Why are baby ants confused?

Because all their uncles are ants.
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My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?
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As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
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Did you hear about the confused homosexual?

He couldn't think straight.

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Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex." She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple. When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."

The hu...

Confused husband

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long s...
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I got "poltergeist" and "zeitgeist" confused

And now disco is undead
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch,

Yeti never complains.
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I'm not sure what confused the mailman more...

the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
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Confused

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make abso...

What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists?

The ¿Qué Qué Qué?
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I hate when people confused etymology and entomology.

In a word, it bugs me.
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I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.
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Don't get confused between the testes and the urethra

There's a vas deferens between them
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I was confused as to why my interviewer gave me a blank stare when I told her my best quality was my flexibility..

I guess she's never seen a man put both his legs behind his head before.
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A guy walks into a juice bar, looks around confused, and walks back out.

There was no punch line.
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At first I was confused when my boss told me to go get the Geiger counter…

…but then it clicked.
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A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master Shi, why do all chinese look the same?"

Then the Master replyed: "I am not master Shi."
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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I was confused when my printer started making music

Until i realized the paper was... jamming.
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The first time I heard about Neo Nazis, I was confused because of The Matrix

I was like, "There's no way Neo could be a Nazi! He lives in a place called Zion and most of his friends are black!"

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An old Englishman was very confused by what his loner teenage son had done

His son had made a 70s style carpet out of raven corpses. He confronted his son, who replied “sorry dad, thought you meant this when you said I should go out and shag some birds.”

Confused Girl

Girl: Excuse me, where do you get those- Gold Necklaces with the “t” on it?

Man: That’s a Cross

Girl: Across from Where?
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What does a confused hitler say?

What the heil is going on

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...
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I'm still confused what Pride Month is all about...

I tried googling for it but couldn't get a straight answer.
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An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...
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A mildly perceptive man is confused for being psychic

One day a man was bored and decided to see if he could trick people into thinking he was psychic.

He setup a booth on a busy street with a sign. "$1 to read your mind."



His first customer, a slightly chubby man, looked skeptical.

"Ok, tell me something about me."

...
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I was confused the other day when someone told me I can make ice cubes with left over wine.

What the fuck is "left over wine"?

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

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I’m so confused

I was writing my wife a sexy love poem and she criticized me for the way I spelled vadgina. She never complained about me putting a D in there before.

How do you get an r/jokes redditor confused?

loading...
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I decided to celebrate pride month but I got confused.

What the hell am I going to do with 15 lions?
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Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.
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When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”
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Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.
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A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...
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The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...
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Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

I once met a girl who had confused Krazy Glue for KY Jelly.

I asked her how she did it, but sadly, her lips were sealed.
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Confused man sees a psychiatrist

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm a teepee. No wait, I'm a wigwam. No, I'm definitely a teepee. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm a wigwam. Nah, I'm for sure a teepee. But actually, I'm 100% certain I'm a wigw-...."
"Stop, stop. Just stop right there, I already know wh...
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How do you make an idiot confused

24
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Knock knock. Who's there? Confused chicken. Confused chicken who?

Moo
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After unsuccessfully trying to post here, I finally gave up and messaged the mods asking what the deal was. They sent me back pictures of flutes, trombones, trumpets, tubas and cymbals. Confused, I asked what that meant. They answered...

Your band!
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I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.
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Why were the Egyptian children confused?

Because their daddies were mummies.
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If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

I’m confused.

Do I need a mask or a brick to enter a store?
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What do you call a sexually confused chimp

Bi-curious george

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.
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My wife just said to me, you're an eight on a scale of ten.

I'm confused why did she ask me to Urinate on a Skeleton?
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Hitler dies and goes to the gates of hell...

St. Peter is waiting for him, staring at him, judging him.

Hitler breaks the silence and asks:"Where am I?"

A bit frustrated, St. Peter responds:"Hell, Hitler."

Confused, Hitler asks again:"Ja, ja, Heil Hitler, but where am I?"

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?
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A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...
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I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving

Now I'm in trouble with the U.S. Army.
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Why are poor people so confused?

Because they don’t have any cents.
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MY gf said we where breaking up , i was confused

Then i went out and the signal was lot clearer
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A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"
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You know, something that really confused me

Was that my toaster was surprisingly waterproof
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When they say '2% milk' I get confused

I don't know what the other 98% is!
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants.

(Credit to my nine year old son)
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As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father

I mean, it's a little apparent.
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I'm still a little confused about NNN.

It's been almost a year now and they still haven't grown back.
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When people talk about the "average citizen" I always get confused.

Is that normal?
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Elevator confusion

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator together and it stops to let a man on. The man is wearing a business suit and has obvious dandruff flakes on both shoulders. He says hello and gets out on the next floor. The women continue to ride in awkward silence when the brunette speaks up. She says, "...
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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

The male organ is confused.

It doesn't know whether it's coming or going.
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