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Heard Jokes

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I heard the grim reaper is bisexual…

Apparently, Death comes for us all.

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

what is Amber Heard's favorite board game?

**SCATAGORIE**

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

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I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

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What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

Linda and Martha are talking. "Have you heard of the Bechdel Test?" asks Linda.

"Yes," answers Martha. "My boyfriend told me about it."

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

Have you heard of Y2K jelly?

It allows you to insert four digits into your date where you could previously only fit two.

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Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

I heard the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people in nearby Abu Dhabi do

A joke about Wehrner Von Braun I heard years ago

Apparently Wehrner Von Braun used to play truant from school a lot when he was younger to work on experiments with rockets. His mother once said to him "Wehrner, you keep missing school!" Wehrner said "Yes, but only by a few miles!"

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

You ever heard of silent tennis?

It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

"Doc, I think I have a tapeworm"

The doctor looks at him and says

"Well, we're all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat"...

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

Have you heard Elon Musk no longer owns Twitter?

He’s now the X owner

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to deter gents.

Just heard a demon was arrested......

They got him for possession..

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

If Will Smith, Amber Heard, and Chris Brown formed a band, what would its name be?

The Heavy Hitters.

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

Have you heard the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes, you have.

You've all heard the first headline, but not the second...

A pun walks into a bar and kills ten people.
Headline reads “Pun in, ten dead”.
Pun is tracked to a hideout in the woods and perishes in a shoot out with police.
Headline reads “Pun in tent dead”.

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Not my joke, but I've only heard it in brazilian portuguese (I'm brazilian)

Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"

My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip...

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

You thought the last couple jokes you heard were bad?

Well, this Fibonacci joke is worse than the last two combined.

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

never heard this before

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who ?

DISH IS SEAN CONNERY

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

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I heard there was a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris

I couldn’t find it.

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

I heard they're not letting Eminem get fully vaccinated.

They told him "you only get one shot."

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

My dad asked me if I heard about this movie called Constipation…

Dad “It never came out.”

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

Have you heard the joke about paper? It’s terrible. Have you heard the joke about prostitution?…

It’s horrible…

Have you heard the joke about gaslighting?

Because I think you have. No, seriously.

A Joke I Heard On YouTube

A man goes to his rabbi & says "Rabbi, You'll never believe what happened to me. My son has become a Christian.

The rabbi replies "Hyram, YOU'LL never believe what happened to ME. MY son also, has become a Christian. I'm not sure how to help you."

The man says "Well, should we ask...

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Have you guys heard about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

I heard a great joke about elevators

It works on many levels

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

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I heard how great VR porn is, and how immersive it is. So decided to check it out.

And it’s true. I completely forgot I was at Starbucks.

Heard of the rubber airplane?

It was a Boing 747.

I heard 9/10 Redditors are dumb...

I'm so glad to be part of the 1%

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

I always heard that the Navy separates the men from the boys

Turns out they use a crowbar

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

y’all ever heard any monorail jokes?

i hear they make good one-liners.

I heard France is replacing its ageing, deteriorating navy vessels

I guess French ships don’t always last forever

Heard about the alcoholic who lived in a haunted house?

They had a real problem with boos.

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As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blonde...

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

Have you heard of the leader of the bovine communist movement?

Cow Zedong, better known as Chairman Cow.

Great guy.

Had the most mooving speeches.

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

Have you heard about Pavlov's experiment?

Doesn't ring a bell.

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

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joke I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been posted (new to reddit)

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Ph...

I fell over, then heard a knock at my door.

I got up, but as I hurried to answer it, I fell again, this time face-first into the door. Peeling myself off it, I finally managed to get the door open. A man was there, and he said, "You need to come with me." I said, "No way!" before realizing I was now floating a foot off the ground. The man con...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Have you heard about giant with diarrhea?

Its all over town

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

Man 1: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?

Man 2: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.

I just heard Harry Belafonte died.

Wait, that's Day-o news.

(Before the onslaught of downvotes for disrespecting Mr. Belafonte, he was a truly talented and charismatic guy who made the world a better place. I just thought we needed a new joke once in a while.)

A factory manager in China heard about the 4 day work week

Loves it. Started making all his employees do it twice a week.

You've already heard the punchline.

What's the best thing about time traveling jokes?

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

Heard on WBLS 107.5 this morning

If someone has the Clap and goes to an Orgy where everyone gets it, would it then be called Applause?

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

I heard they’re making a mind controlled air freshener

It makes scents when you think about it

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

Have you heard about the GF that left her BF for a tractor salesman?

BF received a John Deere letter.

When my music teacher heard me sing, she said I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched Good Will Hunting Recently and heard this.

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the microphone, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know ...

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

I’ve heard that icy is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why.

Have you heard of this new pop-up restaurant called the Karma Chameleon?

It comes and goes.

Ever heard of Adolph the Brown-nosed reindeer?

His brakes don’t work

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making head lines.

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

I heard a loud cry in the ocean

Must've been a wail

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

Ever heard of the wizard with the poor sense of balance?

He only knows dizzy spells.

You've heard of/seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans...

But have you heard they are making a prequal trilogy?


They're doing it a little like Memento where each movie will be further back in time. So, for example the first prequal movie takes place right before the original, then the next before that, then the last one will start the whole thi...

Jesus heard that...

there was going to be a stoning at the edge of town, so he headed that way.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd goes silent.

Suddenly, a rock comes flying from the back of the crowd and BOOM, knocks out the offender.

Jesus waves his arm to part ...

Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.

Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

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