I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen...

Now that's just taking the piss.

What does a near-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

What does a sight-seeing, shapeshifter say when they're being held up at an airport?

"A little faster will ya, I've got places to see and people to be!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting. Watson has a buck in his sights, when holmes throws a rock near it, and, frightened, it runs away. "What the hell was that?!" He asks. Holmes looks at him for a second..

It sedimentary. My deer, Watson.

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

Why did the tree have bad eye sight?

It had a stickmatism

Why couldn’t the people with great eye sight warn us about this year

They are the ones with 2020 vision after all

As The White House suggests the peak could be in sight.

Scientists warn that in reality, Trump has several levels of stupidity to go yet.

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

What do far-sighted gynecologists and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

Russian Eye Sight Test

A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.

The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.

The doctor asked, "can you read them?"

Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

No one is making 2020 vision jokes anymore.

I guess they just lost sight of it.

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied,
'I know the guy.'

When I met my wife it was love at first sight!

I should've taken a second look before getting married. Sober this time.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

A kangaroo enters a bar in the middle of the outback

Everyone stares at him awkwardly, wondering how an animal could be lost to the point of entering a human home. The kangaroo jumps up to the bar and says :

"Hey, gimme a pint of beer."

The owner, confused by this sight, points at the beer taps :

"Er, which one ?"

"Gimme an...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

Ketchup can actually help you see!

They say Heinz sight is 20/20...

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Why did the partially sighted woman fall down a well?

Because she couldn't see that well

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

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My eye-doctor told me that poor sight can sometimes be attributed to excessive masturbation.

It was an optical allusion.

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There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call

Right then Zip jumped on the table,
Dick jumped in the teachers chair,
And Piss was punchin everyone in sight .
3 minutes later the teacher back in and said

Zip down,
Dick out,
and Piss in the corner

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Mike went to brothel with 5$ to ask for a woman

But matrone sent his home. "You will need more money that that, honey."

So Mike returns next day with 15 $. Matrone sights and send his to room 9. There is a goat standing next to a bed. But Mike didn't want to give his money away for nothing, so he went with it.

He show up again afte...

A joke my Dad told me (Long)

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields on a sunny day. He lifts up the bonnet of the car and checks the engine, but can't find the problem.

He hears: "Check your fan belt"

Looking around, he finds nobody around him and thinks the heat is getting to his he...

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

A pervert in a trenchcoat flashes three little old ladies sitting on a park bench.

Upon the sight, two of them had a stroke.

The other one couldn't reach it.

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

Welsh joke *long*

This was told to me 35 years ago by Boyd Clack (google him for his works)

Small welsh village and the local vicar has been told that his sermon this week needs to be about the doctrine of the Church of Wales as there had been lots of rumours about the village of ghost sightings.

"and m...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

My doctor informed me that I’m losing my sight.

I didn’t see it coming.

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

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This joke was told to me in Spanish so hopefully nothing is lost in translation.

Two guys were on a ship out in the ocean when it capsized during a storm. But they were lucky enough to find a piece of flotsam to hold on to.

One man spoke only Spanish and the other spoke only English. After days of holding on to the flotsam, the Spanish guy couldn’t hold on and started to ...

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

You know, I’m glad I’m not cross eyed ...

Because the then I’d have love at second sight.

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

What does a short sighted detective wear?

Suspectacles

I used to rub ketchup in my eye

Now i’ve got Heinz sight

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

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Three elderly nuns on a park bench.

Three elderly nuns were sitting on a park bench. They were chatting amongst themselves about their favourite Bible passages when a man in an overcoat walks up to them and flashes his penis. Shocked by the sight, the first nun had a stroke, so did the second ... but the third one couldn’t reach.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

Two friends who met at a bar after a long time were discussing about their private life .

They were surprised to find that their girlfriends had a lot in common and even looked exactly the same except they had a different hair colour . Hence they excitedly came to a conclusion that their girlfriends must have been long lost twins .

The bartender who overheard their conversation ...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

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"Your one and only job is to supply the miners"

The foreman told the asian man before leaving the job site.

Upon the foreman's return a week later he noticed one of the job site workers lackadaisically lounging in the sun.

"Hey Bob! How are ya? Why arent you workin boy?" said the foreman.

"Im too hungry to work. That chinama...

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A bunch of doctors were asked about easing lockdown restrictions

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception...

A duck walks into a bar after a long day of work on abuilding sight

He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway


The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club s...

For my cake day, I want to share a joke I've never seen here: A man is walking through the desert. [Long]

He comes across a town and realises he could get a horse. He walks up to the horse salesperson and asks for a horse. The salesperson says "Sorry just sold the last one, but you can check down the street. The other guy might have some left!"

So he goes there and again, asks for a horse. Unfort...

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The beer was spilt on the barroom floor,

And the bar was closed for the night...

And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,

Who made a funny sight..

He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,

And back on his haunches he sat...

And all through the night you could hear him yell,

"Bring on ...

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

It's easy to hide a function if it has no Z's

you can hide it in plane sight.

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

No end in sight...

I can't see an end. 
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

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Same Lunch Everyday

A Mexican, Armenian, Korean, and Redneck are construction workers. Every day, there is a bell that sounds at 12:00 PM notifying the workers that it is their lunch break. The workers go on with their day and as soon as the bell rings, they grab their lunches and sit together to eat.


The ...

Girl: Dad, I’m in love, Love at 2nd sight!

Dad : What’s Love at 2nd sight???!!!

Girl : When I saw him 1st he was buying McChicken...

When I saw him again ...... he was eating it in his Lamborghini

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a ...

I wish that I had four sight.

But instead, I just have two.

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The man and the frog

A man with a dick of 50cm went to the doctor.
Could you please get it a little smaller doctor? he asked.

The doctor had to let him down, because he couldn't. However, he said, there is a frog that turns up at night, and if you ask him to marry you and he'll say no, your dick will shrink....

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have known that this year was going to look like ass

After all hind sight is 2020



Edited from my previous post

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

Wolf sighting

Husband: Honey I think I just saw a wolf!

Wife: where?

Husband: No, a regular one.

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

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My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves into a new apartment building...

He decides to host a party to get to know his neighbours. Being the sort of person who liked to do things a little differently he throws a costume party but with a unique theme. Every guest must turn up dressed up as an emotion.

The big night finally arrives and our host is feeling nervous. W...

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

my sight was getting bad so I went to get glasses ...

I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -

at least now I have 1920 vision.

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

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An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

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A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

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Trying to outcheat the quack

### A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.


Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up


Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf a...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wron...

Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.

There's always little bumps in their salary.

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

Easter

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any ...

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

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A tiger walks through the forest and suddenly sees a rare sight - a monkey throwing coconuts at a lion.

The tiger asks the lion, "Why do you let him do it?"

"Lets see you doing something," says the lion.

"No problem," replies the tiger. "Watch and learn."

The tiger leaps up and starts chasing the monkey, climbing the trees, the mountains, the hills, crossing the sands until they r...

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

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I'm driving slowly down a quiet street with no one in sight.

I come up to a stop sign and slow down and it's quite obvious that there's no one remotely near the intersection because there's perfect visibility in all direction.

Just when I cross the intersection a motorcycle cop pops out from behind some bushes where he was hiding. Apparently there was...

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My wife told me she can only have sex with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.

Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

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After he hears the doorbell ring, a man opens his front door to the sight of a young fella

"Good day, sir – my name is Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter."

Perplexed, the man replies "To what?"

"To*bias*, sir!"

Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings?

Nick all the sturgeon

Why does Batman's mask hide only half his face?

So that the cops can see he's white and not shoot him on sight.

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you ta...

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