I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight....

Sigh.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? NSFW

A wet nose.

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

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With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen...

Now that's just taking the piss.

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

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A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting. Watson has a buck in his sights, when holmes throws a rock near it, and, frightened, it runs away. "What the hell was that?!" He asks. Holmes looks at him for a second..

It sedimentary. My deer, Watson.

Why couldn’t the people with great eye sight warn us about this year

They are the ones with 2020 vision after all

A priest, doctor, and engineer are golfing

They are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimes in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest says, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word...

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.

Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"...

Why did the tree have bad eye sight?

It had a stickmatism

As The White House suggests the peak could be in sight.

Scientists warn that in reality, Trump has several levels of stupidity to go yet.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

Russian Eye Sight Test

A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.

The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.

The doctor asked, "can you read them?"

Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the ...

A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in Uzbekista...

When suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives, smashes into the tower and tumbles down to certain death.

Shortly afterwards, a second hang-glider does exactly the same.

Horrified, the tourist turns to the local guide, asking what on Earth just happened.

The guide shrugs, “You kno...

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Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, ‟I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my mster's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it'll calm me down.”

The second, a mut...

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

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Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

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A wanderer is walking in a desert...

Under that hellish heat, he stumbled upon a man claiming to be a sage, lying down all spread out and with his dick hard. The sage kept looking at it. The wanderer, intrigued, decided to ask "Sage, what are you doing?". "I'm checking the time with the sun." answered the man. Satisfied with the answer...

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

The first ever contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many people ill despite th...

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

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A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again. The next day the local paper read: "PRIESTS ASS OUT FRONT".

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the ...

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

Why did the partially sighted woman fall down a well?

Because she couldn't see that well

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

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My eye-doctor told me that poor sight can sometimes be attributed to excessive masturbation.

It was an optical allusion.

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

No one is making 2020 vision jokes anymore.

I guess they just lost sight of it.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

My doctor informed me that I’m losing my sight.

I didn’t see it coming.

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied,
'I know the guy.'

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

A very reasonable excuse

A fellow who was exceeding the speed limit when he caught the sight of red & blue flashing lights in the rear view.

Pulling his car over, the officer stopped behind him & approached the driver's window. Rolling his window down the driver had a terrified look on his face. The office a...

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

What does a short sighted detective wear?

Suspectacles

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

A kangaroo enters a bar in the middle of the outback

Everyone stares at him awkwardly, wondering how an animal could be lost to the point of entering a human home. The kangaroo jumps up to the bar and says :

"Hey, gimme a pint of beer."

The owner, confused by this sight, points at the beer taps :

"Er, which one ?"

"Gimme an...

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

An American & his wife are visiting Israel...

The long married couple have been travelling & seeing the sights for a few months.
One day, the man's wife suddenly dies.



At the morgue she is pronounced dead. The mortician says We can bury her here in Israel for $250 or cremate her for $1000.


The husband ponder...

A duck walks into a bar after a long day of work on abuilding sight

He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway


The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club s...

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A rich business man suspected his wife of cheating

So he hired a shady private investigator to confirm his suspicions. One afternoon while at work he gets a call from the PI to meet him top of a high rise building. He immediately rushes there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighbouring high rise...

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Mike went to brothel with 5$ to ask for a woman

But matrone sent his home. "You will need more money that that, honey."

So Mike returns next day with 15 $. Matrone sights and send his to room 9. There is a goat standing next to a bed. But Mike didn't want to give his money away for nothing, so he went with it.

He show up again afte...

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

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sex joke #2

a cucumber, a pickle and a penis, are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. the cucumber says, "my life fucking sucks.. im put into salads and to top em off, they drizzle dressing all over me.."
"my life sucks.." says the pickle. "that's nothing compared to my life, im put in vinegar an...

No end in sight...

I can't see an end. 
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

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There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call

Right then Zip jumped on the table,
Dick jumped in the teachers chair,
And Piss was punchin everyone in sight .
3 minutes later the teacher back in and said

Zip down,
Dick out,
and Piss in the corner

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

Ketchup can actually help you see!

They say Heinz sight is 20/20...

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

Girl: Dad, I’m in love, Love at 2nd sight!

Dad : What’s Love at 2nd sight???!!!

Girl : When I saw him 1st he was buying McChicken...

When I saw him again ...... he was eating it in his Lamborghini

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Mom comes home and as she opens the door, her son runs to her, shouting...

Son, panicking: "Mom mom! Dad hung himself in the attic!"
Mom, shocked, out of breath and words runs all panicky towards the attic...
She looks to the right, to the left, over and over again,... yet there's no sight of this dreadful act taking place.
And just as she's about to angril...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

Did you hear about the long-sighted baptist?

He had to use a large font.

Wolf sighting

Husband: Honey I think I just saw a wolf!

Wife: where?

Husband: No, a regular one.

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

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This joke was told to me in Spanish so hopefully nothing is lost in translation.

Two guys were on a ship out in the ocean when it capsized during a storm. But they were lucky enough to find a piece of flotsam to hold on to.

One man spoke only Spanish and the other spoke only English. After days of holding on to the flotsam, the Spanish guy couldn’t hold on and started to ...

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

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My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.

my sight was getting bad so I went to get glasses ...

I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -

at least now I have 1920 vision.

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

Welsh joke *long*

This was told to me 35 years ago by Boyd Clack (google him for his works)

Small welsh village and the local vicar has been told that his sermon this week needs to be about the doctrine of the Church of Wales as there had been lots of rumours about the village of ghost sightings.

"and m...

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

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An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

You know, I’m glad I’m not cross eyed ...

Because the then I’d have love at second sight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tiger walks through the forest and suddenly sees a rare sight - a monkey throwing coconuts at a lion.

The tiger asks the lion, "Why do you let him do it?"

"Lets see you doing something," says the lion.

"No problem," replies the tiger. "Watch and learn."

The tiger leaps up and starts chasing the monkey, climbing the trees, the mountains, the hills, crossing the sands until they r...

Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.

There's always little bumps in their salary.

What's what?

A very innocent young couple had spent a number of months courting very chastely indeed, not least because they had only the haziest idea of what being unchaste even involved. So at the wedding reception both he and she were being taken aside by their friends and told "Hey! You'll get what's what al...

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

I used to rub ketchup in my eye

Now i’ve got Heinz sight

I smeared ketchup all over my eyes once...

It was a bad idea, in Heinz-sight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beer was spilt on the barroom floor,

And the bar was closed for the night...

And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,

Who made a funny sight..

He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,

And back on his haunches he sat...

And all through the night you could hear him yell,

"Bring on ...

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