On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

My doctor informed me that I’m losing my sight.

I didn’t see it coming.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury

It was a flying Chaucer!

I was traveling through Paris yesterday, just seeing the sights...

And I think I dropped my mixtape somwhere. If you find it plz PM me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.

my sight was getting bad so I went to get glasses ...

I could not afford a pair so I bought a monocle instead -

at least now I have 1920 vision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tiger walks through the forest and suddenly sees a rare sight - a monkey throwing coconuts at a lion.

The tiger asks the lion, "Why do you let him do it?"

"Lets see you doing something," says the lion.

"No problem," replies the tiger. "Watch and learn."

The tiger leaps up and starts chasing the monkey, climbing the trees, the mountains, the hills, crossing the sands until they r...

A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.

Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can’t see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the...

I'm driving slowly down a quiet street with no one in sight.

I come up to a stop sign and slow down and it's quite obvious that there's no one remotely near the intersection because there's perfect visibility in all direction.

Just when I cross the intersection a motorcycle cop pops out from behind some bushes where he was hiding. Apparently there was...

Girl: Dad, I’m in love, Love at 2nd sight!

Dad : What’s Love at 2nd sight???!!!

Girl : When I saw him 1st he was buying McChicken...

When I saw him again ...... he was eating it in his Lamborghini

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

No end in sight...

I can't see an end. 
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman, blinded in an accident, has surgery to regain her sight...

Afterwards the doctor tells her to remove the bandages from her eyes. As she’s doing that, he pulls out his penis. She drops the bandages into the waste bin and blinks her eyes as the doctor pops his hips and proudly displays his erection. “So,” says the doctor, “what do you think?”

“Well,” ...

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me she can only have sex with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.

Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After he hears the doorbell ring, a man opens his front door to the sight of a young fella

"Good day, sir – my name is Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter."

Perplexed, the man replies "To what?"

"To*bias*, sir!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures

Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that Motherfucker upside the head!

On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.

I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.

The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"

Edit: Spelling. I was home-schooled.

Confused I responded "No, why would I do that?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a series of city-wide riots, the mayor of Los Angeles imposed the harshest curfew ever: anyone outdoors after 10 pm will be shot on sight!

On the very first night of the curfew, a cop shot a black kid dead at 9:45. The police chief dragged the cop in for questioning.

"What the hell you doing shooting a guy before the curfew even started!?"

"Sir, I know where that guy lives. He never would have made it home in time!"

Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every s...

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you ta...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I needed the loo, and only a wishing well was in sight.

Well. Shit.

A guy with an inverted sight boarded a bus to a random location.

Whoops, wrong sub.

When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight...

Urine trouble.

I'm Starting a Fundraiser to Help Restore Sight to Seniors with Degenerative Eye Problems.

Please Upvote for visibility.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A blind man walks into a bar with his sight dog..

He then takes the dog and starts spinning it around by the tail. The bartender asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The blind man replies "Just looking around."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman met in Vegas...

A man and a woman met in Vegas. They caught sight of eachother and immediately fell deeply in love. That same night, the man proposes to her. She looks him in the eyes and says, "Honey, I have a confession. I am extremely flat chested. If that bothers you, let me know and I will leave now."
...

The five senses are touch, smell, sight, hearing, and.....

It's on the tip of my tongue...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

Is it okay to make fun of colourblind people's line of sight?

It's a grey area

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

Little Johnny was 5 years old and born blind.

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a hunter goes out to the forest

He’s just looking for a simple blacktail deer, but he hears big footsteps so he walks to the edge of a clearing. In the middle of the clearing, there’s a huge bear. The farmer aims down his sights, and shoots the bear. He looks up, and the bear is gone.

Suddenly, he feels a *tap tap tap* on h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy was out riding his horse when he was captured by 3 Indians

The Indians tell him, "We'll give you three wishes before we kill you." The cowboy says, "Okay, well I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy whispers in his horse's ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out of sight. Shortly the horse returns with a beautiful naked redhe...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

I walked into an old defunct Nike store today. The place was depressing because-

there wasn't a sole in sight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license

First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with te letters C Z W I N O S T A C Z.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail.

Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.

He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."

As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting ...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and caught the sight of a great bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman, who was standing nearby. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. With this information in mind, she hurried back home and dyed her hair, then rushed back and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.

'Look, a well!' - said the first man

'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man

'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whet...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

Hindsight

A husband and wife were living in Colorado. He enjoyed outdoor activities and loved going snow skiing in the wintertime. She was a bit of a homebody and preferred a quiet afternoon with a book.

One weekend in February, after a few hours of pleading, the husband convinced his wife to drive up ...

A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become o...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream

​

Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside m...

A hippy finds a magic lamp.

He rubs it and a genie comes out and asks "What is your wish?" The hippy says "Man, I just want to be up tight, out of sight, and in the groove." So the genie turns him into a tampon.

A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.

She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.

Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this...

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong


Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?


See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao


Stupid man........................................Dum Gai


Small horse....

A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Amazing Grace

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on ...

I used to can beans for a living,

In Heinz sight it wasn't a bad job.

Man walks by the cemetery...

A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"

The sight of this fellow in such misery re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

A Man Goes to His Doctor...

Man: Doc, I think I have a problem.

Doc: Tell me about your problem.

Man: I don't know why Doc but I get excessively angry whenever I see tiles.

Doc: Anything else?

Man: I loose control and start breaking every tile in sight.

Doc: Ah, I know what's wrong.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a certain country, there was a strict curfew that was brought about by the new ruling at the time.

Everyone needed to be home by 6 PM, and anyone breaking this rule would be arrested, or worse, shot on sight.

Marcelino and Santiago were two officers that made sure everyone followed this rule. Marcelino was a newbie, and Santiago's been in the force for years.

As they go about their ...

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

So I live next to a prison...

One morning I awoke to the sight of a little person breaking out of said prison, hastily climbing down the fence to freedom.

Sipping my coffee I thought to myself "*Well that's a little condescending".*

No wonder fortnite is so popular with kids

Who doesn't like hopping off a bus and shooting everyone in sight

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife wouldn't let me go out with my mates.

My wife put her foot down and wouldn't let me go out with my friends one Friday night.
We ended up having dinner, watching a shit house rom-com and going to bed by 10pm. I was well asleep, when at midnight there was a heavy knocking at the front door. She sat bolt up and said .'Whichever one of y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.


"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of the only jokes I remember from childhood...

Superman was flying around Metropolis on a sunny day, and it was a boring one. No crime to fight.
So he keeps flying around the city, cruising around - and finally he sees Wonder Woman on top of a building, sunbathing in the nude.
Superman circles around the city a few times, getting hornier...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a fancy and very expensive jewellery store.

She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. Curious, she walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to take a closer look, she accidentally and unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously and hopes that no one noticed or heard her little accident....

Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.

It was love at second sight, they said.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tell me what you think of this joke.

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink when an extremely unique individual walks in.

He was surrounded by dozens of beautiful women, his body was covered in expensive jewelry, and his head was an orange.

Overcome by curiosity, the patron of the bar asks the newcomer, “Dude. What *h...

A man is contacted by a lawyer

"I'm sorry to contact you out of the blue" the lawyer says. "I have to say this is one of the strangest requests I've ever had from a client. You see, I'm representing your biological mother. When she gave you up for adoption 30 years ago, this was her condition.

"I'm adopted?" The man asks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Winter is here...

...& our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.

Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow !

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...