SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

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NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line.

A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"

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Two guys are camping when...

Hello everybody. I am transalting this joke from my native language so
1 Sorry for any grammar error
2 I hope it s a new one for some of you

Two friends are camping in the mountains.
They are relaxing, walking into the nature, breathing fr...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily.

Old lady: Excuse me?

Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?

Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large vibrator with alkaline batteries?

Pharmacist: yes, we do.

Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!

What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry?

He is just venting...

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

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Darth Vader: *heavy breathing*

**Admiral Motti:** oh great, he's jerking off using the force again.

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

Doctor: "Does it hurt?" Patient: "Only when I'm breathing."

Both laugh for a while.
Doctor: "That will soon be over. "

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Why do communists stop breathing when they masturbate?

Because in Soviet Russia, chicken chokes YOU.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

I tried to make a breathing mask out of pita bread.

But it just made me falafel.

Did you hear the news today? Alabama is turning blue!

Many Alabamians have trouble breathing because of Covid it seems.

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It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his ass

One day he sat and he died

What do you call a DJ who’s stopped breathing?

Off the air.

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