Breathing Jokes - 28 Hilarious Breathing Jokes

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

Manual breathing activated

Joke is on you :)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

I tried to make a breathing mask out of pita bread.

But it just made me falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

You're now breathing manually

Don't stop

What do you call a DJ who’s stopped breathing?

Off the air.

What do you do when Team Rocket stops breathing?

You give them Meowth to Meowth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line.

A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald " She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"

What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry?

He is just venting...

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

A man stopped breathing today at a bar...

A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole damm alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...

Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily.

Old lady: Excuse me?

Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?

Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large with alkaline batteries?

Pharmacist: yes, we do.

Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!

As a kid, I used to complain about my sister "breathing my aaaaaair!"

My complaints are more founded now that she has coronavirus.

Is today breathing fire or something?

Because it sure is draggin'.

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'...

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his

One day he sat and he died

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

I was going to post a really long joke about a mythical fire breathing animal

But it'd drag on.

My wife was having trouble breathing last night.

I think I wasn't holding the pillow down tight enough.

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prefer women with big breathing problems than .

I'm an asthma-n.

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