Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing.

I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line.

A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"

What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily.

Old lady: Excuse me?

Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?

Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large vibrator with alkaline batteries?

Pharmacist: yes, we do.

Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!

Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry?

He is just venting...

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A Nun, a Priest and a camel

So theres a nun and a priest walking through a vast desert with their camel. On the camel is their water and food plus all other belongings. They've been walking for a few days before suddenly the camel collapses. The priest checks its breathing and confirms it's dead. With too far to go and no way ...

Don't Choke!

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin y...

Two hunters out in the woods when one of them collapses….

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot

Back on the phone, th...

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

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Darth Vader: *heavy breathing*

**Admiral Motti:** oh great, he's jerking off using the force again.

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Little Johnny and his brother at breakfast

One morning, Little Johnny and his older brother Billy are about to have breakfast, when Billy says to Johnny 'You know what? It's time we started to swear in front of mum. Let's begin slowly and drop a few cuss words." Just then their mother calls them for breakfast. They troop down the stairs and ...

Doctor: "Does it hurt?" Patient: "Only when I'm breathing."

Both laugh for a while.
Doctor: "That will soon be over. "

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Why do communists stop breathing when they masturbate?

Because in Soviet Russia, chicken chokes YOU.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

I tried to make a breathing mask out of pita bread.

But it just made me falafel.

At the doctor's office

A gynecologist is in middle of a pelvic exam when his colleague enters the room.

- Hey John. Do you know where we will be getting together tonight after work ?

- Yes, sure. It's very easy to find. You remember where we were last time ? Yes... You go straight from there for about hund...

What do you call a DJ who’s stopped breathing?

Off the air.

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With a seductive voice...

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a s...

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It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his ass

One day he sat and he died

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