"I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep"

"Oh my God! Are you proposing?"

"What? NO! Just setting your photo as my phone wallpaper. Geez!"

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

an old man reads Deuteronomy on his laptop to fall asleep on airplanes. what is that called?

elder scrolls 5, sky rem.

Just came home to find my mate slumped over the fruit bowl, fast asleep.

I was understandably confused by this, so awoke him and asked him what on earth had happened. Turns out he’d been out drinking and had chatted to a car enthusiast who told him he should watch 24 hours of Le Mans.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting ...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night…

when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the sta...

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people....

Slapping someone usually wakes them up, but slapping them harder can make them fall asleep....

What if you slap them harder while they're sleeping?
They sleep 2x better?

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An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

Jones is asleep in his bed and in his dream

... he hears a voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!“

Jones wakes up thinking “That was a weird dream” and goes about his day. The next night, he hears the same voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!”

After the third night with the ...

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health

Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.

I fart while I am asleep...

I wanted to keep that a secret, but I blew my cover.

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

Do you know why keyboards don't fall asleep?

because they have two shifts!

I hate falling asleep

I hit my head on something every single time.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

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24 hours to live

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have o...

Being Kissed While You're Asleep is Purest Forms Of Love,

Not When You Live Alone.

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

A Wife's diary......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I sugges...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.<...

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A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings...

The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

My dream came true when I was asleep

Time to change my pants

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

What do you get when your foot falls asleep?

Comatose.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg.

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him.

The narwhal comes and the penguin says, "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break ...

Burt and Molly who were in their 70's were lying in bed one night.

Burt was falling asleep but Molly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Burt reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly ir...

A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after

A couple of weeks later she wakes up and asks the doctor, "Where are my babies?"

The doctor replies, "They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother had to name them"

"Oh no! What did he name them?" The w...

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What do Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

My friend was telling me about how hard it is for him to fall asleep.

I laughed. "Pssht. Sleeping's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed."

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

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A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father.

While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill.
The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?”
“The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.”
“All right,” the man re...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides

Probably because their main courses are enormous

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

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I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

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A man takes his friend hunting.

Boudreaux takes his buddy Thibodeaux hunting with him one day. Thibodeaux is new to hunting and is very tired from getting up early. They split up and start hunting for the day. After a few hours, Thibodeaux needs to take a shit. He squats against a tree and starts to go, but he falls asleep mid pro...

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 

"You're running around with other women." she charged. 

"You're being very unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by s...

I was making pottery and i fell asleep while doing it..

When i woke my head was spinning..

No running in heaven

So a man died and went to heaven. When he got to the gates Saint Peter was waiting for him.
He told him :
You were a very good person in your lifetime so as a price you can go to the farm next to the gate and pick any car you want so you can drive inside heaven.

The man goes and starts ...

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A bear walks into a bar...

and orders a beer. The bartender said "this is a beer bar. We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

"Oh yeah?" says the bear. "Well if you don't give me a beer right now, I am going to walk down to the other end of this bar and eat that pretty young lady."

The bartender looks at the bea...

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

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Boudreaux and Thibodeau go hunting one weekend

While out in the woods, they are able to track and kill a deer that morning. While Thibodeau is gutting the deer, Boudreaux feels nature’s call and tells Thibodeau he has to go pop a squat. So, Boudreaux finds a tree a little bit away and does his business. However, he falls asleep!

Thibodeau...

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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

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I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep –

that’s got to be the ultimate rejection.

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

I discovered that last night I built a chair from Ikea while I was asleep...

... apparently there was somnassembly required.

(Joke from Questionable Content)

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I was smoking an e-cigarette in bed and fell asleep.

I woke up to find my whole house was on the internet.

Where do babies always fall asleep?

inside a hot car

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
“You beep when you sleep.”
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he ...

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.

The next day, the twins' uncle died.

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

I fell asleep at the mall today...

I was counting customers leaving the Apple store

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

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2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my butt fell asleep the other says

yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I ...

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the r...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork?

Bob.

Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.

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A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed.

"Are you okay?" the wife asks.
"I guess," he replies.
"I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep."
The man replies, "Who said I was asleep?"

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A Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awake...

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A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.






>!baaaaaaa!<

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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

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How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

Woah, Today My Head ‘Fell Asleep’ Like Your Arms & Legs Do Sometimes

It was mind numbing.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent set up, both men fell asleep.

A few hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies "I see a beautiful clear sky with millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" Asked Tonto....

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[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

I fell asleep on a mountain last night

Man was it rock hard

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

People get mad at Tesla drivers for falling asleep behind the wheel.

My car must be broken. Every time I fall asleep while driving it takes me to the hospital.

A woman goes out shopping with her husband

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boot she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns...

My dragon is asleep

He's dragoff.

I couldn’t sleep so I googled “how to fall asleep?”

Step 1: Stay off your phone before bed

Step 2: Irony

I hate when my leg falls asleep during the day

Now it's going to be up all night!

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A guy walks into a confession booth...

The joke is not in English but ill try to translate it the best i can.

A man goes to the church and tells the priest that he would like to confess something. They go into the booth and sit down, the guy tries to confess but he hesitates and leaves the booth. The priest tries to encourage the ...

A child got abducted the other day and fell asleep.

I guess it was time for a kidnap.

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Little Johnny is falling asleep in class and little Susie is sitting behind him

The teacher noticed Johnny’s head down so she called on him to answer: “Johnny, who is our lord and savior?” Susie pokes him in the back with a pencil, making him jerk awake and scream “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher was shocked but just said “very good Johnny” and he fell back asleep. Teacher notices t...

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

I'm having a little trouble falling asleep so I figured I'd write a joke

a joke

Tomorrow I'll write two jokes

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who made hitler fall asleep

hermann boring

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Little Timmy fell asleep in class and woke up during the last ten minutes of recess.

He was feeling pretty horny as he woke up with a raging boner, so he decided to use the last 10 minutes of recess to masturbate so he could get rid of it. So he's in the bathroom jacking off, and he's having trouble getting himself to orgasm. He then hears the bell that signals that class is startin...

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Jimmy! That’s the third time this week you fell asleep in class.

I don’t think you’re cut out to be a teacher.

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

Why was the shepherd fired?

He fell asleep during inventory

Why was the sheep girl fired?

She was sleeping with the shepherd too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My butt fell asleep while I was browsing Disney+ on the toilet.

I ended up watching sleeping booty.

What do you call it when you fall asleep on a rocket?

Spacing out

What hangs around while you’re asleep?

Jeffery Epstein

Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony...

Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you.

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory.

Why was the person who wouldn't fall asleep jailed?

He was resisting a rest.

I've been posting my resume online while I was asleep;

hoping to get my dream job.

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The four tiers of courage

FIRST TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is standing by the door with a broom and you ask her: "You cleaning or flying off to somewhere?"
SECOND TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is in bed, but she is not asleep.
You bring a chair to the bed and ...

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'
That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the groun...

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep?

A bulldozer.


I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

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