An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

No wonder everyone's attracted to the earths center

It is pretty hot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible teacher?

I was wondering why my printer made music.

Turns out it was just jamming.

Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?"

But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.

I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He said, “Why? is she good looking?”

I said, “No, she’s a optician.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Ever wonder why stores always charge $$.99

It's because charging a whole dollar amount wouldn't make cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No wonder New Zealand's population is so small

They manage to pull out last minute.

Always wondered about using oak instead of silicon for breast implants

Be a lot firmer, wooden tit?

Wondering how to pass time until your own cake day joke?

Just bake it till you make it!

Okay, I stole that pun, but I really couldn't have done it batter myself.

That batter pun was terrible, I'll beat it now.

Sorry, I know I'm on thin icing here, but this left me in tiers.

Anyway, I've got a lot on my plate today, I'm going t...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

It’s no wonder why anti-vaxxers hate needle injections…

They always miss the point.

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother…

the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

I saw a half lion, half eagle in the dining room at Hogwarts. Everyone was wondering how it had got in but it was obvious.

It came through the Griffindor.

I wonder

Do oranges want to be juice or they pressured into it?

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder...

...why did he wait so long?

Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Husband: A trip to Paris. Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th?

I’ll pick you back up.

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder

Ray Charles meets Stevie Wonder, they talk about their life, then Stevie says "it's just too bad we're both blind".

Ray answers "Could be worse, we could have been black"

I’ve been wondering why it is called a punch line towards the end of jokes...

And then it hit me

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

I saw this rock and I was wondering why it was coming closer,

But then it hit me.

Why was Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman nicknamed "Dr. Jones?"

Because he was also Indiana

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

I’ve been playing in the street all day wondering why I haven’t seen a single car

And then it hit me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

Wonderfully British…

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...

A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"

She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f...

My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !"

Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.

Have you ever seen a picture of Stevie Wonder's kids?

Neither has he!

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

As a Final Fantasy fan, I always wondered why Big Bang Theory only ever referenced the Third Level Spell.

They never even mention Bazin and Bazinra.

Whats Stevie Wonder doing on a boat?

Waiting for a cab.

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old war general is at a banquet by himself

A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had sex"
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have sex and she is amazed how good h...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

Now that Matthew McConaughey might be running for governor of Texas people are wondering what his politics are...

I think it’s obvious he’s a member of the Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An IT technician and his wife go to marriage counseling

The IT technician's wife frustratedly explains to the counselor

"Everything would be fine... but my husband just doesn't want to have sex with me!"

The counselor thinks for a second, then wonders:

"Have you tried turning him off and on again?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?

Because rear defroster was already taken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and...

The young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily. ”Not in your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone...

And then it dawned on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park.

The punk has a mohawk 14 inches high with all sorts of different colors. The punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair.

After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says: "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything crazy before?"
<...

Spacebar

While out picking up some last minute Thanksgiving items my wife texted me "Thespacebaronmyphoneisnotworking.Whenigethomecanyougivemeanalternative?"

As I eagerly await her arrival home in my birthday suit I cannot help but wonder, what does ternative mean?

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

What do you want for breakfast?

There were two elderly people who were trying to decide what to have for breakfast. Keep this in mind: because of their age, neither of them have the greatest memory anymore.

The husband asks the wife, "what do you want for breafast?"

The wife responds, "Oh... just a bowl of oatmeal wo...

An old man was walking down the street in the Soviet Union and realized his shoe was untied.

Upon realizing it, he bent down to tie his shoe, and when he finished, he stood up only to realize there was a man standing behind him.

"Oh, excuse me, Comrade, I didn't mean to get in your way," the old man said, but got only a grim stare in response.The man turned to walk away, but then r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.

For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting...

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if my wife hates my body.

A tiny part of me thinks "Yes!"

I was assisting a Dr. doing circumcisions

and he asked me “Don’t you ever wonder what I do with all these forskins? I take them home and make wallets out of them…when you rub them they turn into suitcases.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flash was running and saw Wonder Woman lying naked in the beach (NSFW)

He thought this would be the best chance,he could go in, do his business and leave even before anyone notices. So he goes in, finishes his business and runs away!

Sensiting this commotion, Wonder Woman asks "What the fuck just happened? " and Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my asshol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

I wonder if the Earth . . .

Makes fun of the Moon for having no life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

I saw an anti-abortion meme and wondered about copyright law ...

Does the image come with reproduction rights?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

Have you ever wondered why horses are so happy?

It’s because they have a stable home life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

I wonder ...

what people who type "u" and "ur" do with all the extra time.

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

Kenobi was wondering if he should become a Jedi

So Qui-Gon gave him this advice:

"Oh, be one."

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

I always wondered if cats are religious ...

then I realized that they are all practicing cat licks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever wondered how the butterfly got it’s name?

Here’s a little story on how the butterfly got it’s name.

A long time ago there were two old drunks who wandered out into a field and had sat down on an old stump. As they are sitting there they have a canteen of whiskey and they are passing it back and forth. Soon enough both men are very dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

Different approach

If, instead of Covid, there was a virus that caused impotency, I wonder how long would it take until the anti-vaxxers would soften.

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th...

A man advertises in the paper "help wanted"

"need someone with a keen eye for detail for touch up of property."

The next day, he gets a call from a lady enquiring about about the position. She arrives later that day and he's floored by her beauty: blonde, leggy, bodacious.

She asks him "what's needing done, sugar?"

He rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meeting the Parents

A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriend's home to meet her parents for the first time. The mother hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its testicles. To break the ice, the boy looks at the girl'...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

Couple at a Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agriculture show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull produced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wonder what it’s like to date a politician

Being both financially and literally fucked by the same person

Dave and the barber

So this guy Dave is in getting a haircut. He tells the barber, “I’m going on a three week vacation to Europe.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re going to hate it. Everything is so comp...

Ever wonder why fire engines are read?

Because newspapers are read too.
Two plus Two is four.
Four plus four is eight.
Eight plus four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
There are fish in the sea.
Fish ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

I wonder why Microsoft has opened an office inside my computer.

These predatory businesses are getting out of hand.

The kids at the Easter egg hunt were wondering why I was pouring concrete into the eggs.

Then it hit them.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.