Stuck Jokes - 106 Hilarious Stuck Jokes

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I've been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

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I got a Viagra stuck in my throat this morning.

I had a stiff neck all day.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

What do you call two bicycles that are stuck together?

Conjoined Schwinns

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue

For the devil can take many forms

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A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest no...

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

3 blondes are stuck...

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.

"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too po...

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Three guys are stuck on an island...

and they come across a magic lamp. One of the guys rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says; "since you freed me from this lamp Ill reward you all ... now jump off this cliff over here and shout the name of anything, and youll turn into it till you get home." so the first guy jumps off and shouts...

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

Head stuck in the fence

2 men were walking along a field in Scotland when they come across a sheep with his head stuck in the fence.

Immediately, without hesitating, man #1 drops trow and has his way with the sheep.

Upon his finish, he turns to man #2 and asks, "you want some of this, you wanna piece of this?...

I hate it when you get a Cranberries song stuck in your head...

.. In your head

In your head.

In your head.

Do you know how many times I've stuck my fingers together when using glue?

*hold your hand up, but keep your fingers together*

This many times!

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What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

What do you call a Punjabi guy who gets stuck in the middle of the ocean?

Amandeep Trouble

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A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years

when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woma...

A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..

Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"

Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."

Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

Yesterday and today I stuck my hand inside feather pillows.

Is it normal that I'm feeling down?

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

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The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

What will a cat say when it get stuck in a box?

LET MEOW!

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If your uncle jack was stuck on his horse,

Would you help your uncle jack off his horse?

Two blondes get stuck in elevator

One of them starts yelling: HELP, HEEEELP

The other one then suggests: Maybe we should start yelling together

The first blonde starts yelling again: TOGETHER, TOGETHEEEEER

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...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

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Two skidmarks are stuck to the side of the toilet bowl.

One asks the other, how long are you planning on sticking around?

Other one says.. I dunno, just until I get pissed off.

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

Whenever we are stuck trying to solve a math problem, we always go to our friend Tommy for help.

We know…Hilfiger it out.

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

The cast of friends were stuck on a life raft…

But all was well, Lisa Kudrow

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

what do you call a giraffe with a jet stuck in it's throat?

A plane in the neck.

Stuck a photo of my ex onto my boomerang.

Now it only comes back when I get rich.

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.

Here are two steps to take if you are ever stuck on a desserted island.

Step 1: Check spelling.

Step 2: If correct, enjoy.

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

The song “Jungle Love” is stuck in my head.

It’s driving me mad.
It’s making me crazy.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie expla...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives?

Texas

I can't stand stuck up bodies of water...

Like, get over yourself Lake Superior!

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her

...you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized...

I forgot a condiment.

For years I've stuck with coke but recently tried switching to pepsi.

But the bubbles really burn my nose.

It's opposite day and I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get it out...

Half of me wishes I'd stuck in at Maths ......

Half of me doesn't and the other half thinks, what use is it anyway?

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

The Doctor stuck a finger in my bum...

For a prostate exam. He said "All's fine." I said "Stick another finger in there, please." He asked "why?" I said "I want a second opinion."

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

What do you call someone from Alabama stuck in a sandwich?

Inbread.

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

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My penis got stuck in the zipper today

I doubt I'll be asked to zip up a dress again

I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

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A sadist and a masochist are stuck in an elevator

The masochist says, "hurt me!"

The sadist replies, "No."

Yo Mama So Fat...

She went skydiving and got stuck.

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy

I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking

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This guy is stuck on a desert island

After being there for a while, he begins to get lonely and starts to think about his girlfriend back home. The only other animal on this island is a goat. A very sexy goat, mind you. Anyway, as time passes he begins to think more and more about fucking this goat. Eventually, one day he decides, ...

What do you tell someone who has just stuck a gun in your mouth?

It's difficult to say

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

Landlords are so stuck up

They act like they own the place.

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A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

I’m stuck on the toilet.

Call the Squat Team.

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

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Stuck my dick in a jar of peanut butter...

Guess you could call me fucking nuts.

What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage ?

Garbage.

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

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I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord?

>!They went on a power trip!<

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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Have you ever had the theme from "The Love Boat" stuck in your head?

Now you have. You're welcome.

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A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.

Driver “Maybe not, but you ain’t out of the ditch yet either!“

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A man walks into the emergency room and tells the doctor that there’s a cat stuck in his ass

The doctor removes it and sends the man home. A day later he returns to the emergency room with a different cat stuck in his ass. The doctor removes it and sends him home. The next day he walks back into the emergency room with another cat stuck in his ass. At this point the doctor has had enough an...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

What do you call a guy who has no arms, no legs, and is stuck in front of a door?

Matt

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

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A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck in his anus

the doctor: "ah, I have some cream for that."

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

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A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

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Why did man get his cock stuck in a fan

Because man put it in fan

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's ligh...

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So there is an elephant stuck in some quicksand

He yells for a help and a mouse comes to try and pull him out. The mouse pulls as hard as he can but the elephant won’t budge. The mouse then runs home to grab his corvette and goes back to pull the elephant out. Later that day, the mouse was stuck in some quicksand. He yells for help and the elepha...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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