What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

CHURCH

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.

Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"

Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"

Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"


Source: ...

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

My friends said if you floss you'll be amazed at how much food is stuck between your teeth.

I don't remember eating this much blood

A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

What does the police mechanic say to the stuck oil filter?

Stop Resisting!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

I saw an interview on TV with a guy that got stuck in a cave and had to eat his own leg

The reporter said he was very brave and courageous, but I didn’t like him.

He was full of himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.

He just applied a dressing and sent me home.

Did you hear about the US Marine in Vietnam who was left behind while stuck on the toilet?

He was duty bound.

What do you call two birds stuck together.. ?

Velcrows...

I hate it when you get a Cranberries song stuck in your head...

.. In your head

In your head.

In your head.

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

What do you call a tree that’s stuck on a math problem?

Stumped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I was stuck at this boring get-together so I told everyone that I was gonna grab a couple of cold ones and head out…

I didn’t think it was a big deal but everyone at the funeral home was freaking out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.

Driver “Maybe not, but you ain’t out of the ditch yet either!“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took a Viagra without enough water and it got stuck in my throat.

I had a stiff neck all night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis got stuck in the zipper today

I doubt I'll be asked to zip up a dress again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was on holiday in Damascus, he fell in an open sewer and got stuck

He was in Syria's shit.

Who do you call when a turtle is stuck in your garbage disposal?

Mario

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call it when poop gets stuck to a reindeer’s ass?

Jingleberries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons are walking down the street, which one will say hi to you?

None, because they're just stuck-up cunts.

What do you call a joke that gets stuck at the back of your throat?

A gag

I was stuck driving behind a cement mixer for 1/2 an hour

It had a "Do not overtake turning vehicle" sign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

What do you call someone from Alabama stuck in a sandwich?

Inbread.

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives?

Texas

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic joke with a twist ending

Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do Child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Ye...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

Fishing & girlfriends

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that stuck a baguette up his butt?

It was a pain in the ass.

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer

A woman goes to the doctor, and says "I've got a strawberry stuck in my ass".

The doctor says "I can give you some cream for that".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

Drink jet fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can...

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

I’m stuck on the toilet.

Call the Squat Team.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 Minutes

An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire. The young woman asks, "Sir, I'm interested what would you do if you thought you only had 20 minutes to live?" "Well, I think I would screw anything that moved. Why what would you do?" asked the old man. "Well, under t...

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

…he said last time, we're stuck in a time loop

Which really pisses me off because that's what...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman in her late 20s decides to finally settle down and get married

Before consumating the marriage she decides to put a rubber band on her thigh.

When her man puts it in she slaps the rubber band.

The man says "what was that?"
She says "my cherry popped"

He says "can you pop it again, my balls are stuck"

Hunting Fun

Two guys go hunting one day and they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. The first guy says to his buddy, "Man I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while. This sheep is looking pretty good."

Second guy says, "sure dude. Go for it. I won't tell anyone."

So the 1st guy pulls...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a desert island....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a desert island. They have been stuck there for 5 days and have run out of food and water. In desperation they all go to the beach where they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub the lamp and a Genie pops out and says to the trio, "Thank you f...

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A third grade teacher was teaching English.

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."

"You'll need to have utensils taken out."

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

Yesterday I got stuck in a hall of mirrors

It was a day of reflection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do two tampons walking down the road say to each other?

Nothing, they are both stuck up c*nts

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

"I have to leave work," I told my boss, "my wife is stuck in a house fire!"

"But you're a fireman..." he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A peep of baby chickens were stuck in a hole

A rooster comes along and immediately offers to help, he runs back to the farm to get farmer’s BMW to pull out the baby chickens.

While the rooster was on his way to the farm, a horse comes along and stands over the hole, lowers his penis into the hole forming a ramp and all the chickens run...

What do you call a bull that got stuck in a door?

Adoorabull

Had an exam today and got stuck on the first question.

Used a glue pen by mistake.

George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

A woman walks into a bank

The clerk looks up at her and realizes the woman has a fifty dollar bill stuck up each ear, worried, he goes to his manager. "Oh that's Miss Henderson" the manager says, "Shes got a hundred dollars in arrears"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little mouse runs up to mama mouse

- Mommy, mommy, I've got a new boyfriend, take a look-see!
She reaches into her mouse-pocket and takes out her mouse-wallet in which she has stuck a photo.
- Oh dear, I don't want to disappoint you but it looks like an ordinary bat! - says mama mouse. Little mouse bursts in tears.
- That ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't follow a fox!

A lion is walking with his lioness in the woods, when suddenly a redfox appears out of no where and starts yelling at the lion calling him all names, the lioness turns to the lion and says : defend yourself! he is baffling your honor! to what the lion calmly responded : he is a little basted, beside...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my balls stuck in the wheel while I was driving again

It drives me nuts every time

What do you have if you are unable to remove a paperweight from your pile of timber industry investment certificates?

A stuck stack of stick stocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

My grampa's been telling the same joke about a ship that got stuck for years now,

it never gets old , it's Evergreen.

I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

What did Che Guevara get stuck in his hair?

Guerrilla glue.

Fresh Paint

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down, and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.

She becomes...

Little Mikey

Little Mikey Tomlinson loved his school. He lived in a little fishing village and his mom was the school teacher. The school had a tradition. If it was your birthday you got to choose the fish for lunch and any toy you wanted from the toy chest. For months he had his eye on a replica AC cobra hot wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To gent to the Gents Toilets where all the cocks hang out.


Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his finger stuck in the chickens ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a pound of cherries stuck in my ass once.

It really was the pits.

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company

I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election

The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck my dick in a jar of peanut butter...

Guess you could call me fucking nuts.

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

What if you were stuck in a sausage skin?

That would really be a wurst case scenario.

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one bloody tampon say to the other bloody tampon?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best joke I’ve ever seen

It was a rainy night, 7th of October 2009 if I recall correctly, I was in camp with my friend roasting 2 marshmellow bags we bought, beautiful sight of the river, he told me this one thing that’s stuck with me:

“Did you know too much sex can cause bad eyesight, bad hearing, inability to recei...

What did the youngest piggy in the family always get stuck wearing?

Ham me downs

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

A Sergeant this morning told me "if I turn down the shot I'll get kicked out of the Army."

Me: yeah, but If you get the shot you'll be stuck in the Army...

The husband finds his wife's favorite cat passed away.

The cat is stucked in the drain on the roof and drowned.

When the wife gets home the husband and coldly tells her the truth. "Honey, your cat is dead!"

The wife is saddened by hearing it but she starts to nag her husband to be a bit more commiserating.

"Why you are so cruel? Y...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.