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Nervous Jokes

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

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A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

The pilot and copilot are coming into LAX and they are nervous.

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry "Stop! Please stop!" The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says "That was the shortest runway I eve...

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

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A nervous young priest…

is preparing for his first sermon. He goes to the elder bishop for advice, who tells him ‘Take a glass of vodka up with you, and every time you start to feel nervous, take a sip. Everyone will just think it’s water and it’ll help calm you down.’

The young priest follows the wise elders advice...

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

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Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

How did the nervous man feel after putting on his wool socks?

Sheepish

On his first ever flight, a nervous man who was scared of flying sat next to a heavily tattooed and smelly giant of a man.

Unfortunately, during the flight the timid little fellow ended up getting physically sick. But since the large man was now fast asleep, and was between him and aisle, his way to the bathroom was blocked.

Suddenly it was too late, and he vomited all over the sleeping man. Quickly he tried t...

Q. Why was the fly so nervous at the fruit market?

A. Because he was on a date.

My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous...

I’ve never met herbivore.

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NSFW A virgin is nervous on her wedding night.

Her husband says, "don't worry there's no pressure." We'll come up with a signal when you're ready." "If you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it 100 times."

What diagnosis did the doctor give the nervous neckbeard?

A m'lady malady.

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

When I went to my interview, I poured a glass of water and it overflowed onto the table. The interviewer asked if I was nervous and I said no -

I always give it 110%

I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise...

... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

What do nervous carpenters do?

Bite their nails

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the bishop how he had done.

The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice.

At the beginning of t...

Why don’t they build nervous systems on robots?

They would rather give the robot a confident system.

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A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner

table with his girlfriend's entire family. The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" th...

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence retu...

guys, someone from HR asked me to sign up for the company 401k and i'm really nervous

i don't think i can run that far

Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste?

Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.

I'm sorry.

What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

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A son catches his dad fucking his mom one night. He gets told by his dad to go back to bed with a nervous laugh. Dad goes to check up on his son after sometime only to find him fucking his grandmother.

Son says: Not so funny when it's your mother innit?

Why does a nervous wasp support the Russian invasion of Ukraine?

Cagey Bee

What do you call it when an anti-vaxxer has a nervous breakdown?

Polio

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

I told my wife how nervous I was about hosting the talk on unhealthy relationships.

"I'm terrified of public speaking," I told her, "but my friend gave me a good tip: he said I should imagine the crowd naked."

My wife said, "No, you're only allowed to imagine me naked."

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

Doctor: Don’t be nervous Jeff, it’s gonna be a quick surgery.

Patient: But my name isn’t Jeff..

Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

Why did the Insect MMA manager get nervous?

His fly was down.

I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans.

Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The docto...

What does the avatar get when he’s nervous?

He gets Aang-xious!

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson.

The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is he had his parachute on.
The bad news is he hit the ground befo...

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

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I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

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They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

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A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's to poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her. He walks over and asks her if...

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I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

Parents of 12 year old gravel pits are always nervous...

The quarry teens are notoriously awful.

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

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The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams,...

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(A little long) There was a man who had just been booked into prison for the first time and was visibly nervous

A veteran inmate who has been there a while saw the newbie and went over and said “Hey, I can tell you’re new here and you’re nervous but prison is alright.”


The newbie responded “yeah?”


“Of course,” responded the vet. “Like for example do you like golfing?”


The new...

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My girlfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, I was understandably nervous

She told me a small penis was fine

I still wish she didn't have one at all

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

Nervous about flying

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it
didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll tak...

My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff.

It's so nerve-wracking.

[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.

On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."

So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

Why is Satan's barber always nervous?

Because last time he messed up there was hell toupee.

I was so nervous having to present my proposal to the board of directors that I ended up constipated.

Luckily, motion passed.

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What did one nervous boob say to the other nervous boob?

“If we don’t get some support people are gonna think we’re nuts.”

Why was the sentence nervous?

It missed its period

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Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

Why was the calendar nervous?

It’s days were numbered

My Native American girlfriend was nervous the first time she invited me back to her place

She had her reservations

My wife claims that she can wax off my chest hair without causing any pain, but I’m a little nervous.

I don’t think she will be able to pull it off.

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

Men with neck tattoos used to make me nervous.

Now they make me lattes.

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

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Found out my wife is pregnant with twin boys. I was nervous, but she's not. I guess I gotta hand it to her...

...she's got more balls than I do.

A nervous man walks into the bar

He goes to the counter and starts eating the nuts. Suddenly he hears a voice say “you’re handsome” coming from the countertop, he looks around to find the source of the voice, but is unable to do so.

He continues eating the nuts when the voice once again says “you have nice hair.”

The ...

How can you tell if an arrow is nervous?

See if it quivers.

What did the nervous cherry say?

I have a pit in my stomach.

Last night I hooked up with a girl I met at a club. She seemed nervous about going back to my place, so I told her a few jokes to help her relax.

I lolled her into a false sense of security.

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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

A nervous kid brings condoms to the counter for the first time.

The clerk says, "That'll be $4.29 with tax."

The kid looks startled and says, "Is *that* how you keep them on?"

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

I was really nervous about planting my first orchard

Until I finally just grew a pear

I get so nervous during earthquakes

that I start shaking uncontrollably

My sister started sobbing because she’s nervous about entering the job market with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

Blind dates make me so nervous.

I'm always afraid she's going to hit me with that stick.

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

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The most nervous person in the world

Is Gordon Ramsey's wife before he eats her pussy

I told my friend I was really nervous about going into space

But my friend said I would rock it

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

A very nervous man goes to his doctor

“Mr Wilson,” “the doctor says, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Well doc, a couple months ago I came home from work and caught my wife in bed with another man! In anger I took my gun and went to kill him, but he stopped me and said ‘Hey, hey, hey, come on now, there’s no need for that. Let’s...

Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.


"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.


"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicag...

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase

He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerla...

What do you call it when you're constantly nervous that there is an antivaxxer out to steal your kids?

Karenoid.

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.

I’ll put a patio on them later.

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

What did the bridge say to the nervous iron worker?

Truss me.

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.

The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"

The supervisor, unfazed, replies, “No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."

I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...

but I lost my job as a middle school teacher

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL PEOPLE OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION

BOO!!!!

I signed up for my company’s 401k, but I’m nervous

I’ve never ran that far before

A very nervous woman on her first Aeroplane flight, asked the stewardess, how often do planes crash?

Stewardess replies.

Only once..

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

Do not Get Nervous

Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?

Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."

Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?

Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!

When my three-years-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"

My wife was getting nervous about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”

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Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.



They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the...

What did the nervous judge say to his dentist?

Do you swear that you will work with the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Why was the mint jelly so nervous?

Because it was always on the lamb.

I was so nervous for my colonoscopy..

During the procedure, the doctor had both hands on my shoulders.

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"

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