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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

I like to bring a booklet of jokes whenever I sit down to join a conversation at a table,

because as soon as it is my turn to start talking,
I can lay my booklet down and begin my statement by saying:

"Jokes aside, ..."

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

Whenever I'm feeling down at work

I spray my Pakistani colleague in the face with some furniture polish.



It never fails to brighten Mahmood.

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, “I’m going to make you pay!”

I never want to play Monopoly with him again!

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

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Whenever I have sex it's like playing a game of hide or seek.

I'm always the one who yells: Ready or Not Here I Cum!

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

I'm horrible at funerals.

Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when ...

When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore.

I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

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I watch ghost videos whenever i take a poo

They scare the shit out of me

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

What did Wilford Brimley get whenever he ate Taco Bell?

Diarrhetus.

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

Whenever I see some initials carved into a tree with some hearts, I also think it's romantic.

Two lovers on a date in the wood and one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

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Whenever I am asked if I am a breast or thigh guy, I always tell them I am mostly in to anal...

Which always ends in me being asked to leave the KFC!

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night…

when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the sta...

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I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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I get really horny whenever I eat pasta

the doctor said I got a fetishini

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

Whenever I try to eat healthy,

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

whenever i needed help, my Mexican friend is always there for me.

He is Juan hell of a guy.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem...

I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

Whenever I was at a wedding my grandma always used to say "Your next!"

She wasn't happy when I said the same thing at her friend's funeral

Whenever people ask me how my love life is going

I tell them I'm holding my own.

Whenever I say I'm going to charge my phone, my mam says: "With what? Murder?!"

When will she accept it didn't cause the accident

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

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My next door neighbour really gets upset at his wife whenever she’s sunbathing nude.

Personally, I am on the fence.

A dad buys a lie detector

He tells his son. This will beep whenever you lie. Where where you? The son says "I was at school" the lie detector beeps. The son says "ok, I was at the sinema with my friends" the lie detector beeps. He says OK I WAS AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE!!! we where drinking and doing drugs" the lie detector does n...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

Whenever I hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can.

I don't want any unlucky people working for me.

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in t...

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So...

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

Whenever my young son cries too much,

I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

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The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

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My mother has the biggest boobs in the world

My mom always get raging mad whenever I mention that she has the world biggest boobs. She tells me that is improper to be introducing my two brothers to strangers like that and I should instead introduce them by their proper names.

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands...

Those were my Holland days...

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, “I’m Mr. Anderson’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."

At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson’s daughter?"

Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

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A man is sitting next to a woman...

A man is sitting next to a woman. man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes la...

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

A curious child asked his father

Child: Daddy why your hairs are getting grey day by day?

Father ( thought for a second and said) : Whenever you do anything that makes me unhappy one of my hair turns grey.

Child: Oh, Know i understand why grandpa's hair is all grey.

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

I have ocd so whenever someone say "tho"

I always respond with "ugh"

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Whenever i see someone struggling, i think of what my grandfather used to tell me..

Hurry the fck up you useless piece of shit

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter.

I'm just giving them my two scents.

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An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

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Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These days whenever I browse the most popular videos on Pornhub I have to ask myself...

What's this world cumming to?

Whenever my son puts on a cloak he starts running around like a male cow.

He's in cape a bull.

How to respond to your ex

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Food for thought

Whenever you blow a dandelion, you actually give it a bj since you help it to get rid of its seeds

My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

Two guys keep getting thrown out of bars.

'You LUNATIC! What is that, five times now!? Whenever we're out drinking, if the bartender's got a rifle or a pistol or whatever, you try to steal it! And we both get thrown out! What is WRONG with you!?'

'Well, I'm a smart shopper.'

'WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?'...

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

I hate fencing. Whenever I check Reddit after I parry...

It’s always a riposte.

I love my pet unicorn

He comes to support me whenever I regret taking my LSD.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m about to sneeze with food in my mouth, I always have existential conversation about whither I should chew the food or sneeze it out.

I end up doing the same thing every fucking time:

I chew.

I used to sing whenever I had a problem.

Until I realized my voice is worse than the problem.

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My dad does this really inappropriate joke where he closes his eyes whenever a Stevie Wonder song comes on.

Fucking nightmare when his songs are on the car radio.

This guy had a magic door

This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging a...

People always pointed at me and said "You're Next!" whenever there was a wedding

So I started doing the same to them whenever I met them during funerals



-An old joke, hopefully made you giggle if you hadn't heard it

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

Whenever my wife asks me to clean the kitchen, I show her funny videos until she forgets she asked

But now she says she's had enough of my delaying TikToks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee calls his boss to say he can't work because he's sick today. The boss said "Whenever I'm sick, I fuck my wife. Try that?"

Later that day, the employee called his boss and said "I feel a lot better now! Thanks for the tip! By the way, you have a nice house!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

Once upon a time in the Caribbean...

Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was...

My FIL's favorite line, whenever he heard that someone was pregnant:

"Do they know what's causing it?"

Boy: Sweety, ya know.. My time slows down whenever I'm around you..

Girl (physicist): YOU MEAN I'M FAT??

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which franchise has the most anticipated final installment for their trilogy?

Christianity, the return of Christ, coming to cinemas near you whenever god feels like it

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush

So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it

Torture

The Gestapo bring in their best torturer, to break three important prisoners who won't spill the beans.

The torturer breaks the first guy in a couple of days.

The second one is harder to break, so the torturer watches him at night, to see what he's doing in his cell. He discovers tha...

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

*Sometimes I even let her in.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

i hate it whenever i try to be nice and hold a door open for people

and then they just scream and fly out of the plane, like, what the hell?

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