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My girlfriend would always masturbate with fruit whenever she is upset!

One day when i decided to tell her I couldn't take it anymore.. she went Fucking Bananas!!

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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Whenever I have sex it's like playing a game of hide or seek.

I'm always the one who yells: Ready or Not Here I Cum!

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

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Little Johnny and Little Dick were the best of friends. However, whenever Little Johnny visited his friend's house in order to call him out to play, Little Dick's mother would turn him down, stating:

"It's indecent of my son to hang out!"

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

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I watch ghost videos whenever i take a poo

They scare the shit out of me

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

What did Wilford Brimley get whenever he ate Taco Bell?

Diarrhetus.

Whenever I see some initials carved into a tree with some hearts, I also think it's romantic.

Two lovers on a date in the wood and one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore.

I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

Whenever I feel tired, I go over to my computer and press F5.

It's just so refreshing.

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I get really horny whenever I eat pasta

the doctor said I got a fetishini

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I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

Whenever I smoke weed in the middle of the day, I like to dress up like a cowboy.

Because it’s about to be high noon.

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Whenever I am asked if I am a breast or thigh guy, I always tell them I am mostly in to anal...

Which always ends in me being asked to leave the KFC!

Whenever I try to eat healthy,

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

Whenever I say I'm going to charge my phone, my mam says: "With what? Murder?!"

When will she accept it didn't cause the accident

Whenever I was at a wedding my grandma always used to say "Your next!"

She wasn't happy when I said the same thing at her friend's funeral

whenever i needed help, my Mexican friend is always there for me.

He is Juan hell of a guy.

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

Whenever people ask me how my love life is going

I tell them I'm holding my own.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

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My next door neighbour really gets upset at his wife whenever she’s sunbathing nude.

Personally, I am on the fence.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands...

Those were my Holland days...

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

My friend has this strange condition that makes him sneeze whenever someone greets him.

He reckons it's Heyfever.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

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Whenever i see someone struggling, i think of what my grandfather used to tell me..

Hurry the fck up you useless piece of shit

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her

Whenever I hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can.

I don't want any unlucky people working for me.

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, “I’m Mr. Anderson’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."

At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson’s daughter?"

Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music!

Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of Verdigo.

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The cheapskate painter

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid a...

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

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These days whenever I browse the most popular videos on Pornhub I have to ask myself...

What's this world cumming to?

Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter.

I'm just giving them my two scents.

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Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

I hate fencing. Whenever I check Reddit after I parry...

It’s always a riposte.

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

I have ocd so whenever someone say "tho"

I always respond with "ugh"

I used to sing whenever I had a problem.

Until I realized my voice is worse than the problem.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

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Whenever I’m about to sneeze with food in my mouth, I always have existential conversation about whither I should chew the food or sneeze it out.

I end up doing the same thing every fucking time:

I chew.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

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My dad does this really inappropriate joke where he closes his eyes whenever a Stevie Wonder song comes on.

Fucking nightmare when his songs are on the car radio.

Whenever I'm afraid of Corona, I remind myself of my mom's six sisters.

So many auntie bodies...

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

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A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm.

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm. He reaches into the front pocket of his jacket and pulls out a hundred dollar bill and asks for three drinks.

The bartender puts the drinks on the bar and immediately, a tiny man runs out over, climbs up the bar and kicks over his dri...

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

People always pointed at me and said "You're Next!" whenever there was a wedding

So I started doing the same to them whenever I met them during funerals



-An old joke, hopefully made you giggle if you hadn't heard it

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An employee calls his boss to say he can't work because he's sick today. The boss said "Whenever I'm sick, I fuck my wife. Try that?"

Later that day, the employee called his boss and said "I feel a lot better now! Thanks for the tip! By the way, you have a nice house!"

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

My FIL's favorite line, whenever he heard that someone was pregnant:

"Do they know what's causing it?"

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

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A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

Boy: Sweety, ya know.. My time slows down whenever I'm around you..

Girl (physicist): YOU MEAN I'M FAT??

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

In a Bar a hostess was putting up a show..She kept taking of layers of her clothes, Whenever she removed a layer, people clapped like mad. In the end, she removed the last layer, But nobody clapped..

...Because nobody can clap with 1 hand

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful..

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful.


The redhead goes first and says, "My husband is this forgetful, whenever he goes to get grocery he forgets groceries and only brings the recipt."


Then brunette intercepted her, "My husband is...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

Local man reportedly addicted to brake fluid,

Says he can stop whenever he wants.

Whenever you feel that your job is useless

Remember that there are people out there who's job it is to install turn signals on BMWs.

Whenever I floss my teeth...

...I'm simply amazed at all the blood that gets stuck between them.

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So there was this guy who...

... Had a 50 centimeter long penis and couldn't get a woman because it was just too much for them. So he goes to a witch who tells him to go in the forest and talk to a magical frog. Whenever the frog would answer a question with a "no" his penis would shrink 10 centimeters.

He finds the frog...

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts...

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My wife always gets mad whenever she’s on top during sex

It’s a force of habit every time I fuck up.

i hate it whenever i try to be nice and hold a door open for people

and then they just scream and fly out of the plane, like, what the hell?

Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

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After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush

So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

I'm nervous whenever I get on the plane.

This one flight was particularly bad and full of turbulence. With my stomach bouncing up and down, I started to feel queasy, so I started reading the newspaper to distract me. However, the inevitable happened and I ending up with my breakfast all over the Times. The flight attendant stopped by and I...

Whenever I call out of my shift.

I always got my bed sheets to cover me.

Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

*Sometimes I even let her in.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So you knows how you are supposed to say "no homo" whenever you are in an intimate situation with an other guy, so it isn't gay.

Well, that's pretty difficult to do with a dick in your mouth!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

Whenever I asked my dad if we could have pets, he said no.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

Whenever I hear someone say that stories change slightly when re-told by different people

I wonder what exactly happened to Jesus Christ.

Whenever someone gives you a tough time or is being ignorant tell them.

That the most surefire way to commit suicide is to jump from their ego, to their IQ

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