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Whenever Jokes

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...

... she just spits it out.

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Whenever I pick my nose...

>!I'm the boogeyman. !<

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I'm not that sexy but whenever I get naked in the bathroom..

I turn the shower on.

Whenever I need to code..

BASIC is my go to language.

Whenever I see a joke on this sub

I feel like I’ve reddit before

Whenever I tell dad jokes

he laughs.

Whenever someone asks me my pronouns

I tell them I just get by with the amateur ones.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me."

You reply with "That's the point."

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

What kind of doctor has to show up whenever they're needed, day or night?

An on-callogist

Whenever I get sad I just put vodka in an elevator.

It really lifts my spirits.

Whenever I try and eat healthy...

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

Whenever you feel sad...



It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!

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Whenever you audibly fart

Turn to whose ever in earshot and say

“Did you hear what that asshole said? They’re talking shit behind my back!”

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

What does a necrophiliac get whenever he goes to a funeral?

Mourning wood.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...

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Whenever someone tells me "Make yourself at home"

I find the nearest computer, Google some porn, remove all my clothes and start masturbating

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard

That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Strangely, my son farts a lot whenever it's Halloween.

That's why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.

Whenever my dog goes into the water he doesn't sw, he just floats there

He's a good buoy

Whenever someone asks me what kind of car do I drive, I tell them,

"I drive the car that Jesus drove." This usually gets confused looks and once and a while, an nuh-uh. I tell them I'm serious. "In the bible, Jesus says, I do not speak of my own Accord."

whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket

i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.

Whenever I’m leaving a party, I write my name on a piece of paper, and hand it to the host.

That’s my signature move.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

My wizard girlfriend makes me wear a necklace that teleports me to her whenever she wants

I guess she's become code-pendant

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

I try to use big words whenever I can...

Sometimes it backfires, but usually I end up looking really photosynthesis.

In the age of streaming, I don't get why I have to watch re-runs from the 60/70s whenever I turn on the TV

Inflation going rampant, NASA going to the moon, Russia/US on the brink of war.....

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Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

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Whenever I go bowling....

I enter my name as "3 testicles".

That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 testicles! You got a spare!"

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

*Sometimes I even let her in.*

whenever I go to bed all I can do is stand up.

I wish I was lying.

Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse

I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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I get really horny whenever I eat pasta

the doctor said I got a fetishini

Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.

That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Whenever my young son cries too much,

I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

Whenever I floss my teeth...

...I'm simply amazed at all the blood that gets stuck between them.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore.

I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

Whenever John’s daughter was sad, he found out to cheer her up he’d put out some paper and crayons.

After about fifteen minutes, his daughter would be all right again. But lately, she has been very clingy. So leaving the paper and crayons on the table didn’t work when she wasn’t happy.

“Tell you what,” John said, “If I’m gonna be carrying you now more often, I will give you a shoulder to ...

I find it really embarrassing that whenever anyone visits my house, the dog starts sniffing their crotch.

Especially, as it is a Chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

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I watch ghost videos whenever i take a poo

They scare the shit out of me

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever i play FPS games

Whenever i play FPS games i feel like a necrophiliac

Cause im always fucking dead.

What did Wilford Brimley get whenever he ate Taco Bell?

Diarrhetus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

Whenever Batman sees a women

Dark Knight rises.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

Whenever people ask me how my love life is going

I tell them I'm holding my own.

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

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Whenever I have sunburn I take viagra

It doesn't soothe the pain but it keeps to bed sheets off my legs

Whenever I call out of my shift.

I always got my bed sheets to cover me.

whenever i needed help, my Mexican friend is always there for me.

He is Juan hell of a guy.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

I used to sing whenever I had a problem.

Until I realized my voice is worse than the problem.

Whenever someone hits me, i pee myself

Weird reflex but ok

Whenever I go out fishing with my girls...

I catch fish really quickly and really well

They say I am the Master-Baiter

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

I hate fencing. Whenever I check Reddit after I parry...

It’s always a riposte.

Whenever you see four Catholics congregating,

You'll always see a fifth.

My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

Whenever a stranger in public calls my daughter “princess...”

I order them to bow before me, for I am apparently their King.

Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

My FIL's favorite line, whenever he heard that someone was pregnant:

"Do they know what's causing it?"

Whenever you hear someone say...

...Bush did 9/11. Simply tell them "Don't JUMP to conclusions."

Thanks /u/Hammi1

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

"Whenever one door closes, another opens."

"Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."


"No, I live in a haunted house."

Whenever I travel I like to open a window.

The airline strongly disagrees.

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