UPJOKE
whateverthatwhatbutthemanythingeverywhereuponanybodyhimsomebodyallwhereanyonenothing

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . .

. . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

Whenever I try and eat healthy...

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

Strangely, my son farts a lot whenever it's Halloween.

That's why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“Yeah, I play a little guitar!"

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Whenever someone tells me "Make yourself at home"

I find the nearest computer, Google some porn, remove all my clothes and start masturbating

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

I find it really embarrassing that whenever anyone visits my house, the dog starts sniffing their crotch.

Especially, as it is a Chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

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I wish my wife would use her hands a bit more whenever we have sex.

She wouldn't get so many carpet burns on her face.

A bunch of guys who sit around all day saying jokes got tired of repeating the same jokes, so they decided to number the jokes. Whenever one of them wanted to say a joke, he'd just say "Number 32", for example, and they'd all bust out laughing

One day one of the guys stood up and shouted "Number 54", as usual they all laughed. One guy though, laughed hysterically, slapped his knee, and had tears streaming down his face.



One of his friends asked him: "What's going on? Why did you laugh like this?"



He replied: ...

What does a necrophiliac get whenever he goes to a funeral?

Mourning wood.

Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

So my blind date said "Tell me something quirky about yourself" and I said "Whenever I'm talking to someone and I think they're a waste of time, I start blethering on about Russian tanks"

She said "Wow, that's actually kind of weird" and I said "Yeah, but actually, the T-34 and the KVs really gave the Germans a shock in 1941".

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

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I have a special set of trainers that always seem to give me a sore throat whenever I wear them.

They're my hoarse shoes.

whenever I go to bed all I can do is stand up.

I wish I was lying.

Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse

I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate

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Whenever you audibly fart

Turn to whose ever in earshot and say

“Did you hear what that asshole said? They’re talking shit behind my back!”

Whenever you feel sad...



It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!

whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket

i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

did you hear about the guy addicted to brake fluid?

The man claims he can stop whenever he wants.

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

The Pope and Putin are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans over to Putin and says, “Do you know, that with one wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts for the rest of their lives, and whenever they speak of thi...

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Dinner etiquette

Chad wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kep...

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Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

I like the smell of my wife whenever she complains about justifiable points.

I think it's something to do with her fairer moans.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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Essential medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, ...

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

clever dog

Bloke walks into a pub and sees a dog playing poker with 3 men. "He must be a clever dog" the bloke says, "not really" says the barman "whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail"

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Go Back To Africa

is what I say whenever I see a White Rhino.

Son

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father. "The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace. "The third Catholic mot...

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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A woman goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me?”

The doctor replied, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he de...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Before my abusive father left, he was really enthusiastic about vacuuming

He would always say "Whenever I look at your face I want you to Dyson"

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

A man decided one day to go fishing on a lake located inside a protected national park...

When he gets satisfied with his catch, he decides to head home. So there he is, walking through the park, fishes swimming in his bucket when suddenly the park ranger appears in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" asks the ranger.

"Oh you know, just taking a nice walk in nature en...

I like to bring a booklet of jokes whenever I sit down to join a conversation at a table,

because as soon as it is my turn to start talking,
I can lay my booklet down and begin my statement by saying:

"Jokes aside, ..."

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

three dogs...

... an American dog, a Polish dog and a Russian dog were talking. The American dog said "whenever I want meat I just bark."

The Polish dog said "what is meat?"

The Russian dog said "what is bark?"

(told by Ronnie Reagan a few decades ago...)

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Priest Peter

A priest named Peter was a really great man to God. Always faithful and hard-working. One day, he died and went to the heaven's gates. Besides him was a really drunk bus driver (like, a really bad driver) who died the same day.



Since Peter was thinking that the bus driver may not get ...

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, “I’m going to make you pay!”

I never want to play Monopoly with him again!

I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who’s responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man!!” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

Little boy keeping the shop...

A little boy was keeping his dad's shop while he was away.
There were lots of candies kept in jars for sell. They were known to be so delicious that kids couldn’t resist themselves from buying candies.
One day a passer by asked him, if he was keeping the shop, to which the boy said yes. Seei...

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

A wise man telling a young man

A wise man once told his son, 'Never marry a beautiful woman.'

The son asked, 'Why?'

The wise man answered, 'Because she can leave you whenever she wants to find someone else.'

The son said, 'Well can't an ugly woman do that too.'

'Yes', said the wise man, 'but then you ...

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore.

I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

Graffiti artist writes on the wall:

Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.

Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.

So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He clea...

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

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Whenever I have sex it's like playing a game of hide or seek.

I'm always the one who yells: Ready or Not Here I Cum!

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Whenever I am asked if I am a breast or thigh guy, I always tell them I am mostly in to anal...

Which always ends in me being asked to leave the KFC!

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

Putin consulted with a fortune teller

The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Putin asks: "Which one?”

To which the fortune teller responded, “Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!”

Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

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I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

What did Wilford Brimley get whenever he ate Taco Bell?

Diarrhetus.

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful. The redhead goes first and says, "My husband is this forgetful, whenever he goes to get grocery he forgets groceries and only brings the receipt."

Then brunette goes next, "My husband is more forgetful, He tries to search his lost phone with the torch light on his phone"


To which the blond replied, "Ya'll just amateurs, My husband is most forgetful, Everytime he goes out of the house and returns back from the office he forgets his u...

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I get really horny whenever I eat pasta

the doctor said I got a fetishini

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The fly

There was a fly hovering 12 inches above the water in a lake
A fish in the lake was watching the fly, knowing that if the fly drops six inches it could jump out of the water and catch it.
A bear hidden in the woods, was watching the fish that was watching the fly knowing that if the fly drops ...

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door

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I watch ghost videos whenever i take a poo

They scare the shit out of me

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful...

Whenever I give her an orgasm, she spits it in my face.

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

whenever i needed help, my Mexican friend is always there for me.

He is Juan hell of a guy.

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car with a big S on each side

Whenever people saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go”

Whenever people ask me how my love life is going

I tell them I'm holding my own.

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

My university professors must really like Lord of the Rings

Whenever I ask them about my grades they just say "You shall not pass"

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, “I’m Mr. Anderson’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."

At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson’s daughter?"

Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Before and after marriage

**Before**

\- I have waited this day so long!

· Will you leave me?

\- Never!

· Do you love me?

\- Of course, yes!

· Will you ever lie to me?

\- Never!

· Will you kiss me?

\- Whenever I can!

· Will you hurt me?

\- No fool!...

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

I get really emotional whenever I see escalators...

Last time I was on one, I found it moving.

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My next door neighbour really gets upset at his wife whenever she’s sunbathing nude.

Personally, I am on the fence.

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

Whenever my young son cries too much,

I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

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Getting a vasectomy soon.....

I'm saving this joke to tell my wife when I get home from the consult because she's been on me to lose weight a lot lately.


Great news, babe. The dick doc said I can jerk off WHENEVER I want.
His exact words were "You could have a stroke at any time" but I know what he meant.

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

Whenever I say I'm going to charge my phone, my mam says: "With what? Murder?!"

When will she accept it didn't cause the accident

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her

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Why don’t you grow a pear Dan?

That’s what my wife always says whenever our neighbour Bill comes home drunk at night and pisses on the pine tree in our front yard and I don’t say anything to him.
Finally I told her:
“What good will that do Helen?He’ll just probably piss on the pear too!”

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter.

I'm just giving them my two scents.

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

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Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

A man walks into his sons room with a lie detector and says…

“Son, I know you were not at school this morning. I have a lie detector, so whenever you say a lie it will beep. Understand?”

The son replied, “Look Dad, I swear I was at school!”

The lie detector beeped.

He said, “fine I was at the movies with my friends.”

The lie detec...

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Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

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