There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

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How do you keep you wife screaming after sex?

Wipe yourself off on her new curtains

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

My grandfather didn't die screaming. He died peacefully in his sleep.

Quite unlike the passengers of the bus he was driving.

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Pinnochio giving his girlfriend cunnilingus, and she's screaming, for gods sake lie to me, LIE TO ME you wooden bastard.

Pinnochio says "I love you, I'd never cheat on you"

It was at this point his girlfriend was extremely conflicted...

A lady golfer is seen running back into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...

“Where?” someone asks
“Between the 1st and the 2nd holes” she screams.
“Ohhh! I think your stance may have been a little wide” an instructor tells her.

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

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My nieghbour started shouting and screaming about me stealing clothes off her line...

I was so scared, I almost crapped her pants.

As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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What do you call a screaming penis?

Hollapeño.

My ex-girlfriend started screaming and banging on my door at 3 in the morning.

After an hour of that noise I finally got up and let her out.

You know why homeless people are always screaming on the corners?

They don't have inside voices

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

A woman wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Her husband wakes up and asks, "What happened honey?

The wife says, "Just had this awful dream where I was chased by cannibals and came upon an edge of a cliff. I had nothing to do but jump. Luckily I grabbed a little tree protruding from the cliff, and then I woke up"

The husband says...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

What do you do when you'r wife is screaming at you in the living room

Shorten the chain from the kitchen

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?”

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what t...

What's six feet tall, black and screaming?

Stevie Wonder, answering the Iron.

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