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Screaming Jokes

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

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friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I...

Yesterday my wife started screaming when i secretly sneaked into the bedroom after drinking all night with my friends

Apparently i turned up at the wrong house

My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte

I scream, you scream,

why are we screaming?

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

My wife kept screaming at me

“Give it to me give it to me!! I’m so wet right now”. I don’t care,I’m not giving up this umbrella.

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

My friend was running around screaming "I'm a yurt, I'm a tipi, I'm a yurt, I'm a tipi"

I I told him to calm down.

"You're two tents"

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off

I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?

Speed Racist.

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"

I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

Sherlock's son tugs at his robe, screaming: "Daaad, dad!"

Sherlock looks at him and says: "Watson?"

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.

"Don't go in the Church!" He cried


"it's a trap!"




"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked



"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

A patient is screaming 'I lost my leg'

The doctor calmly points out 'no you haven't, see it's right there' and points to the other side of the room

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in t...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!"

This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

As she lay there in screaming agony...

her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

One time I saw my baby brother SCREAMING at his Easter candy.

I was like what’s going on? And he says,

“I’m giving shout-outs to my Peeps!”

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

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Our philosophy professor lost his voice screaming at us today

Clearly he was putting Descartes before the hoarse

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out. She started walking faster, so I walked faster. She started running, so I started running. She started screaming, so I started screaming

I never did find out what we were running away from

My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...

Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

It’s dark and screaming

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

A lady is tied on a train track and screaming for help.

I man suddenly rushes out of nowhere and approaches the woman.

He says “Thank goodness you are still alive.
It means the 9:00 train hasn’t left yet.”

Who called it screaming?

And not Irritable Vowel Syndrome

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in labour is screaming at her husband.

He says "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass."

"But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!"

A man runs into a doctor's office screaming

A man runs into a doctor's office screaming:

Man: "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

Doctor: "Relax, sir. You're two tents."

Stress is when you wake up screaming

and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

A car, screaming down the street...

A car, screaming down the street, broadslides itself to rest on the front lawn of a house.
The driver jumps out and runs, full-bore, into the home
"Honey!", he yells up the stairs, "'Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"
She yells back down, "Oh that's wonderful!! What should I pack? Beach c...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

What is the name of the colour which is screaming?

YELLow

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

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Why do they evacuate women and children first?

You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.

(**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

The pilot is screaming: We're gonna crash!

A woman rips her blouse off and screams: "I want to be a woman one more time!"
A man rips his shirt off his chest and yells to her: "Iron my shirt too!!"

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

The lego taxi driver kept screaming

His passengers kept telling him to step on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you keep you wife screaming after sex?

Wipe yourself off on her new curtains

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?”

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