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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I feel sorry for my circus friend, the human cannonball

He just got fired

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

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How do I feel about masturbation?

Well, on the one hand it feels good...

French people don’t feel pain.

They eat it.

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I feel sorry for the magician i saw the other day...

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed “FUCK ME”

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

What's something that feels British but isn't?

The contents of the British Museum

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

This year has been so weird it feels like tomorrow isn't election day

Oh yeah I'm not American

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

So I'm walking down the road I feel something hit me on the head.

So I look around I see it's a mango.

Next thing a tub of yoghurt comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face and splashes yoghurt all over me. Then I get whacked in the neck with a banana and I take a paya-paya to the head and it knocks me out.

So I wake up and the police are the...

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Lack of sex has been making me feel incomplete. Then a girl let me touch her bum.

It’s the closest I’ve felt to hole in a long time.

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

My girlfriend’s dad loves to challenge me to games, but he likes to feel out my skill level first. This week, he asked, “so how are you at Battleship?”

“Hit or miss.”

How did the cannibal feel after defeating his girlfriend in the Colosseum?

Well, he was gladiator.



*Defeeting

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

My buddy was feeling sad and jumped into the septic tank.

He’s down in the dumps.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

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Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A man is feeling sick.

A man is feeling sick and goes to the doctor. The doctor runs many test on him and comes to him about an hour later.

"I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?"

The man exclaims,

" The good news of course!"

The doctor then says,

"Well, the good news ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

I feel that Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Donald Trump

Then again, that's like comparing apples to oranges...

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

I get the feeling that Maria is a blonde

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples.

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

When Kanye West ran for president he created his own political party called the Birthday Party. He calls it the birthday party because he says “Every day will feel like your birthday when we win”.

True story

Voting this year feels like I’m at a grocery store

And I have to pick between an orange and a vegetable

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

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He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

There is no better feeling than laying next to the person you love

And they dont know you love them, or that you’re in their house again

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s when kids feel entitled to something like...

“I want an ice cream!”

“I want a soda!”

And now he wants four more years, jeez where’s the limit.

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Have you ever wanted to feel like you own a jet?

Buy a PS4.

You think your job feels meaningless

But imagine being the guy who makes ending credits for Netflix shows

Maybe this is the wrong community to reach out to when I'm feeling helpless

I found out how to spell yoyo today... Why oh why oh...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

I hope the others don’t come back to the office too soon!

For you Lord of the Rings fans: "How did Pippin's wife feel after he made love to her?"

FULL OF A TOOK!

Her: He says no to condoms because he can't feel anything through them.

Me: What an insensitive prick!

You know how you feel when you're leaning back in a chair and you almost fall over backwards but at the last instant you catch yourself?

I feel like that all the time.

*Credit Steven Wright*

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Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people.

Therapist: Who said that?

I feel his pain.

A guy posted on here complaining about calling Florists and them not knowing anything about carpet and tile. Let me tell you that I contacted 6 Dentists and not one of them could repair the damaged fender on my car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

2020 is starting to feel like...

The game of thrones series finale we deserve

I'm feeling funny

Too bad I'm not

A Call of Duty player doesn't feel well and goes to the Doc

Doctor: What's your favorite map?




Cod player: Terminal

Doctor: What a coincidence.

psychologist: how does that make you feel?

**reverse psychologist:** ¿leef uoy ekam taht seod woh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

If you ever feel useless, just remember.....

Donald Trump has a social media advisor

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

Once John was feeling happy.

Happy then slapped him.

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The docktor!

All the dwarfs were sat in a hot tub feeling happy

So happy got up and left

There's a special feeling when you open the door and your wife is standing there in nothing but her see through negligee.

It's a better feeling, tho, when you are coming home than when you are opening the door cuz she's home but forgot her keys.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives.

In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.

And in the other life I'm a doctor.

If you're having eye spasms, I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a twitch ain't one

Saw this young child crying at work today so I tried to make him feel better and asked where his parents were.

I also lost my job at the orphanage later that day...

everyone wears crosses and I just feel like

y'know, maybe Jesus doesn’t like crosses, all things considered

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

If you ever feel like your life is meaningless

Just remember that someone out there provides Donald Trump with face masks.

I feel bad for tests

They are always cheated on

Being in Finland in these times makes me feel so good.

Lots of indoor finns.

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Do what feels right and makes you happy,

is a very wrong thing to say to a depressed Nazi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" as...

How did the depressed tree feel.

Mistreeted.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

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A old husband tells his old wife:- " can't feel anything in my butt" she says:- "are you serious?"

He says:- " i am deadass serious"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered the blackhole not knowing what its going to feel like.

I got yelled at, my wife can be very anal and controlling.

Most puns make me feel numb

Except mathematics jokes. They make me feel number.

Why does reddit feel so electric?

Because its polarized

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her hea...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I am feeling pretty good right now, that debate was a huge help.

I need to stop playing all these damn "When Trump Interrupts" Drinking Games.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you feel embarrassed at a Japanese Onsen...

Just imagine everyone in their underwear

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” I nodded and groaned, "I understand."

So I felt her breasts…

Hey girl, ever wanted to feel like the sleeping beauty?

Go to sleep, you'll be halfway there

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day.

Feeling desserted.

I feel bad for Schrodinger's cat

But at the same time I don't

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

My girlfriend was feeling down and said "I'm such a negative person what if I drive you away?"

I reassured her and said "babe, that'll never happen; I have no place else to go"

Wife: How time passes, it's our 30th anniversary tomorrow, and it still feels like we got married yesterday.

Husband: Only the prisoner feels the slow passage of time, not the jailer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my my wife if it’s possible to feel happy and sad at the same time

She said ‘well... you’ve got the biggest cock out of all your mates’

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had been feeling suicidal from some recent traumatic experiences.

I decided to seek help from a mental health professional. After some counselling, I was not recuperating, and on account of my worsening instability, they implored for me to stay at an in patient psychiatric ward facility.

During my stay, the doctors and psychiatrists informed that they were...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I feel about sex on tv?

It might be a little uncomfortable but I’ll do it if you want to.

I was feeling a little naughty, so I decided to run as fast as I could to my mailbox and grab the mail while naked

A mile in to my jog to the post office, the police stopped me.

My dad always made me feel special because he made up knock knock jokes just for me, but I couldn't always understand them.

Last time I saw him he said:

> Knock knock

Who's there?

> You're a mountain

You're a mountain, who?

> You're a mountain to nothing, son!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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