If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

My mother with dwarfism feels she is underpaid at work...

Apparently shes unsatisfied making mini Mum wage.

While most puns make me feel numb

Math puns make me feel number

had to move this to r/jokes, not oc

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I challenged my girlfriend to make me feel sad and happy at the same time

Then she said: "you have the best dick among all of your friends"

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

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I feel sorry for homophobic people

Imagine being scared of your own home

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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

This month I feel attracted to vacations.

I think it's due to the force of July.

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?

Cumpassion

I've never been sure how to feel about my interracial background

Honestly I'm a little mixed.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny...

...I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

How do I feel about the earth's rotation?

It makes my day!

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

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Wife: "Make me feel like a woman again!"

As her husband is coming back from work, the wife is exceptionally horny today and is impatiently waiting for her man's return.

Finally, the husband arrives home.

The wife sensually says:
"Honey, make me feel like a woman again!"

The husband immediately rips his shirt off and...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

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I'm not sure how I feel about masturbation

On the one hand, it's pretty great.

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

Biology makes me feel alive.

Get it? Got it? Good.

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

I feel guilty for having survived our school shooting.

However, this is probably what's to be expected if the others have no guns.

I tried injecting drugs straight into my blood stream, thinking I would feel better afterwards...

but it was all in vein.

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

"Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me."

"What do you mean by that?"

Why does Ken feel so hot?

He’s waiting in a Barbie queue.

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I'm gonna ask Marvin Gaye to come make my sofa feel better

I need some sectional healing

I feel like I’m running out of jokes...

[depleted]

I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.

I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older"

Me "when I what? "

What super hero does Mike Tyson most feel like after a long fight?

Thor

The steps in my house are making me feel self-conscious.

All they do is stair.

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

GF says I feel like a father to her

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

The way I feel about autocorrect

Is it make me say things I didn’t Nintendo

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I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

A girl feel has been feeling ugly

A girl has been feeling ugly, so she goes to her therapist and they tell her to go for a run every day, so the girl goes out, and comes back a week later, and she tells her therapist that she feels better about herself, she’s even been attracting a lot of attention the therapist says “see, I told y...

If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

Yea man, I just feel that I've been trampled on and walked over my entire life.

Anyway, my name's Mat. What's yours?

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Man invents machine to feel fellatio directly inside the brain

What happens next will blow your mind

I haven’t decided how I feel about abortion yet.

On one hand, I support it because it’s killing babies. On the other, it gives women a choice.

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

I live in a place where it feels like misery

It's Missouri

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

I finally found someone who really care about me and can spend some hours to listen me and try to make me feel better

It’s my doctor

Don’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel.

You might be too weak to raise your middle finger!

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them,

The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

If you ever feel cold, go to the corner

It's 90 degrees there

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I feel very conflicted about masturbation

Because on one hand it feels good.



And the other hand is always getting in my ass about its problems

I had problems when I was 34 and I really didn’t feel anything. Then I found mathematics.

It just made me feel number and number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a Psychopathic Murderer. I've killed hundreds. And I feel no remorse.

All these Ants need to get the fuck outta my house.

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

How would you feel if someone stole all of your organs

I would feel gutted

How did the cow feel walking through a field of wheat?

Udderly tickled.

A man walks into his therapist's office. And says "doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee"

His doctor replies "try to relax, you're two tents."

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.

All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought ...

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad!

It's so great to have a place I finally fit in.

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

when is the next time you will feel concerned and distressed about something?

Dismay.



Just thought of it... Sorry, I'll show myself out.

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Shetland Pony goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't feel well."

The Doctor says, "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say AAAHHH."
The Shetland Pony obliges. He opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue and with a raspy croaky voice says AAAHHH.
The Doctor says, "There's no need to worry. You're just a little hoarse."

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

How does Donald Trump feel about the trade war with China?

Tariff-ic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I feel bad for sewage workers

They get shit from everybody

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

I want to see and feel Spain once in my life.

But life always takes the 'S' away from it.

I just feel bad for him.

One of my nephews has suddenly started getting really good grades in math. But I'm not convinced because he has always struggled with this subject.

I know him, he's really dumb and doesn't understand a thing. Plus his gorgeous math teacher has a registered history of having affairs with stud...

Why do melons feel the need to get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

Every time there’s a blackout I feel so...

...powerless.

If you ever feel worthless....

Just remember your organs are worth a lot of money on the black market.

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral

Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa feels like a horse!

A Grandpa is talking with his grandson.

Grandpa: I'm tell you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!

Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are "getting busy"?

Grandpa: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

A PS4 doesn't feel well. We need to call the ambulance.

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

I'm developing an app that lets you customize the look and feel of 4chan when browsing.

It's called 4skin

You should feel happy if someone tells you are a nobody...

Becasuse nobody is perfect

I just told my crush how I felt and apparently she feels the same.

With her hands

Whenever I feel fat, I go into the store and buy a Mini Bic.

Each time, I get a little lighter.

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

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