If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes I feel bad for sewage workers

They get shit from everybody

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

The way I feel about autocorrect

Is it make me say things I didn’t Nintendo

My job makes me feel like a prostitute.

I'm paid whorribly

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

Why do melons feel the need to get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

If you ever feel worthless....

Just remember your organs are worth a lot of money on the black market.

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandpa feels like a horse!

A Grandpa is talking with his grandson.

Grandpa: I'm tell you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!

Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are "getting busy"?

Grandpa: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time...

I want to see and feel Spain once in my life.

But life always takes the 'S' away from it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a button which makes Jews feel pain?

An ow switch

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you ever feel like you suck

Take up a job in porn you'll do great

Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

I'm developing an app that lets you customize the look and feel of 4chan when browsing.

It's called 4skin

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

Every time there’s a blackout I feel so...

...powerless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

A PS4 doesn't feel well. We need to call the ambulance.

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

As a Chinese immigrant living in the states for a while, I can't help but feel like I'm less asian

I guess I'm just disoriented

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

Whenever I feel fat, I go into the store and buy a Mini Bic.

Each time, I get a little lighter.

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

Being kicked in the nards always makes me feel...

...testy.

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

What's the worst thing to feel in a public restroom?

Aroused

I really feel like having some pancakes...

maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

I just told my crush how I felt and apparently she feels the same.

With her hands

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what? "

Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

You should feel happy if someone tells you are a nobody...

Becasuse nobody is perfect

Sometimes, I feel like driving north

On parkway south

Why do redditors feel warmer on their cake day?

Because people keep toasting them! Or roasting them :(

How do the Mexicans feel about Trump building a wall on the boarder?

They’ll get over it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Warning - Sexist joke: Women like strong muscular men because on a primal level those men make them feel protected.......

From having to pay for anything on their own.

I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology.

Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I have sex, i feel like a superhero

Mostly because I'm wearing a mask

I'm not sure how I feel about this rash on my neck.

But it's starting to grow on me.

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

...

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

I feel most at home in a plastic surgery clinic

They don’t mind if you pick your nose there.

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife bet me that she can make me feel happy and sad at the same time.

I took the bet and she told me. “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

I totally understand how batteries feel...

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

Did you know there's a way to go 7 days without sleeping and not feel tired?

Sleep at night.

It's a great trick I highly recommend it.

Don't feel bad about losing your virginity ladies.

At least you still have the box it came in.

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

How did Mike Tyson feel after picking a fight with the God of Thunder?

Thor.

Gotta feel bad for Bears kicker Cody Parkey

He’s always been an upright guy

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

...do I keep the letters?

I feel bad for saying 21 Savage’s music was trash

I should’ve called it rubbish

When I was a kid, I would dream about how it would feel being blind.

Nothing to see, really.

How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor


Bonus joke.

How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?

Loki



I'll see myself out.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son

I've got 99 problems, but a pitch ain't 1.

With so many posts online telling me to vote, I kinda feel bad for not voting today

And I'm not even an American.

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

I went to the doctor, i told them most times i feel like a wigwam but then other times i feel like a teepee.

They said I’m two tents.

Every time someone says, "is Pepsi ok?", I feel bad

for coke. No one asks how coke's doing.

I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all.

I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?

There's no need to feel down when fat shamed.

Just keep your chins up and be the bigger man.

In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation.

They'll have parents who know how to check browser history.

Why does a shower feel good but rain feels bad?

Consent

My best friend cried all night because her dog died. To make her feel better I gave her another one just like it.

Now she has two dead dogs.

Standing 2 steps from my wife I took a step towards her and asked, "Did you feel that?"

The force of attraction between us just got four times larger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An attractive, but disturbed woman stands at the edge of a cliff. As she peers over the edge, she feels there's someone watching her. Just as she suspected, there's a homeless man staring at her. He asks, "If you're going to kill yourself anyway, you mind if we have sex first?"

She tells him to piss off and to leave her alone. Clearly upset, the man mumbles to himself, "Fine, I'll just wait at the bottom."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being a blind Virgin it's really suprising to find out what a penis feels like.

You'll never see it coming.

My wife and I will have been married 40 years today and every time I see her it still makes me feel so happy :)

She has been in the freezer for the last 20 though.

If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel about sex the same way I feel about winning the lottery

Some thing good that happens to other people

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.