The 109+ Best Feel Jokes

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

If you ever feel useless in life

Remember it is someone's job to install turn signals on BMW's

Snow White was in the bathtub, feeling sleepy.

Then he got out, so she felt Dopey instead.

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If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, its either

1. She has intimacy issues
2. She is frigid
3. She should find another seat in the bus

Some people say love is the best feeling...

But I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

I asked my dog how he was feeling today.

Poor guy said “Ruff”

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

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I feel bad for chefs.

They work so hard but everything they make turns to shit.

Why do physicists never share their feelings?

Because their feelings have no matter.

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

When my wife gave birth I didn’t feel the dad jokes kicking in,

But my brother became a comedian overnight.

If you ever feel lonely

Just watch a horror movie in the dark, you won’t feel lonely anymore

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

I feel like a hot pocket

Frozen inside and burnt out

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.

If you're having tuning problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

Did you hear that Apple will soon launch head wear that make you feel like you've gone back in time, but in an alternate universe ?

They named it iRan.

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

What do linguists do when they’re feeling naughty?

They get into some antics.

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I told my therapist that I feel like I'm living in a sitcom.

And then about 30 people laughed.

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

why do monarchs feel so important?

Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Free

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking y...

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Ladies, if you feel like your man just doesn't understand you, the best thing to do is to give him a blowjob.

It's the quickest way for him to get inside your head.

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.

He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

My job makes me feel like a dwarf toiling forever in a mine.

I owe, I owe.. so off to work I go.

When you turn 61, the next year feels like it’s only a minute long …

… because it’s your sixty-second year.

Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.

My response was, "No Matter".

When a mosquito bites me and gets away I feel like a bank that just got robbed

extra points if someone can figure out how to work "blood bank" into this joke. nobody robs blood banks so...

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My buddy feels like life's always peeing on him

He's a real pissimist.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet....

Because I over ate.

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

Running feels great

Until you compare it with not running

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

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My wife says she feels like a dog...

I said "that makes sense, you've been a real bitch lately..."
Now I don't get to see my son.

What is it called when being in Top One Percent doesn't feel special?

Reddit Recap 2022.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

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First time I had sex I thought

'Mmm, this feels expensive'

Walked by the YMCA yesterday

A teenage boy was sat there stroking a duck.
I said "young man, there's no need to feel down..."

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

What's something that feels British but isn't?

The contents of the British Museum.

A man walks a boy into the woods. The boy say he mister it’s getting really dark and im scared

The man replied how do you think I feel I need to walk back alone

why does everyone feel the need to defend people in wheelchairs?

Honestly, let them stand up for themselves.

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".

Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;

"I can't give you a pint of ...

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”

-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

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There should be an emergency room just for embarrassing injuries so you don't have to feel judged. Just Genitals and Buttholes.

Call it the Pee/Nut/Butt ER

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

How did Musk feel after banning everyone from Twitter?

All Elone :(

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

A blonde sits next to a professor on a plane

The flight gets longer and longer and the professor looks over at the blonde and makes a deal with her

They will tell eachother a riddle. If she can solve his she gets 500 dollars and if he can solve hers he gets only 5 dollars. The blonde feeling she has nothing to lose gives her riddle
<...

Started teaching myself braille by reading a horror story.

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair

I told her I had noticed but hadn’t wanted to say anything..

She asked me where had I noticed it?

I told her that her mustache seemed thinner…

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

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Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane

You know who I feel bad for?

The guy in the middle seat.

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How is studying similar to masturbating?

If you do it a lot of times a day it's not gonna be very hard. And when you finish it feels great

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I’m opening a Tom Petty themed Japanese Restaurant

It’ll be called, “Udon, know how it feels”

A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve,

“Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

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Feeling good

A wise man once said: If you keep your hand in your pocket, you will feel cocky all day.

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently." Puzzled, I asked...

"Is that one word or two?"

Why are French bakers so masochistic?

They just knead to feel some pain.

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

Someone stole my book bag today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

My wife knows I’ve been cheating.

She found the letters that I’ve been hiding around the house.

She says she is upset. She says she is angry. She feels disappointed, let down an hurt.

She’s lost trust and doesn’t know how we can get past it.

Worst of all though, she says she doesn’t know if she can ever play Sc...

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

If you ever feel useless...

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

the Taliban

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

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I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…

The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.

What's the worst thing a girl can hear when she starts dating a doctor?...

"Ok, you're gonna feel a little prick..."

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
<...

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched:

I want you to know that you are not alone.

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

I really feel lonely and alone after an intense break up with my girlfriend.

I have no one to talk about it, not even with my wife.

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

A fly feels a bug on its back!

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I mite be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

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Snow White and the Prince decided to buy the Seven Dwarfs a hot tub.

They all got in and started feeling Happy. So he got out and left, now they're all fucking Grumpy.

I feel kinda sorry for overweight dominatrixes

....always getting picked last for kickballs

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.

He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Horrible lie

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

A man goes to the bar and sees a dirty old man outside, fishing in the ditch with a stick and a string.

Feeling pity for the invalid, he invites him into the bar and buys him a drink. The man is grateful and repeatedly thanks him.

"You were fishing outside, have you caught anything?" he asks the old man jokingly.

He replies, smiling. "Yes! You are the seventh today!"

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Man goes to The Circus of Pagliacci

He doesn't laugh. At the end of the show Pagliacci ask him why he didn't laugh. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Pagliacci says, 'I think you should see a doctor.' Man bursts into tears....

How did Spartacus feel after a lion ate his wife?

He was gladiator

Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired

He had been a busy deity lately.

Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation.

“Where?" rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!"

“Well" replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there."

“Ohh no! Not Earth!" says God, "I went ...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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