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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy

Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

What do you call a cow that can't feel pain?

A c

Sorry, mom. I hope dad would feel the same way

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

Why should you never ask a tailor how he's feeling?

Because he's always just sew sew.

My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni right now...

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He had 7 dudes on stage, all hypnotized, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*** ME".
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

How do trees feel in the Spring?

Relieved.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

How did the lion feel after becoming a cannibal?

Full of pride.

If you ever feel cold, sit in the corner

It's always 90 degrees there

Why'd the male Jewish dog feel the need to study up on his Hebrew?

He was about to celebrate his bark mitzvah :3

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

Why do blonde women feel so persecuted by Covid?

They heard that super spreaders are the problem.

How to not feel alone

Step 1: wait until its 1 am

Step 2: dim the lights

Step 3: watch a horror movie

Step 4: enjoy the feeling of not feeling alone!

LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back.

She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now

They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that

There are prose and cons

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TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

I feel like an 'IOT'

Someone stole my ID.

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If you ever feel useless

Remember Reddit has sex bots

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans.

Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."

"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now? “

“Of course."

The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,

"Oh i see! You forgot to rem...

Just remember this if you ever feel poor:

Your closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos ever will.

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A hawk is feeling horny...

The first partner he meets is a dove.


He pulls her into the bushes and there's a bunch of shaking and rustling sounds. A few minutes later, they both come out looking happy.


The dove says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved."


The hawk is still horny, though, ...

Q: How did the tree feel in the spring?

A: Releaved.

What do you say to a person with scoliosis when they are feeling unconfident?

Tell them to put their back into it.

Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge.

I'm just sentencing 24/7.

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

The wife and I were getting frisky this morning and I asked her to use her hand to make me feel good

...so she counted out the number of hours left until Trump is no longer President.

Want to know how someone with foot fungus feels?

Just step into their shoes.

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I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

I feel sorry for my circus friend, the human cannonball

He just got fired

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

You know that you're getting old when it feels like 'the morning after'.....

.....but, there was no 'night before."

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Pull yourself together man

A man is feeling ill, so he goes to see a doctor.

The doctor runs some tests and returns with a grave face.

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but this is terminal. You don't have long to live.

Man: What? No! How could this happen? I have a wife and child! Tell me doc, how long do I have left?

Doctor: 10...

Man: Ten months? That'...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

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With our love life no longer feeling passionate, I asked my wife to go camping

It helped. The sex was in tents.

I still don't know how i feel about abortion

On the one hand, I am in favor, since this is the murder of children.
On the other hand, I am against it, because it gives women the right to choose.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them.

The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...

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I don't know how to feel about elevator jokes

They really push my buttons...

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

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Patient: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately"

Doctor: "so the new treatment for your compulsive masturbation works after all"

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...

I think I should look for a new dentist....

What's something that feels British but isn't?

The contents of the British Museum

A match is feeling suicidal.

So it scratches its head.

Oh that feeling

Autocorrect is my worst Enima.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

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How do I feel about masturbation?

Well, on the one hand it feels good...

I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain.

I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"


He said it was actually a mes.

How does it feel to be a vacuum cleaner?

It sucks.

One girl just told me she has feelings for me

As examples she mentioned irritation and vicarious embarrassment.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

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What does the farmer say to his wife when he’s feeling sexy?

Brown Chicken Brown Cow

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

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I wasted $24.99 on a dinky plastic ring that's supposed to show how I'm feeling.

That's the last time I shop at Whole Moods.

I feel I'm quite a cosmopolitan man, so I'm not phased if I have to buy sanitary products

But, apparently, they're not a 'proper' present

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

I feel so self-conscious when I'm at home

It's difficult dealing with all the *stairs*

A teenager is feeling insecure about his looks.

His mom tries to convince him that he's a beautiful boy, but he keeps answering that she can't say anything objective because she's his mom. At some point, the mom has enough and tells him :

- You know what? I wanted to go see my old friend Sabrina who didn't see you in like 10 years with you...

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do...

This year has been so weird it feels like tomorrow isn't election day

Oh yeah I'm not American

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Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ...

In the other hand, however.

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

French people don’t feel pain.

They eat it.

So I'm walking down the road I feel something hit me on the head.

So I look around I see it's a mango.

Next thing a tub of yoghurt comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face and splashes yoghurt all over me. Then I get whacked in the neck with a banana and I take a paya-paya to the head and it knocks me out.

So I wake up and the police are the...

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

A man receives a message from a neighbour.

"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day ...

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples.

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Whenever I feel tired, I go over to my computer and press F5.

It's just so refreshing.

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What costs $3,000, gives you a ride, and says it'll make you feel better but you know it won't?

A good prostitute and an ambulance from America.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist ...

My girlfriend’s dad loves to challenge me to games, but he likes to feel out my skill level first. This week, he asked, “so how are you at Battleship?”

“Hit or miss.”

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