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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

If you ever feel like your job is pointless...

Just remember that someone out there is in charge of installing turn signals on a BMW.

How did the trees feel when winter was finally over

Releafed

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

I feel sad a lot...

Even my cake is in tiers

I was feeling unhealthy so I started eating vegan, but I haven't lost any weight...

Turns out vegans have just as many calories as cows.

How does 69 feel to the average Redditor?

nice

When you feel like you're ugly, stupid and have no redeeming traits....

Don't wallow in despair; at least you have sound judgement.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

I think I mistakenly slept with my girlfriend's twin and I feel horrible

I didn't realize it until he took off his condom.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining.” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing.” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining.” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

How do you feel about the prison library?

It has its prose and cons.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

I had the time of my life in quarantine. I did what i wanted, when i wanted. Now that things are opening up where i live, i have to go back to work and feel obligated to hang out with friends.

I feel like my freedoms are being taken away!
Wake up!

I always feel sad when I use my step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder.

I was feeling anxious about the future today, but then I updated Microsoft Office

It improved my outlook.

When you feel down, just remember that you are never really completely useless...

You can always serve as a bad example.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

I feel so bad for homeless LGBTQ people

They have no closet to come out of

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

I'm getting pretty old and I can feel myself slowing down, so I made a bucket list:

1) Change the "b" to an "f"

(-Jerry Seinfeld, sort of)

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

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The Rapist: And how does that make you feel

Patient: WHAT? Who the hell—

Therapist: Sorry, sorry. Typo...

What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand?

A toothbrush

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

Twenty years ago I used to feel like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body

but then I finally decided to come out of my mum and I was born.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

With all that's going on, I don't feel very funny lately.

Fortunately my looks make up for that. UNfortunately you can't see me.

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People always ask me how I feel about the gays.....

They’re awesome. Not only they leave more women for us, they take another guy with them.

What does a mime do when feeling neglected?

Acts out.

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I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

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I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses

It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business.

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I understand that the doctor needs to feel my wife's boobs

But at the dinner table, it's just rude

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When I awoke after my operation, my nurse said "you may not feel anything from the waist down."

So I caressed her breasts.

English puns make me feel numb,

But math puns make me feel number.

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently." Puzzled, I asked...

"I see. Is that one word or two?"

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

People who go out of their way to find the same joke 3 years ago just to make someone feel bad that their joke wasn’t original despite the OP just wanting people to laugh

To those people: you are the joke

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

Wondering how anti-vaxxers feel about a coronavirus vaccine...

...I bet they're dying for it.

Feel like dying?

Go to the living room.

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

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So my mate rubs his hands over my freshly shaved head and laughs "Feels just like my wife's arse!"

I rubbed my hands over my head and blinked in surprise. "You're right, it absolutely does."

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8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas.

I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour!

Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...

"I just want to get back to Nermal."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

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What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex?

a cab

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen.
I can feel it.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep

or if you operated on the right patient.

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I was feeling happy today.

Then my dumb ass browsed the news headlines.

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

I feel like I can always tell when there’s an Australian commenting on my Reddit posts.

Have you ever... ever felt like this?

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares

It's nice to have some company

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

I WAS feeling lonely

until I glued my coffee cup onto my car, now, everyone waves at me..

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Why didn't the jewellery store owner feel like eating?

Because they'd lost there apitite

A man in Soviet Russia asks, another, "How do you feel about Comrade Stalin?" The second replies, "I feel the same way you do."

The first man replies, "Then I'm going to have to report you."

I’m feeling optimistic

Tomorrow’s going to be a Good Friday.

I always have mixed feelings when I see Mad World memes

On one hand, I find it kinda funny...

How to not feel sad when you are friend-zoned?

Asking for a friend.

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I feel like I should leave a note to the hotel maid explaining that I have severe allergies and that the used tissues aren't from masturbating constantly. But I don't leave a note.

Because I feel bad lying to her.

They: "Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?"

Me: "When I what?"

Feeling lonely during quarantine?

Go watch a horror movie.

Maybe if I develop feelings for COVID-19 it will leave.

It always happens with girls.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

How did the man feel when his doctors visit was canceled?

Dis-appointed

If you feel cold.

Try standing in a corner. After all, they are usually 90 degrees.

I feel famous

This entire subreddit is about me.

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

It's my quilty pleasure.

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How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

A guy goes to the doctor, feeling slightly unwell.

He goes in and asks the doctor if he can do some tests to see what it is.

The doctor comes back 10 minutes later and says, "Good news: you have a rare disease. Bad news, you have a rare disease."

The guy asks,"So what is it? What's the disease called?"

The doctor says,"Your choi...

Doctor, Docter! I feel like a pair of curtains!

Pull yourself together

I was coughing and started to feel like I had a fever. I typed in my symptoms into the computer.

It said I have “Network Connectivity Problems”

Me: "Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

Boss keeps complaining that I drank the last of the water from the cooler. Now I feel like Jesus

Just turned water into whine.

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When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

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I was telling a woman about my ability to guess the day she was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really,” she said, “go ahead and try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, tell me what day I was born?” I said, “Yesterday.”

So I was in the supermarket this morning and I had an accident when all the Omega-3 feel on me

I'm ok, the manager assured me my injuries where Super fish oil.

Being a man is really hard. No matter how you feel, no woman ever just asks you "How are you?"

It's always just "How did you get into my house?"

My young child is feeling sick

Fortunately he's only showing minor symptoms

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

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My wife said she had a headache so didn't feel up to sex this evening.

I told her to just suck it up.

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's

We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.

Anyone else feel like this covid thing is like the fast and the furious?

No one really knows why we got so many sequels.... but they're really.started to get bad

What do you call the odd pleasure a particle physicist feels when watching a dwarf chug a beer?

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

Remember when you feel as if time slowed down?

It's caused by the gravity of the situation.

A gangster in Soviet prison goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm feeling sick."

The doctor frowns and takes a good look at him. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, doctor..."

"Then come back tomorrow when you've sobered up."

The next day, the convict shows up at the doctor's again. "Doctor, I'm still not feeling well."

"Are you sober?"

"I haven't ...

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

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