Feel Jokes - 128 Hilarious Feel Jokes

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

If you ever feel useless...

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

the Taliban

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

How do introverts feel within society?

[removed]

As the man made his way to his seat at the World Cup Final, he couldn't help but feel excited.

But as he sat down by the pitch, he noticed the seat next to him was empty. "What a waste," he thought to himself. "Who would have a seat like this and not use it?"

Curiosity getting the best of him, he leaned over to his neighbour and asked if someone would be sitting there. "No," the nei...

While most puns make me feel numb...

...Math puns make me feel number.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

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I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.

On the upside, it’s buttered.

On the downside, it isn’t.

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

why do monarchs feel so important?

Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

A man woke up and called out "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"

The doctor responded "I know, I amputated your arms!"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

I just got married but I’m not feeling great about it. For our “first dance” my wife choose the song:…

…”I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

I Really Feel For Batteries …

… I’m not included in anything either.

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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

My wife said she wants feel more important

I told her that she’s at the top of my to-do list

A pigeon was not feeling so well…

So, he decided to pay a visit to the local doctor.

“So, tell me what’s the problem?”

“Doctor, few days back, I flyed to the Bahamas…”, he started.

“It’s flew”, said the doctor.

“Wow man, you are one hell of a doctor. I didn’t even tell you the whole thing,” the pigeon exc...

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Doctor: It sounds like diabetes.

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”

-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

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My wife says she feels like a dog...

I said "that makes sense, you've been a real bitch lately..."
Now I don't get to see my son.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

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Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, know that you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel your penis was inadequate

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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

My kids began ignoring me so much that I feel invisible...

Now I identify as trans-parent.

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...

It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

I don't feel safe in my neighborhood.

Every house I try to break into has a Pitbull terrier.

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

Snow White was in the bathtub, feeling sleepy.

Then he got out, so she felt Dopey instead.

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

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If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, its either

1. She has intimacy issues
2. She is frigid
3. She should find another seat in the bus

How did the cow feel after giving birth?

Decaffeinated.

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

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Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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Feeling

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she y...

How running a business in these days feels

The taxation office suspected a business owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employee and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Business Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $5,0...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one da...

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I feel bad for chefs.

They work so hard but everything they make turns to shit.

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles

So I have signed a partition

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

Me:Doctor Doctor I can’t feel my legs…..

Doctor: well that’s good, I cut your arms off

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

Do you ever feel useless?

You could be some German factory worker installing blinkers on a new BMW.

I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

“It feels nice to finally open up to someone”

Proctologist: “Please don’t make this weird”

Why was the fungi feeling claustrophobic?

Because he didn't have mushroom

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

I always feel a lot better after I've spent time with my dad's sister

She's my aunty biotic

Why does the wait feel so long to see a doctor?

Doctors have patients and you don't.

Credit to my friend,

\-Wally P.

A blonde woman, who is feeling depressed, decides to end her life.

The woman's husband sees her about to shoot herself, and begs her, "Please! Don't do it!"

The woman glares at her husband and says, "Shut up! You're next!"

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess

... so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a goo...

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

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Doctor: So how are you feeling today?

Elon Musk: Like a million dollars, doc.

Doctor: Holy shit! Let’s take you to the E.R.!

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What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang.

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

I feel bad for people who have to take drugs to go crazy.

Whenever I wanna go crazy I just stop taking mine.

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

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Feeling good

A wise man once said: If you keep your hand in your pocket, you will feel cocky all day.

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

If you have chronic bad breath, don't feel any less valuable.

You are far and away best.

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There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting...

30% of women think their ass is too fat,

10% of women think their ass is too skinny,

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Running feels great

Until you compare it with not running

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

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Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

I feel severely let down by two people in my life.

My father, my mother, and my mathematics teacher.

I feel sorry for orphans.

There are plenty of great PG films.

„Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you...“

„Babe, your observation skills are really good.“

Some people say love is the best feeling...

But I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better

I feel kinda sorry for overweight dominatrixes

....always getting picked last for kickballs

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How does it feel being in prison.

A pain in the ass.

If you're having tuning problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After on...

Why do physicists never share their feelings?

Because their feelings have no matter.

I asked my dog how he was feeling today.

Poor guy said “Ruff”

What do linguists do when they’re feeling naughty?

They get into some antics.

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.

She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun...

How did Musk feel after banning everyone from Twitter?

All Elone :(

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve,

“Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet....

Because I over ate.

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