This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the magician i saw the other day...

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed “FUCK ME”

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives.

In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.

And in the other life I'm a doctor.

The 7 dwarfs were all in bed feeling happy

Happy got out and they all started feeling grumpy

I feel bad for tests

They are always cheated on

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

Being in Finland in these times makes me feel so good.

Lots of indoor finns.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old husband tells his old wife:- " can't feel anything in my butt" she says:- "are you serious?"

He says:- " i am deadass serious"

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

Most puns make me feel numb

Except mathematics jokes. They make me feel number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” I nodded and groaned, "I understand."

So I felt her breasts…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my my wife if it’s possible to feel happy and sad at the same time

She said ‘well... you’ve got the biggest cock out of all your mates’

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

At the end of the day Trump will have 2 supporters that I feel sorry for...

They are his feet!

I feel bad for Schrodinger's cat

But at the same time I don't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I feel about sex on tv?

It might be a little uncomfortable but I’ll do it if you want to.

My dad always made me feel special because he made up knock knock jokes just for me, but I couldn't always understand them.

Last time I saw him he said:

> Knock knock

Who's there?

> You're a mountain

You're a mountain, who?

> You're a mountain to nothing, son!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had been feeling suicidal from some recent traumatic experiences.

I decided to seek help from a mental health professional. After some counselling, I was not recuperating, and on account of my worsening instability, they implored for me to stay at an in patient psychiatric ward facility.

During my stay, the doctors and psychiatrists informed that they were...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling down?

Don't fret.

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" as...

I was feeling a little naughty, so I decided to run as fast as I could to my mailbox and grab the mail while naked

A mile in to my jog to the post office, the police stopped me.

Why did the eraser on the end of the pencil feel like giving up?

Because it couldn't see the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Meghan feel after her first night with Harry?

She said it was a royal pain in the ass.

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

I feel that Disney is taking the "Rainforest Cafe" theme a bit to seriously

I was just sitting there eating when they bulldozed half of the place down.

I asked my friend in North Korea how he honestly feels about living there?

He said, "Can't complain."

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

How do nails feel when they are drunk?

Hammered.

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor has just had sex with one of his patients and now feels guilty

\* poof \*

a little devil appears on the doctor's right shoulder and says "Dude, don't worry, many doctors have had sex with patients ..."

The angel on the left shoulder interrupts the devil: "Yes, but he's a vet! A VET!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

How does a dyslexic atheist feel about God?

He thinks that they’re truly man’s best friend.

I always get this feeling of satisfaction when I give money to a homeless person

Especially when they put away the knife...

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

When the magician failed at his trick, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. He never felt so embarassed.

He just wanted to disappear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

I feel bad for the people who had a bread making business is Rome back then...

Because now their business is toast

What does it feel like to get hit by a wave frequency?

It hurtz

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women's orgasms feel so much different from men's?

Because a woman's O varies.

I'm not sure how to feel about this...

but I was sold a herding dog for my cantaloupe patch. He's a little melon-collie.

I feel like most drugs are ok.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

If you ever feel bad

Just remember that Stevie Wonder is paying $25,000 a month in child support for some kids he has never seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

I was feeling down, so I put my heart in the oven last night

It was a pretty heartwarming experience

If you’re feeling sad, get in an elevator with a few ghosts

...it will really lift your spirits

How did the trees feel when winter was finally over

Releafed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for my toilet

It has to put up with all my shit

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After six months of a man feeling his wife drifting away...

He comes home one night to find all the appliances in the house is brand new. He asks his wife whats going on and she just shrugs. Next night he comes home and all furniture have been replace... wife shrugs him off. Wednesday night and he finds a brand new car And pick up in the driveway ( the very ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel it is inadequate

LPT: If you find yourself wanting a child, wait eighty years then reevaluate whether it was only a passing feeling.

This advice has been brought to you by the antinatalism movement.

What is the worst thing to feel when getting a prostate exam?

Two hands on your shoulders

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

What did the Tyrannosaurus Rex feel when it saw the Ankylosaurus approaching?

Ankxiety

I’m a fat man starting to feel spiritual

As I looked into all the different religions, I found that that all of them, in one way or another, involved abstaining from food. Hindus, for example all give up beef. Mormons boycott alcohol and coffee. As a Catholic you can eat anything most of the year, but have to give up the foods like most fo...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

As an artist, I feel there's no difference performing between normal people and ghost

Cause in the end they just boo at me.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

What does a CPU feel when it's overclocked?

It hertz.

I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little.

They must have dyed inside a little.

Does any else feel like auto correct is getting awesome?

Like I keeps switching words misspelled correctly. It's sorry but I typed that for a reason. Stop presuming when I what to say.

I'm tired of proof-

I feel sad a lot...

Even my cake is in tiers

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

Going to bed feels like a cliffhanger

It's been getting worse since they haven't confirmed we'll be renewed for another season.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does having sex with a woman who just have birth feel like?

Pretty awkward for the staff and family members in the hospital room.

I started stealing peoples drinks at Starbucks just to see how it feels

Not my cup of tea

The Chinese President dies of a chronic disease. How does his wife feel?

Xi's Jinping with joy.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

What do cats think when they feel scared?

Get meow'ta here

How does 69 feel to the average Redditor?

nice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

I don’t feel like I matter now, but I think I will eventually

I’m just really energetic right now

When you feel like you're ugly, stupid and have no redeeming traits....

Don't wallow in despair; at least you have sound judgement.

I was feeling very rundown and tired when suddenly a muscular little person grabbed both of my legs and lifted me into the air with ease. I instantly felt refreshed!

I guess I just needed a little pick-me-up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.

So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".

When he got back from the toilet, he found another...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You make me feel like a unicorn...

...beautiful, magical, and horny.

I think this is an original, but chances are good it’s not, so do with it what you will.

I think I mistakenly slept with my girlfriend's twin and I feel horrible

I didn't realize it until he took off his condom.

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

How do you feel about the prison library?

It has its prose and cons.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

I feel so bad for homeless LGBTQ people

They have no closet to come out of

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.