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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

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My parrot died today…

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

My gf borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we seperated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

My wife kicked me out because she's tired of all of my bad Schwarzenegger references, but...

I will return

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

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As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

My dogs hair was getting long so I told my friend about it

He told me to go to the groomers

I don’t see how the pope is gonna help

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My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

I swam up to the surface instead.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality......

“In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.

He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke weed with her!!

I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

Me and my wife decided we don't want children

we will be telling them tonight.

“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?” “Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

My neighbours are always listening to loud music

whether they want to or not.

Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

I like my coffee how I like my slaves.

Free.

How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?

Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.

*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends.

I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth."

"When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Would anyone be interested in being my companion?

Asking for a friend

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

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My penis is quite small

Luckily my girlfriend is an optimist, so her pussy is always half full.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!"

I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

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The teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence.

The first kid says" We all have to wear masks because coronavirus is **contagious** ". Teacher says well done. Second kid says "I couldn't play with my friends all summer because I had chickenpox, which is **contagious". Teacher says well done again. Little Billy gets up and says" We've got a man ...

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My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then light and now zero.

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years...

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

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My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

**Doctor:** " Sounds like a really bad case of *parking sons disease* "

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday

I think he may be plotting something.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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A married couple are having sex

A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.

"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.

He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

My dad wronged me...

I brought home a test score of 90 and showed it to my dad. I thought he would praise me for it, but my dad took one look at the test script and said I added the "0" there. I got a big scolding and was grounded for the week. I really didn't add the "0".

I added the "9".

My girlfriend wanted to do doctor roleplaying.

I sat in the waiting room for about an hour while she saw two other patients who came in after me.

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

My friend really changed after she became a vegetarian

It's almost like I have never seen herbivore

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

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I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

When I die, I hope it’s peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

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e: "Why did you marry me?" My wife: "Because you are so funny". Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"

My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

My brother took going to jail pretty badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My friend found out that Albert Einstein was a real guy

He thought he was just a theoretical physicist

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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

I told my friend that he had his shoes on the wrong feet.

He said, "These are the only feet I have, genius."

My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with.

Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery…

…because 3 years later I was completely broke

My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory

Will beheading there tomorrow

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My girlfriend told me she is never horny when she's on her period.. Walked in the bathroom that night and

She was masturbating. Caught her red handed.

This is the only dirty joke my mother ever told me (translated from arabic, hope it makes sense)

A husband that didn't like his wife's cooking put a note on the fridge after he had enough "god loves people that do something they like in a good way".

She then preceeds to take the note and put it above their bed.

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Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

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My wife came running up to me and said

"That guy at the bar said he wanted to fill my pussy with lager and drink it out of me. What are you gonna do about it." I said "Nothing, i'm not messing with someone who can drink 25 pints of lager.

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My wife wants sex 3 times a month but I want sex 10 times a month.

So we compromised and have sex 3 times a month.

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the ...

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

Doctor, my bottom hurts right around the entrance.

Doctor: That’s the exit, as long as you call it the entrance it will hurt.

I threw my wife a surprise bukake party

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

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My doctor told me to stop masturbating

I ask for how long

"At least until I'm done with your exam"

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

I thankfully wasn’t close to my father when he died..

He stepped on a Land Mine.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

To the guy who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you are happy now

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

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An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought that was a pretty weird way to start a conversation.

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