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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

2 parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says:

Do you smell fish?

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

One wind turbine turns to the other and says: what's your favourite genre of music?

The other wind turbine replies: I'm a big heavy metal fan.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says “geez it’s hot in here”. The other replies:

“AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN”

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt, Turns out she felt the same way.

**So I turned on the air conditioning.**

Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

What do you call a potion that turns you into an atheist?

A suspension of disbelief

I went to a family reunion in Nevada. Turns out what happens in Vegas...

Is executable back in Texas.

I tried to register slimshady.com, and it turns out the US government forcibly took it over.

They cited Eminem domain.

Last weekend I went to see my baby cousin's baptism. It turns out that he was only around 2% catholic after the ceremony.

Someone replaced the holy water with milk.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

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So I was on this plane right, and the pilot does his normal deal, well when he was done he didn't turn off the speaker, and he turns to his Co pilot and goes...

"ya know what I could go for, a good blowjob and a coffee", well the flight attendant goes running to the front of the plane, and as she ran by I said "Hey sweetheart you forgot the coffee!"

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"

The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

I really love how the Earth turns

It really makes my day.

Turns out I've been dating a communist...

...I blame myself, I should've seen the red flags.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

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A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

What turns "No, no, no" into "Mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

Why does a pirate say when he turns 80?

Aye matey

Matthew McConaghey’s Car can’t make left turns...

It only goes, Alright, alright, alright.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

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So it turns out my mom’s birthday, April 18, is national piñata day

She sure is gonna be surprised when we shove candy up her ass and beat the shit out of her!

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

Botox turns 17 this year

Don’t look surprised

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

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