Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...
A fan walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and...
then back to the door, then to the bartender and back to the door...
One shop owner turns and asks another...
“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
He replied. “Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.
It just changed the colour.
Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"
The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"
An old mathematician turns 89...
Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties. Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...
Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.
Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.
I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...
Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!
Two melons are sitting in a field and the first one turns to the second and says
"We've been together all this time we should run away and get married."
The second melon replies, "We cantaloupe, we're melons!"
There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says..
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
What is yellow and turns red ?
A chick in a blender.
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.
The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...
It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.
A woman turns to her husband and asks...
"Dear, how many women have you slept with?" He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says..
"Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"
"No..no I don't." Says the rabbit.
So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his bum with it.