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Literally Jokes

A literalist takes things literally

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And itā€™s discussing fucking.

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the manā€™s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Someone asked me, ā€œsince you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?ā€

I replied, ā€œno, thatā€™s a kleptomaniac.ā€

Never literally taking cooking instructionsā€¦

It said ā€œchill in the fridge for an hourā€

I nearly died

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: ā€œWhen the hell did my resume learn to talk?ā€

Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

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People who say ā€˜I can hit my kids because theyā€™re MINEā€™ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Never literally taking cooking instructionsā€¦

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

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What do you call a guy that masturbates to literally everything?

Jack of all trades

My computer becoming literally an ecosystem

Mouse,virus,bugs, python are living here.

Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...

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"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."

"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, ā€œLooking for a guy that wonā€™t beat me, wonā€™t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.ā€

Three days later, thereā€™s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it thereā€™s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling e...

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'

My boss said, ā€œWhy are all the women in your office crying?ā€

I said, ā€œYou told me to bang some heads together.ā€

He said, ā€œTalk about taking things too literally!ā€

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

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It takes me literally forever to do a #2.

Because Iā€™m so full of shit.

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

Iā€™ve played one hole and Iā€™ve got 47 points

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidonā€™s main powers were and was like ā€œCtrl Cā€

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

People really shouldn't take things literally.

That's stealing

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Canā€™t have shit in Detroit.

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

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Dirty Joke literally

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.

Friend: Ok I can see it...

Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.

Friend: Uh-huh. I'm likin' this.

Me: Ok. So ...

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

So Land Oā€™Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her thatā€™s terrible for the carpet

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.

People who mix up literally with figuratively make me crazy!

Well thatā€™s what the talking rabbit in my bedroom tells me.

I cant believe they are going to arrest me for impersonating a politician

I just literally did nothing.

The stop taking things literally course

Huggo: Hi, is this the stop taking things literally course?

Teacher: Yes, please take a seat

Huggo: Ok sure! *Takes a seat and walks out of the class*

Teacher:

My friends say that I take things too literally

but I didnt take anything from them

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I recently learned that the Chinese word for "anus" is 屁ēœ¼ which literally means "the butt's eye"

It really makes sense in hind-sight

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

The world is literally ending.

Well, at least for the Caribbean tourism business.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

girls used to literally run after me, but they stoped

because I stopped stealing their bags.

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally.

ā€œKidnappingā€

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says ā€œ1, 3, 5, 7, 9ā€

He literally canā€™t even

I hope you don't take this joke literally

but if you do, please return it later.

There is literally no way to convey sarcasm through text

/s

Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name.

(His)(panic)

Easily offended people are literally like snowflakes.

Alone, they are harmless. Together, however, they ruin everything good and bad in their way.

Doctor, doctor... I keep taking things literally.

Doctor: try not to be so serious all the time.

Me: no, you don't understand, I'm a Kleptomaniac

My neighbors yelled and banged my door 3 in the morning, literally 3!

Luckly, I was still up practicing my bagpipe.

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

the execution

ESPN literally hired a potato for one of its broadcasts

When asked why they responded that they needed a common tater.

I don't get why people say rubik's cubes are so hard. There's literally only one combination

Yes, I'm colorblind. Why are y'all asking?

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