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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains

edit. thanks for the sparklie

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

I think silence is the best answer sometimes. What do you think dad?

Dad: .....
Me: dad, what do you think?
Dad: .....

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if my wife hates my body.

A tiny part of me thinks "Yes!"

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question.

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

Osama bin Laden jokes are funny sometimes...

When they're executed well.

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone ...

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

What starts with w, sometimes starts with s, but never starts with n.

That is all

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

People make fun of my nose sometimes,

But if God gave me my choice of all the noses on earth, I would pick my nose before I picked anyone else’s.

Sometimes you really are what you eat.

For example, I just ate a cannibal.

Do you know those round hay bales you sometimes see in fields?

The government is trying to outlaw them. Apparently cows aren’t getting a square meal.

I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top.

My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

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Sometimes you just need to stop, look deep inside yourself...

And find that sex toy you lost.

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

What do you call a protest consisting of the letters A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y?

A vowel movement

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Bro same

Sometimes I have such a hard time remembering my favorite Celine Dion song

..but it's all coming back to me now.

When I’m in Hawaii, sometimes I get sad.

It must be tropical depression.

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[NSFW] When I visit my urologist I make sure he checks my whole body.

Sometimes I can be a dick.

Sometimes I wish my grass was emo

So it would cut itself

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person.

But then I laugh and continue my day.

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

Sometimes I tell dad jokes...

And sometimes he laughs

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense.

Refrigerator

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

Sometimes it's difficult to get out of a habit.

At least that's what the nun in my bed said.

When I am away from home, I sometimes get love sick...

Well they call it Chlamydia

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This girl sometimes swaps out her bra for her huge pet snake to cover her breasts

It's a cobra

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

Sometimes I forget how beautiful the mountains are.

I really take them for granite.

You know how sometimes you want to eat something just because it's there?

So, anyway, I got fired from the gynecologist's today.

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

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Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

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I sometimes wonder what Santa’s sex life is like

I mean he’s only supposed to come once a year.

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A 70 year old, an 80 year old and a 90 year old are sitting in a bar.

None of them have aged too well, so each are taking it upon themselves to explain the effects old age is having on them. The 70 year old says “Man, nothing works proper anymore. I swear, when I get up in the morning, it takes a good half hour to take a shit. And that’s on a good day - sometimes ther...

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Sometimes my mom calls me a son of a bitch.

I completely agree!

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

I'm a nervous gardener...

and sometimes I wet my plants.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

My girlfriend just called and asked if I could pick her up

Sometimes I really wish she had legs.

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Sometimes I really don't want 2020 to end...

Because that would mean that 2020 won.

A friend collects watches and sometimes will wear a many as 6 watches on each arm.

He has way too much time on his hands.

I went to my psychiatrist recently.

I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.

He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"

To which I said "I didn't know that was an option

I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

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Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

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A man goes on vacation to Spain

He enters a restaurant and is greeted by a lovely aroma. The man looks at a table and sees the dish. "what's that?" he asks the waiter. "the dish of the day señor! It is the balls of the bull from this morning's bullfight! An absolute delicacy!"

"heck, I'm adventurous. I'd like to try that." ...

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

A, E, I, O, U, Who, When, Where, What...

... and sometimes Y?

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

Guy : Baby, sometimes I want to call you late at night for a long chat.

Gf : So why don't you?

Guy : I always try to, but I hear a voice saying something.

Gf : what voice? What does it say?

Guy : 'Sorry, You Have Insufficient Balance In Your Account To Make This Call! '

My high school crush came to my work today and I fingered her. (NSFW)

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she...

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the ki...

I miss my wife sometimes

But my aim is getting better

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. .

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

Trump blames the Canadian PM sometimes

But it’s not always Trudeau

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects...

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

Sometimes I wanna cry...

...when I think about how much I hate emotional people.

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

Do not speak with your mouth full

I said to my daughter as she was chewing on a huge bite of spaghetti.

- You are not allowed to do that im the kindergarten as well.

- Well, sometimes we are allowed to

- When?

- When the kindergarten teachers don't notice


She's turning 5 tomorrow. Spread some l...

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Sometimes, while I’m jerking off, I wonder if there really is a god who watches our every move.

I know, it’s a weird fetish.

So you know how sometimes you can't help but eat what's in front of you even though you know its bad?

Anyway I lost my job at the gynecologists today

Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn’t such a good idea after all

British weather is a bit like Islam

It's sometimes sunni but it is usually shi'ite!

Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I dont understand life.

Tracy: What do you mean?

Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it.

Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?

Sometimes I feel like people on the West coast are living in the past

Ba-dum tss

Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am

But I just laugh back. More. And louder.

My neighbor leave his sprinkler running constantly sometimes days at a time..

It's really irrigating.

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

Daddys car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mo...

I sometimes order an undercooked steak.

But it’s rare.

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