UPJOKE
pastonceonetimeearlythentimeformerwhenagoanytimesomedaytillshortlythereaftersoon

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch…

Yeti never complains.

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

Sometimes I let her sleep.

Sometimes I tuck my head to my chest, place my hands on the ground and lean forward..

Because that's how I roll.

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.

Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

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My jokes are like semen

Sometimes they land and stick

Other times they are hard to swallow

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

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Definitely!

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teach...

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The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me

My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman

I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

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Memory problems

My dad’s getting old. He has trouble remembering where he left his keys, sometimes stumbles over finding words.

But weirdly he can remember in graphic detail every dump he’s ever taken.

He has a crap memory.

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

Sometimes, when Mother’s Day comes around, I feel bad for all those test tube babies

…who didn’t have a mother.

But then I remember they got a womb with a view.

Letter to Bob

Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings "out with friends."

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say "hello."

Last night she went ou...

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad…

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him?

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

My mother was never sentimental

but sometimes when she smoked she had the scent of menthol.

Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.

One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on...

After retiring, Mr. Johnson moved into a condo near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.

Almost every morning, Mr. Johnson saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning.

After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Mr. Johnson noticed something. Some m...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Sometimes I say "nope" by accident.

Nope unintended.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes Y." The priest then turned to her and asked...

And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

I call my man part "The incredible hulk"

Because it turns green sometimes.

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

What's one thing you could say about your house, but not about your girlfriend?

"I have another one down the shore. Only visit on weekends. Sometimes I share it with my brother. "

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks, he begins waxing philosopical. "You know, sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever," he says to the bartender. "Yes," the bartender agrees. "We call those people cop...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

Sometimes I Think

Sometimes I think my sister contracted Covid before it was a thing, because she has no taste in men.

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

What do children and ice cream have in common?

They’re sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.

Three old farts talking

Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.

The 70-year-old says,

\- “I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."

The 80-year-old says,

\- “It’s my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always h...

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Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

Big Bird walks into a bar

Big Bird walks into a gritty bar off Sesame Street and sits all alone and orders a beer. "Sometimes I just feel left out by all my peers. You know, all alone," he complains to the bartender. "I guess I just feel ostrich sized."

Making jokes wearing a bee costume isn't always easy

But they don't understand that sometimes you have to risk it for the bee skit.

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

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My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

Once apon a time, there was a family of skunks

(Good as a bedtime story for kids)

Once apon a time in a hole on the bank of a river near some woods, lived a family of skunks.

There was mummy skunk and her two babies. And the baby skunks were called In and Out.

One day Out said to Mummy skunk, "Mummy, can In and I go out int...

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

i just bought a white horse

i named him "mayonnaise" because sometimes, mayo-neighs

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

Do you like eggs?

I have them in the morning with my toast.
Sometimes sunny side up, sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy.
I think they're eggsellent.

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