What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

My blood sometimes, for no reason at all, decides to not carry enough oxygen.

I have fickle cell anemia.

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My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 

"You're running around with other women." she charged. 

"You're being very unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by s...

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa

Sometimes, I use words I don’t understand

So I can sound more photosynthesis.

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Sometimes I tell people something and.they already knew what I was talking about so tell me “if I had a dime every time I heard that “

Dude that would be a weird fucking way to make some money.

Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill

...those were the Goodyears.

Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

Just like kids all over the world, I sometimes played “doctor” with other inquisitive children

As an American, I’m still paying the bills.

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if my wife hates my body.

A tiny part of me thinks "Yes!"

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

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A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

Gonna be getting on the trend of binary puns and going to be writing 10000000 binary puns.

Update: Sometimes I byte off more than I can chew.

Osama bin Laden jokes are funny sometimes...

When they're executed well.

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

What starts with w, sometimes starts with s, but never starts with n.

That is all

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

The third-grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece...

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

Sometimes you really are what you eat.

For example, I just ate a cannibal.

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I pay my rent in sexual favors.

I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

People make fun of my nose sometimes,

But if God gave me my choice of all the noses on earth, I would pick my nose before I picked anyone else’s.

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The redneck farmer was disturbed ,,,

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farme...

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

Do you know those round hay bales you sometimes see in fields?

The government is trying to outlaw them. Apparently cows aren’t getting a square meal.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top.

My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Bro same

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

I love telling dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Sometimes I have such a hard time remembering my favorite Celine Dion song

..but it's all coming back to me now.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?

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A man goes to a store and gets a redbull.

He buys one can of redbull, goes to the fifth floor, and chugs it before he jumps out the window.

5 minutes later, he comes into the store again, buys a can of redbull and drinks it, and jumps out the fifth floor again.

He does this on repeat for half an hour, until a man notices and ...

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Sometimes you just need to stop, look deep inside yourself...

And find that sex toy you lost.

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

What do you call a protest consisting of the letters A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y?

A vowel movement

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

After years of working his way up through the Dove Soap Company, Jedidiah Kermin was finally promoted to CEO.

Jeb was ecstatic and ready to lead the company into a new golden age of soap making. He was determined to shake up the industry and leave a true legacy for himself. So he went to product development and told them that what Dove needed was to make a soap that could clean people faster than any other ...

Ah yes, I forgot it!

Sometimes I experience both amnesia and dejà vu at the same time, and I'm like:"Yep, I've forgotten this before ".

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A small business owner is filling out some forms for the government.

One of the questions asks: please list the employees you have, broken down by sex.

The man replied: None. Although a few do sometimes come in late.

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

Sometimes I wish my grass was emo

So it would cut itself

When I’m in Hawaii, sometimes I get sad.

It must be tropical depression.

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Sometimes my mom calls me a son of a bitch.

I completely agree!

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person.

But then I laugh and continue my day.

When I am away from home, I sometimes get love sick...

Well they call it Chlamydia

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I sometimes wonder what Santa’s sex life is like

I mean he’s only supposed to come once a year.

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense.

Refrigerator

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

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Jesus vs the mob

An adulterous is surrounded by a mob ready to stone her to death when Jesus comes out and stands infront of the crowd and says, ***"he who hath not sinned cast the first stone"***, the mob suddenly feels ashamed of themselves and stops

Suddenly, a stone flies over the crowd and hits the adult...

THE problem with political jokes

is that sometimes they get elected!

Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

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An old farmer is teaching the new farmhand on where certain wastes go

The farmer says "Sometimes the milk from them old cows goes bad too quick, so we gotta dump it out over there-" He points to a high fence on the western side of the farm.

"Most of it's manure-" he continues, "-which we dump over yonder for later use in the cropfield." He points to another hig...

Sometimes I forget how beautiful the mountains are.

I really take them for granite.

You know how sometimes you want to eat something just because it's there?

So, anyway, I got fired from the gynecologist's today.

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

Sometimes it's difficult to get out of a habit.

At least that's what the nun in my bed said.

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This girl sometimes swaps out her bra for her huge pet snake to cover her breasts

It's a cobra

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A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

Things that are difficult

Sometimes its hard to swallow your pride.

Unless you are a cannibal lion.

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

Sometimes I hug people I don’t like

It helps to gauge the size of the hole to dig in the back yard.

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

A friend collects watches and sometimes will wear a many as 6 watches on each arm.

He has way too much time on his hands.

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

Sometimes I really don't want 2020 to end...

Because that would mean that 2020 won.

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2 friends go to do a job interview

Before the interview receptionist asks them for their basic details to fill in a form:

Reciptionist: Name?

First friend: Willy Ben Chen.

Receptionist: Sex?

First friend: 3 to 4 times a week.

Receptionist: *shakes* no, I mean male or female.

First friend:...

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

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A man goes to a college campus. . .

A man goes to a college campus for a tour because he thinks he wants to go the following year. As he's taking his tour, he sees a large crowd surrounding a fraternity house.

He moves through the crowd and is shocked when he sees dozens of people on the lawn on the house, giving each other blo...

Little Johnny asks his mum…

“Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”

“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed.“
“Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home late.”

My girlfriend says she’s possessed.

My girlfriend has been saying she’s been having weird experiences and weird thoughts so she went to confess to a priest. The priest told me she was possessed and that she needs and exorcism. Sometimes the priest comes over to perform the exorcisms and it gets really ugly. I hear her on the bed shaki...

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