Sometimes Jokes - 98 Hilarious Sometimes Jokes

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

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Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

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I have a difficult confession to make: I sometimes masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean...

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

Sometimes I use big words I don't understand

I think it makes me sound a bit more photosynthesis

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Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

Sometimes I talk to myself

Me too

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Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was g...

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.

Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

People sometimes mock me for having amnesia

It’s okay. My motto is forget about it and move on.

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There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during ejaculation

But it comes in waves

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Sometimes I have this dream about an ocean made from orange soda

It's a Fanta sea

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

Sometimes I read text and think, what a psycho.

Then I press send.

Sometimes the punchline comes before the set up.

You know what is wrong with tcpip jokes?

Women sometimes make fools of men

But most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

Sometimes I let her sleep.

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch,

Yeti never complains.

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.

Sometimes...

someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your pulse race and changes you forever...

We call them cops.

1312

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

Sometimes I say "nope" by accident.

Nope unintended.

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

Sometimes I Think

Sometimes I think my sister contracted Covid before it was a thing, because she has no taste in men.

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.

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Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.

But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

For those of you who also sometimes get confused between corporal and capital punishment

Please come and pick up these dead kids and give me a spanking.

My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman

I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

Sometimes I'm good at batting practice, sometimes I'm not

It's really hit or miss.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women." she charged.

"You're being very unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by s...

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad…

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him?

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like an 's', but sometimes it isn't.

Source: Course

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Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

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Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

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Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask!

An 8 year old and a 6 year old sit down at the kitchen table to await breakfast, the older child has heard people swearing on t.v. and decides he wants to try it. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks him what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Can I have some god damn Cheerios?" SMACK! ...

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

What do you call a scientist who sometimes drinks, and sometimes doesn’t?

Schröedrinker

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

Sometimes, when I think about books

I touch my shelf

Osama bin Laden jokes are funny sometimes...

When they're executed well.

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

Sometimes I wonder

Then I get lost in the park

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Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend.

She asks, "Why did you stop?"

I reply, "Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."

Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

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Sometimes I ask my blind friend what something in braille says.

So I started handing him legos, and apparently all lego pieces mean "fuck you" in braille

Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

People make fun of my nose sometimes,

But if God gave me my choice of all the noses on earth, I would pick my nose before I picked anyone else’s.

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.

(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

Sometimes she just knows

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub t...

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

sometimes i think im schizophrenic

but the voices in my head tell me im wrong

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

Sometimes when I close my eyes...

I can't see

What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes?

Jew-ish

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