A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed; sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as he’s dialing 911, his six year old son runs up to him and says, “Daddy! Daddy! ...

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

What do we want?!... Airplane Noises!.. When do we want them?

Neooooooow

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What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

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I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum

Arse miaou

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Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room…

… catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

I bought an LP of wasp noises.

I bought an LP of wasp noises. When I played it the first track didn't sound like a wasp, nor did the second track. It was then I realised I was listening to the B side.

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

I once met a pig that made horse noises.

It was my neighbor.

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Jimmy is in the school yard...

and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.

Jimmy: How did you get that?

Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.

Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve h...

What do we want? racing car noises when do we want them

neooooooww

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 2)

It's the second day of interviews for the position at the CIA. The three men are ready for their next step.

The interviewers take the first man into the interrogation room where the is someone tied to a chair with a hood over their face. They say "This is a practical task designed to test you...

PC Fan Noises

So I just asked me computer guy why my computer fan makes so much noise when my computer is just starting up. He said not to worry, the fan's just taking a second to get it's bearings.

I live in a trailer park and noises tend to travel.

My neighbour was banging this chick he brought home and it felt like it had been going on for hours. I was getting annoyed so in my best Mortal Kombat voice I yelled out, “FINISH HER!!!”
Thankfully they finished a few minutes later.
About 2 hours later I hear my neighbour yell out in his Mort...

I found an LP of wasp noises. Played three tracks that sounded nothing like a wasp.

Silly me. I was playing the bee side.

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An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

The sound waves from most noises will bounce off the walls of a room until they eventually dissipate, but the sound that a pigeon makes doesn’t do that

This is because a coo sticks

Fridge Noises

"Why does my fridge have to sound like a burglar breaking in?" I complained at midnight.

"What kind of fridge do you *have?*" the burglar asked.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I had a friend a friend who sleep through anything, even the loudest of noises!

Granted, I shot him with a tranquilizer first.

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

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A need satisfied

Just one request



When Johnny was young his Auntie and Uncle lived with him and his parents. Auntie watched Johnny during the day while his parents worked. Uncle worked out of town for long stretches and it was a good situation for everyone.
Johnny would come home from school in th...

I was making chicken noises in class

Got a detention for using fowl language

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