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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

I heard a bunch of weird noises coming from the graveyard last night...

I guess some of the skeletons were coffin'.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!


**NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW**

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

I was making chicken noises in class

Got a detention for using fowl language

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

What do we want? Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeooooowwwwww

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Here’s one for ya

Three guys go and explore a jungle. They get captured by a clan of cannibals. The cannibals tell them to go into the jungle and pick 5 of the same fruit and bring it back.

The first guy comes back with 5 coconuts. The cannibals tell him that if he can get all five up his butt without making a...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

What starts with F, ends in UCK, and usually means a lot of noises and excitement?

A firetruck

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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

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Why don't rabbits make noises when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls!

Kids do say the Darnest Things.

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is take...

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

I absolutely hate the noises that tennis players make at Wimbledon...

What a racquet!

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