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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

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3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

Why is it better to sleep with anti-vaxxers?

8 years of child support is better then 18 years of child support.

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

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Why should no one sleep while wearing a Bra?

Because it is a booby trap

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I found a great medicine to help me sleep at night with a sunburn

Viagra.

It dosnt help with the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Today my daughter wouldn’t sleep during nap time

She was resisting a rest

What happens when the CIA go to sleep?

They go undercover.

How do astronauts get to sleep?

They just drift off.

I want to die like my dad in his sleep

But not like the passengers in his car

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

It’s hard to sleep at night, some girl I met kept pounding on my door.

But there’s no way I’m letting her out.

What do you call it when Jerry sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry hat trick.

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A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he...

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Everyone I sleep with tells me my dick is a big joke

A real knee slapper

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" may come any time

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

Where do swedish bears sleep?

In their sweDEN.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

I trained myself to have lucid dreams every time I go to sleep.

It’s exactly what I imagined it to be.

Why do British people struggle with getting a good night’s sleep?

Because the sun never sets.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

I thought I was going to sleep with an Eskimo-girl

But, she wasn’t Inuit.

how do you tell if lady gaga is dead or just sleeping?

po-po-po-poker face...

They should have a class in school focused on getting a good night sleep.

Rest Ed

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My wife accidentally touched me in my sleep last night.

Now we're both fucked up thinking today's Sunday.

My best friend accused me of sleeping with his wife...

I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!

He then said that he had heard I was banging her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't banging her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -

- Not screaming like the passengers in his taxi.

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

So last night I wrote some light-hearted jokes on a piece of paper, and then turned the lights off, to go to sleep.

I was really mad, realising it was now dark humor.

A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.

The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her ...

A little boy peed himself in his sleep and wanted to keep it a secret

Later in a conversation, he accidentally leaked to someone.

I had a friend a friend who sleep through anything, even the loudest of noises!

Granted, I shot him with a tranquilizer first.

My foot’s gone to sleep

Totally coma toes

A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest

A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five...

The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did.

A bear was picking mu...

"mom i don't want to sleep with grandma anymore"

"but honey you know we don't have enough money to bury her"

Why did Sleeping Beauty go to jail?

She was under a rest

A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:


“It’s no...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

My girlfriend like to read before sleeping

Which should be encouraged for girls of her age.

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

Roamin Catholic

Sleeping with the minister's wife.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife."


"Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"


The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.


After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking h...

I was out camping one night just laying down in my sleeping bag and looking up at the stars wondering....

Where the hell is my tent?

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp,

so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teacher's tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?"

His teacher replies "NO".

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and a...

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A man walks in on his wife sleeping with a sheep under her arm

He points and says “This is the pig I fuck when you’ve got a headache”

The wife replies “This is a sheep you idiot!”

Husband says “I wasn’t talkin to you bitch!”

I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer!

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the clo...

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the lottery... To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls!

How do hunchback people sleep?

With their eyes closed

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Do you know why keyboard never sleeps?

Because they have 2 shifts.

A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

I've always loved hockey. I live, sleep and breathe it. In fact, my mother says I was born with skates on my feet.

She also says it was the worst caesarean the doctors ever seen.

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Married couple couldn’t sleep

There was once this married couple that lived next to a farm.

They’ve always wanted to live in a rural area because it would allow them to escape the madness of a big boomin’ city.

However, one night when they were sleeping, a rooster starting going crazy and making all of this noise...

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

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The principal was sleeping with my teacher

Everybody knew it, it was so awkward. He was so brash, calling her into his office right in the middle of the school day. The other cool thing about being homeschooled…

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

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"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."

"Would you sleep with me for $5?"

"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"

"I thought we alread...

I'm really good at sleeping

SCOUT: Mom, I’m really good at sleeping.
MOM: Oh, really?
SCOUT: Yes. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

Sleep for humans is like having an outdated charger.

While phones get their 3 day charge in 3 hours or less, we humans get 12 hour charge in 8-10 hours

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If my sleep schedule was a person it'd be pretty hot,

because it keeps getting fucked.

What did the Farmer tell the calf, who couldn't sleep?

Pasture bed time

Eye doctor: Have you been sleeping with your contacts?

She: No no, not all of them!

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "...

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I was having trouble sleeping..

I've been having trouble sleeping, not getting good sleep, etc, so I went to the doctor and told them I've been having trouble in the bedroom. We chatted for a few minutes without getting into anything specifIc, he was being kind of vague for some reason. Anyway, he gave me a script for some pills a...

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Shaun, I can't fucking sleep."

"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

I have a hunger for sleep...

I have a napitite

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

What does playing poker and sleeping with women have in common?

A pair of 9's is pretty good.

But four 2's will beat it.

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

Did you guys hear about the Superhero that only sleeps with married women?

He saves wives.

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

I dont know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position

Everyone at the cremetory freaked out.

Man, they ruined a good sleep

I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.

How do you get your kids to be quiet while you sleep?

Tell them to wake you up in 30 minutes for chores and house cleaning. They’ll go quiet instantly and try their best to not wake you.

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

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A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

I will not sleep

until I find a cure for insomnia.

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and t...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

A man finds a magic lamp...

...so of course, as the deal goes, he gets his three wishes from the Genie inside the lamp.

"For my first wish, I want to be a prince", the man says.

The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged."

"For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful cas...

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I believe my colleague is trying to sleep her way to the top.

Because she fucks up every day.

Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

I asked my wife when we first met which side of the bed she likes to sleep on.

"The top" she said.

After a long, restful night of sleep I always turn to my wife in the morning and say “Hello, Jerry”.

Because I feel like a New man.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

What do you call a sleeping pill for a baby deer?

Bambien.

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