Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other .

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

I count women who I slept with when I try to sleep.

\- Why not sheep?

\- I only had one sheep.

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you after you sleep with him?

I'm not Willy Nelson.

I couldn't figure out why I can't sleep all night...

And then it dawned on me.

What do you call making up for lost sleep?

Melatonement.

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them!

2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery! To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.

Im so good at sleeping

....that I can do it with my eyes closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

I would love to be paid to sleep

It would be my dream job.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

One day a little boy became so jealous of his baby brother that he applied poison on the nipples of his mother while she was sleeping.

Next day the milkman died.

A teacher asks her class: "How long can a human being survive without sleeping?"

Mary on the first row responds: "24h".

Peter on the second row responds: "48h".

Then the teacher sees John, daydreaming as usual, and asks him: "What do you think John?"

John goes, "I think... 3 weeks minus 15 minutes."

"Come on John", the teacher says, "Why it doesn't s...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

I will not sleep...

Until I find a cure for my insomnia.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled p...

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.

Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"

Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other.

We’ve been awake since Friday.

*3am going to sleep*

youtube: 3 flips even fat people can learn

A man and his wife were sleeping in their bedroom.

The woman shouts in her sleep, "Run my husband is home!"

The man gets up and jumps off the window.

What does the gingerbread man sleep on?

Cookie sheets.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just...

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

What does CIA do when they want to go to sleep?

They go undercover.

ADHD & Sleep Problems. Funny That You Asked!!

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. \*Old MacDonald had a farm\* and bingo was his name-o!

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

After trying to fall asleep for a few hours, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you...

A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month!

It left a negative impression.

What do you call a sleeping cow?

A bulldozer.

Some people cry themselves to sleep, but not me

I'm an insomniac

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

One drunk says to their drinking partner, "I want to sleep with 1000 people before I reach 30!" The other lush slurs…

"Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first!"

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor’s wife?

Nut and Bolt

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Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ...

In the other hand, however.

At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

He goes under cover

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you call a prostitute that sleeps with men and women?

A buysexual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

I finally got eight hours of sleep

It took me three days, but whatever. :)

If you notice cows sleeping in a field...

does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)

Sleep patterns are fascinating.

There's light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can't easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A Dinosnore.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

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I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.

Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:

"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they had started giving all the old guys in the nursing home Viagra right before they go to sleep at night.

Its to prevent them from rolling out bed in the middle of the night.

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Who sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows if you’re awake?

Convicted rapist Brock Turner.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

Why do dragons sleep all day?

So they can fight knights!

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

Husband whispers to wife as they're going to sleep

- "Good night, mother of six."
- "Good night, father of one" she replies.

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do...

Why did Georgia sleep with Pennsylvania’s wife?

Because they are swing states.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] A monkey is walking through the jungle when he spies a sleeping lion...

The monkey says, "King of the jungle, eh? I bet I could fuck that lion right up the ass. That'd make ME king of the jungle!" So he lifts up the lion's tail and starts going to town.

The lion wakes up and roars, "WHAT THE HELL???" and starts chasing the monkey through the jungle. After about 2...

What do you call it when a kid is fighting going to sleep?

Resisting A rest.


(yup! Lamest. Joke. EVER!)

What did Hera say to her husband when he asked if it was okay to sleep with other women?

Are Zeus serious?

Go to sleep

I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

How do CIA operatives get their children to go to sleep?

They make up a cover story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

What's a way to tell that someone is sleep deprived?

Sorry I thought this was AskReddit

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

How do you get an alien baby to sleep?

You rocket

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?

WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.

Sean Connery passed away peacefully in his sleep at age 90, he and Roger Moore were good friends...

They shared a Bond.

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3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30

No idea how to wake it up though...

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some enco...

Do you know what the cops do to people that sleep in public places?

They put them under **arrest**!

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

Remember, in these trying times to try to get 8 hours of sleep a day,

And at *least* 10 at night.

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

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Early one morning, you pull down your favourite cup, only to find a small dragon, curled up and sleeping contentedly inside.

Confused and still half asleep you take the cup outside to empty the dragon carefully onto the grass, then return to rinse your cup and make coffee. The next morning he is back, curled snuggly inside the cup as before and you repeat the process.

After a week of repeating this process you make...

I sleep better naked.

I just wish everyone were a bit more understanding, specially the fellow passengers on this bus..

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A Man Sees a Therapist Because He Isn't Getting Enough Sleep

(Go easy on me, I'm new to the sub)

Upon hearing this the therapist asks: "So when was your last sexual encounter?"

Clearly annoyed, the man responds: "Why does everything come back to sex with you psychologists? My sleep has absolutely nothing to do with sex!!"

And the therapis...

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Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

I just read that deaf people also talk in their sleep, only in sign language.

Well, at least they don't get bitten by mosquitoes.

I was trying to sleep but then i thought of this joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet bee,

The bartender asks “what’ll it be?”

“Thank you” the man replies.

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

I was having trouble sleeping, so my HIV positive friend gave me a sleeping pill

And now I have sleep aids

I like to sleep with a bedside lamp on.

Girlfriend says its weird.
I don't know why, it makes a great hat.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Patient said to the Anesthesia "Can i put myself to sleep?"

Anesthesia "I don't see why not, knock yourself out!"

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

they help me sleep better

An old lady goes to a pharmacists and orders contraception pills.
"Why do you need them, in your age?" asks the pharmacist.
"They help me sleep better," replies the old woman.
"How is that possible?" asks the pharmacist.
"I put them in my granddaughter's drink and then I sleep be...

I tell people that I’m so poor I have to go to sleep for dinner and they seem to pity me

Saying I’m so poor I have to wake up for breakfast doesn’t bring the same reaction though

My wife said, "For £10,000, would you sleep with my best friend?"

I said, "Of course. But where am I going to get £10,000?"

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

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What are the similarities between doing a bungee jump and sleeping with a prostitute?

Both cost £50.
Both last 30 seconds.
And if the rubber snaps you're fucked.

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says,"I need a favor..."

"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?" Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-longfriend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts o...

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

What did the alligator get after sleeping with a hooker

Gatoraids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sleep is like sex

I don't get either as much as I'd like

What do you call a sleeping Jack in the woods?

Aslumberjack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My masturbation addiction and lycanthropy are really messing up my sleep.

I'm up all night tossing and turning.

Three dogs

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
<...

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