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Sleep Jokes

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

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I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…

The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

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3 guys were at a sleep over

They just watched a horror movie so decide to sleep on the same bed.
In the morning when they wake up.
The guy on the left says "I had great dream where he was being wanked of by a hot blond"
The guy on right says "Oh shit, I had a dream where I was being wanked of but by a brunette"
T...

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm st...

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

I don't sleep with too many nuns...

... but I'm willing to get into the habit.

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

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I've always wanted to sleep with the stretchy mom from that superhero family movie

It would be fucking Incredible

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

Why did Napoleon and his wife sleep with other people?

Because their last name was Bonaparte, not Bonetogether.

What do you call people who sleep in their socks?

Tiny

I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills..

she said sure knock yourself out!

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I was woken up from my drunken sleep by my neighbour mowing at 6am.

"Just fucking go around me!" I shouted.

What does Jame Bond do before going to sleep?

He goes under cover.

My mum always said that you shouldn't go to sleep in a bad mood.

Which is why I always go to sleep in a bed.

How do politicians sleep at night?

On the best mattresses money can buy!

When I was a young man, I dreamed of sleeping with a strange woman every night.....

What I didn't realize was that it would be the same one!

My wife told me to stop sleeping like a flamingo...

So I had to put my foot down.

I confessed to my best friend that I discovered my wife sleeping with another man in our bed. I was crushed.....

"So, what did you do?" he asked. "I told them to get the heck off me and out of the bed."

When do Canadian sleep?

When Canadian Tire

Sleep

An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor's office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood," she said."They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""

“I'm going to prescribe some sleeping pills," said the doctor."A few of these and your troubles w...

A guy is asked by his friend: “What would you do if your wife cheats on you?”

He answers “I’d throw his dog through the window and break the stick”

Friend: “what stick? What dog?”

To what the guy replies: “If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!”

Work has been tough just lately, but at least I'm sleeping like a baby

...waking up every couple of hours crying and needing a bottle.

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness

His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.

The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"

"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."

"Can you spell that for me?"

"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no,...

I don't like people who make "I didn't sleep last night" their entire personality

They are tiring to be around

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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Before I went to sleep last night.

I put my phone under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

People always ask me why I sleep naked?

Travelling via the rail is very hectic, and sleeping naked has been the only way to keep people from bothering me...

Three guys were sleeping together in one bed

One of them dreamed about getting a handjob, another one of them did as well.

The guy who dreamt about skiing was shocked.

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing law since he was 25 died suddenly in his sleep.

When he gets to the Pearly Gates, the lawyer says, "There must be some mistake. I was 50, that's too young to die."

St. Peter looks in his records and says, "That's odd. By adding up the hours on your billing documents, you should be 83 by now."

they help me sleep better

a very old lady goes to a pharmacy and asks for contraception pills

"but lady," says the pharmacist, "you surely don't need anything like that"

"they help me sleep better," says the old lady.

"How is it possible?" asks the pharmacist.

"I add them to my gra...

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

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Why does the wife of a peanut butter executive hate sleeping with her husband

Because he cums in a jiffy

What is the hardest thing to sleep on?

Bedrock

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

what brand soup makes you snore when you sleep?

Its knorr

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

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My wife gave birth today, after she was stable and sleeping I thanked the Doctor, then sheepishly asked 'When we will be able to have sex?'

He winked at me and said 'I knock off in 10 minutes, meet me in the car park'

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Want better sleep?

Buy youtube premium

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

What do you call a sleeping snake?

A King Coma!

A guy walks into a bar waving a pistol

He yells “I’ve got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”

A guy from the back of the room calls out “you’re gonna need more ammo!”

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

My friend says he wants to sleep with Cleopatra

I think he just has mummy issues.

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mort dies suddenly is his sleep.

Mort died suddenly in his sleep.
Beryl, his wife of 55 years phones the local paper to put her loving husbands passing in the obituary.

"Ok my love," says the guy from the paper, "it's a pound a word. What do you want it to say?"

There's a silence for a moment before beryl says, ...

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep.

Not like all the screaming passengers in his school bus.

What's the best thing about sleeping with a geologist?

The ore-gasms.

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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Did you hear about the Amish prostitute?

She was sleeping with two Mennonite

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

I recently started sleeping naked...

That way people stop sitting next to me on the train.

What do you call someone who sleeps around and talks alot?

Horchata

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ...

... is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away ...

If someone refuses to sleep during nap time

They are guilty of resisting a-rest.

My buddy asked me if I could sleep with somebody dead of alive, who would it be?

I said obviously somebody alive.

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

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I dated Amber Heard for a bit, but didn't sleep with her

Couldn't make it passed turd base

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I feel the most at peace when I sleep in the nude

The rest of the passengers on the plane felt different

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

What’s Amber Heard’s Sleep Number?

… number 2

Husband Wife idle chat...

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: ...

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

==========

The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

I Love sleeping naked

They don't understand at work.

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab...

and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

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Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep?

Wherever the fuck he wants.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

A boxer was having trouble sleeping.

He goes to the doctor.

Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?”

Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.”

Two men are talking whilst having beers, 'Call me old fashioned but I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married' he says 'What about you?'

'I'm not sure to be honest' says the friend ' What was her maiden name?'

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I got my Viagra mixed up with my sleeping tablets last night

Ended up having 40 wanks

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

"Would you sleep with my grandmother for £100,000?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "Yes, but I don't have that sort of money to pay her."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

A man lived above a Chinese restaurant.

One night, he was trying to sleep but the restaurant's bright neon lights kept him awake. So he went downstairs to ask the owner of the restaurant if he could turn off any of the lights. "I'm afraid I can't," replied the owner, "but I can dim sum."

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Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

Watching a Movie

I started watching this movie with my wife. The whole movie was a campground, filled with tents and two people sleeping in each. After a while, she told me to turn it off. When I asked if it's because it's boring, she said "No, it's just two in tents."

Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected?

Because he used eye-pads before sleep

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.

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Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being...

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

It's National Narcolepsy Day tomorrow

Only six more sleeps!

Cold

A man woke up early and kissed his wife good morning and goodbye. He made a thermos of coffee and a thermos of hot soup as his car warmed up in the driveway. He packed his fishing gear and proceeded to drive out to the lake for some ice fishing.

As he drove down the road he realized ...

My wife has been sleeping around with other men. Our church pastor is coming over tonight to offer advise. My wife is baking cookies but I'm embarrassed because the cookies are...

Ho-made

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[Final Cake Day joke] A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.


The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.


He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to tak...

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Settlers

So settlers are traveling across the west in a wagon train, and they stop for the night. They circle the wagons, and two guys take up sentry duty as the other settlers sleep.

From the darkness they hear a sound off in the distance.

^(BOOM boom boom boom... BOOM boom boom boom.)

...

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

I don’t sleep with dates on the 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, or 13th date

It’s my prime dating rule

What's the difference between "light" and "hard"?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

Before Chuck Norris goes sleep, he checks under his bed for Volodymyr Zelensky.

Tornadoes don't exist, Volodymyr Zelensky just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris jokes but instead of Chuck Norris it's Volodymyr Zelensky.

A old couple is in bed, lights turned off and making conversation.

The man asks: “how many partners have you had before meeting me?” . His wife thinks and a few seconds later answers: “ I have been with maybe 4 or 5 before you. What about you” she then asks her husband. Seconds, and minutes go by and no answers. “Are you sleeping” she asks, slightly annoyed. The hu...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

What do Santa and Bill Cosby have in common

They only come when you are asleep.

Dog Joke

A husband and wife are having a hard time sleeping, given the fact their neighbor's dog is barking in the backyard all night long. Eventually, the wife tells her husband to go next door and get the dog to stop. The husband obeys and comes back a few minutes later.

"Okay, honey, that should so...

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