Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover

Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away, a whim away, a whim way, a whim away

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.

Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

My deaf girlfriend started talking in her sleep again.

Nearly poked my eye out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."

"Would you sleep with me for $5?"

"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"

"I thought we alread...

What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep?

A roaming Catholic

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

50 more sleeps until Christmas!

Or 3 if you’re a meth user.

Warren Buffett once said “If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.”

and that's why I got into prostitution

“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Said the Papa bear

Then the Mama bear divorced him.

If I sleep in a sleeping bag...

Is it a knapsack?

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

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I tried as hard as I could to get my wife to have sex with me. She just rolled over and went to sleep. At least I know I gave it my best effort . . .

Before hand

What do you call a tutor that sleeps with their students?

A prostitutor

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Why don't black people sleep?

The last one to have a dream got shot.

I told my boyfriend it was time to go to sleep.

He kept saying no.

I told him to stop resisting a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

Kid: Dad I can't sleep

**Dad:** Why not?

**Kid:** There's a monster under my bed.

**Dad:** *[looks under bed]* OMG yes!

**Kid:** Well, I drank the whole can.

What pill do you take to go to sleep?

A pillow.

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

Why did the former leader of Cuba only sleep with Muslim men?

He liked hearing them say "In Fidel! In Fidel!"

The 10 minutes I spend on my phone before I sleep

Are the best 3 hours of my day

r/AskReddit: Colorblind people of reddit. Do you see a man/woman sleeping with lots of people as a red flag?

Or is it just gray for you?

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

Doctor, I keep eating while sleeping!

Well, yes, we'll have to treat you for omnombulism.

Sleeping is so easy

My grandma has been doing it for 20 years!

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

There's nothing I like more than sleeping through a road trip

But they're always saying keep your eyes on the road

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have 2 Shifts...

Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part about sleeping with an Asian woman?

In an hour you'll be horny again

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

What do you call it when a pirate has chronic sleeping problems?

Restless Peg Syndrome

why are so many dutchmen sleep deprived.

Because you cant sleep in the Netherlands

How is sleeping with a woman similar to listening to her talk about her problems?

Chances are she won’t finish...

When a guy sleeps with a lot of women, he is called a stud...

But when a woman does... she is your mother.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

How much sleep do we all need?

Just 5 more minutes..

sleep deprived and thought of joke

So as I said I am sleep deprived and im wondering if this is a good joke I just made up.

Joke:

There are three different reactions to when you say Guinea

Guy 1 will be offended as he is Italian
Guy 2 is wondering how you know what part of africa he is from
and Guy 3 asked...

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sleeping Tablets.

I accidentally mixed my sleeping pills with my Viagra:

Ended up having 40 wanks:

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

I pulled an all-nighter watching a flamingo sleep...

It was outstanding all night.

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

Every night I go to sleep thinking, “I’ve got all the drive to turn my life around.”

And every morning I wake up and think, “why didn’t my suicide attempt work?!”

Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall

If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry Hat Trick

Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

Why did the drummer's wife stop sleeping with him?

Because he used to snare in his sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my friend told me about sleep paralysis..

I said that sounds like a fucking nightmare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

A woman is sleeping in bed with her husband

In her sleep, she says in a loud whisper “Quick get out! My husband’s home!”

The husband jumps out the window

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that bed is meant for just two things, sleep and sex.

Well I've been awake in bed for four hours, when does the sex happen?

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

Trump: “Sleeping with 28 year-olds is amazing.”

Epstein: “Yeah, especially since there are 20 of them!”

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

OH NO NO NO NO

# Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

# On the appointed day, the inspector turne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't people sleep on Saturdays and Sundays?

Sleep is for the week

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get a sleeping Pokemon to shit itself?

Snorlaxatives

Told my girlfriend i wanted to try sleeping in the fetal position.

after a few minutes she said what are you doing you can't fit all the way in there..

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

What’s a guys favorite sleeping position?

Around

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was sleeping with a girl other than his wife...

...he then hears his wife knocking on the door.so he wished that the other girl would disappear,then a fairy appeared and told him that she would grant him his wish but he would drown in 2 years.he accepted and the girl vanished.two years later his friend told him about a vacation on a cruise ship.o...

My Girlfriend said that sleeping with me is not enjoyable for her because I often get distracted.

Well guess I better get back to it then.

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she slept with.

She said: "Yes, I didn't sleep with the others"

What is the Spanish word for accidentally taking a second sleeping pill?

Tambien™

Why couldn't the keyboard sleep?

Cause it has 2 shift

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

I lost my sleeping mask.

I won't rest until I find it.

How can you go without sleeping for 7 days and not be tired?

Sleep at night

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

What did one sleeping bag say to the other?







Damn!



Last night was intense.

I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked...

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

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