Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

I told my boyfriend it was time to go to sleep.

He kept saying no.

I told him to stop resisting a rest.

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

The 10 minutes I spend on my phone before I sleep

Are the best 3 hours of my day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...

She nearly poked my eye out!

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather, in his sleep

Not crying and screaming like his passengers

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have 2 Shifts...

sleep deprived and thought of joke

So as I said I am sleep deprived and im wondering if this is a good joke I just made up.

Joke:

There are three different reactions to when you say Guinea

Guy 1 will be offended as he is Italian
Guy 2 is wondering how you know what part of africa he is from
and Guy 3 asked...

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

I pulled an all-nighter watching a flamingo sleep...

It was outstanding all night.

If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my friend told me about sleep paralysis..

I said that sounds like a fucking nightmare.

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that bed is meant for just two things, sleep and sex.

Well I've been awake in bed for four hours, when does the sex happen?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry Hat Trick

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Sleep is for the weak

No sleep is for the weekend

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

Why couldn't the keyboard sleep?

Cause it has 2 shift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't people sleep on Saturdays and Sundays?

Sleep is for the week

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

One night while sweet talking before sleep.

The wife tells her husband. "I will make you the happiest man alive".

The husband replies, "I will miss you"

I sleep all day and up all night

Guess I have bat habits : /

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

What food can you in eat in your sleep?

Comatoast

The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia

I can't remember which one and it's making me lose sleep!

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

I sleep like a baby...

I wake up every two hours crying/hungry with a load in my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old guys chatting, first guy says, I had a terrible sleep last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up with no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A Roaming Catholic

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

I couldn’t sleep one night because I was wondering what happened to the sun after dark...

...then it dawned on me.

I can't sleep on suspension.

Trust me - I've tried that once and almost fell out of the hammock.

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!

From my nephew: What kind of tents do dogs sleep in?

Pup tents

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Kids look under the bed before going to sleep to check there is no monster.

Monsters check there's no Chuck Norris

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

How do mansplainers sleep at night?

Well, actually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

How can you go without sleeping for 7 days and not be tired?

Sleep at night

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me

\-How?

\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complai...

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

Mary sleeps in class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the entire class. One day, her teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary.... who created the universe?" When Mary didn't answer, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a...

I finally got 8 hours of sleep.

It only took me 4 days.

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

The son asked his father: Dad can me and my friends have a sleep-over?

Dad: Yeah. They can sleep over at they house.

Note: Saw this on Dad Jokes and had to share it.

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

I accidentally ate a hand towel while sleep eating

I dried a little inside

Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?

So she could wake up oily in the morning.

I would rather die in my sleep like my dad. . .

Instead of kicking and screaming like the three people in the car with him.

What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

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