Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep

Unlike the passengers in his taxi

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...

The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.


After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep...

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

I wanna die in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Double standards: if a man sleep with alot of women he is a stud but if a woman does it,

she is a lesbian

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!

When a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he's a "player," but when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys...

...somehow, I'm not one of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut but if a man does it he's...?

Gay.

He's gay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled...

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did.

But not like the children in the school bus with him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me

\-How?

\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and crying like that woman he killed.

I accidentally ate a hand towel while sleep eating

I dried a little inside

How Do Mansplainers Sleep at Night?

Well, actually.

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

Mary sleeps in class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the entire class. One day, her teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary.... who created the universe?" When Mary didn't answer, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a...

You know what they say about the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

The urge to sing is just a whim away

Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?

So she could wake up oily in the morning.

I finally got 8 hours of sleep.

It only took me 4 days.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she's a slut. But what's a man who does the same thing?

Gay.

Definitely at least a little gay.

Was about to sleep when I saw the robber last night in my house searching for money. I immediately got up.

And searched alongside with him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

It's funny how we sleep differently

I sleep on my side, my friend sleeps on his back,
my ex sleeps with everybody.

That sort of thing

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

A deformed squirrel walks up to me.

One of the greatest things I've ever seen, and he agreed to let me take him home to show to my kids.

They loved him.

That night, my son couldn't sleep, so I brought in the squirrel.

My son said "I want a bedtime story".

The squirrel said "Well, I got a short tale".

Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

Recent study shows sleeping is bad for you

Stay woke

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a girl who sleeps with men for adderall?

An attention whore.

How much sleep does a teenager need?

Just five more minutes.

Adam awoke from a deep sleep...

He was up and Adam.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sleep like a baby at night.

Every 2 hours I wake up screaming and shit my pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told ...

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

I sleep better naked

Why can’t this flight attendant understand this?

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

Where do conspiracy theorists hate to sleep?

Debunk beds.

Where did the terrorist sleep?

On a blowup mattress.

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

What do you call a shivering man who lets his wife sleep with other men?

c-cold

If your girlfriend and your sister swapped bodies, which one would you sleep with?

Trick question, they're the same person.

Why does that guy sleeps with a ruler?

To measure how long he sleeps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a flamboyant asian man who likes to sleep outside?

Camp Ping

I'd say that Mexicans do nothing but sleep

But that's just a lazy stereotype.

Chungus is like sleep

I don't get it

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

A guy asks a woman, “would you sleep with me for $100?”

“Of course not!” replies the lady.
”Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old guys chatting, first one says I couldn't sleep at all last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up, no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

Would you sleep with the president for $130,000?

I really can’t say

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

What’s the fastest way to get children to sleep?

Just drop them a couple of storeys.

I like to sleep completely naked

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

What was Lara Croft’s response to Ezio when he asked why she wouldn’t sleep with him?

Ubisoft

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

I couldn’t get to sleep last night, because I wasn’t sure if the sun would come up...

And then it dawned on me.

A mother was having trouble putting her child to sleep.

It's 3 am. No matter what she did, the kid wouldn't fall asleep. She ran out of ideas so she decided to text a friend.

Hey Sam, I'm desperately looking for some advice. Johnny won't fall asleep and I don't know what else I'm going to do to make him fall asleep.

He answers. My dad told ...

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have 2 shifts.

He: Would you sleep with me for $10000? She: Yes, of course I would. He: So will you sleep with me for $20? She: What do you think I am?

He: I thought we just clarified that.

What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

My mother always told me to never go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink.

She's so right, it's really uncomfortable in there!

Where do spies sleep?

undercover

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How come if a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys

She is called a slut, but if I do that, they say I’m dreaming.