Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a woman sleeps with a lot of men she'll be called a slut. If a man does the same...

...people call him gay.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled...

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she's a slut. But what's a man who does the same thing?

Gay.

Definitely at least a little gay.

My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only a whim away

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a woman sleeps with many men shes a slut...

If a man does the same he's a homosexual. When will the double standards end.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did

..not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

Where do conspiracy theorists hate to sleep?

Debunk beds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sleep like a baby at night.

Every 2 hours I wake up screaming and shit my pants.

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Where did the terrorist sleep?

On a blowup mattress.

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told ...

How much sleep does a teenager need?

Just five more minutes.

What do you call a sleep walking nun

Roaming catholic

What do you call a shivering man who lets his wife sleep with other men?

c-cold

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

Why does that guy sleeps with a ruler?

To measure how long he sleeps.

If your girlfriend and your sister swapped bodies, which one would you sleep with?

Trick question, they're the same person.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a flamboyant asian man who likes to sleep outside?

Camp Ping

I sleep better naked

Why can’t this flight attendant understand this?

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old guys chatting, first one says I couldn't sleep at all last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up, no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

Chungus is like sleep

I don't get it

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone who sleeps with you for Adderall?

an attention whore

How'd you sleep last night?

Like god during the holocaust.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

A guy asks a woman, “would you sleep with me for $100?”

“Of course not!” replies the lady.
”Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

It's funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side,my roommate sleeps on his back,my ex sleeps with everybody.That sort of thing

Would you sleep with the president for $130,000?

I really can’t say

What’s the fastest way to get children to sleep?

Just drop them a couple of storeys.

I like to sleep completely naked

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

My mother always told me to never go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink.

She's so right, it's really uncomfortable in there!

I couldn’t get to sleep last night, because I wasn’t sure if the sun would come up...

And then it dawned on me.

He: Would you sleep with me for $10000? She: Yes, of course I would. He: So will you sleep with me for $20? She: What do you think I am?

He: I thought we just clarified that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

A mother was having trouble putting her child to sleep.

It's 3 am. No matter what she did, the kid wouldn't fall asleep. She ran out of ideas so she decided to text a friend.

Hey Sam, I'm desperately looking for some advice. Johnny won't fall asleep and I don't know what else I'm going to do to make him fall asleep.

He answers. My dad told ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers.

They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up l...

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

What was Lara Croft’s response to Ezio when he asked why she wouldn’t sleep with him?

Ubisoft

What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally pooped in my new Sleep Number Bed

I had it set on number two.

Where do spies sleep?

undercover

The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.

It's like being a teenager again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How come if a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys

She is called a slut, but if I do that, they say I’m dreaming.

Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have 2 shifts.

Can a man who sleeps with a prostitute be called a farmer?

Because he uses a hoe to plant his seeds?

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

My best friend is a full-time professional sleep walker.

He's living the dream.

Tonight I’m going to sleep like a baby!!!

Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.

Why can't Anarcho-Capitalists sleep at night?

Because they NAP all day.

There was this girl I used to sleep with

One night we're laying in bed, and I ask her how many people she's slept with, just out of curiosity. She said she didn't know, she doesn't keep track. I asked why not. She said "Because it's the thot that counts"

An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.

When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says "watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies " Nah mate, I got here yesterday."

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do yo...

My friend told me that not getting enough sleep always catches up with you

I guess we’ll just Zzzz if that’s true

Some people can't sleep when they drink coffee. But I'm quite the opposite...

I can't drink coffee when I sleep.

How does Dwyane Johnson sleep after a long day?

Like a rock

Mommy! I don’t want to sleep with grandma anymore

Honey I already told you we don’t have enough money to bury her.

For some, parents going to sleep means the beatings stop...

For me, that means the beating starts.

a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician sleep at a hotel.

Suddenly a fire breaks out.
The chemist in his hotel room panics, look around him, sees the fire extinguisher, successfully extinguishes the fire and leaves the hotel.
The physicist in his room panics as well, looks around him, sees the window, looks outside, sees a swimming pool. he does...

I was complaining to my brother that he sleeps too much

He said to wake him up when i am done complaining.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...