I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

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If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.

But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

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What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

The urge to start singing the popular song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away

A-whim-away

A-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way....

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

Kids look under the bed before going to sleep to check there is no monster.

Monsters check there's no Chuck Norris

How do mansplainers sleep at night?

Well, actually.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!

My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep

Unlike the passengers in his taxi

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complai...

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

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A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

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A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...

The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.


After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep...

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did.

But not like the children in the school bus with him.

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

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A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

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I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

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Double standards: if a man sleep with alot of women he is a stud but if a woman does it,

she is a lesbian

I would rather die in my sleep like my dad. . .

Instead of kicking and screaming like the three people in the car with him.

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me

\-How?

\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

I accidentally ate a hand towel while sleep eating

I dried a little inside

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A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?

So she could wake up oily in the morning.

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A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she's a slut. But what's a man who does the same thing?

Gay.

Definitely at least a little gay.

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

Mary sleeps in class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the entire class. One day, her teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary.... who created the universe?" When Mary didn't answer, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a...

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

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I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

Was about to sleep when I saw the robber last night in my house searching for money. I immediately got up.

And searched alongside with him.

What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

It's funny how we sleep differently

I sleep on my side, my friend sleeps on his back,
my ex sleeps with everybody.

That sort of thing

I finally got 8 hours of sleep.

It only took me 4 days.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

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What do you call a girl who sleeps with men for adderall?

An attention whore.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

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I sleep like a baby at night.

Every 2 hours I wake up screaming and shit my pants.

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

Recent study shows sleeping is bad for you

Stay woke

Adam awoke from a deep sleep...

He was up and Adam.

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Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told ...

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

I sleep better naked

Why can’t this flight attendant understand this?

Where do conspiracy theorists hate to sleep?

Debunk beds.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

Where did the terrorist sleep?

On a blowup mattress.

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

If your girlfriend and your sister swapped bodies, which one would you sleep with?

Trick question, they're the same person.

Chungus is like sleep

I don't get it

What do you call a shivering man who lets his wife sleep with other men?

c-cold

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What do you call a flamboyant asian man who likes to sleep outside?

Camp Ping

A guy asks a woman, “would you sleep with me for $100?”

“Of course not!” replies the lady.
”Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

Would you sleep with the president for $130,000?

I really can’t say

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

Why does that guy sleeps with a ruler?

To measure how long he sleeps.

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

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Two old guys chatting, first one says I couldn't sleep at all last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up, no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

I like to sleep completely naked

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

What’s the fastest way to get children to sleep?

Just drop them a couple of storeys.