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Awake Jokes

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He t...
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One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.
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My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare
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Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?
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3 guys awake after a night of sharing a bed

The guy on the rightmost side looks over to the other two, and says,
"I had the weirdest dream last night, I dreamt that I was getting jacked off!"
He looks down, and surely enough, there's cum stains.
The guy on the leftmost side exclaims,
"Weird! I had the exact same dream..."
He l...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.
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Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"
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I was arrested for being awake too long

The cops said i was resisting a rest
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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...
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I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. A...
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A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"
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What does a dyslexic, insomniac agnostic think about while he lies awake at night?

He is wondering if there is a dog.
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My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...
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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle
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How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.
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People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy

...but really, sleep is for the week
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My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked.

She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.
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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

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Who sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows if you’re awake?

Convicted rapist Brock Turner.

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...
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I watched a documentary on how to stay awake...

It was a real eye-opener.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.
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There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight.

When asked why he did it, he said “Sleep is for the week.”

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
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Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed.

"Are you okay?" the wife asks.
"I guess," he replies.
"I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep."
The man replies, "Who said I was asleep?"
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A man awakes to find himself lying by a lonely country road with no memory of who he is and how he got there. Then a genie appears...

"What is your third wish, master?" the Genie says.

Confused, the man feebly asks, "My wish?", "Who are you, and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the Genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you were and be taken far away from everything ...
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I frequently lie awake at night...

...wondering what keeps insomniacs from sleeping.
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I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 am...

3 am can you believe this?
Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.
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Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School...

Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School, and she's sick of getting in trouble with the Sister who teaches it, so she gets her best friend to sit behind her in class and try to keep her from getting caught.

She attends class, and sure enough, 10 minutes in she's out cold at her desk. T...

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away."

The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?"

The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart."

The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand...
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My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.

Don't think I cooked him properly.
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This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...
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Some sea mammals sleep with half their brain in deep sleep and the other half wide awake

This was developed as an evolutionary mechanism for survival, but biologists have documented a similar mechanism in workers at the DMV
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I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come...

...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
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Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...
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My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
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A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...
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I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.
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My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.
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He sees you when you're sleeping,he knows when you're awake

A date with Bill Cosby
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Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...
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"♪ ♫ He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... ♪, ♫"

Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
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A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Mea...
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...
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A woman who is a month pregnant falls into a deep coma. Three months after giving birth, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...



Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?

Woman: Of course, the good news.

Doctor: You had twins, both girls, and they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them.

Woman: Oh, that drummer... What did he name th...
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A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, “Oh my god, what’s happening? I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, “Yes Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry, we had to amputate your arms.”
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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...
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I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

"I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probabl...

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.



Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.



...
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A man was hiking in China

He walked up a beautiful mountain for hours until it was nearly night. Then he saw an old stone house, two stories high, beautiful but very old work.
He knocked on the door and an old Chinese man opened.
"Hello good sir, I know I am a stranger, but it is getting dark and I don't want to hike ...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but de...
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My girlfriend said that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm.

"That's a bullshit myth," I said.

"Prove it," she replied.

After sneezing ten times I said, "See? I'm still awake and you're not pregnant."

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...

Does Santa work for the NSA?
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A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.

They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them. They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to sta...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...
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What do you get when you combine insomnia, dyslexia and agnosticism?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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A man lived above a Chinese restaurant.

One night, he was trying to sleep but the restaurant's bright neon lights kept him awake. So he went downstairs to ask the owner of the restaurant if he could turn off any of the lights. "I'm afraid I can't," replied the owner, "but I can dim sum."
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A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...
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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed

and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"

The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."

"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
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After a long night at the pub I knocked on the door quietly so I wouldn't wake the kids. I stood there and hoped that my wife was awake, then when there was no sign of her I shouted "Let me in!"

A man opened the door, and said, "Sir, please step away from my taxi."
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A guy meets a pretty hot women in her 50s

She starts chatting him up and then she says you want to have sportsmen double

He asks what is a sportsmen double

She tells him oh its a mother a daughter 3some

He thinks oh well she is hot bet her daughter is super hot

So they go home to her house and she goes Mom you ...
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My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...
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A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?"

Wife: "zero"

Husband really happy: "really?"

Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"

Ok bye
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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

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It worked for the bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.


One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."


"How did you...

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A guy and a hen enter a bar together

They sit down at the table. The hen has extraordinarily long legs.

The waiter asks the guy what he wants.

The guy, with a sad and tired expression asks for a black coffee and a slice of applepie.

The hen promptly says: "I'll have the same, thanks".

The waiter is amazed by...

My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with

"Only with you babe..." I replied

"Awww, really?"

"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."
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Ladder to the top.

A man awakes to find himself in a room with a ladder to the floor above and a $10 bill. A voice speaks “accept what is offered or climb the ladder to success.”

“$10 isn’t much” he thinks so he climbs the ladder. On the next floor he finds $1,000 in cash and a moderately attractive woman willi...
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A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.

He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"

She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an eg...
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Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?

Because the rest of the world is awake!
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