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Noticed Jokes

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale...

...sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis


So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

One day a man noticed


a chicken would come into his house, take a book from the bookshelf in its beak and carry it off into the woods behind his house.

The next day, the chicken came back and got another book, disappeared into the woods. This went on for a few days.

Finally the guy followed the chicken into...

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I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me...

She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from.

So I asked, "Do you know me?"

To which she replied, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and ...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

I first noticed I was going bald

When it took longer and longer to wash my face.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

Noticed the similarity between food delivery drivers and gynecologists.

They can smell it, but shouldn't taste.

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

I noticed something about Christianity


It’s literally pray to win

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

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A man is walking through his local mall and noticed a Mexican book store.

So he decides to go in because he has never seen Mexican book store before. He browses through the store, and then he finally asks the clerk "do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies "fuck you, get out, stay out!". The man replies " yeah, that's the on...

A man was walking his kid home from the park when the kid suddenly noticed two dogs humping...

"dad,"the kid asks."what are those two dogs doing over there?"his dad thinks real quick,"well son, isn't it obvious. That one dog obviously broke his leg and the other one is helping him home."the kid fires back,"wouldn't you know it Dad. You go to help a friend out like that and all he does is f***...

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Have you ever noticed how cocky violinists are?

They take a bow before they even play anything.

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

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Man was riding a bus and noticed one hot nun.

He tried to talk to her but she ignored him and left the bus on her stop. When he was leaving the bus the bus driver stopped him and told:
- I saw that you liked that nun and I know how you can fuck her. Come to the cemetery at midnight dressed as Jesus - she will be praying there. And if you'll ...

A man noticed his credit card was stolen

But he never reported it because the theif was spending considerably less than his wife.

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Johnny's teacher noticed him walking down the street one Saturday--

She was used to Little Johnny's antics by now, but this time was weird, even for him. He was holding a cat, and what looked like a pack of Tic-tacs. He would walk for a little bit, stop, eat a couple of candies, bite the cat, and start walking again.

When they got close enough, she asked, "Li...

I just noticed.......

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, h...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Two trees in the forest one day noticed a seedling that was growing between them.

But the trees were so tall, they couldn’t tell what kind tree it was.

One day a kindly beaver came by, and the two trees asked the beaver if he could tell them what kind of tree was growing between them.

The beaver started nibbling at the seedling and said, “That’s no son of a beech.” ...

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

To attract this man's attention, the lawyer picks up his phone and pretends to be on the phone with a client

The Lawyer: (On the phone) yes, sir, yeah....I told you I never lost a case in my career. Yeah, sure, why no...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

Have you ever noticed that old ladies all smell the same?

Especially when you dig them up after 3 weeks.

Want to get noticed ?

Go jogging without moving your arms.

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

The Jalapeño went to the doctor, complaining of back pain. The doctor noticed it was crooked.

Turns out, he had Scovilleosis

A woman noticed an old guy had his zipper down.

She pointed it out to him and he said "did ya see that tall soldier in there standing at full attention?"

She said, "No, but I saw an old veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

A man at a fancy restaurant noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out and fly toward him. The man caught it mid-air.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner."

After charming dinner conversation, the woman offered to drive the man home.

The man was...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

Have you noticed

That Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.

She said, "this is a coughy filter"

Have you noticed, if you Google the phrase "Lost Medieval Servant Boy. "

It comes back with, "This page could not be found."

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I was at the garden supply center and noticed the price of manure has almost doubled.

Shit's getting expensive.

In a first year college course on philosophy, the instructor noticed one of their students about to fall asleep, so asked,

"You there, what is work?"

The student opened their eyes, thought for a second and responded, "Everything is work."

"What? Everything is work?"

"Yes, teacher."

"Then I take it you would like the class to believe that this desk is work?"

"Yes, wood work", they repl...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

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I just noticed that Oedipus is trending.

It's gotta be for a motherfucking reason.

Noticed something very odd when reading the obituaries yesterday


everyone is dying in alphabetical order!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

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