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Sounds Jokes

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

Sounds legit

A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself,but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.
She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no probl...

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What sounds sexist but isn't sexist?

sexism

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds fun

if you don’t know what either of those are

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

What sounds like a mouse, but much, much louder?

#**A MOUSE**

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Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Sounds of Silence

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man signed," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "You're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me...

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

Making mirrors sounds like a good job

It's definitely something i can see myself doing

I know the word diputserom sounds bad,

but its more stupid backwards

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

Beethoven was exhumed after strange sounds were heard coming from his grave.

They opened the coffin and saw him furiously erasing his works.

He was decomposing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's small, hard and sounds horny?

A horn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What product is actually great even though it sounds like scammy shit?

Shampoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

Why are you always watching other people play video games on Twitch son? Sounds boring.

Anyway, gotta catch the football game on TV.

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

What sounds do lasers make in a church?

Pew pew pew!

What do you call a friend who sounds exactly like you?

A homie-nym.

This one sounds better when you say it aloud: What does Sean Connery’s favorite actress and favorite reptile have in common?

They’re both Dinah Shore.

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