The 108+ Best Noise Jokes

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”

He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”

I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise

Someone was coffin.

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

What happens when you make a noise in Ninja Church?

The nun chucks you out.

My friend has noise cancelling headphones

I don't think noise deserved it, but such is the way if the internet.

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

What noise does a flying broom make?

*Broom broom*

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A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked.

His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the man hears the same buzzing noise and again his wife comes out looking very relaxed. This continues every day for 2 week...

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

Why is it called white noise?

Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

What makes a clip clop clip clop peng peng clip clop noise?

An amish drive by shooting

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.

Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

A farmer heard some funny noises from one of his goats.

Turns out the goat was just kidding.

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

What do you call it when a rattlesnake can't make the rattle noises anymore?

reptile-dysfunction

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"

A woman goes to the mechanic complaning of a terrible noise in her car

The mechanic looks, thinks for a second, and asks her:

"Have you tried turning your Taylor Swift playlist off?"

My wife tried to kill herself last night. I heard noise coming from the garage in the middle of the night so I went to check it out. The car was running with the garage door closed, and she was in the driver's seat crying hard.

This is the last time I buy a Tesla.

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

What noise does a quantum duck make?

Quark

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho

What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

Noise Like a Frog

A little boy runs up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Make a noise like a frog!".

"Make a noise like a frog?", he asks, "Why do you want me to do that?"

"Because I heard mom say, 'When my father croaks we're all going to Hawaii!'".

Two dudes are in a Radio room. Guy 1 says there's this ticking noise.

guy 2 asks what frequency?

Guy 1 Says Frequent

I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee

And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately

A woman hears a noise late at night and sees someone in her shed when she looks out the window

She calls the police and reports a prowler. They say they will send an officer to investigate. Twenty minutes later the police have not shown up and the man is now loading items he is stealing into a van parked in the driveway. She calls the police back and asks where the cops are.

The dispa...

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.

The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house

The woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a d...

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Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...

When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "

So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He
asked.
...

One day, a man was relaxing in his house and heard a noise.

It was coming from his neighbor's house so he went over, knocked on the door and when his neighbor came to the door he said "What's all that noise? It sounds like a chainsaw is cutting a plate!" And his neighbor said "Well I can't tell you. You aren't a Jedi."
"How do I become a Jedi?" asked the ...

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

How do you make an alarm noise in Northern Ireland?

You hit the Belfast!

Happy St. Patrick's Day :)

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What do you call the noises a prostitute makes during sex?

Hormones.

My husband was in the kitchen making a lot of noise....

I asked him what he was doing. He said he was killing flies. I asked if he was having any luck. He said yes, he had killed two males and three females. I asked, "how can you tell?" He answered, " two on the beer can, three on the phone".

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

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What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Did you know that a fungus is responsible for rodents' high pitched noises ?

It's called mice-helium.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

My brother wanted to get a white noise machine

I told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube

A penguin is driving his car when it starts making noise . . .

He takes it to the auto shop, the mechanic says it'll take about an hour. So he goes to the ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream. He comes back and the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, its just ice cream."

Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.

For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.

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Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex?

Cotton balls.

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My wife like to make a lot of noise during sex...

She is so inconsiderate. The other day I had to yell at her to keep it down because I was watching TV.

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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A man walks to his neighbour's house to complain about the noise

He knocks and a kid comes out

The man asks the kid where his dad is the kid tells him "In the shower"

The man then asks where his mom is to which he replies "In the shower"

Then man then says "When the fuck are they coming out then it's been all...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

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I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum

Arse miaou

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Why do we always see lightning before the thunder noise comes?

Our eyes are at the front of our head.

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent....

That just means urine on the joke.

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

What noise does a sheepdog make?

Baaaaa...rk

(Obviously this joke needs to be said out loud to work, but I made it up because of my roomates sheepadoodle and thought it was hilarious so I figured I'd test my luck on reddit)

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

I was at this girls house and we were having a particularly zesty session on her kitchen table. She heard a noise out front and she says, "Oh no! It's my husband! Quick, the back door!!"

In hindsight, I should've ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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I don’t like to make much noise during sex

That might seem weird to allot of people, but if I make too much noise they wake up, then they start freaking out.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow?

Splyat.

Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught ...

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I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

T...

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be ju...

I once met a pig that made horse noises.

It was my neighbor.

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?"

Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

So i was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..

And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said...

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

I bought an LP of wasp noises.

I bought an LP of wasp noises. When I played it the first track didn't sound like a wasp, nor did the second track. It was then I realised I was listening to the B side.

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

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A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

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I barged into Snow White's room to find out what all the noise was about.

I'll tell you one thing, she wasn't fucking happy.

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

I live in a trailer park and noises tend to travel.

My neighbour was banging this chick he brought home and it felt like it had been going on for hours. I was getting annoyed so in my best Mortal Kombat voice I yelled out, “FINISH HER!!!”
Thankfully they finished a few minutes later.
About 2 hours later I hear my neighbour yell out in his Mort...

PC Fan Noises

So I just asked me computer guy why my computer fan makes so much noise when my computer is just starting up. He said not to worry, the fan's just taking a second to get it's bearings.

What starts with F, ends in UCK, and usually means a lot of noises and excitement?

A firetruck

I was making chicken noises in class

Got a detention for using fowl language

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