Why did Donald Trump’s dog keep making a lot of noise ?

It was a Trump-pet.

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

What makes more noise than a Tractor?

2 Tractors

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Little Timmy is in bed and hears a noise

Its the week before Xmas, he gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to his parents room. He opens the door and he see's his Dad taking his Mom doggystyle. Dad notices Timmy, looks down, winks and says;

"Back to bed lad, theres a good boy"

And off Timmy goes...

A few days lat...

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

My young daughter asked me this morning, “Daddy! What were you and mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could here a buzzing noise and then mummy started to scream.”

“Nothing darling.” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!


**NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW**

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

What noise do sheep make where Yoda’s from?

Dagobah.

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Did you know elephants paint their balls red to blend in with cherry trees? What’s the loudest noise in the jungle..?

A giraffe eating cherries

Why don't rabbits make noise when they make love?

Because they have little cotton balls.

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

I got sick of that annoying noise in my car

So I opened the door and pushed her out

What does a muslim do when his car makes a funny noise ?

He/She brings it to the Meccanic.

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

What makes a loud noise when it flies 9.46x10^12 km annually?

Buzz lightyear

What do we want? Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeooooowwwwww

I hate it when my condiments make that farting noise.

Such bad mayoners.

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

I was making chicken noises in class

Got a detention for using fowl language

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I piss on the side of the bowl to make less noise

But that doesn't stop my brother from asking me what I'm doing to his cereal.

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

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Mystery..

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

A physicist moved from the country to the noise of the inner city...

And found the noise there insufferable. But, being a man of science he lined the walls of his apartment with broken Hoover's, Dirt Devil's, and Dyson's, because sound can't travel through a Vacuum.

What noise do French eggs make when they die?

Oeuf

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

What starts with F, ends in UCK, and usually means a lot of noises and excitement?

A firetruck

Make a noise like a frog

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said ...

why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

What kind of noise does a street sweepers engine make

Broom broom

Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught ...

"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"

He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

A man is eating at a restaurant.

A man is eating at a quiet restaurant. In his moment of joy from incredibly tasty food he rips out a huge fart. Really embarrassed, he starts dragging a chair next to him back and forth to simulate a fart noise.

A gentleman eating at the neighboring table says to him:

"It makes a total...

What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

I told some friends I was having trouble sleeping. They said I should try listening to white noise.

I told them I don’t even like Eminem.

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

A woman hears a noise

She thinks it's and intruder and decides to call the cops. The dispatch officer asks her if she saw anything. She replies she only heard it but that she is sure someone is in her house because she can hear footsteps. The dispatch said that they would send the next available officer but that they wer...

What noise does a chickens phone make?

Wing... wing...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

A man complains about the noise of a tennis factory

"You lot are making a racket in there."

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

I absolutely hate the noises that tennis players make at Wimbledon...

What a racquet!

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

What noise does Captain Morgan's chainsaw make?

RUMMRUMRUMRUMRUMRUMRUMRUM

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house

The woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a d...

A penguin is driving down the road and her car starts making a funny noise...

She finds a repair shop and drops it off to get it repaired. While she’s waiting, she notices an ice cream shop nearby, so she goes over to get a cone. On her way back, the ice cream starts to melt and ends up getting on her lips and around her mouth. Walking up to her car, the mechanic lifts his h...

I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom...

I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.

What noise do porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ouch."

I have found out that lot of women make a lot of noise in bed.

I supose they didnt expect anyone in their window.

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A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises.

When do we want them?

#NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww

What did frequency say to noise?

Ouch! That hertz!

What noise does a sports car from Pittsburgh make?

YIIIIIIINNNNNNSSS
YIIIIIIINNNNNNSSS
YIIIIIIINNNNNNSSS

My car was making a really strange noise last night. I went online to diagnose it...

Turns out, my car has cancer.

Someone gave me a white noise machine to help me sleep. It didn't work.

Then again, its hard to sleep with Vanilla Ice playing in the background

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

I love the new Upvote noise Reddit made...

Thank you.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises

Tennis

So a penguin is driving down the road when his car starts making a weird noise.

The penguin sees a mechanic shop up the road and decides that he’ll stop there. He says to the mechanic, “Listen my car is making this weird noise, could ya take a look at it?” The mechanic says, “Sure! Doesn’t look too bad. Should only take 20 minutes.”

Feeling relieved, the penguin walks ou...

A man was taken to court for making deafening noises

He lost his hearing.

What noise does a sheepdog make?

Baaaaa...rk



(Obviously this joke needs to be said out loud to work, but I made it up because of my roomates sheepadoodle and thought it was hilarious so I figured I'd test my luck on reddit)

I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.

So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.

The worst thing about living alone is the strange noises you hear.

It makes me think the owners are home.

Why is the printer making so many noises?

Because the papers are jamming

For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.

She really wanted a hummer.

What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?

A cow.

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

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