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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

I pee on the side of the bowl to make less noise.

My sister wasn't happy that I ruined her cereal.

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a...

A little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Grampa, make a noise like a frog." Grampa asks, "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

The little girl responds, "Cause Daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

Yesterday, I peed into the middle of the water for maximum noise

Now I am not allowed at a baptism anymore.

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Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn.

“What the heck was that?”
“Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.”
“Wow! They know how to treat their help!”

WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!


**NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW**

Why did Donald Trump’s dog keep making a lot of noise ?

It was a Trump-pet.

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I barged into Snow White's room to find out what all the noise was about.

I'll tell you one thing, she wasn't fucking happy.

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

I heard a bunch of weird noises coming from the graveyard last night...

I guess some of the skeletons were coffin'.

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

What makes more noise than a Tractor?

2 Tractors

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

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Little Timmy is in bed and hears a noise

Its the week before Xmas, he gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to his parents room. He opens the door and he see's his Dad taking his Mom doggystyle. Dad notices Timmy, looks down, winks and says;

"Back to bed lad, theres a good boy"

And off Timmy goes...

A few days lat...

What noise does a dead giraffe make?

*thud*

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

What noise do sheep make where Yoda’s from?

Dagobah.

I got sick of that annoying noise in my car

So I opened the door and pushed her out

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

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[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

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Did you know elephants paint their balls red to blend in with cherry trees? What’s the loudest noise in the jungle..?

A giraffe eating cherries

Why don't rabbits make noise when they make love?

Because they have little cotton balls.

I was making chicken noises in class

Got a detention for using fowl language

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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Here’s one for ya

Three guys go and explore a jungle. They get captured by a clan of cannibals. The cannibals tell them to go into the jungle and pick 5 of the same fruit and bring it back.

The first guy comes back with 5 coconuts. The cannibals tell him that if he can get all five up his butt without making a...

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

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A thief breaks into a house...

As he is looting the house, he realizes that the home owner returned, so he decided to hide.

As he is looking for a hiding spot he find four large metal containers with various things in them, he hides in the last one and waits for the owner to leave again.

As the owner returned he kno...

What makes a loud noise when it flies 9.46x10^12 km annually?

Buzz lightyear

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

What do we want? Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeooooowwwwww

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

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Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.

They ask him to tell his most memorable hunting story, and he does.

“Well, back in 1954 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we were big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know a huge lion jumps out of the ...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

Early one morning, late one night

two dead men came out to fight

back to back they faced each-other, drew their swords and shot each-other

A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to rescue the two dead boys

If you don't believe this story it's true, ask the blind man he saw it too

A physicist moved from the country to the noise of the inner city...

And found the noise there insufferable. But, being a man of science he lined the walls of his apartment with broken Hoover's, Dirt Devil's, and Dyson's, because sound can't travel through a Vacuum.

What noise do French eggs make when they die?

Oeuf

What time is it?

dunno. Pass me that trombone and I'll find out.

*[Blows on trombone loudly]*

Neighbor shouting...
###"WHO'S MAKING ALL THAT DAMN NOISE AT 2 IN THE MORNING?!"
#

What starts with F, ends in UCK, and usually means a lot of noises and excitement?

A firetruck

An employee is absent...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

Kids do say the Darnest Things.

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is take...

"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"

He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

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There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**

The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"

"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"

"Why? Is it the noise?"

"No, bastard, it's all this smo...

Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught ...

I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

Why do bagpipe players always walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.

Why do we listen to white noise to fall asleep?

Because black noise hits too hard and rattles the windows

A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"

"Well, you see this shiny rock right here? If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."

"Holy hell, are you serious? Let me try!"

"Oh no I wouldn't. It can be finicky, it...

What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

What kind of noise does a street sweepers engine make

Broom broom

The endless hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house

The woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a d...

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

What noise does a chickens phone make?

Wing... wing...

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

A man complains about the noise of a tennis factory

"You lot are making a racket in there."

A guy in a bar is telling a joke to his friend

"John and his friends are playing 'how high can you throw a brick', the first kid had the brick in the air for 2 seconds, the 2nd one for 4, third one slipped and the brick touched the ground in less than one second, now it's John's turn, he throws the brick in the air aaaand it never drops"
...

I told some friends I was having trouble sleeping. They said I should try listening to white noise.

I told them I don’t even like Eminem.

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

What noise does Captain Morgan's chainsaw make?

RUMMRUMRUMRUMRUMRUMRUMRUM

When I was a kid, my parents told me the noise from their bedroom at night was them wrestling. I didn't believe them so I snuck in one night...

...and got taken out by an RKO out of nowhere.

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

Jokes for car guys

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACECAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.

The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake...

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A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

*gagging noises*

Why does the ocean roar?

You'd make a lot of noise if you had crabs on your bottom too.

I absolutely hate the noises that tennis players make at Wimbledon...

What a racquet!

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