UPJOKE
yetheretoforehithertoinsofarstillevenmuchthoughbutbecausemorebenowtooit

So Far Jokes

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”

Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

I am so far on the spectrum...

...they call me visible light.

It's been six months since I joined the gym—so far no progress.

Tomorrow I’m going down in person to see what's really going on.

My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.

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A tourist told me that Australia is so far away it must be the arse end of the world

I asked him if he was just passing through...

We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far...

when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?

What’s the most positive thing about 2022 so far?

COVID tests

My autobiography has sold zero copies so far

Story of my life.

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Why did noone see Zelenskyys balls so far?

Because the light cant escape the gravity well...


PS: You can really assume the mass of his balls indirectly through effect it has on surrounding world.

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

The way this year has gone so far

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Corona virus vaccine will be available in suppository form only.

I'm so proud of my son. He went so far.

Mother: I'm so proud of my son. Never would I have thought that he would go so far

Father: Yeah, that catapult is awesome.

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

Donald Trump is so far behind in the polls...

....it reminds me of the night he won the Presidency.

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

Listen, all I'm saying is the gambler's fallacy has been right every time so far.

It has to be wrong sooner or later!

I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost

7 days

So what do you think about the Trump administration so far?

It's been alt right

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

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2020 has been bat shit crazy so far

Literally

So far, nobody has made a 2020 joke

Guess they didn't see this coming

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So far I've lost 150 pounds during the epidemic!

It was my mom..
She's not dead. She's just a bitch.

You know, with everything that’s happening so far in 2020…

You’d think someone would have seen it coming!

Wife ask husband how she looks. "So far so beautiful" he replies.

"But don't come any closer, it works the other way around too!"

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

The iPhone 6S+ has been doing really well so far...

It seems to be a huge 6S

My wife says I shouldn't plan so far ahead.

Though, she's not my wife yet.

Learning to read Braille with my index finger hasn't been easy so far

In fact, it's been a pretty bumpy ride

Your hairline is so far back

Rosa parks don't wanna sit there.

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What I learned from reddit so far is that one half of them are horny, another half of them are depressed

And the third half of them are really weak in maths.

so far, so good

What is the origin of the term "So far, so good" ?

A man jumped from the 10th story and is falling to the ground. A woman at the 4th floor sees him from her window and asks, "Hey, how's it going?". The man replies "So far, so good."

So now you all know what it means when your colleague...

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

I haven't been so far deep into the rabbit hole...

...than I have with bestiality

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I decided to quit masturbating and so far it's been a success.

It's just been really hard.

Best Higgs Boson Joke so far

Higgs Boson goes into a Catholic church.
The priest says, "You're not welcome here."
Higgs Boson says "You can't have mass without me."

By far, the best picture of the eclipse I have seen so far.

(

Michael Stipe has died but so far only two people know.

That's me n' the coroner.

2017 has been great so far

So far

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

So far the best Spider-Man movie has been about black Spider-Man...

That’s right, Spider-Man 3

I paid good money and joined a gym 6 months ago, and so far no results.

Tomorrow I am going down there personally to see what the hell is going on......

Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was havin...

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic…

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase… and they look very nice, if you ask me.

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

So far 42 out of 43 presidents actually ran for office.

FDR just kind of rolled himself in there.

At the rate this year's going so far...

I'm probably not going to get that puppy for Christmas.

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

My wife and I are making some artwork in the name of our favourite Bon Jovi song. So far we have the words "Livin' on".

We're half way there.

A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found.

Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

The Reason I'm tired :P (Best Reson so Far)

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on
lack of sleep and too much pressure from my
job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m
tired because I’m overworked. The population
of this country is 237 million. 104 million are
retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
Ther...

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

The control for the air conditioner was so far away

It was not even remotely close

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Recently, my brother opened a brothel. So far, business is going great. Blowjob is 25, anal 50, vaginal is not offered yet.

It's a new enterprise and he's the only one employed at the moment.

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

I've been working on learning Python in my free time. Here's everything I know so far:

Sssssssssssssssssssss.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn't come with instructions. So far we know that if I'm in a good mood, it's green...

and if I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

Why do you never see a flock of seagulls in the middle east?

Because Iran’s so far away

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the military population in our armed forces.

So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

[Long] A family of four decides city life doesn’t suit their style anymore

So they sell their house in the suburbs and buy a dairy-cow ranch. After a week or so, the dad and 2 sons are out mending the fences, when their neighbor comes driving up the road and stops to introduce himself.

“How y’all doin? The name’s Al, friends call me Big Al. Are you folks new to the ...

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

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