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I want to thank my dog for taking a shit on the floor in the dark, causing me to slip in it this morning

Anything that distracts me from the elections is a welcome change of pace.


Side note:this is also a true story. How long are you legally allowed to shower?

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My teacher recently asked "What's a slip in the tongue called?"

Apparently it's not Cunilingus.....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You're in a little later than usual today," the bartender says. "Yeah, it's payday. I wanted to stop by the house first and drop off my pay slip before I came out," the guy replies. "That way if I get in a wreck and die tonight people won't see the pay ...

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In a Nazi concentration camp

The inmates were being led into the gas chamber. One of them slip in front of the door, hit his head and died on the spot, before going inside the gas chamber. And the rest of the inmates were gassed to death too.

They meet each other in heaven and started laughing hysterically about how the ...

The fist President of Zimbabwe was President Banana

It was illegal to joke about this in Zimbabwe. The foreign press would slip in as many puns as they could. But if they got caught they were locked up with no chance to a peel.

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk...

The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and fin...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

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Two women have a ladies-night in a local bar.

They have few drinks, maybe some drinks too many. Sothe decision was made to go home, both very drunk. On the way home they have the urge to pee, right as they walk by an cemetery. Both looking for a quiet spot and do their business and grab ne nearest thing to clean themselves afterwards.

...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.

It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.

"Not tonight, honey." I mumbled. "I'm too tired."

"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

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You what's great about dick jokes?

They're just so easy to slip in there

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Kinky Fun

A man meets a beautiful woman at a bar. They confess to each other that they are into kinky shit and decide to go back to her place.

When they get to her place, she says, β€œI’m gonna go slip into something else,” and goes to the bathroom.

She puts on her leather, knee high, stiletto bo...

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