Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."

"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.

The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."

"Does it feel like dog shit?"

The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like s...

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

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3 guya are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." ...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a...

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran because it's past tents.

A rich guy is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through his head?

The helicopter blade

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

42% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

How long does it take to get through a labyrinth?

A minotaur two.

A Cowboy rides through the desert

For two days. He's hungry, thirsty and tired, his horse too. He sees a small town on the horizon. He finally reaches it on sunset and comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:

"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

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A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turn...

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

If PG&E goes through with the planned outage...

...then I guess we're powerless to stop them.

How does a cat land on its feet and fit through small places?

Mew-tonian physics.

What do you call 3 Mexican guys walking through your property?

Tres passing.

Do you know that there is an invention that allows people to walk through walls?

It's called a door.

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

There's nothing I like more than sleeping through a road trip

But they're always saying keep your eyes on the road

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

Two men, John and Mark are going through the desert when they see a mosque.

John says, "They might give us food, water, and shelter!"

Mark says, "Yeah, but it will help if we are Muslim, so when we are there, I am Mohammed."

John replied, "Okay then Mohammed, let us go to the mosque then, but I am not changing my name."

They arrive at the mosque and are...

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I was strolling through my local graveyard walking the dog...

When I noticed a man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning." I said, tipping my hat to him.

"Nope," he replied "just taking a shit."

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

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I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Ofcourse you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

What is brown, sticky, and walks through the desert?

A caramel.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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What’s the last thing to go through a bugs head when it hits your windshield?

Their ass.

A man is on a journey through the rural countryside

On the first night of his journey, he stops at a farm and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer agrees, but tells the man he must sleep in the barn with his 18 sheep. The man does so and in the morning, the farmer asks the traveller how he feels. "I feel like wool. Wouldn't you feel like wo...

A blond was speeding through town in a brand new Corvette...

She gets pulled over by a cop who is also a blond. The cop says," I'm going to need to see your driver's license."

The blond driver asks,"What does it look like?"

"Well, it's rectangular and has a picture of you on it"the cop replies.

She grabs the vanity mirror and hands it to ...

A man walks through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

A photon is going through airport security......

The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage.

The photon says, "No, I am traveling light."

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

My two friends who are both clowns are going through a divorce - it's the kids I feel sorry for

There stuck in the middle of a custardy battle

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

Did you hear about the car that drove through the party?

It was quite a Fiesta

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A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."

"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the monkey.

"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."

So the monkey and the lizard are smoking...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our ...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

You wanna know why my bank has a drive-through window?

So that the real owners of the car can check up on it.

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

One night I was walking home through a dark street

I saw a girl in front of me. She looked around and moved faster. I also moved faster. She ran and I ran. She screamed and I yelled. I din't even understand why we fled, but it was really scary.

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