Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when you have guests you can say the password is 12345678

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan?

Minefeld.

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What’s it called when you hook up with a set of twins?

A doppelbänger

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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

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What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar...

The bartender looks at them warily and says:

Okay,okay,I'll serve you...but don't start anything

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

I bought my son a drum set today

My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

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Three worshippers set out one day to serve their Gods

Eager to prove their devotion, the three worshippers go their separate ways.

First is Bliss, a proud Jehovah's witness. She stays in her neighborhood, visiting door-to-door to save her community's souls.

Next is Chris, a Mormon missionary. He visits Zimbabwe to spread the good word to ...

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

Kid, why did you set my wife on fire?

I wanted a hot mom.

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling m...

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

If you love someone, set them free.

Keeping people tied to a wardrobe in the spare room rarely ends in happiness

Did you know Helen Keller had a swing set in her backyard?

Neither did she.

Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

Set you Wifi password to 244466666

So you can say the password is 123456.

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories?

Aesop’s Cables

My friends have set me up on a date tonight, they told me she's a paleoanthropologist and wrote her thesis on Pleistocene man.

I really want to make a good impression so I've been watching every episode of Morph I can find.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

A friend once set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."


I felt like a total idiot waiting in the club wearing nothing but a diaper.

I was in a store doing looking at some stationary set

Suddenly I had an urge to let out a lot of gas. Thankfully the store was playing rock music very loudly. So I timed my farts according to the beat of the music. There was no way anyone could have heard me.
When I was done, I looked around and saw all the customers heads were turned to me.
...

A woman with an MLM set up shop in front of my house

In anger, I step outside ready to kill her. Then I see my What Would Jesus Do wristband.

So I grabbed a whip and chased the her out of my temple

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

A hobbit always sets his cellphone to vibrate.

Because he’s afraid the ring would give him away.

My chemistry set blew up...

I guess oxidants do happen!!

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

Did you hear about Titanic II gearing up to set sail in 2022?

Good thing we melted all our glaciers in the preparation.

Erdogan set to lose Istanbul

Now it's Constantinople.

Why does the sun never sets in the British Empire?

Because even God doesn't trust the English in the dark.

Credits : Shashi Tharoor

How did the pirate warn his child about a fire he had set?

He yelled “Arson!”

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

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What do you call the guy who works the lights on a porn set?

The illumi-naughty.

Did you hear about the doctor who set up a new office every month?

Each one looked promising but he'd get frustrated and close it and move to a new location.


He just didn't have the patients.

Just bought a set of dice but all the 2s, 4s and 6s have been blanked out.

They're very odd.

I just set my fb name to Nobody

So whenever I see an ugly post, I like it and it says Nobody likes your post

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

Set a fire for a man, he'll be warm for a night

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

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A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

What did Will Smith say when he was set on fire?

Ahh, that's hot. That's hot

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

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I used to bang a set of twins.

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

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On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

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A fishing man catches a golden fish and sets him free

The thankful fish grants the kind man three wishes, but adds that whatever the man wishes for, his arch enemy gets the double amout of it.
"OK, I wish that I had 10 million Dollars!"
"Here we go!" the fish answers. "But your arch enemy has now 20 million Dollars."
"I wish I had 20 female at...

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

I gave my friend a set of alphabet letters.

He lost a letter a few days later.

So I told him to give the set back to my baby brother.

He asked me why, so I told him to look into the box.

He takes them out and counts how many of each letter there were.

"four 'A's, four 'B's, four 'C's, ... four 'T's, three 'U's, fo...

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

I wanted to set up a procrastinators support group

But I kept on postponing it on my reminder

Did you hear about the kid who lost his lord of the rings LEGO set?

He was LEGO less.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Money-wise I’m set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

On the last mission to the moon, NASA set up a restaurant.

It didn’t last very long.

The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

Soylent Cola, the soda made from grinding up people, is said to not have a set flavor

They say the taste varies from person to person.

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

There was a Machete accident on the set of Spy Kids 5

now starring Tranny Trejo

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

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