UPJOKE
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Set Jokes

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks you, tell them it's 12345678

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

A brunette woman was walking along a set of railroad tracks, repeating to herself, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

A blonde woman saw the brunette and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just walking along a railroad track and saying 42, 42, 42," replied the brunette.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure."

So the two women walked along the track repeating, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

Another bl...

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Little Johnny is playing with his electric train set in the living room…

…and his mom is in the kitchen when she hears him say, “The train has arrived at the station. All you mother-fuckers getting off, get off and all you mother-fuckers getting on, get on.”

She immediately scolds him for the language and puts him in time-out for 30 minutes. He comes back afterwar...

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

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A bra, a car battery and a set of jump leads walk in to a pub.

The landlord looks at the bra and says, "I'm not serving any of you. You're off your tits and your friends look like they're about to start something",.

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Why are boobs like a train set?

They're meant for children, but Dads love playing with them too!

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

What does Forrest Gump have his email password set as?

1Forrest1

Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.

Cause you don't turn your back on family.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

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It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, hon...

For sale. George Foreman grill set and Mohammed Ali dvds.

Both boxed.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

my boyfriend set up a bukkake party for me

so many people came! you should've seen my face

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Spoke to my Doctor about getting artificial knees. It came down to a set of titanium replacements made in Tokyo or a set made in Taipei.

So its Japan knees vs. Taiwan knees.

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I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

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The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying........''All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who ar...

Actresses working with Tarantino have described him as a very demanding director, with whom it took effort to set proper boundaries.

"You know how it goes", they said. "You give him an inch, and he takes a foot".

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A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

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What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

Why does the sun never set on the British empire?

Because God can't trust the British in the dark.

My friends set me up on a blind date.

I can’t wait to see her guide dog!

Sometimes the punchline comes before the set up.

You know what is wrong with tcpip jokes?

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Zombie movie set. The director is pissed....

The director screams "stop that!". "Okay, let's try again".

Zombies drudge down the hall halfhazardly, and as it seems to be going well the director screams "CUT!", then walks out and grabs one zombie in particular.

The zombie actor is bewildered and shocked. The director says "why do...

Alec Baldwin has resumed shooting on the set of Rust.

In other news, filming will resume next week.

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

France sets new land speed record

A truly great outcome for the engineers and the driver of the vehicle they named, "S" Car Go.

I always set the clock in my car ahead of the current time…

So whenever I get in it I’m going back to the future.

I tried setting a password for my new Reddit account.

I put in “MyDick”.

It said the password was too short.

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

Get set.....

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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David sets up Andy to go on a blind date

David sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Melissa, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly? What do I do if we don't connect" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." D...

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was j...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

I got thrown off of a TV commercial set a few years ago.

We were filming an ad for Taco Bell. The director didn't like being corrected. He kept saying "That's a wrap" when clearly it was a Taco Supreme.

Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.

As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known ...

New drum set

I'm thinking of picking up a new drum set. Any advice?

Don't worry about it. They aren't as heavy as they look.

my kid asked if he could buy a chemistry set to make chloroform.

I said sure, knock yourself out.

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I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis

It has 3 reichs

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

A fisherman is looking for an extra set of hands on his boat ...

He goes into town to try and hire some help. He meets a man and asks him if he'd be interested in a job on his boat. The man replies "I'd definitely be interested, what does it pay?" The fisherman replies "I don't have a lot of cash, but I can pay you one fish per day." The man immediately respo...

Dad finds a BDSM toys set in his daughter's room

"Well, I'm assuming that punishing you is pointless..."

What sets carbon apart from the other elements?

It’s the only element with based life forms.

A quip in which the punchline comes before the set-up.

What is a Jeopardy joke?

No one could really figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame….

….but Quasimodo had a hunch.

Why did the vampire set Van Helsing’s house on fire?

He likes his stakes well done

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

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An octopus walks into a bar with a set of bagpipes.

The barman asks, “what are you going to do with those?”

The octopus replies, “well, once I get its pyjamas off, I’m gonna fuck it”

Driving into the SunSet...

The couple drives silently in a car along the country road. She suddenly says,"Walter, I'm getting a divorce!"
He doesn't say anything, just accelerates slightly.
She says,"I've had a relationship with your best friend for a long time, and he's a better lover than you." He doesn't say anything...

So Jack Osborne sees 2 heavy set women talking.

He can hear they have a thick British accent. He walks over and asks politely are you 2 ladies from England. 1 of the women snapped at him and said it's Wales you idiot. Jack snaps back and says oh I'm sorry are you 2 whales from England?

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

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A series of jokes because I never see the full set

Why are elephants so good at hiding in trees?

Because you never see them.

How do they hide in cherry trees?

They paint their balls red and climb up

What's the loudest sound in the Savannah?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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A premise, a set-up and a punchline walk into a bar…

The set-up spent most of the night with the premise, but ended up fucking the punchline.

I only use one pronoun set.

You/people don't seem to appreciate it

The holidays are coming up, and I've set a New Years resolution for myself

1920x1080

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings?

Language!

How do know when a punchline doesn’t fit the set-up in a joke?

A frog in a blender.

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Tits and LEGO Sets have a thing in common

It's meant for the kid but the dad ends up having the most fun with it.

Why were Star Wars 4,5,6 set before 1,2,3 ?

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was put!

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

What do you call a gaming party set in Australia?

A LAN down under.

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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a sp...

My sons teacher called me today to tell me he'd hit a classmate with a set of Roman numerals.

That's not what I meant when I told him he should give bullies the old one-two.

I just ate a scrabble set

Now I'm having consonant vowel movements

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it’s not your son, it’s arson.

My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous...

I’ve never met herbivore.

The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.

"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting p...

I was setting the voice recognition password of my mobile.

A dog barked and ran away.

I am still looking for that dog to unlock my mobile.

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the blind chick say on the porn set?

Didn’t see that one coming

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted

So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..









...Dissa-1

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

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What do you call a set of nuts on the wall?

-Wallnuts

What do you call a set of nuts on your chest?
-Chestnuts

What do you call a set of nuts on your chin?
-A mouth full of cock!

I bought my son a drum set today

My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

I bought an England stationery set earlier.

It's missing three pens.

Did you know that Scarlett Johansson kept getting lost on the set of Black Widow?

She kept Romanoff.

How does a pirate set up a Bluetooth speaker?

Parrot with his phone

My chemistry set blew up...

I guess oxidants do happen!!

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that all blonds are dumb...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that blonds are dumb. So, he calls a meeting with all the blonds in the town to disprove this stereotype once and for all.

The researcher gathers alls the blonds in an auditorium and announces his plan to the crowd.

"To disprove the st...

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.

They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.

One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".


"Yes."

An hour later, no car has passed by.


"Are you sure you got the time right?"...

In 2025 the world is set to change its official language to Finnish

all other languages were deemed un-finnished

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I needed to set a password.

I tried entering penis but it told me that it wasn't long enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

Found these set of math jokes in an old notebook

Q. What is a PJ?

A. Poor Joke.

.

Q. What is P + iJ?

A. A complex joke.

.

Q. Why is the complex joke not funny?

A. Because the joke part is imaginary.

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

Philip Schofield set to leave ITV..

Rumours say it’s because he now prefers BBC.

New Zelda game is going to be set in Spain at Christmas time. Story surrounds freeing a fairy’s captured father.

Zelda: Release Navi’s Dad

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen

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"A 45 minute nap should set me straight "

8 hours later : wakes up as a gay

My boss told me i need to set up the company's 401k

But I don't think I can run that far..

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