I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling m...

Set you Wifi password to 244466666

So you can say the password is 123456.

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

^(Disclaimer: Don't try this at home.)

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fishing man catches a golden fish and sets him free

The thankful fish grants the kind man three wishes, but adds that whatever the man wishes for, his arch enemy gets the double amout of it.
"OK, I wish that I had 10 million Dollars!"
"Here we go!" the fish answers. "But your arch enemy has now 20 million Dollars."
"I wish I had 20 female at...

Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

Did you hear about the kid who lost his lord of the rings LEGO set?

He was LEGO less.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

A golfer sets his ball on the tee and lines up his shot.

He takes a massive swing and puts the ball into a huge forest of trees along the fairway. He finds his ball and sees an opening he thinks he could sneak the ball through. Taking out his three wood, the golfer takes another mighty swing. The ball bounces off a tree and fires back at him, nailing him ...

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

I wanted to set up a procrastinators support group

But I kept on postponing it on my reminder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

Money-wise I’m set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to bang a set of twins.

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Mahatma Ghandi, as everybody knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet...

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

Soylent Cola, the soda made from grinding up people, is said to not have a set flavor

They say the taste varies from person to person.

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

At the beginning of the year I set a New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds...

Does losing £10,000 count?

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts ‘mypenis’ and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

I set my WIFI password to 244466666

That way I can say "the password is one two, three four, five six"

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I set up a page for Chinese Nazis

It's got its Third Reich on Facebook

Im so old, the DJ in this bar just dedicated his next set to me !

...and turned off the music

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

Why did the Indian set his friend's turban on fire?

It was a sikh joke.

My ex says I set a bad example to our kids.

How's that true? They never even see me!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a horny drum set watch?

Badum tits

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.

So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Girlfriend thinks i can set a world record for masturbation

Do you think I can pull it off?

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"

"Usually about three."

"And how much do you pay for a beer?"

"Including tip? About $5 per beer."

"How long have you been drinking beer?"

"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."

"So, at three beers ...

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Even God didn't trust the English in the dark.

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it’s actually opened a lot of doors for me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child.

He never really got over it.

What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set?

Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind!

... buh dum cschhhhhhhh

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

What time does the wicked witch have her clocks set to?

Greenwich mean time.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.

"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting p...

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Catholic girl is set to marry a man from Greece...

The night before the wedding, the girl’s mother takes her aside and warns her about the reputation Greek men have:

“Now you listen to me, Sunshine- those Greeks like their sex... *a certain way*, if you catch my drift. If he ever tells you to flip over so he can have you another way, I want ...

What's the difference between a daredevil and a set of showgirls?

Well, one of them as a set of cunning stunts..

​

​

(this wasn't my joke, just thought it was funny)

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

I couldn't afford a set of false teeth, but I found a guy who would make me a set in exchange for me doing some work around his house.

I guess you could say it was indentured servitude.