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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

What does the clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

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Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

A blonde goes to the hairdresser

A blonde goes to the hairdresser wearing headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take her headphones off. No! The blonde replies. But m’ am, your headphones are in the way, please take them off. No! The blonde says again. Because the blonde refuses to take her headphones off, the hairdresser sees bu...

Why do bacteria wait 5 seconds before touching food?

They first need to skip an ad

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles”.

Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”

“No” he replies, “it’s puddles. And don’t ask.”

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given t...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

The roof was caving in by the minute. I spent my few seconds deciding what to do...

And then it hit me.

A Mexican magician is going to disappear in three seconds

He says to the audience, "I will disappear in three seconds"

"Uno" "Dos" *poof*

He disappeared without a tres.

What would you call a second holocaust?

“Deja Jew”

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

You know you shouldn't have bought that second-hand car when...

...the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn.

What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

What do whales do on a second date?

Net flicks and krill.

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

I have 2 friends name Juan, to avoid confusion I call the first one Juan and I call the second one....

Another Juan!

I'm always second guessing myself

At least I think I do

Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

If Jesus had his second coming, I doubt he’d let anyone crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A wife asks for a present that would make her go from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.

The husband got her a bathroom scale.

A teacher gives her students of second grade a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the following
day. One of those students, went home and decided that he could present on the topic of cows, and learns some lines..
“A cow is an animal. It has 4 legs, one mout...

So Justin Beiber and Ed Sheeran collaborated for the second time on their new song called 'I Don't Care'. What was the first you ask?

I don't care.

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Two old guys chatting, first guy says, I had a terrible sleep last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up with no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

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Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curi...

A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.

He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."

The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too h...

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

The lunch our mom made was so amazing, my brother called seconds...

... but i called minutes

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them,

The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

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What’s the name of the second studio album by Nirvana?

Nevermind, I found it.

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What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?

First honeymoon, Niagara.

Second honeymoon, Viagra.

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.

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The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

Memory is the second thing to go

Don't ask me the first, I forgot

(Reworded a bit but got this from a teacher)

Me: Hey, can you say the second last letter of the alphabet?

Friend: Why?

Me: Thanks

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Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

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I sexually indentify as kilometers per second

Because I want to km/s

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion...

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what ...

A joke my second grade teacher used to tell

Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.

There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a qua...

My boss once said to me “You’re my second favorite person”

I asked “Well who’s your favorite?” He replied, “Everybody else.”

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”



“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.



“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”



“All right,” Tammy says. “...

*Airhorn sound* *Second airhorn sound.*

Me: This is not my deodorant

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

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What do you call a second-hand prostitute?

An after-thot.

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

r/communism is the one of the biggest jokes on the planet, second only to

communism itself.

The Golden State Warriors just suffered the second biggest sports collapse to date...

First probably has to go to Notre Dame.

What happens when a very small animal is born on the world’s second largest island?

New Guinea Pig

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

They say each strip of bacon you eat takes one second off your life...

I did the math, I should have died in 1774.

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

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Timmy is starting the second grade

On the first day of school, the teacher has baked cookies for the class.

When she gets to Timmy, he replies "I don't fucking want one."

The teacher is shocked but doesn't say anything. Fortunately, her webcam has recorded the incident.

She sends a note home with Timmy asking fo...

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

My friend, who's a shirt designer said he makes shirts in 45 seconds.

But I knew he was fabricating lies.

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day.

It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath.

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