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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.

​

When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When sh...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

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Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

​

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

If Jesus had his second coming, I doubt he’d let anyone crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curi...

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.

He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."

The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too h...

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

Me: Hey, can you say the second last letter of the alphabet?

Friend: Why?

Me: Thanks

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given t...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion...

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

*Airhorn sound* *Second airhorn sound.*

Me: This is not my deodorant

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

​

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

​

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

&#x200...

I once got to second base in Ireland

I'd have gone farther, but it turns out the Blarney Stone has some pretty good security

r/communism is the one of the biggest jokes on the planet, second only to

communism itself.

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually indentify as kilometers per second

Because I want to km/s

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

The Golden State Warriors just suffered the second biggest sports collapse to date...

First probably has to go to Notre Dame.

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a second-hand prostitute?

An after-thot.

A guy said to God, "Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

It really hit me today that I could die at any minute. Literally any second of the day could be my last. I dont want to die sad. If I can truly and deeply love myself I won’t die alone, I’ll die but in the arms of the one I love.

Cashier: This card was declined too, sir...

What happens when a very small animal is born on the world’s second largest island?

New Guinea Pig

They say each strip of bacon you eat takes one second off your life...

I did the math, I should have died in 1774.

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy is starting the second grade

On the first day of school, the teacher has baked cookies for the class.

When she gets to Timmy, he replies "I don't fucking want one."

The teacher is shocked but doesn't say anything. Fortunately, her webcam has recorded the incident.

She sends a note home with Timmy asking fo...

My friend, who's a shirt designer said he makes shirts in 45 seconds.

But I knew he was fabricating lies.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day.

It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath.

I can't believe how supportive my wife was after telling her I was going to take a second wife

She said it was bigamy.

A joke my second grade teacher used to tell

Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.

There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a qua...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

Can anyone recommend a second-hand store?

I need a new one for my watch.

If you think you have a grammar or spelling mistake, simply post it to Reddit and you’ll know within seconds if you made one or many.

Make sure you write "sorry for grammar mistakes English is not my first language"

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

Second Home

If school is considered to be "your second home,", then I want to be second-homeless.

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

A teenager girl goes for confession and tells the preist that she's pregnant with the second coming.

Naturally, the priest is furious at the implied blasphemy.

"How dare you? That's blasphemy. Explain yourself. How do you know you're pregnant with the second coming?" he thundered.

I... I... I.. I swallowed the first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It can take years to build a great relationship but only seconds to destroy it with the wrong words.

e.g. "Sarah, I'm gay"

What did the Muslim child say after having been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands!"

My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

This is very sad, but did you know, every 60 seconds in Africa:

A minute passes

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what ...

Did you know scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence?

That means woman just got pushed to 3rd place

What do you call a loyalist in the 1760s who had black sticky stuff thrown on them for a second time?

Re-tarred

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This *is* your thirty-second birthday."

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy

The tetrahedron is the second coolest platonic solid.

Right next to tucking your homie in for bed.

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is better than getting second place in the special olympics

Not being retarded

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They said you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother but the second you have sex with her

best friend Karen, you're suddenly a bad guy.

What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.

Muffins are in the oven, one says "Is it getting hot in here?" A second screams, "Aah! A talking muffin!"

A third pipes up, "Duuuude, we're so baked."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

What do you call the first migrant off of the boat? Amhere. What do you call the second migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell. What do you call the third migrant off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azthem..

The best time to start something new was yesterday, the second best time is right now

... unless it's procrastination, that can wait until tomorrow