What do you get if you insert strands of Human DNA into a goat...?

Banned from the zoo.

(Insert good title here)

Q:What is a books favorite breakfast?

A:A synonym roll!

First post

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

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*Insert title here*

A town was talking about meeting attendance. It was low and they needed something interesting for the next meeting. They decided to hire a hypnotist. The next meeting comes around, and with word of the hypnotist, the building is packed. The hypnotist swings a watch back and forth saying "Watch the w...

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A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

An old [insert race/ethnicity] man is laying on his deathbed, surrounded by his family ...

He says, "Gather everybody around, I have some last words!"

"OK papa, everybody's here!"

"Are all my brothers and my sisters here?"

"Yes papa, they're all here!"

"And my children?"

"Yes papa."

"And my grandchildren?"

"Yes papa, **everybody's here!**"<...

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Anal insertions are not my favourite.

But they are right up there.

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

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I'm gonna do my best to translate this from my native language......

there was this guy who was so horny when he went to the doctor, the doctor missed diagnosed him and instead, he prescribed him viagra so the dude became extra hornier that he started fucking everything with a hole, he fucked his wife, daughter than to his son and didn't spare even his mother. so the...

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

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A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

Book Jokes.

I read a thriller in Braille.
You can really feel the suspense.

I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

I read a book about submarine construction.
It’s riveting.

I’m reading a book about adhesives.
It has me glued to my seat .

I...

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

I’ve finally gone and bought some memory foam inserts for my slippers.

No more forgetting why I walked in to the kitchen.

[insert phone ringing sounds]

Boss: why aren’t you picking it up?????

Me: I always answer on the 3rd call. Makes me cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP

Me: fine [picks up phone] 911, what’s you emergency?

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seat-belt.

One day, a farmer goes to the store...

He asked for one can of dog food.
Store owner: "Boy, you ain't got a dog."
Famer: "Yeah I do."
Store owner: "Prove it, then."
Farmer: "Fine!"
So the farmer got his dog and brung it to the store, and got his dog food and left.
The next day, the farmer goes back to the store.
Farm...

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Ted's new girlfriend tell him to put a finger in her.

"Put a finger in me," said Tammy. Ted obliges her and puts a finger in her vagina.

"Now put another one in," she says and ted puts a second finger in.

"Now three."

"Now four," Ted continues to oblige and has four fingers in.

"Just put the whole hand in," Ted now inserts h...

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

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A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

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A man and a women are outside having sex...

Out of no where a bee flies into the women’s vagina. They both freak out and rush to the hospital.
The man says “Doctor, there’s a bee in my wife’s vagina! Get it out!”
The doctor thinks very quickly about how to deal with the situation. “Alright, I have idea but it might seem unorthodox. No...

Change comes from within

But you have to insert a dollar first

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I have a friend from [insert inbred town here]

I have a friend from Norfolk [or insert another inbred town here] who can count all of their sexual relationships on one hand.

Three cousins, two Aunties and their Mum.

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

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The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

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After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me.

This voodoo doll is fucking amazing!

Insert joke here

This Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulder, he tells the border guard the the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn't believe him. The guard detains the guy, then rips open the bags, nothing but sand, he even has the sand analyzed, only t...

Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing

Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.

My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and th...

Don't insert citric acid into your body without medical supervision

you could get LemonAIDS

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

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There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

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A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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A man was admitted into hospital today with 6 plastic toy horses inserted up his rectum

The doctor treating him described his condition as stable.

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Got into a fight in a bar

Met some new people at the bar and tried to break the ice with some jokes.


Went well, till I went to the more offensive ones. Here's the joke I told:

*"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."*

One guy goes crazy and h...

I haven't [insert] since last year.

(obligatory)

How do you get a (insert college here) grad off your front porch?

You pay em' for the pizza

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A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience.

A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience.

The madam introduces him to a working woman with a glass eye whom brings him to her room.

Once there, she pops the glass eye out of the socket and tells the man to insert his penis in the orifice and thrust in and out.

F...

There once was a wise old man...

There once was a wise old man in a village. Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.


Many came to him with questions, until one day he took a vow of silence, shuttering his open door. Instead, he turned to his untended field. He wou...

A journalist named John moved to a new city, where he noticed something strange...

Citizens of the city get a quarter for every bag of garbage they throw out!
John did not understand how this came to be, and decided to ask one of his new neighbors.

The neighbor told John that a few years ago, the city was not special at all with its garbage disposal system. Everybody di...

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Doctors inserted a catheter into me months ago and still haven’t removed it.

I think they’re taking the piss.

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

What's the tallest building in [insert your town/city here]

The Library, it has the most stories......

This joke requires you to <insert friend's name here>.

<Insert friend's name here> is walking along a country path and comes upon Mark Wahlberg enjoying some coitus with an unfortunate sheep whose head has become stuck in a fence. <Insert friend's name here> says, "Hey Marky-Mark, what are you doing to that sheep?" Mark replies, "I was just ...

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

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*emailing dick pic

Computer: Insert file

Me: ok *browse the file

Computer: Try again

Me: *did it again

Computer: Try again

Me: *tries again

Computer: Harder!

Me: what?

Computer: what

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The newlyweds, the doctor, and the bee

A man and a woman are newly married. On their honeymoon they do the forbidden, but something bad happens. They go to the doctor to resolve it.

Doctor: what’s the problem?
Husband: me and my wife were having sex on our honeymoon and a bee flew up my wife’s vagina.

The doctor is horri...

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I went for my prostate examination this morning.After inserting a finger into my arse and having a good feel around, the doctor looked at me and said,

"that should be my finger, not yours"

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

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Fancy dress party

A factory hired two new <insert ethnic minority here> employees.
At lunchtime the HR dept officer tells them about the factory annual fancy-dress party that just happens to be on Saturday night.
"now guys, this'll be a great way to bond with your new co-workers, we are having a costume...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

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