UPJOKE
formeroldbygoneagorecenthistorytimefuturelatepreviousgonelasthistoricprehistorichistorical

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

I've been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past..

The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

I'm making a graph of my past relationships...

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little co...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

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A man drives past a retirement home on his way to work...

and is surprised to see three naked elderly women out on the lawn. On his way home, he sees the same naked women, in the same spot, and gets concerned.

He goes to the building's front desk to ask about them. The woman there explains that they're the newest residents.

"They're former pr...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

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Two Jews are walking past a church

Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"

The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"

The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."

"You can't be serious," says...

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Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replie...

A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

If we make it past 2020, I'll be dreading 2022.

After all, 2022 is 2020, too!

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Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

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What did the 3 tampons say when they walked past you?

Nothing! They were all stuck up bitches...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA stroking a large, white feather.

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down"

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

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Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice

"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

And i was really confused so i asked why and he said

"Because they are still alive."

Original: tumblr u...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

A man and his wife are walking past the graveyard…

A man and his wife are walking past the graveyard, and notice there’s a new headstone, which says:

HERE LIES ALAN SHEWSTER
A GOOD MAN
AND A GOOD LAWYER

The wife turns to her husband and, shaking her head disapprovingly, remarks “shameful, just shameful…”

“What do you mean?...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

I was looking up the history of past US Presidents and I realized a startling fact.

Statistically, an American President has been indicted on an average of more than two felonies.

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A teenage couple were heading home past the graveyard, when, overcome with lust, they snuck in, and got down to it on a convenient gravestone.

The girl then hurried home, and when she got in, she complained of having a sore back to her mother. Her mum asked to look at her back, and then tutted.

"What is it? " Asked the girl. "Can you see anything?"

"I can't see anything wrong with your back", replied her mother, "but your b...

I don’t judge the past of my Garth Brooks loving cannibal girlfriend

But what she’s doing now is tearing me apart

The IT guy at work has been missing for the past few weeks.

He must have..ransomware.

One of the most underrated events of the past must be the invention of the lock.

It was a ….key turning point of history.

An Irishman walks past a bar.

Just kidding.

Algebra reminds me of my past relationships

I mean, have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who’s been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts…

“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.

“That’s my house,” says the castaway.

“What’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third hut?”

“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s ...

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

For the past three weeks, I've been jogging a mile a day

Now I don't know where I am.

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A guy drove past...

A guy drove past an isolated farm and was horrified to see an old woman yanking on her boobs while the old man was jerking off. The driver, freaked out, stopped by the next house.

"What's up with your neighbors?" He asked.

"Oh, that's Harts. They're both deaf. She's telling him to go m...

How do you get past defense?

You open degate.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

Two great opportunities are walking past a bar.

The one says to the other, “Let’s go inside and get wasted.”

Unlike past US Elections, the 2024 election is shaping up to be a feisty contest between the GOP and Dems.

The Geriatric Old People's Party and the Dementia Party.

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up t...

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I just walked past a car filled with black people.

They locked the door as I passed. I felt like a bad ass until I realized that it was my car.

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery…

When a group of spiritualists walked up to me and explained that they were too afraid to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.Then I told them “I understand, I also used to be freaked out too when I was alive”.

I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!

what’s the past tense of seesaw?

is it seensaw or sawsaw?

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.

I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

2 Blondes drive past corn field

They see another blonde, in the middle of the field in a row boat, rowing away.
"It's blondes like that that give the rest of us a bad name!" one complains to the other. "Yeah! If I could swim, I'd teach her a lesson!" replied the other

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

Two men walk past a slogan in the Soviet Union

The slogan reads: "We shall liberate the people of the world from the chains of capitalism!". One of the men tells the other: "This is actually true. Remember the gold chain I had?"

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

My Eevee brushed past a car tire and now it's a Flareon.

Must have been a Firestone.

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

A reporter driving past a farm…

Sees a pig with two wooden legs and thinks there has to be a story here. He drives up to the farm and starts asking the farmer why the pig has two wooden legs.

“ well,” replies the farmer “ I was working over in the back pastures and my wife was cooking in the kitchen when she had a heart att...

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Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"D...

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Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fishmarket?

Hello, ladies!

You know what happens to those who ignore the past?

They usually fail their history exam.

Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked guy walks past

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third nuns arm is just too short to reach

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Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church

“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”

Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.

After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:

“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”

Micha scoffs, and says:

“Money! That’s all you ...

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accide...

I was taking my English final and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”.

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

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Per a study, men’s average penis length has grown significantly over the past 50 years.

Yet another form of proof I don’t fit in with my generation.

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My favorite Hollywood movie of the recent past is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

Never gets old.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."

So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

I saw the expiration date was six months past.

Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

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Lil Johnny speeding past a bridge.

(This was a take away joke)

Officer: Do you know you were doing 80 in a 65?
Johnny: No, I apologize, I was just rushing to work.
Officer: What makes your job so important that you need to put peoples lives at risk, speeding along the roadway?
Johnny: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Office...

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I spent the past four years in Yale.

Now I can’t even get a yob as a yanitor. Fucking yudicial system.

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

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Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A mama pickle was walking past her son’s room when she heard some thumping coming from inside.

She banged on the door and yelled “Quit gherkin off in there!”

I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.

It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?

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One thing i learned about sex these past 24 years..

Is that i don't have any.

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

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Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer.

So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.

How do you catch up with the past?

With Heinz sight

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

What are a pig's favourite past time?

Bakin'

Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste?

Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.

I'm sorry.

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

And the ferrari speeds past the finish line...

In the worst case of cheating the London marathon has ever seen!

I wrote a bot script to get past website security

So far its managed to evade captcha

In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.

My Chinese co-worker was not in at work and it was well past 10am.

Concerned I called him.

He just said "Isolate” and hung up.

I'm still unsure if he's coming in.

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.

Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

I was walking past a prison the other day, and

I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.

I thought to myself, “now that’s a little con descending.”

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

Every day I walk past a homeless man and his dog...

Today he was by himself, I asked where the dog was and he said she's was at home.

I was a turtle in my past life...

It's slowly coming back to me.

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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A man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"

So he walked her past it again

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

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What do you call a porn stash from the past?

A time-fapsule.

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