This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

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I was dating a girl who was known to have had a lot of guys in the past [NSFW]

Things were heating up in the bedroom when she asked me to put a finger inside her.
"Now try two" she said. I obliged. "Now three" again not wanting to disappoint, I did as she asked.
"Now your whole hand!" she demanded. This went on until I had both hands inside her!
"Now clap" she asked.<...

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A man walked past three sources of water. He said...

Well, well, well

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

At the Olympics, a guy walks past a group of spectators, carrying a long pole.

One of the onlookers says to the guy, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy responds, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Three guys just met eachother and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I am a Redditor."

I was a Buddhist in my past life but now I’ve decide to be atheist.

I didn’t want to do this _again_

The past, the present, and the future walked into the bar...

It was tense

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it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didnt even get the roarin part like in the past

we just went straight to the depression

If we make it past 2020, I'll be dreading 2022.

After all, 2022 is 2020, too!

If Yeet is the "present tense", and Yote is the "past tense",

Then the "future tense" sould be Yet, as it's "yet" to happen.

My maths tutor told me to get to his house at ten past one.

So I turned up at eleven but the place was empty.

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

With all the jokes about having 2020 vision over the past couple of years.

I bet no one could see this coming.

Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man walking past suddenly flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke.

The other wasn't quick enough.

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

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I spent the past four years in Yale.

Now I can’t even get a yob as a yanitor. Fucking yudicial system.

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

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Two tampons walked past each other. They both said nothing

Because they were both stuck up cunts.

A guy decides to visit his grandpa and asks him about his past

Guy: So, how did you lose both your legs?

Grandpa: Well, son, you know that when I was young, I was a great hunter. There was a time in which I was looking for the biggest bear in America, God bless America.
I found a small cave and with a white light inside, so I entered, but I found a s...

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

A passerby walks past a sewer manhole and sees an old man inside, waist deep, going through the sewage...

He asks... “ What are you doing down there??.?”

Old man replies:” Looking for my denture... I accidentally dropped it into the toilet and flushed it down the drain....”

Passer: “Surely you don’t expect to find it?!”

Old man:” Of course I do, already found three, but none of them...

I used to talk in past tense

I still do, but I used to too

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Got woken up at half-past four this morning again, by this bird on my windowsill.

I've decided to name it Donald.


Never stops fucking tweeting.

My wife and I drove past a farm on our getaway to the country.

I said to her look there, you see that cow? You see that pig? Remind you of any of your relatives?

She said “Yeah, my in-laws.”

I didn’t really understand baseball in the past

Just didn’t catch it back then

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who had been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes to shore and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for? “ He asks?

“That’s my house” says the castaway.

“ what’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third?”

“Oh, that? That’s the church I used to go to.”

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you"

I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

I'm delighted to say that after working so hard these past few months, all the recognition I deserve

Will go to my boss

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

The past, the present and the future got into a fight.

It was pretty intense.

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In the garden at the mental hospital, six patients are sat outside when the cat walks past.

The zoophile says: Let's fuck the cat.

The sadist says: Let's fuck the cat and then torture it.

The psychopath says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill it.

The necrophile says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again.

The pyromaniac says: ...

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

A man walks into a bar, broken up about his past relationship

The man orders a drink and catches the attention of another man sitting at his table. They engage in a conversation and started talking about tennis. Out of nowhere, the man said:
"What's the meaning of love?"


"Nothing." The man's new friend responded.
Crying, the man ran out ...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

Why did Silly Billy tip toe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

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Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church

“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”

Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.

After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:

“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”

Micha scoffs, and says:

“Money! That’s all you ...

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

Tomato paste is pretty viscous

I guess it’s not very fast paste

A naked man walked past an Elephant

The elephant exclaimed “Jesus, how do you breath with that thing?”

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I thought “oh shit” as I realized I hadn’t been paying attention and was only doodling for the past hour.

My mom was right, I really am a shitty tattoo artist.

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?

Good morning ladies!

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

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We were driving past a cemetery

My dad then tells me, there is an old secret about this place.

What is it dad?

Did you know that no one living in town is allowed to be buried in there?

Why?

Because they are still alive.

Fuck you and your Dad jokes.

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A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

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I think time travel exist because every time something bad happens in 2020 it's someone tryna fix something in the past but keep fucking shit up.

Like, where'd all the murder hornets go?

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a guy and a girl are on a date and they walk past a pond full of swans...

... the girl says "hey, i gotta tell you i can talk to animals" so the guy is like "no way thats insane, prove it!" so the girl turns towards the pond and yells " HEY SWAN, FUCK YOU! ".

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

I live near Hell, Michigan. Driving home today, we went past a sign pointing down a road that leads to Hell.

My dad pointed to it and said, “That road goes to Hell. Know how you can tell? This is asphalt and that’s good intentions.”

For the past three weeks, I've been jogging a mile a day

Now I don't know where I am.

My office has had three label makers stolen in the past week.

We suspect it's connected to organized crime.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

I thought the wind settled down a bit so I could go for a walk. Then a crow flew past my window.

Backwards.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.

They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”

The lady behind the counter looks at them with...

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Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

So I walked past a wired fence today

Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"

I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong

My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted

I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past 'X'

I just don't know why !

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Howard

Me: Howard who?

Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?

This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

Two blonde Mexican girls walk past a Taco Bell.

One looks at the other and says "Hey, I didn't know we owned a telephone company."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he i...

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

I walked past a woman in the club who was dancing on the table.

She was at least 300lb.

I said "those are some strong legs!"

She smiled and said "Thanks!"

I said "I was talking about the table."

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I've been a bookkeeper for the past 20 years ...

... and the librarian is *pissed*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Nature

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating. She said 'How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?'

I replied he can smell she is ready, thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked h...

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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An ugly man is sitting alone in a bar when suddenly a beautiful woman approaches him.

The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?"

The man is stunned as he never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.

They both get into his car and drive out past the edge of town. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city.

Wit...

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

Me : No matter how bad my past is, my future is bright.

Parents : Nah son, it's burning.

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

A man is walking past an insane asylum.

As he passes the yard (which was surrounded by a high fence), he heard many voices from within chanting “seven, seven, seven” over and over again. He’s very curious as to why the patients could be chanting this number so he looks through a gap in the fence planks to have a look. Before he can see an...

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

To the kids who teepeed my house this past Halloween:

The joke’s on you now

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

Every day for the past week there have been more and more Toyota’s parked on my block.

I think the Corrola virus has arrived.

If someone is passed out on the streets dont be soulless and walk past.

Move him to the side so others can walk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there so many female history teachers?

Bitches like to bring up the past.

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

Prince Andrew has said he's had some ups and downs in the past year.

Wouldn't that have something to do with being the Duke of York?

Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked guy walks past

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third nuns arm is just too short to reach

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All my past relations ended because of my small penis

But my current wife says it’s no biggie

What do you call a time-traveller's fart?

A blast from the past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

We were driving past...

A cemetery and my Dad said in a Dead serious, quiet voice-
“I know something you don’t know about this place.
The people in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here”
I was really confused so I asked why.
And he said
“Because they’re still alive.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't black people travel to the past?

Because when you go back, you never go black

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Sometimes I feel like people on the West coast are living in the past

Ba-dum tss

A man was dying

A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife’s hand and says:
“Before I die, I have to confess to you. I’ve been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I’m sorry.”

She gently stroke his hair and says:
“I know. That’s why I poisoned your coffee. Now clos...

A man returns early from work to find a PlEaSaNt surprise.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as h...

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