UPJOKE
formeroldbygoneagorecenthistorytimefuturelatepreviousgonelasthistoricprehistorichistorical

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

I’ve figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors.

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

Two men walk past a slogan in the Soviet Union

The slogan reads: "We shall liberate the people of the world from the chains of capitalism!". One of the men tells the other: "This is actually true. Remember the gold chain I had?"

The past, the present and the future walks into a bar

It was tense

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fishmarket?

Hello, ladies!

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

Two great opportunities are walking past a bar.

The one says to the other, “Let’s go inside and get wasted.”

Algebra reminds me of my past relationships

I mean, have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

You know what happens to those who ignore the past?

They usually fail their history exam.

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

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I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little co...

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.

"Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon!" said one of the boys.

"That's nothing!" said the other boy. "This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking!"

"What are you two whippersnappers doing?" asked the old man.

"We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk," ...

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A guy drove past...

A guy drove past an isolated farm and was horrified to see an old woman yanking on her boobs while the old man was jerking off. The driver, freaked out, stopped by the next house.

"What's up with your neighbors?" He asked.

"Oh, that's Harts. They're both deaf. She's telling him to go m...

I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart

It had an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”

I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

My Chinese co-worker was not in at work and it was well past 10am.

Concerned I called him.

He just said "Isolate” and hung up.

I'm still unsure if he's coming in.

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

Monkey.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past...

The lizard looks up and says, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me!"

So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke another joint.
<...

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.


It was intense.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills

2 Blondes drive past corn field

They see another blonde, in the middle of the field in a row boat, rowing away.
"It's blondes like that that give the rest of us a bad name!" one complains to the other. "Yeah! If I could swim, I'd teach her a lesson!" replied the other

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery…

When a group of spiritualists walked up to me and explained that they were too afraid to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.Then I told them “I understand, I also used to be freaked out too when I was alive”.

I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jes...

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

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I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

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Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.

“That’s my house,” says the castaway.

“What’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third hut?”

“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’...

Welcome Home Honey

A mature lady decided to go check up on her new daughter-in-law while her son was at work. She knocked on the door and the daughter-in-law opened it, she was stood there completely naked. The mother-in-law asked "What are you doing!" The Daughter-in-law said, I'm welcoming my handsome new husband ho...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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So I was at the golf course the other day for a quick 18 but i got stuck behind this guy who was slicing his tee shot or just missing the ball entirely, but he wouldn't wave me past. I tells ya by the fourth hole I was getting pissed off and joked "geez mate what's your handicap?"

"I'm blind" he says

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer.

So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

20 minutes

Late at night, a cop was driving past a well known lover’s spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

The cop drives up to the car, to get a closer look.
He sees a young man behind the wheel, browsing his phone, and a young woman in the rear seat, also browsing her phone....

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

What if all those Z signs we've seen are Russians trying to undo the past month?

but they can't because they have no control

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"
...

Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

what’s the past tense of seesaw?

is it seensaw or sawsaw?

Guy dies and finds himself standing before Satan.

"Oh no! Am I in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Ahh, its not so bad. Let me show you around."

Satan takes the guy past a tennis court. "It's open 24-7. And over here is the 18 hole golf course, over there is the Olympic sized pool, and beyond that is the beach and marina, where you can take out...

Two Hunters and a Goat

Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.

“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?” The other shrugs.

The first hunter looks around and finds a stick,...

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

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Signal box operative

New job


Guy goes for a job as a train signal box operative.

The examiner tests him for his thinking abilities.

"Ok. You have a train coming down the A line what do you do"?

"Simple, just give him a green go signal and the jobs done"!

"Great" says the examiner.<...

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?" A goat shouted, "The big bad wolf is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing?" questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips…..

you are just living in the past tents.

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

Why do Soviet Russians dislike running so much?

Because they can never make it past the Finnish line.

An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.

They start boasting about their countries.

The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"

The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"

Then the Indian say...

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

I saw the expiration date was six months past.

Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

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Timmy the trolley conductor

I’m not going to write out the full joke because it is take anywhere between 10-30 minutes to tell but I will tell you how to tell it. As a preference the joke is not good but the funny part is how long it takes to tell a joke with a bad punch line. Also tell the audience to see if they can figure ...

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

Farmer Giles asks his youngest son to take the cow over to the bull on the other side of the village. After a short time the vicar spots the boy struggling with the cow making his way past the church ....

'Are you alright?' Asks the vicar

'Yes vicar' says the boy, I'm taking the cow to the bull

'Oh dear' says the vicar, concerned to see a small child in charge of such a beast 'Couldn't your father or I help instead?'

'Not really' says the boy 'It has to be the bull'

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

A snail goes into a car dealership....

and he asks "What's the fastest car in this place?"

The car dealer takes him to a super-fast Lamborghini. "This one right here, it will do two-hundred eighty kilometres per hour."

"And do you do custom paint jobs?" The snail asked.

"Yes sir, absolutely anything for our customers...

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

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Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

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A little boy walks past an old man sitting on his porch carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man call out to the boy and says, "whatcha doin with that roll of duct tape?"

The little boy says, "I am going to catch me some ducks."

Old man, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

20 minutes later the little boy comes walking buy with a bunch of ducks.

The ne...

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I've heard the monkeys at the zoo are now throwing their poo at people walking past their exhibit.

Shit is really getting out of hand

In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.

I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.

It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

Three guys just met and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I visit /r/jokes."

Ole and Lars went skydiving

Ole jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. His parachute opened, and he started his gentle descent.

Lars jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled his emergency cord. Nothing happened.

Ole watched Lars plummet past him, and started undoing...

As a life long devout Christian, and after many struggles in the past 2 years especially I'm so glad my faith in God has not wavered one bit and he has answered every single one of my prayers

They seemed to all be no.

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

My wife must have wanted to be a time traveller

She keeps going back to the past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

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Dear Dr. Jones, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years

He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, whether ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mails, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Ccinsely ous,,, mdyl

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Uncle

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's up?' he says.'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing. his fou...

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and b...

I wrote a bot script to get past website security

So far its managed to evade captcha

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

Did you know you can't run in a campground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny’s teacher announces to the class, “For today’s exercise, I will go through the alphabet and for each letter, select a student to share a word that begins with that letter.”

She scans the class and begins, “The first letter is A.”

Several students raise their hands, includ...

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

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One night, a drunk passed out on a park bench…

and a man walking by late at night saw the drunk there and stopped to check on him. The drunk showed signs of life and the pedestrian, feeling a little frisky, took advantage of the drunk, slipping a $5 bill in the drunk’s pocket afterwards.

The next day, when the drunk woke up, he found the ...

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