So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?"
I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me."
The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?"
"Well," I answered, "my woma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned!

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."

--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One thing i learned about sex these past 24 years..

Is that i don't have any.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:

Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100

They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"...

My wife lost her voice for the past week...

It's the best our relationship has ever been!

Why can't you run through a camp ground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

A man walks right past a bar..

Wait! Where are you going? I need you for the joke!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s goin...

A woman walks past a new pet store on her way to work.

As she passes, a parrot behind the glass squawks at her and says, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”

A little taken aback, the woman huffs to herself and continues on.

On her way home from work she passes the same pet store and the same parrot squawks, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”
Shocked and ins...

I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.

No one is willing to do it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just driven past a field and saw a scarecrow having a wank....

I thought: "He's clutching at straws"

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

“My grandmother has Alzheimer’s,” a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.

“That sucks,” the friend says.

​

“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”

A kid walks past a pond

A kid walks past a pond, when at that moment a fish comes up in the water.

Fish : "Heey kid, i am a magic fish, and I will grant you a wish."

Kid : "Well i don't have a wish but i do have a question. Is that ok ?"

Fish : "Sure what is your question ?"

Kid : "Can you ev...

Today I went past my old house.

I asked the couple who owned the place if I could look around for old times sake. They said ‘No” and told me to get out of their house.

Parents can be so mean sometimes!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

Me and the wife were walking past this plush restaurant last night and she said ‘wow it smells amazing in the there!’. I thought, let’s treat her...

...so we walked past it again.

On the exam today, i was asked the past tense of think

I thought for a while and finally wrote thinked

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"

So he walked her past it again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

All my physical relationships are like past-tense verbs

They end with ED.

Was walking past a friendly coworker the other day when he stopped me and asked..

Friend: You see that dude over there? (he points to this guy obviously screwing sound)

Me: Yeah, what about him?

Friend: He's a mythical creature.

Me: (*Chuckling*) What are you talking about?

Friend: Just look closely. (I lean in and squint to get a better look) Don't yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.

1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"

The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth"

The bloke replies "who said anything about sex? i was rating you out of 10"

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground.

The priest sees a little boy playing on a swing. He nudges the rabbi and says “hey, let’s go over there and screw that kid!” The rabbi looks at the kid and says “out of what?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys walking past a dog that's licking his balls

One guy says wistfully, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, **"Go ahead. He looks friendly."**

For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year!

First my gran dies, now this!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

So the other day in the lobby I hear two chess masters bragging about their past wins

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man ran past them completely naked. It was so stimulating that the first old lady had a stroke.

The second lady couldn't reach.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

What do you call an old friend with benefits

A finger blast from the past

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

A blind guy walks into Wall Mart past the greeter.

He stops and picks up his dog.
He starts swinging him over his head in a big circle.
The greeter runs over and screams...can I help you??
No no I'm good... I'm just having a look around.

Two German doctors in their 90's chat about past times.

The first one asks: "Hans, did you ever have any professional blunder?"


"I haven't", Hans responds "Yet, there's one thing that went horribly wrong."

He continues: "I didn't know Hitler was dyslexic, when he cut himself I shouldn't have recommended an antiseptic cleansing".

A native american hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the native american noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents. The city man replied: "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".

The native american looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy walked past an old mans house.

The boy had a roll of duct tape in his hands.
The old man asked him “What are you going to do with that duct tape?” The little boy replied “I’m going to catch some ducks.” “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape.” The old man replied. “Sure I can”, and the little boy walked away. Later that da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...

Over the past few years The U.S. Army have been conditioning soldiers to behave in certain ways when they hear certain musical chords. They have just found the perfect chord to get soldiers to report to their superiors.

C Major.

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

My teenage daughter has been trying to straighten a picture on her bedroom wall for the past hour.

She literally can’t even.

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...

​

​

I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open fo...

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

I was walking past a prison the other day, and

I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.

I thought to myself, “now that’s a little con descending.”

I wondered why for the past 3 days all I have read are reposts on r/jokes...

Then I realized it's because it's only Wednesday.

This past week, I made money selling fake eclipse glasses.

I'm not too worried though. Those suckers won't be able to see me again!

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

I hate people who can’t let go of the past

Debt collectors are the worst

No one here needs to read a rant. It's just been difficult these past few hours. I don't know how to proceed.

Alexa. Play Rick Roll.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A naked man runs past me down the street...

Seeing this I yell "Oi you!"

He turns and reveals he's clutching a bag of cashews to protect his modesty.

"Are you fucking nuts?"

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to focus on my past anymore...

So if I owe you any money, I’m sorry.

What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?

Ex-communication

I drove past a billboard promoting Niagara Falls as the tallest waterfall in the world...

Turns out it was falls advertising.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last names can tell you a bit about your family’s past.

Like, Carpenter - your family probably made houses/worked with wood. Shoemaker - made shoes.

There must have been a pretty dark day in the history of the Dickensons.

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one o...

They say some of the best comedians in the world have dark and twisted pasts...

It's why I lose the annual comedy competition to the orphanage down the street.