A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

In the past, I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill...

Those were the darkest days of my life

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:

*Dea...

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

I once visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

I asked him, "Are you the friar?"

He said, "No, I'm the chip monk.."

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man walked past with his cock out ... two of them had a stroke

The third one couldn't reach

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

I was trying to make a graph of my past relationships

It had an ex-axis and a why axis

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

I had a date with a maths teacher and she told me to get there at ten past one.

So I got there at eleven but she wasn't impressed.

I was driving home past my local sheriff’s office

I saw a dwarf climbing over the fence. I thought, “wow that’s a little condescending”

A man is walking past an insane asylum.

He hears everyone inside chanting,”13! 13! 13! 13!” He’s curious so he sees a little hole in the wall and proceeds to look through it. Suddenly his eye gets poked by a sharp stick. Then they all start chanting,”14! 14! 14!14!”

I drove past a camp...

It was past-tents.

Two guys walking past a dog licking his balls.

One guy says wistfully, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first."

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

I’ve spent the past few days pretending to be a Shetland pony, but I think I’m losing my voice.

I’m currently a little horse.

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

An Irishman walks past a bar.

Just kidding.

The past

I remember when “cornhole “ was played behind closed doors.
And when “Groupon” was a word you never wanted to hear your sister yell.
And when “Blowing A Tranny” meant something COMPLETELY different!

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

I’ve been trying to come up with an amputation joke for the past 30 minutes.

I’m stumped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

You can't run in a campsite, you can only ran.

Why? Cause it's past tents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?"
I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me."
The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?"
"Well," I answered, "my woma...

In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned!

A couple of years ago my friend told me I have trouble letting go of the past

Ill never forget it

I reluctantly told my GF today that I've been using soap as lubricant for the past month.

I had to come clean.

What is a French policeman’s favourite past time?

Playing his oui u.

Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:

Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100

They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"...

A man sits down at a bar next to a pirate and starts asking him about his past injuries.

The first thing the man notices is the pirate’s peg leg. “How did you get that wooden leg,” he asks.

The pirate responds, “Oh, a cannonball took my leg off in a fight with a naval frigate.”

“Wow!” the man replies. “So how did you get that hook?” pointing to the pirate’s arm.

The...

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

As it was past Thanos fighting very hard with present Avengers, he was literally fighting for his future.

The battle was actually pretty..... In tense.







A polo G if repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One thing i learned about sex these past 24 years..

Is that i don't have any.

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s goin...

I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.

No one is willing to do it.

A little boy was walking past a D-Day memorial along the beach

As he passed by, he could see an old man shaking his head and letting out a long sigh. Curious as to what his story was, the little boy walked up to the man and said "Hey mister, why do you look so sad?"

The man looked at the child and said "More than 70 years ago, my friends fought on this b...

The Vans brand has a really checkered past.

Sorry if this was Off the Wall.

My wife lost her voice for the past week...

It's the best our relationship has ever been!

A man walks right past a bar..

Wait! Where are you going? I need you for the joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been seeing my neighbour for the past few months, right up till she started to be extremely rude.

I mean who the fuck closes their blinds when they sleep.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."

--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.

“First you give me $2.00 every ...

A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

“My grandmother has Alzheimer’s,” a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.

“That sucks,” the friend says.



“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”

A woman walks past a new pet store on her way to work.

As she passes, a parrot behind the glass squawks at her and says, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”

A little taken aback, the woman huffs to herself and continues on.

On her way home from work she passes the same pet store and the same parrot squawks, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”
Shocked and ins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"

So he walked her past it again

A kid walks past a pond

A kid walks past a pond, when at that moment a fish comes up in the water.

Fish : "Heey kid, i am a magic fish, and I will grant you a wish."

Kid : "Well i don't have a wish but i do have a question. Is that ok ?"

Fish : "Sure what is your question ?"

Kid : "Can you ev...

Today I went past my old house.

I asked the couple who owned the place if I could look around for old times sake. They said ‘No” and told me to get out of their house.

Parents can be so mean sometimes!!

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

I live in such a sketchy part of town that I don’t let my kids out of the house past 7 p.m.

They might go out and rob someone.

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just driven past a field and saw a scarecrow having a wank....

I thought: "He's clutching at straws"

What can get disease and will never live past 4?

A guinea pig you vaccine loving autist!


Btw I’m pro vax just thought this was funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.

1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"

The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth"

The bloke replies "who said anything about sex? i was rating you out of 10"

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

All my physical relationships are like past-tense verbs

They end with ED.

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground.

The priest sees a little boy playing on a swing. He nudges the rabbi and says “hey, let’s go over there and screw that kid!” The rabbi looks at the kid and says “out of what?”

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year!

First my gran dies, now this!

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man ran past them completely naked. It was so stimulating that the first old lady had a stroke.

The second lady couldn't reach.

Was walking past a friendly coworker the other day when he stopped me and asked..

Friend: You see that dude over there? (he points to this guy obviously screwing sound)

Me: Yeah, what about him?

Friend: He's a mythical creature.

Me: (*Chuckling*) What are you talking about?

Friend: Just look closely. (I lean in and squint to get a better look) Don't yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two German doctors in their 90's chat about past times.

The first one asks: "Hans, did you ever have any professional blunder?"


"I haven't", Hans responds "Yet, there's one thing that went horribly wrong."

He continues: "I didn't know Hitler was dyslexic, when he cut himself I shouldn't have recommended an antiseptic cleansing".

A blind guy walks into Wall Mart past the greeter.

He stops and picks up his dog.
He starts swinging him over his head in a big circle.
The greeter runs over and screams...can I help you??
No no I'm good... I'm just having a look around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy walked past an old mans house.

The boy had a roll of duct tape in his hands.
The old man asked him “What are you going to do with that duct tape?” The little boy replied “I’m going to catch some ducks.” “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape.” The old man replied. “Sure I can”, and the little boy walked away. Later that da...

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...





I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.