When one door closes, another one opens.

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

Like my Grandad always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

So three close friends pass away and all go to heaven.

The angel welcomes them and shows them around.

At the end of the tour angel tells them:

\- "Since the heaven is huge you guys need car, so that you could easily travel around. So, the criteria for getting the car is like this: - I ask you a question and you give me a honest answer"...

What do you call a close reflection?

A nearer mirror

I really hate how close the ‘i’ and the ‘o’ are on a keyboard...

I could really care less that a Pirn is a rod onto which weft thread is wound for use in weaving.

How does a Muslim close a door

Islams it

Me and the wife decided against slow close cupboard doors

How the hell are we supposed to know when we're mad at each other?

Get in the House, Lock the Doors, Close the Windows.

It's an inside joke.

The cryogenics company was going out of business so I had to take my parents head's home. We were never close,...

...our relations were thawed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women close their eyes when you have sex with them???

Because they can't stand watching a man have a good time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, an asteroid named 2019 OK passed close to Earth at a speed of 88,500 kilometres (55,000 mi) per hour.

Scientist say that if it had passed even closer its name would have been 2019 OFUCK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died

Which is lucky, because he stepped on a landmine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the only thing you can say during sex and at a funeral?

Sorry, were you close?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

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The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

Sometimes a denominator and numerator are very close in value.

But there's a fine line between them.

Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

Why did the masseuse have to close up his shop?

He kept rubbing people the wrong way.

Why was the T-Rex forced to close shop?

It was seriously short handed.

I was so close to having a threesome last night,

I just needed a couple more people to join me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time a good song comes on the radio I love to close my eyes and really feel the music.

Inconsiderate assholes on my bus keep ruining the moment though....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?

Arse skin for a friend.

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

A young boy is struggling in math class, and is close to failing.

His parents have tried everything in the book to support him, but his grades just wont improve. After countless tutors, online courses, and learning support his parents decide that there is only one thing left to do. They enroll him in a strict catholic boarding school, known for its strict and effe...

What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded

A man asks a bartender, what time do you close? My girlfriend's trying to come...

Bartender: Aren't they all?

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

They had to close the circus

There was a freak accident

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Domestic violence is no laughing matter

For some people, they hit really close to home.

Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?

If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see

“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker,

“I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”



“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.

How long before you close?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before You close?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before You Close?" The barber looked around at th...

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did they close down the restroom?

Everybody kept losing their shit in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Saint Joseph said “Jesus, close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?”

“Whatever! You’re not my real dad!”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... Edit: someone said the website is banned on ...

Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?

You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someon...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad when he passed away.

That was lucky, because he died by stepping on a land mine.

Why did the London sperm bank close down?

Because people kept missing the tube.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the ...

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

An old rabbi feels his time on Earth is drawing to a close.

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he has never done. He thinks for a while and comes to a decision - he has always wanted to know what pork tastes like, and damn it all if he isn't going to try it before he passes on.

He's a cautious man, however, and he's aware of hi...

A man walks into a barber shop every day and asks the barber what time he closes shop.

He never gets a cut. Only asks. The barber grows frustrated and asks his apprentice to follow the man after he asks to see who he is and why he might be asking. The apprentice returns shortly after. The barber asks "well, where did he go?" The apprentice replies "your house."

Rain and Rome are close friends

They both like to fall

What is nice if you are close to it but gets irritating when far away?

Someone holding the door for you

A close-knit bunch of guys wearing white sheets just invited me to one of their get-togethers.

Risky clique of the day.

A Close Shave

An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber, “I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?”

The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, “Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I’m shaving. It will stretch ...

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Four so much close & intimate College friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip........

As per planning two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood g...

I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking

He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.

Why do you always close your zipper when visiting Ukraine?

Cause Chernobyl fallout.

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

‘Where are you going?’ asks Tom. ‘It’s not worth the wait,’ says Will. ‘Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?“

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's d...

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