I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

I wasn't close to my dad when he died

Which is lucky, because he stepped on a landmine

I wasn't particularly close to my dad when he died..

..which was lucky cause he trod on a land mine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded

I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

They had to close the circus

There was a freak accident

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

Want to close wage gap?

Step one: Change your major from feminist dance therapy to electrical engineering.

I got so close to having a threesome.

I only needed 2 other people.

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

How long before you close?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before You close?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before You Close?" The barber looked around at th...

Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?

If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did they close down the restroom?

Everybody kept losing their shit in there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?

Arse skin for a friend.

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?

You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someon...

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

Why did the FDA close down the convent's tailor shop?

Because it was found to be habit forming.

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

When one door closes...

An incognito window opens.

Saint Joseph said “Jesus, close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?”

“Whatever! You’re not my real dad!”

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Why did the London sperm bank close down?

Because people kept missing the tube.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... Edit: someone said the website is banned on ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

Rain and Rome are close friends

They both like to fall

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harass...

What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

A man walks into a barber shop every day and asks the barber what time he closes shop.

He never gets a cut. Only asks. The barber grows frustrated and asks his apprentice to follow the man after he asks to see who he is and why he might be asking. The apprentice returns shortly after. The barber asks "well, where did he go?" The apprentice replies "your house."

What is nice if you are close to it but gets irritating when far away?

Someone holding the door for you

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

Nobody talks about Jesus’ ultimate miracle.

Having 12 close friends in his 30s.

I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking

He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.

I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

A Close Shave

An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber, “I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?”

The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, “Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I’m shaving. It will stretch ...

Why do you always close your zipper when visiting Ukraine?

Cause Chernobyl fallout.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?“

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's d...

Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the ...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

Speaking from experience, don’t argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It’s a terrible reason to fallout for.

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Came close to death this morning

Wanking in the cemetery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"...

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years...

...He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would he...

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

You close the fridge door and hear something fall inside...

That, my friends, is the sound of someone else's problem.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

My close friend Elaine went to a party

dressed as an Egg and made out with a guy who was dressed as a Chicken.

A lifelong question was answered that night. It was the chicken.

They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed suicide...

So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.

How does a Muslim close a door?

Islam's it

How did the blind skydiver know when he was getting close to the ground?

The leash on his guide dog went limp.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

I'm actually a very close personal friend of the author of Harry Potter.

jk

I went to a bar in Thailand and came so damn close to sleeping with a lady boy...

She looked like a girl, talked and even walked like a girl. It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the car space I thought hang on a second...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"