My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

Why was the T-Rex forced to close shop?

It was seriously short handed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

Why did the masseuse have to close up his shop?

He kept rubbing people the wrong way.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died

Which is lucky, because he stepped on a landmine

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

A man asks a bartender, what time do you close? My girlfriend's trying to come...

Bartender: Aren't they all?

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

I was so close to having a threesome last night,

I just needed a couple more people to join me

I wasn't particularly close to my dad when he died..

..which was lucky cause he trod on a land mine

Think of a number between 1 and 9. Multiply it by 2, and then subtract the sum of the digits from it. Now close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

What do you call it when your Biology grade is close to an F?

Biodegraded

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker,

“I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”

​

“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.

A young boy is struggling in math class, and is close to failing.

His parents have tried everything in the book to support him, but his grades just wont improve. After countless tutors, online courses, and learning support his parents decide that there is only one thing left to do. They enroll him in a strict catholic boarding school, known for its strict and effe...

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?

Arse skin for a friend.

I ordered a pizza from a new store close to me and it was covered in oil.

Expected Italy; got grease.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

Want to close wage gap?

Step one: Change your major from feminist dance therapy to electrical engineering.

They had to close the circus

There was a freak accident

Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?

If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see

How long before you close?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before You close?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before You Close?" The barber looked around at th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did they close down the restroom?

Everybody kept losing their shit in there.

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?

You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someon...

Saint Joseph said “Jesus, close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?”

“Whatever! You’re not my real dad!”

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

Why did the FDA close down the convent's tailor shop?

Because it was found to be habit forming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

Why did the London sperm bank close down?

Because people kept missing the tube.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... Edit: someone said the website is banned on ...

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harass...

Rain and Rome are close friends

They both like to fall

What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

A man walks into a barber shop every day and asks the barber what time he closes shop.

He never gets a cut. Only asks. The barber grows frustrated and asks his apprentice to follow the man after he asks to see who he is and why he might be asking. The apprentice returns shortly after. The barber asks "well, where did he go?" The apprentice replies "your house."

I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

I love it when I’m walking close behind a girl and she starts speed walking.

It’s as if she wanted to race all along.

What is nice if you are close to it but gets irritating when far away?

Someone holding the door for you

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

A Close Shave

An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber, “I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?”

The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, “Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I’m shaving. It will stretch ...

I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Why do you always close your zipper when visiting Ukraine?

Cause Chernobyl fallout.

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking

He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?“

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's d...

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

‘Where are you going?’ asks Tom. ‘It’s not worth the wait,’ says Will. ‘Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.’

Nobody talks about Jesus’ ultimate miracle.

Having 12 close friends in his 30s.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

Speaking from experience, don’t argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It’s a terrible reason to fallout for.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"...

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years...

...He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Came close to death this morning

Wanking in the cemetery.

They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed suicide...

So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.

My close friend Elaine went to a party

dressed as an Egg and made out with a guy who was dressed as a Chicken.

A lifelong question was answered that night. It was the chicken.

How does a Muslim close a door?

Islam's it

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."