Add Jokes - 100 Hilarious Add Jokes

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**

Your Turn :)

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

I saw an add in the paper for a job at a mirror factory and I thought...

...now that's something I could see myself doing.

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now...? ADD

I don't think I have the mental focus to be a father.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

To which I say, “Stop eating cameras.”

Remember When ADHD Was Just ADD?

Me neither.

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

Where do german parents send their ADD kids?

Concentration Camps

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My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

(NSFW) How do you lure a pervert?

Just add the NSFW tag.

ADD...

It's as easy, as 1... 2... C...

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Why did the bartender add viagra to his Martini?

He wanted to pour himself a stiff one.

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

Why did the hamster add a windmill to his enclosure?

It reminded him of Hamsterdam.

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

Modern cars are always bloated with unnecessary add ons

I mean, who needs turn signals on a BMW.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE ADD:

1) Easily distracted
2) Frequently lose your train of thought 3) Unfinished projects

What do rappers like to add to their coffee?

Two pack sugar.

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Add a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

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When i have a martini shaken not stirred, i always add a viagra

It might not make me Daniel Craig, but it will make me Roger more.

I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

What do you get when you add a line between heroes?

Herpes

Admin : Adds Erica to the group.

David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.

Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.

Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution.

Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you.

Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anyt...

The easiest time to add insult to injury

Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

LGBTQ?? How many letters are they going to add to it?

I mean seriously! You can't understand an acronym with that many letters in it. LMFAO!

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was so right..... I feel 10 years older and I only jogged for 15 minutes

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.

Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

What does ADD stand for?

Discriminating Dyslexics Association

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

All my kid's have ADD

All Different Daddies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

How do you add flavor to your algorithm?

Use a Boolean cube.

When can you add your bottle to Wikipedia?

When you fill it from a reliable source.

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

How many steps? - Add questions if you have something similar.

* How many steps does it take to put an elephant in the fridge?
* Three: open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
* How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in the fridge?
* Four: open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
* All the an...

Why can't kids with ADD focus?

they don't have HD.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Why do poor people have ADD?

Because they cant pay attention

Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

I saw an add for burial plots

And thought this is the last thing I need

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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The following add in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have ...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price...

The drink got Jacked

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

A woman takes out an add in the newspaper reading....

"Wanted, a man who won't hit me, who won't ever run away from me, and is great in the sack!"

A week later she hears her doorbell but doesn't see anyone when she opens the door. Just as she's about to close it she hears a guy say
"Hey, down here."

She looks down to see a man with no...

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening

It adds up :)

What is a hero's favorite thing to add to a drink?

Just-ice!

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

What happens when you add Cold hot sauce on Hot food?

you Chili things up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

What do you get when you add two numbers together?

Sum thing

Everyone is telling the Helium joke, but what do you get when you add Helium to Tellurium?

……..TeHe!

What did the new Italian restaurant owner say after he found out he forgot to add a desert menu?

Affogato 'Bout It!

If you had a credit credit with ADD

It would lose interest so fast.

When Orion set up his new computer, he had to add a password

He wanted to put "my belt" but it would always show up as ***

Can someone add something original?

A man walks into a bar and says "$100 to someone who can come up with an original joke that makes me laugh". All but one sit silently while one man nervously walks out the door. They go on with their drinking. After some time has past, the nervous man walks back in and takes him up on his $100 offer...

The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns in the refectory

"Sisters," says the Mother Superior grimly, "while we were gardening this morning, we found a discarded condom!"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*

"And," adds the Mother Superior, "it had been *used!*"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*...

Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online

But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com

I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.

It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

At the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal.

Now I make $20,000.00

The blonde couldn't add

Question: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

Answer: She couldn't find the 10 key.

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix?

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

What do you call a hen that can add, subtract, and multiply?

A mathamachicken.

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.

Haha I’m so alone

What vegetable can you add to a heavy pot of water to make it lighter?

Leeks!

People with ADD are always being discriminated against

asdf

Exercise can add years to your life.

This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

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