How many people with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

They say the camera adds ten pounds...

I'm sitting accross from my date and wondering how many she's eaten.

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

Why can't kids with ADD focus?

they don't have HD.

I saw a craigslist add for Mobile Improvised Explosive Device Model and I had to apply.

After all, that opportunity only comes around once in a lifetime.

<There is my dark, cynical Halloween joke. :-)>

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

“Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed.

“We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.

What do you get when you add two numbers together?

Sum thing

Jose a man who forces their pet to be vegan wakes up to go to a job interview

Jose gets things together to leave and drives down to the comedy club.

Jose: “Hi, I’m here for an interview.”

Manager: “Sure just go up on the stage and we’ll be with you soon.”

Jose looks confused but walks up on the stage. The manager starts to whisper something to everyone a...

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Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.


...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.


...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.


...man who fart in church sit in own pew.


(Feel free to add more)

All my kid's have ADD

All Different Daddies!

George R R Martin once asked Haley Joel Osment what he should add to his fantasy saga to make it more suspenseful.

Haley: "Icy dead people"

Goodbye Grandpa

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, t...

She got married to an electrician ....

Everyone was shocked!

Add yours .....

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

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A man of many talents

So this traveling salesman is driving through this little Welsh village and decides to stop at a quiet pub for some lunch and a pint. He gets his beer and there's nobody in other than one little old fella in the corner just staring out of the window over a half empty glass.

So he sits down ne...

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping...

They build up their tents and after a good meal and a bottle of the finest wine they lay down and go to sleep.

A few hours later, Holmes wakes up his good friend and says, "Watson, my dear friend, look up and tell me what you see." Watson then replies "I see millions and millions of stars" an...

Admin : Adds Erica to the group.

David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.

Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.

Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution.

Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you.

Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anyt...

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So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

What does ADD stand for?

Discriminating Dyslexics Association

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

How does a Hungarian cook dinner?

First, he chops an onion finely. Then, he chops some garlic as well, or perhaps use a garlic press. This is then fried in a pan with about a tablespoon of oil for about 30 seconds, after which a few tablespoons of paprika is added. Add some salt, maybe some pepper, and then he decides what dish to m...

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

A new hired cheese maker wasn't sure if he was adding enough cream. So he asked his boss.

His boss replied, "That's gouda nuff"

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

Think of a number between 1 - 20

Add 45

Multiply by 2

Subtract 1

Now close your eyes
#
#
>!It's dark isn't it?!<

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

I like when math problems always add up to round numbers.

They’re wholesum.

Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Edit:This is my first post to get 50+ upvotes. Thank you all

Edit 2: Wow now it is 1k+ upvotes. Thank you very much

I just realized if you rearrange the letters in Hola, you get Aloha.

It's because I'm Canadian and automatically add an eh.

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…...

I saw an add for burial plots

And thought this is the last thing I need

Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!

I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

Add a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar ?"

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add stat...

If you had a credit credit with ADD

It would lose interest so fast.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

Why do poor people have ADD?

Because they cant pay attention

How do you turn a reckless driver into a good driver?

Add a W at the beginning of reckless.

I was making a game only about russia

But people told me to add more polish

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are walking down a street.

One man is white, one black and one Asian. The three are then confronted by a man in a trench-coat who is wielding an axe. The man tells them that if their penis sizes don’t add up to 13 inches, he will kill them all. The white man measures his own and says it is 6 inches long. The black man gets th...

What is a hero's favorite thing to add to a drink?

Just-ice!

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “What the fuck is this?” asks the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like rum...

The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.



To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that sh...

The rabbit

A man was driving on a back country road as he usually did coming home from work. The February weather was quite cold, but in the distance he saw a car on the side of the road. As he got closer he noticed a woman, however she didn't look hurt, and the car was parked nicely. Puzzled why she was outsi...

What do you call a hen that can add, subtract, and multiply?

A mathamachicken.

How did the child with ADD find out his parents were racist?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.

I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known othe...

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

Embarrassing Fart Story

Here’s one that a lot of y’all can probably relate to. I’m probably gonna add more to it at some point.

.......

One day in third grade we were all sitting on the carpet listening to our teacher read something. My stomach hadn’t been too kind to me that day. .......


You know...

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie say...

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like t...

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A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - Man goes to a brothel (long)

A man goes to a brothel and asks for the most experienced woman they have.
The madam introduces him to a nice lady, he agrees and they go to the room.


During foreplay the man starts fingering the woman, starting with one finger.
Since the girl is a bit big and doesn't seem ...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

Me: "I've lost my calculator." Them: "..." Them: "..and?"

Me: "Oh, I've got nothing to add"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE ADD:

1) Easily distracted
2) Frequently lose your train of thought 3) Unfinished projects

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

A Fast Worker

A guy hires Danny Dumbass to paint his porch.

The guy figures it's an all day job, so he leaves to run some errands.

But he forgets something at home and returns an hour later.

He sees Danny, lounging in a hammock, sipping lemonade.

"Finished already, huh?", says the guy....

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a b...

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