How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

I saw an add for burial plots

And thought this is the last thing I need

We need to start a petition to permanently add President Trump to Mount Rushmore.

Not a sculpture of him. Himself.

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

Add a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

What do you call a hen that can add, subtract, and multiply?

A mathamachicken.

How did the child with ADD find out his parents were racist?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

What is a hero's favorite thing to add to a drink?

Just-ice!

LPT: If you're trying cocaine for the first time, add a little Downy.

It'll soften the blow.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil..

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE ADD:

1) Easily distracted
2) Frequently lose your train of thought 3) Unfinished projects

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

What do you get when you add human DNA to a goat?

Off... you get off.

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix?

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

I really hate how I can't add swearwords to my phone's spell checker.

It's a ducking piece of shot.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

When I was a kid I was diagnosed with ADD

But I paid no attention

I've decided to add more oranges to my jokes.

To increase their, uh, peel.

Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries?

If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

All the girls in my town have a fetish for feet.

Any time I go near one, they add a few more to the restraining order.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little Irish math test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” th...

Me: "Alexa, add tinfoil for hats to my shopping cart."

Alexa: "I ordered yesterday after I noticed you had 3 sheets left in your upper right cupboard. You're all good."

Add a word to ruin a movie:

- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought abou...

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

A worldwide chickpea shortage has caused Humus makers to add more lemon to the recipe

Retailers are expecting sales to fall and are prepared for a sharp dip.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

Can someone add something original?

A man walks into a bar and says "$100 to someone who can come up with an original joke that makes me laugh". All but one sit silently while one man nervously walks out the door. They go on with their drinking. After some time has past, the nervous man walks back in and takes him up on his $100 offer...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

A woman takes out an add in the newspaper reading....

"Wanted, a man who won't hit me, who won't ever run away from me, and is great in the sack!"

A week later she hears her doorbell but doesn't see anyone when she opens the door. Just as she's about to close it she hears a guy say
"Hey, down here."

She looks down to see a man with no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we’re doing a story on people who solicit teenagers for sex. If you have anything you’d like to add to this conversation, go ahead. Otherwise you’re free to go.”

“Yeah, actually, if you could vote for me in the Alabama senate race that would be awesome.”

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

My therapist said some exercises would add me several years...

and he was right. I've made 15 push-ups right now and I feel like I'm 85 years old.

Why did the Irishman not add one more bean to his 239 bean soup?

Because it would have been too farty.

What’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

I asked Alexa, what’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

Dark soy sauce is used in Chinese cooking to add colour and flavour to dishes. Light is an electromagnetic radiation within a certain portion of the electro magnetic spectrum.

Thanks Alexa - you’re not technically w...