UPJOKE
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Half Jokes

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.
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Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
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Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...
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what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.
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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee
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According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
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Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.
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I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!
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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"

The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"

The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but...

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters
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Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.
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I met an Arab girl who told me she was half-Lebanese

I said I thought that was just called being bisexual

A man asked how much half a head of lettuce costs.

A guy is working at a grocery store when a man approaches him, asking how much half a head of lettuce costs. After some arguing, the worker goes to his manager and says, "Boss, some jackass wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

They turn around and see that the customer has followed them to ...
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I'm half Irish and half jewish...

I'm drinking if you're buying!
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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”
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How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.
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What do you call a half-wookie and half-sheep hybrid?

A Chew*baahaaahh*cca
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Wife: You only listen to half of what I say.

Husband: I have tinnitus. Half of what I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The other half is tinnitus



note: she begrudgingly laughed at this one and we are still together.
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After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...
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An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”
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Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.
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I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.
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If it takes 6 men 6 days to dig 6 holes, how long does it take one man to dig half a hole?

There is no such thing as a half a hole. It’s just a hole.
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What does a man do after consuming only half a pill of Viagra?

Nothing... just fucking around a bit.

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My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”
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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.
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I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...
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LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45
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A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.
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Unintentional joke from a 2 and a half year old:

Oh no, I'm falling in the sink!

I'm sinking!
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I'm half Spiderman, half Batman

Half without superpower, half without money
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I asked my wife the age old question. Is the cup half full, or half empty?

She replied;
"Stop wearing my fucking bra!!!!!"

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders
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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
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I have a friend who is half Indian.

He's called Ian.
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Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.
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What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent
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Did you hear about the guy who was cut in half?

At first, I thought he had left us for good, but he's all right now.
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I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes
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What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.
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What is half bitch plus half bitch?

Sum of a bitch

Blind Man: I love this half sandwich restaurant

Me: What do you mean? They only serve full sand...

Service Dog: (puts a paw on my lips)
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To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

Half empty or half full?

Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, the point is,, You need to buy a different size bra.
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[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...
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I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day
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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

What do you call a man who is half Welsh & half Hungarian?

Well hung
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I am half Chinese and half Italian.

So my parents called me Lin Guini
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I cut my phone bill in half!

It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.
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Streamer: I had two and a half people watching me live, and they were all family.

Friend: where’d the half come from?
Streamer: my half brother
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Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
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The Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," rep...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...
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what looks like half a birthday cake?

...the other half. this is my cringe cakeday joke.
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Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.
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Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
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Half Italian, half Irish?

Call that *Spaghetti alla* car-bomb-*ara*
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Glass half full

Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.

Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.

Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.
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I don’t do anything half a**ed

Except share a chair with someone
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I like to think I’m a good guy. I give half of all the money I make to Charity.

Except for the days she has off, then I give my money to Destiny.
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It takes a slug three and a half hours to make its way up the front steps of a house. When he finally gets there, he knocks on the door.

A man answers, curses at the slug, bends over, picks it up, and throws it as far as he can.


2 years later, the slug returns and again knocks on the door. The man opens the door, and the slug looks at him and says, "What the fuck was that all about?

my friend is a half cuban

her mom is cuban and her dad is also cuban. the car crash took away her legs.
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Where does a half-man, half- horse play tennis at Wimbledon?

Centaur Court
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I have two half brothers

and a chainsaw.
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My girlfriend is a half-Korean

Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
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The new dentist had a "half price, no pain" special, so I went in...

It hurt so much that I had to pay full price.
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George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
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Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?
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Why did the chicken only cross half the road?

It got two tired.
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What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?

A Melon Collie.




...I'll get my coat.
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What do you call a half bull dog half shitzu?

Bullshit

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church
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I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I had never tried it on in the first place.
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Just Half

A drunk in a bar orders a beer, drinks half, then pours the rest on his hand. A few minutes later, the guy orders another beer and the bartender gets a little suspicious. Again, the drunk consumes half and then pours the rest on his hand. A short while later, the man orders yet another beer. The bar...
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For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.
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I asked someone in the street: is that half moon a first quarter or a third quarter?

He replied: Sorry, I'm a tourist here, I don't know this sky.
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What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

Half my coworkers are imposters

They pretend to do the tasks and sabotage everything.
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My boss said I could finish work at half four today.

As I left the office he yanked me by the collar.

"What are you doing?" he frowned.

I said, "Stick to your word, it's two o'clock."
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There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...
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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.
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Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

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What I learned from reddit so far is that one half of them are horny, another half of them are depressed

And the third half of them are really weak in maths.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Half of me wishes I'd stuck in at Maths ......

Half of me doesn't and the other half thinks, what use is it anyway?
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What do you call a Toblerone if it is split into half?

A Toblertwo
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What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.
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You ripped a dollar bill in half????

Why? That doesn't make any cents!
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Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.
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I'm dating a beautiful half Asian girl.

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and she lost both her legs in a tragic car accident.
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What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad
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Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.
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A nobleman said some hurtful things to me while I was buying groceries at half price.

It was a diss count.
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What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.
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“I left your cheating ass because you’re not half the man he is” she said

“Funny, I cheated because she was about half the woman you are” he said

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

"Cut a Man in Half" Trick

I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."
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I told my wife, “Did you know our next door neighbor was in a hospital and had half of his intestines removed?”

Her: Is he in a coma?

Me: No, a semi colon.
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Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle...

...only half-full piss bottle

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.
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I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread
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I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.
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I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist
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i'm half indian and half saudi arabian

so i get my 9/11 at the 7/11
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