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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

A guy died when he was torn in half.

rip

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

I just spent half a day creating a belt made entirely out of watches

A total waist of time

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My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

Why did the half-blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

Did you guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tail.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

i'm half indian and half saudi arabian

so i get my 9/11 at the 7/11

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

Half of this joke went missing.

That's ok.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

Everything was half off at a retail store

It really cheapened the experience.

What do you call a horse that's always doing things half-assed?

A mule

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

If half the population really are introverts...

... why haven't I met any?

What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say?

I saw it with my own two eyes

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

When I was 6, my sister was half my age. Now I’m 70, how old is my sister?

3. My mother became anti-vaxx.

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

some Guy got his left half of his body torn off

don't worry, hes alRIGHT now

What’s 7 and a half inches long, white, and tastes funny?

An expired Zero bar.

Father Jokes

Joe: What does your father do for a living?

Jack: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Jack: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

What happens if you have 2 teeth and you chip one in half?

You’ll have three two-ths left

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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

What is half of 99?

92.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

Why do doctors always tell me to take half a dose?

Isn't that just an 'uno'?

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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I'm dating a half asian girl

Her mom is Japanese.

Her father is Japanese.

Her legs were ripped off in a car accident

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

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"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

I call my wife my "better half"

'Cause she better half dinner on the table when i get home.

-Peggy Hill - King of the Hill

Watching back through and caught this gem along the way.

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:



"I am beside myself right now!"

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.



“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will d...

What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life?

The vacuum of space.

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how many cockroach you find in your food disgusts you the most?

half

What do you call someone who is half Jewish?

Jew-ish

There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people,

And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

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