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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

A guy died when he was torn in half.

rip

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

He couldn't see that well.

What do you call a half Jew?

Jew-ish.

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

What do you get when you cross Big Bang Theory, 2 and a half men and How I met your mother?

How I banged your mother with 2 and a half men

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

I just started dating a half Asian girl

Her Mom's Korean, her Dad's Korean, and she lost her legs in a horrible car accident.

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What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Whenever I tell people that I'm half asian they look so surprised

They just can't tell by looking at my face

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.


Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

Chiron, being half horse and half human doctor

was a centaur of disease control.

Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

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An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

If you remove half of homeless

You will just have less.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

Did you guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tail.

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

Half of this joke went missing.

That's ok.

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

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A priest and his lost cock

One day a priest went out to his farm to check his hens, but to his surprise there was no rooster! During mass he asked, “Has anyone seen a cock?”

All the women stood up

He then said, “I mean, has anyone got a cock?”

All the men stood up.

He said, “No, no, I mean has anyo...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

i'm half indian and half saudi arabian

so i get my 9/11 at the 7/11

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so I’m half Jewish (oc)

Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar

A man buys a scratch-off lottery ticket.

10 minutes after he buys it, he looks at his numbers and sees that he won.

He is so happy, he goes to his wife, and tells her that he won the lottery, and asked her what she wants to do.

The wife said, 'I'm going to take my half, and leave you, to start a new life travelling the world!...

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

What do you call a horse that's always doing things half-assed?

A mule

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

What is half of 99?

92.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say?

I saw it with my own two eyes

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

If half the population really are introverts...

... why haven't I met any?

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

What’s 7 and a half inches long, white, and tastes funny?

An expired Zero bar.

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

some Guy got his left half of his body torn off

don't worry, hes alRIGHT now

Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

I'm Irish and Italian.

Half Gaelic, half garlic.

What happens if you have 2 teeth and you chip one in half?

You’ll have three two-ths left

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

Why do doctors always tell me to take half a dose?

Isn't that just an 'uno'?

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

Father Jokes

Joe: What does your father do for a living?

Jack: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Jack: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

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