UPJOKE
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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

I read an article about a half-goat, half-man.

But when I saw it was from The Onion I realized that it was satyrical.

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

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At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

A half-naked filthy guy enters a nail studio asking desperately to have his nails removed

The manicurist says that he can't do that. The guy leaves the nail studio saying that there will be no Third Coming.

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What is half bitch plus half bitch?

Sum of a bitch

A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks it is half full...

An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Half a head of cabbage

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking i...

Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

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“I left your cheating ass because you’re not half the man he is” she said

“Funny, I cheated because she was about half the woman you are” he said

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway.

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

What do you call a Toblerone if it is split into half?

A Toblertwo

I broke up with my gf when she tore the Indonesian flag in half and threw away the white part.

It was a red flag.

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

I once had a girlfriend who lost half her foot in a terrible car accident. I had to break up with her though

Because I'm lack toes intolerant.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

A big burly guy approaches a store clerk and asks to buy half a head of cabbage.

All they had at the time were full heads in cling-wrap. After a few back and forth, the clerk heads to the office exasperated and asks his manager. 'There's a 300-pound gorilla outside asking to buy half-a-head of cabbage'. From his manager's facial expression, he realized he's been followed. 'And t...

Half of me wishes I'd stuck in at Maths ......

Half of me doesn't and the other half thinks, what use is it anyway?

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

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Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

What do you call a man who is half Welsh & half Hungarian?

Well hung

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

My boss said I could finish work at half four today.

As I left the office he yanked me by the collar.

"What are you doing?" he frowned.

I said, "Stick to your word, it's two o'clock."

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My premature ejaculation problem started when my other half dressed up as a superhero

Before I knew it I came in a Flash

my friend is a half cuban

her mom is cuban and her dad is also cuban. the car crash took away her legs.

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a third of a beer... And so on.

The bartender says: "That is an infinite amount of beer. You guys need to know your limits!"

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

Today is my birthday but it’s a shame that I only get half a minute to celebrate…

Because it’s my 32nd birthday

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

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So a man was playing golf...

So this dude was out playing golf on a Sunday. About half way through the first 9 holes, he forgets what hole he is on so he asks a lady in front of him, "hey miss, sorry to bother you, but I've forgotten what hole I am on, and you are on the hole in front of me, would you mind telling me what hole ...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

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Two blondes at a construction site

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

\- "Why a...

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seasaw.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it’s fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer...

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A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall

They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews...

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

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Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

Half empty or half full?

Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, the point is,, You need to buy a different size bra.

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Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

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The Priest chicken's

A Priest kept chickens at his village.

One evening the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked,

\- "Who has a cock?"

All the men got up.

\- "No, I meant who has seen a cock?"

...All the women got up.

\- "No, No, Who h...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

I'm dating a beautiful half Asian girl.

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and she lost both her legs in a tragic car accident.

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I had never tried it on in the first place.

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to dea...

What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.

Sharing

I stopped at a fast food joint for a meal while on a trip. I noticed a couple old enough to be my parents. The man cut the burger in half carefully, and then handed half to his wife. Then he counted out the fries, dividing them equally. He then put two straws into the soda, and took a sip.
...

man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery.

“I’d take half and leave you.”

“Great,” he said, “I won $12, here’s $6. Stay in touch!”

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

Stan and Eddy go fishing

Near Corner Brook.....

They drop the 14' aluminum boat in a nice local lake, fire up the 9.9 and go looking for a good spot.

After several hour of no bites they finally find a shoal and start catching fish.

After a bit Stan says to Eddy" I need to go to the can, we need to go ...

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

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An Older woman got pulled over for speeding:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for ...

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

I have a friend who is half Indian.

He's called Ian.

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

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Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle...

...only half-full piss bottle

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.

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How do you get to own a company worth a Billion? It's actually quite easy. Just...

...spend 44 Billions to buy one, and then piss off your customers and fire half the staff. That should do it.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

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I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex;

fortunately they didn't see me for almost a half hour.

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

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What do flags and my penis have in common?

They both stand at half mast when somebody dies.

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

I have two half brothers

and a chainsaw.

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Finally managed to get my penis out of the exhaust pipe after half an hour.

I don't care what my girlfriend says, I'm never trying car sex ever again.

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

I'm half Irish and half jewish...

I'm drinking if you're buying!

The real husband

In King Solomon's court, two men and a woman stood before the king.

\- “This woman is my wife!" said the first man. “I married her 30 years ago!"

\- "No, she's my wife!” said the second man. “I married her 30 years ago, but this man just stole her from me!"

Solomon then turned t...

Guy is standing in front of the freezer, looking for something to make for dinner.

His wife calls over to him "Hey Honey, is there any ice cream left in there?"

He replies, "Yes, there's about half a pint of mint chocolate chip, do you want it?"

His wife says "How hard is it?"

The guy replies "As hard as I was last night."

Wife says "Ok, can you pour me...

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Drunk guy going back home

A guy was drinking heavily in a bar with his buddies to the point that he was almost passing out. He threw up on himself several times.

Few hours have passed and the effects of alcool start to dissipate a little bit. On his way back home he’s walking and start to think about his wife waiting...

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

Did you hear about the sith lord who went shopping?

He went to the Maul. Everything was half off.

Susy Q needs her dress cleaned

She goes to the laundry mat and Old Man Jon who runs it is half deaf, can't hear real well. When she walks in Old Man Jon says "Hey Susy Q what can I do for you?" She says "I need to get my dress cleaned."
Jon: "Come again?"
Susy Q: "No its icing."

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

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I’ve only been in prison for half an hour and have been fucked up the arse three times…

…my uncle doesn’t mess about playing monopoly

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

What happens when Quentin Tarantino remakes Cinderella?

a three and a half minute extended director's cut of the slipper scene

I told my son his birthday was only half a minute this year

He asked what the heck am I talking about. I said, well it's his thirty second birthday...

I like watching World Cup even though I don’t know anything about football

Sitting on the couch with a cold beer and watch those millionaires and billionaires running on the field, tiring themselves to half death just to entertain me, what a successful life!

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Three Hunters.

Three hunters, Bill, Eric, and Justin were going deer hunting, but they were having no luck. Bill says he needs to take a dump. He gets up and wanders away to find a log. While he was gone, Eric shot a deer. They skinned it. Bill didn't come back. They cleaned it. Bill **still** didn't come back. So...

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

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Bob had finally made it

to the last round of the "$64,000 Question" show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the be...

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A taxi driver goes home after a very long shift.

On his way home he sees a very drunk man that can’t even stay on his feet. “Can’t let that poor guy go home alona like this” he puts him in the passenger sit, asks him where he lives and starts driving to his house while the drunk guy sleeps. On their way there the taxi driver sees a women who’s hot...

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I was thinking about getting a mule

But I’ve heard they do a half ass job

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

“It was terrible,” moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.

“I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.”

“Well,” said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, “how in the world did you get here at all?”

“Well,” replied the student, “finally after twent...

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You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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when I worked in a 7-Eleven a woman asked me for chocolate ice cream

Me: sorry, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: Do you have a pint of chocolate ice cream?
Me: no, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: do you have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream?
Me: Can you spell the "van" in vanilla
Woman: V A N
Me: Can you spell the "straw" ...

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