Half my coworkers are imposters

They pretend to do the tasks and sabotage everything.

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

I can cut wood in half by looking at it intensely.

I saw it with my own eyes.

What do you call a Mexican who’s only 4 and a half feet tall?

A paragraph, because he’s too short to be an ese.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

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Half of the people who tried anal liked it

The other half says its a pain in the ass

it’s just taken me half an hour to get my girlfriends bra off

it’s the last time i’m trying it on

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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there...

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

They had us in the first half, not gonna lie

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

‟Wow!,” said her father, ‟That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”

‟Wrong number,” replied the girl.

Had a friend who was half horse, half human

He was always the centaur of attention.

When you're hiring for your business, take the stack of applications, and throw half of them out without reading them.

You don't want to be surrounded by unlucky people, do you?

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

If you are wondering how Trump got almost half the votes.

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”




Thank you George Carlin's for the punch line

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Check this one out (I half made this up)

A boy in middle school is having his first sex ed class and he's learning about safe sex. The teachers says he's going to demonstrate how to put on a condom using a banana. The boy learns a lot, so when he goes home he tells him mom what he learned. His mom responds:

"He put a banana peel on ...

A pessimist sees the glass half empty

An optimist sees the gall half full

An architect sees the glass two time too big

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I used to date a half-Asian. Her mom was Chinese and her dad was Japanese

A shark ate her bottom half.

Have you heard about the synthetic stone countertops that are half the price?

Don’t take them for granite.

What do you call a t-shirt with a half man, half monkey hybrid on it?

A chimp-man tee

What does it mean when the flag at the local Post Office is at half mast?

They're hiring.

Why did the pirate only see half of a movie?

Because he was wearing an eyepatch.

A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife

So he tells her that they're going to Iceland.

His wife, all excited, replies: "Wow Iceland! That's so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!"

"Then I'll come pick you up again."

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct.

Turns out it was a piece of cake.

What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times?

Sixpence

What do you call the game of Life after you've lost half of the pieces?

Sorry!

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I had a half ass Indian friend

He was a semihole

Half of us is going to come out of this quarantine an amazing cook

Which will be beneficial in the funerals of the other half!

You’re half a man Jerry. Just deal with it, I told him

He hopped away from the mirror

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

A mermaid is half cute

The other half is just some lady

Why wife woke me this morning and said I'm half the size of Chris Evans.

I think she's confused, because I'm definitely not 3 feet tall.

My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change!”

After seven years and half a million karma I will share the 5 unwritten rules of posting on this site:

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.

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A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."

What do you call a half-horse, half-politician creature?

A Senataur

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

What is every half Canadian-Russian conflicted about

Their love for Poutine

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

If you commit 90 sins, you would be caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

I went back in time to become the first person to say the glass was half full.

You can refer to me as "optimist prime."

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner is so great it will cut all your work by half!"

Woman: "That's fantastic! Give me two."

Why did the orange stop half way up the hill?

It ran out of juice...

What's the difference between a Halfing and a Hobbit?

Copyright

I finally fulfilled my dream to become a half-cyborg!

It did cost me an arm and a leg, though.

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him...

Why did the half-blind man fall into the well?

He couldn't see that well

A man goes to his doctor and says that he's half deaf..

After examining the man the doctor couldn't find anything wrong. He told the man he was going to try something unusual. He directed the man to go to the end of the hall, listen for the number the doctor yells and repeat it back to him.

The man makes his way out to the end of the hall and sho...

There is a half full glass of water on the table.

An optimisit sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist always sees the glass full, half with liquid and half with air.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half of a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh come on," says mathemati...

My friend had to get amputated in half yesterday.

Well, at least he’s all right now!

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

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Got woken up at half-past four this morning again, by this bird on my windowsill.

I've decided to name it Donald.


Never stops fucking tweeting.

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

‟Doc, I think I have a tapeworm”

The doctor looks at him and says

‟Well, we are all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you.Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat”...

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

In Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.

One could say he was the Centaur of disease control.

Source: 9GAG post

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

If you had told me back on NYE all the sh*t that’d happen in the first half of 2020...

I would’ve said, “Don’t July.”

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

Used to know a guy who worked at the GAP. Spent half his paychecks buying clothes there.

He really sold himself shorts.

My dad is a magician who cuts people in half

Practicing his act resulted in me now having 2 half brothers

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

What do you call a boy that’s half Scottish and half French?

A oui lad

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

What do you get when you cross the ocean with the Titanic?

Half way.

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Finding only half worm








[it's a joke my mom used to tell me when I was little]

I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.

It's my thirty second birthday after all.

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

I'm a glass-is-half-full kind of guy

unless that glass contains urine, in which case I find it difficult to remain optimistic.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

What's half of 8?

00 if you cut horizontally and 33 if you cut vertically

What's another name for half a second?

A first.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.



'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Daddy... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinn...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a ...

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

My girlfriend is a half-Korean

Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

What do you call a vegan surfer who can only surf half a wave?

Radish

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

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My wife got a bit frisky earlier and demanded we have sex in the shower....

At least half of the other swimmers weren’t happy about it.

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