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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

What do you call a half Jew?

Jew-ish.

A guy died when he was torn in half.

rip

How do you cut the ocean in half?

A SEA-SAW

I am half Chinese and half Italian.

So my parents called me Lin Guini

I lost half of my body

The doctor said although there isn't much left of me, I am going to be all right

What's it called when you take over one half of the capital of Hungary?

Pest control

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

Every time I get a stack of resumes for a job at the place I work at, I throw half of then away

I can't have unlucky people working in my business

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At a wedding last week, my wife said: ‘Isn’t the bride beautiful?‘ When I responded by saying, ‘Yeah, but her blowjobs aren’t half as good as yours‘, she got all pissed off.

Women — they can’t take a compliment!

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

Wouldn't it be cool if when Thanos snapped half of the audience dissapeared.

Too bad only DC movies can do that.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The busser sees the entire table.

Why hasn't valve made Half Life 3?

They're waiting for the apocalypse to come so it can be an AR game.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

Why did the half blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well!

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So my doctor just cut my butt in half. I guess he...

Half-ASSED it.

I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.

Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

It doesn't matter whether your cup's half-full or half-empty

You're still wearing the wrong bra

I just started dating a half Asian girl

Her Mom's Korean, her Dad's Korean, and she lost her legs in a horrible car accident.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

Hear about the half-assed hitman?

He assinated people.

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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A half dozen transexual magicians are touring the American South.

Six chicks with dicks play card tricks for a mix of hicks.

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What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

What do you get when you cross Big Bang Theory, 2 and a half men and How I met your mother?

How I banged your mother with 2 and a half men

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

How did the half Jew, half Muslim save money?

He supported ISIS, but wrote it off as a charitable donation.

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Sex with boss

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2...

I can cut wood in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

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An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

Half of this joke went missing.

That's ok.

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

If you remove half of homeless

You will just have less.

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.


Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

Did you guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tail.

When I was 6, my sister was half my age. Now I’m 70, how old is my sister?

3. My mother became anti-vaxx.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

OH NO NO NO NO

# Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

# On the appointed day, the inspector turne...

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

I'm going to hell

When I'm at hospitals I put half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands, to give their family hope....

To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousan...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear hal...

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

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I drew a picture of a single butt cheek...

Everyone said it looked half-assed

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in
the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a
ha...

What’s 7 and a half inches long, white, and tastes funny?

An expired Zero bar.

What is half of 99?

92.

If half the population really are introverts...

... why haven't I met any?

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so I’m half Jewish (oc)

Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

What do you call a horse that's always doing things half-assed?

A mule

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

i'm half indian and half saudi arabian

so i get my 9/11 at the 7/11

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

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"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

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