The 114+ Best Half Jokes

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.

There stood her date.

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.

Ravi O'Lee

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man do after consuming only half a pill of Viagra?

Nothing... just fucking around a bit.

Wife: You only listen to half of what I say.

Husband: I have tinnitus. Half of what I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The other half is tinnitus

note: she begrudgingly laughed at this one and we are still together.

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.

I'm half Irish and half jewish...

I'm drinking if you're buying!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

I like to think I’m a good guy. I give half of all the money I make to Charity.

Except for the days she has off, then I give my money to Destiny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

I have a friend who is half Indian.

He's called Ian.

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

Blind Man: I love this half sandwich restaurant

Me: What do you mean? They only serve full sand...

Service Dog: (puts a paw on my lips)

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

I asked someone in the street: is that half moon a first quarter or a third quarter?

He replied: Sorry, I'm a tourist here, I don't know this sky.

Why didn't King Solomon follow through with his decree to cut the baby in half?

Because he didn't like to split heirs.

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

I cut my phone bill in half!

It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.

I'm half Spiderman, half Batman

Half without superpower, half without money

I don’t do anything half a**ed

Except share a chair with someone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The toilet on the train was out of order, so I had to sit there and hold it for half an hour.

A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"

A nobleman said some hurtful things to me while I was buying groceries at half price.

It was a diss count.

When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.

Today you can't, because there are cameras.

what looks like half a birthday cake?

...the other half. this is my cringe cakeday joke.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I had never tried it on in the first place.

When I was 6, my sister was half my age. Now I’m 70, how old is my sister?

3. My mother became anti-vaxx.

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My premature ejaculation problem started when my other half dressed up as a superhero

Before I knew it I came in a Flash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I left your cheating ass because you’re not half the man he is” she said

“Funny, I cheated because she was about half the woman you are” he said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is impossible to stick in nearly half the time but too damn easy to pull out?

Those damn USB keys.

Why did the chicken only cross half the road?

It got two tired.

What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

I’ve trained to be a limo driver for half my life, but yesterday I lost my license

All that time wasted, with nothing to chauffeur it

My boss said I could finish work at half four today.

As I left the office he yanked me by the collar.

"What are you doing?" he frowned.

I said, "Stick to your word, it's two o'clock."

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

my friend is a half cuban

her mom is cuban and her dad is also cuban. the car crash took away her legs.

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is half bitch plus half bitch?

Sum of a bitch

A half-naked filthy guy enters a nail studio asking desperately to have his nails removed

The manicurist says that he can't do that. The guy leaves the nail studio saying that there will be no Third Coming.

What do you call a Toblerone if it is split into half?

A Toblertwo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the ...

I once had a girlfriend who lost half her foot in a terrible car accident. I had to break up with her though

Because I'm lack toes intolerant.

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

My girlfriend is a half-Korean

Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

A big burly guy approaches a store clerk and asks to buy half a head of cabbage.

All they had at the time were full heads in cling-wrap. After a few back and forth, the clerk heads to the office exasperated and asks his manager. 'There's a 300-pound gorilla outside asking to buy half-a-head of cabbage'. From his manager's facial expression, he realized he's been followed. 'And t...

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.

Half of me wishes I'd stuck in at Maths ......

Half of me doesn't and the other half thinks, what use is it anyway?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

What do you call a man who is half Welsh & half Hungarian?

Well hung

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

Half empty or half full?

Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, the point is,, You need to buy a different size bra.

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally managed to get my penis out of the exhaust pipe after half an hour.

I don't care what my girlfriend says, I'm never trying car sex ever again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.

It's my thirty second birthday after all.

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

I'm dating a beautiful half Asian girl.

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and she lost both her legs in a tragic car accident.

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

“It was terrible,” moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.

“I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.”

“Well,” said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, “how in the world did you get here at all?”

“Well,” replied the student, “finally after twent...

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

A boss gives an office worker a job to cut a stack of paper in half and leaves...

Half an hour passes and he returns. He wasn't pleased at what he saw.

"I gave you an order to cut the paper in half!"

"That's what I did but you didn't tell me which way," said the office worker, handing his boss sheets of paper twice as numerous but half as thick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle...

...only half-full piss bottle

I told my son his birthday was only half a minute this year

He asked what the heck am I talking about. I said, well it's his thirty second birthday...

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.