Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

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My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

some Guy got his left half of his body torn off

don't worry, hes alRIGHT now

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

What’s 7 and a half inches long, white, and tastes funny?

An expired Zero bar.

Why do doctors always tell me to take half a dose?

Isn't that just an 'uno'?

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

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I once had a girl break up with me because I wasn't into the whole pissing fetish. No half measures when it comes to that fetish.

Either urine or you're out.

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

What kind of fish farts half a note deeper than any other?

The bass. Because it got a b right before the ass

What is half of 99?

92.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

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I'm dating a half black girl

Her dad is is black.
Her mom is black.
She lost her legs in an accident.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

... the first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours them 2 beers and says "you guys should know your limit".

I call my wife my "better half"

'Cause she better half dinner on the table when i get home.

-Peggy Hill - King of the Hill

Watching back through and caught this gem along the way.

Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.

​

“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me...

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:

​

"I am beside myself right now!"

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

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"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

A man is half listening to his wife.

She mentions putting a potted plant in the doorway. He goes to bed a few minutes later. He wakes up and feels like he’s forgetting something. He steps out of his room, still confused.


And then it hit him.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

What do you call someone who is half Jewish?

Jew-ish

I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.

It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.

There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people,

And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life?

The vacuum of space.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all...

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

St. Patrick's Day

So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused. "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

My friend is half Jewish

He's got a two skin

I told my wife, “Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

Bill Clinton ran a mile in nine and a half minutes. What happened next?

Bush did 9:11.

Did you hear about the cannibal who could only ever finish half a person?

He was leg/toes intolerant!

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A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead

but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.

"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"

"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"

"Yeah"

"What does Father give for masturbation?"
...

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

God does an experiment with US Marines...

One lofty Sunday God looks down and sees a boat of six Marines paddling in the ocean, chanting; ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...United States Marine Corps.

Impressed by their focus and intensity he ponders; "What would happen if I removed half their brain powers" and does so. "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...Unit...

What do you call Optimus Prime’s half erection?

A semi.

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

What has 4 legs and a c*** half way up its back?

A police horse

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An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

The pharmacist winks at him, “OK, but do you realize they won’t be as effective?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...

I'm falling two pieces.

I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop

It was a dis-count Dracula

Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

What is Thanos' favorite dairy product?

Half and Half

I have a friend who is half Welsh and half Vietnamese

I call that a Wyn Nguyen

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

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A man goes into the pharmacy and wants two and a half viagra.

Pharmacist: why two and a half?
Man: well on Friday I see my wife and on Saturday I see my affair.
On Sunday I go to the Sauna, so he just needs to look good.

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

If you're going to cut the ocean in half, how would you do it?

Get a sea saw.

An expert on paranormal activity is doing a lecture tour.

He arrives at his most recent lecture location and goes inside to a packed auditorium.

He clears his throat and says "excellent, let us begin. How many people here believe in ghosts? "

Every hand in the rooms goes up.

" That's what I value, a truly open mind" he says. " Now, ...

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

Me: Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..