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Side Effect Jokes

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

My wife is concerned about my vaccine side effects

Day 1:

“How’s your arm doing?”

“It’s just a bit tender near the injection site.”

Day 2:

“Google said it is supposed to last 4 hours.”

“I think you got the wrong Pfizer info sheet.”

Today I discovered a shocking side effect of vaccines.

Adults

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

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Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste...

Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there

When commercials are selling anti-depressants and say that a side effect could be death,

Are depressed people like "it's a win if I die and a win if I dont?"

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

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Most medicines have side effects...

...except Viagra has front effects.
Good bye.

Before starting a family, most couples aren’t aware of the side effects.

When the baby arrives, they become apparent.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.

Ask your doctor if you should take school today.

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

A man visited his doctor, concerned about experiencing eye pain every time he indulged in a cup of coffee

"Doctor, every time I have my morning coffee, my right eye hurts. Is that supposed to happen?"

The doctor responded, "Well, it's certainly not a common side effect. But don't worry, you can still enjoy your coffee. Just remember to remove the spoon before taking a sip.”

There's a new drug that is guarenteed to get you molested.

The only side effect is you feel Spacey.

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Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith

Two men of a certain age, Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith, would often meet at the local town park where they would sit on a bench and feed the pigeons.

They became friends.

One day when they met, Mr. Jones was very happy and excited and asked Mr. Smith

\- “Have you ever tried Viagra...

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

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An old man goes to the doctors office. The doctor asks "what's the problem?"



The old man says, "I had an erection."

The doctor looks at the patient's chart and says, "I see you've been prescribed Viagra for your blood pressure. That's a common side effect. How long has it lasted?"

The old man replies, "only 10 minutes."

The doctor says, "...

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A sexologist is asked by a reporter...

Reporter: What is the most peculiar side effect of masturbating regularly?

Sexologist: It causes short term memory loss.

Reporter: Have u done any research on it?

Sexologist: On what?

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a ...

My best mate was born by Cesarean...

The only side effect is when he gets out the car he uses the sunroof.

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

A woman with a rare heart condition walks into the doctor’s office

The doctor concludes that her heart is very weak and prescribes her a male pill that boost testosterone.

“This should strengthen your heart,” the doctor says. “Come by in a month or two to see me for a checkup.”

A month passes and the woman returns to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” sh...

A woman went to her doctor

for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places...

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

Homeopathic tablets

Side effects: none

Main effects: none

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

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To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

It has been proven that anti vaxers have a lower chance of autism

Unfortunately the main side effect is death

Laughter is not the best medicine

It has splitting side effects.

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today

I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects. This thing is completely safe.

In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!

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A man went to the doctor...

A man went to the doctor on Saturday, to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor said, "I can't give you a double dose, it's too dangerous!" "But I really need it!", the man replied. The doctor asked him what he needed a double dose for, to which the man replied, "Well, my girlfriend is coming into ...

A lady goes to the doctor..

And the doctor prescribes testosterone. The lady was like, "Testosterone? That's a male hormone. Won't there be side effects?"

The doctor assures her that for her condition it's the right drug and the side effects will be minimal.

So she says okay, goes home and starts taking it. A fe...

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

Harley

The quickest way to turn gasoline into noise without the side effect of horsepower

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My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

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A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

This NEW diet plan will make you almost NEVER hungry

Depression

Side effects: Depression

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

My girlfriends health

A number of years ago my girlfriend was having these terrible headaches.

She goes to the doctors, and they tell her it's a sinus issue. Another month goes by and she sees her Dr. again, and they do more blood work on her, and it's discovered to be temporal arteritis. Which is basically enlar...

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A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it.

The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take.

"Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects," the doctor replied. "But, I can write you a prescription that should fix t...

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

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A woman walks into a doctors office

After getting through the door she stomps her way to the reception desk. Not waiting for even a greeting she blows up " I WANNA TALK TO DOCTOR JOHNSON AND I WANNA TALK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW!" With eyes the size of dinner plates the receptionist rushes to retrieve the doctor. Moments later ...

Doctor: if this experimental procedure goes successfully, you will be able to see again , but

“There is a side effect that you will not get an erection anymore.”

The blind man was devastated and then realized that getting his sight back is more important

He then asked “ is there anything you can do to get my erections back ?”

Doctor “ it’s not in my hands but yours , d...

An old lady goes to the doctor

An old lady goes to the doctor because she's been having heart trouble. He prescribes her some testosterone to help with her condition.

A week later she goes back to the doctor.
"Doctor, that medicine you gave me had a bad side effect. I've grown hair in an odd place"
"Please tell me wh...

an overweight man visits the doctor

the receptionist shows him in

the doctor says "fortunately for you, we just got a new experimental pill in. instant weight loss. take it tonight, get a good night's sleep, and when you wake up you'll have shed all of your excess weight."

the man rushes home, takes the pill, and goes ...

A man is cutting sides of

A man is cutting sides of a capsule before taking it.

His neighbour saw this and asked him,

” why are you cutting the sides of the capsule?

He replied ” To avoid the side effects” :P :D lolx hahhahahah

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

I went to my doctor today and said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

The doctor peered over his glasses and asked, "Why do you think that, Mr. Hatter?"

"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."

"I wouldn't worry about that." he replied. "Those are just side effects."

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My favorite medical joke

A lady in her 50s goes to see a plastic surgeon.
"Doctor, I'd like to do something about these wrinkles on my face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you often."
He says, "Sure, well we have this new device called 'The Knob.' Basically we just i...

Two airplane mechanics

Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothin...

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A baby boy is born without eyelids

A baby boy is born without eyelids. The parents are distraught, asking the doctor what can be done. "There's a procedure, experimental, but successful in all cases," the doctor explains. "The procedure involves using the foreskin removed during circumcision, and using it as the eyelids." "Why, t...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

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leprechaun story

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.

“What are you making?” asks the golfer. “It smells wonderful.”

“This is a magic brew,” says the leprechaun. “If you drink it, you golf game wil...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

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We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.

He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.

Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he ask...

If Microsoft Made Medication...

10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses.
9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a "system crash."
8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its med...

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This man has a horrible pain on his neck

... so he goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him: "Well, I'm afraid the problem are your testicles, they dropped down, but for some reason they have crawled back inside your abdomen, and a side effect of this is that your spine contracts and you get the pain on your neck." The man then asks wha...

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

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